Ivor’s Sausage
Ivor had a sausage
It was past its sell-by date
Ivor had a sausage
Sizzling on his plate

Ivor had a sausage
It was made of bits of bull
Ivor had a sausage
Gristly, inedible

Ivor had a sausage
He bought it from a shop
Ivor had a sausage
Will he ever stop?

Ivor had a sausage
It was British through and through
Ivor had a sausage
But then so am I - aren’t YOU?

Ivor had a sausage
It looked like a horse’s cock
Ivor had a sausage
Old ladies it would shock

Ivor had a sausage
I bet you want one too
Ivor had a sausage
Clog your arteries like glue

Ivor had a sausage
It was swimming in grease
Ivor had a sausage
How it longed for release

Ivor had a sausage
He drowned it in brown sauce
Ivor had a sausage
It’s the only way of course

Ivor had a sausage
It was greasy, vile and brown
Ivor had a sausage
AND HE GOBBLED IT DOWN
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Mon 1 Jul 2013, 19:33, 2 replies)

[random spoilers deleted]
Sorry it's a few weeks late.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 1 Jul 2013, 19:30, 6 replies)

I had some German Sausage once.
But the inevitable punchline is the Wurst you've ever heard.
( The Incredible Sulk Finally remembered his password on, Mon 1 Jul 2013, 17:51, 2 replies)

"Are you saying that you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?"
"No."
"Ham?"
"No!"
"Pork chops?"
"Dad, those all come from the same animal!"
"Yeah, right Lisa, some wonderful, magical animal!"
(McChinaman banned, Mon 1 Jul 2013, 17:28, 2 replies)

After 10 days on a drip recovering from Pneumonia
when I was nine, my appetite was pretty much shot. I simply didn't feel hungry. I was so exhausted from being ill, food had no appeal whatsoever.

A nice nurse and my mum pleaded with me to eat *something*, *anything* and rattled off a list of exciting food they could make. At some point the words "Jam Sandwich" were mentioned. Fireworks went off in my sick-addled brain as vague food memories stirred. Yes! I remember those. They were nice. The nice nurse excitedly rushed off to make me one. She'd clearly broken through with this patient and was doing her job well.

Back came the sandwich. It was fucking rank.
( chthonic, Mon 1 Jul 2013, 17:14, 6 replies)

Bacon and Egg cupcakes
Fry off streaky bacon. Line sides of baking tray with bacon and disc of toast at bottom of each one. Break egg into each one. Bake in oven for 10 mins at 180. Uh May Zing
( Really?, Mon 1 Jul 2013, 16:31, 8 replies)

You'll only remember these if you are over 40.
The great big home made, hand cut chips, served in a brown paper bag, you used to get from the chinese takeaway, that they all stoped selling in the mid 80's because they all switched the frozen :-(

Failing that and going back to childhood memories, I remember in the mid 70's being presented with a thing called a "brunchie" (Made by birdseye or findus, it was sausage meat, egg and onion formed into a patie and coated in bread crumbs) as a child it was heaven,I make my own these days, pork mince, srambled egg, onion, sage a bit of ketchup and mustard and some salt and black and white peppper, form into patties coat in bread crumbs and fry.

Again from the 70's, Heinz omlete mates, my favorite was the spanish, back then it was the most explosivly exotic thing my 10 year old tounge had ever been presented with.
( The invisable man Is having a long lazy soak in search, Mon 1 Jul 2013, 16:14, 13 replies)

It was back in 2009
It was in 2009.

Two friends (former now as we fell out in Belgium) decided to travel across the world. I had to go back for a motorbike repair and we split up and only saw each other in Istanbul.

After some troubles (read muggings and beatings) in Azerbaijan, I turned back and went north. It took me a month to arrive in Mongolia.

My morale had dropped through the floor after riding the road from hell, knee deep mud dropping my motorbike every 20 metres for nearly 200 miles. Suffered lot of small niggling injuries and was wet all the time with the runs and puking and a trillion mosquitoes for company.

I arrived in Ulan Baator and it was raining like crazy with the streets flooding...

Threw everything into the tent and found a local guy and hobbled to his tent. I didn't speak Mongolian but offered him 50,000 (about £15 at the time) just to stay in his warm Ger... £15 was 3 months salary. He bogged off on his horse..... I fell asleep and was woken an hour or so later.

Outside were a large number of blokes and a goat tied to a pole outside. I watched them dispatch the goat, cutting a hole in its chest and squeezing its heart. They stared to blow torch the hair off its body and roast it..... lots of alcoholic horse milk and goat and it tasted just divine after weeks of Russian eggs and bread....



I had a similar experience when I arrived in S Korea, having ridden from Ulan Ude to Vladivostok where I literally starved for days I had run out of Russian money and a bank which starts with B had blocked my card all money was devoted to petrol. Got on the ferry after not eating for 5 days landed a day later in Sokcho and finally got some money out....

All I had was a simple ramen dish with egg and veggies. But the taste after being starved for a week was heavenly....
(Justpin, Mon 1 Jul 2013, 14:54, 5 replies)

the best thing i've ever eaten
was 2 spoonfuls of cow & gate baby food. sounds weird, i know, but after 2 weeks on a liver reduction diet(torture of the worst kind), 5 days in hospital, 3 hours in surgery and 3 days of nothing but spoonfuls of water, tea and coffee, being able to put anything even resembling real food into my mouth was sheer bliss.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Mon 1 Jul 2013, 14:46, 8 replies)

Meat is murder.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Mon 1 Jul 2013, 14:35, 10 replies)

I'm obssessed with Louisiana style blackened at the moment.
It makes meat and fish taste better than I ever could have imagined.

I had a blackened tuna steak in New Orleans three weeks ago that was definitely the best thing I've ever eaten, and now order everything blackened.

I'll be giving it a go at home for the first time this week.

Get your hands on some blackened seasoning.

Melt a little butter and coat your meat/fish in it, then liberally coat in blackened seasoning.

Heat some oil in a cast iron skillet until it just begins to smoke.

Then fry your fish/meat.

Apparently, the secret is to turn it just once.

The finished product should have a black, slightly crispy crust a be nice and juicy inside.

Serve with rice and salad or summer vegetables.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Mon 1 Jul 2013, 13:51, 34 replies)

Battered Gelder's mince pie sarnie.
Just to clarify, the pie is battered then placed between the bread, you don't batter the whole sandwich (Although that could be good too).
(Thor McLegend FUCK SHITPANTS PAC MAN, Mon 1 Jul 2013, 13:29, 7 replies)

Knock knock
Who's there?

Hello?

Who's there? Hellooo?

Knock knock

Oooooooooooeeeeeeooooooooo *creepy music an ting an ting*
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 1 Jul 2013, 13:21, Reply)

This was the first cake I ever baked... and the best
It was for my son's 3rd birthday and was chocolate and banana sponge inside :)


( ashurek, Mon 1 Jul 2013, 13:06, 5 replies)

Are you hungry for some 200 year old Salisbury Steak?

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Mon 1 Jul 2013, 12:56, 2 replies)

i too dislike people on the internet

( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Mon 1 Jul 2013, 12:53, 1 reply)

In America, I asked for "just a cheese sandwich", expecting some sort of bready, cheesey, accomanied-by-salady-garnish deliciousness.
I was served a massive, deep-fried toastie which came accompanied by a huge bowl of chips/fries, and an equally huge bowl of onion rings.

And a small lettuce leaf.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 1 Jul 2013, 12:49, 2 replies)

Knock knock!
Who's there?
A cheese and ham sandwich.
Oh lovely. Thanks.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 1 Jul 2013, 12:37, Reply)

Ham.
Kill a pig and make some ham.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 1 Jul 2013, 12:36, Reply)

Cheese.
Get some milk and make some cheese.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 1 Jul 2013, 12:35, Reply)

Bread.
Get some flour and water and make some bread.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 1 Jul 2013, 12:35, Reply)

All of the brilliant suggestions I made, and you pick one about food?
Hells bells
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Mon 1 Jul 2013, 12:19, 6 replies)

Shedded Wheat.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Mon 1 Jul 2013, 12:13, 2 replies)

Knock knock.
Who's shed?
Shed.
Shed shed?
SHED! SHED! SHED! SHED! SHED! SHED! SHED! SHED! SHED! SHED!
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Mon 1 Jul 2013, 12:06, 1 reply)

Happy Meal boxes make excellent lures for children.
Y'know, if that's your thing.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Mon 1 Jul 2013, 11:42, 2 replies)

Cheesburger with fries and a coke
1. Go to McDonald's
2. Order a quarter pounder with cheese meal, with coke as the drink.
3. 'Go large', fatty.
4. Eat, taking comfort in the fatty, salty, sugary deliciousness.
5. Bemoan your lack of willpower.
6. Order another.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 1 Jul 2013, 11:32, 2 replies)

KNOCK KNOCK
who's there?
NOTHING
who's there?
NOTHING
who's there?
Moustache
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Mon 1 Jul 2013, 11:11, Reply)

Much like stuj, SigourneysBeaver, Monty & Vag
I have nothing original to say.
As a tale weaver
This is my play.

Their rhymes were copied
and mine aren't
& this is all the rhyming I can be bothered with.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Mon 1 Jul 2013, 10:36, 25 replies)

Another cake wot I made
Me and the mrs do cakes:



We call this one FishCake. Arf.

I'll post more in the replies... Let me know if you'd like to see even more!
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Mon 1 Jul 2013, 10:19, 11 replies)

Subjugate the mincemeat of my disordered mind
Circumvent the apathy that I cannot control
Writhing in the sauce of my affliction
Destitution tears within hatred is my goal
Godless contempt for worthless society
Cramming in the putrid effluvium of media consumption
Swallowing whole the lies of governmental authority
You are nothing more than beasts designed for slaughter
My excrescence on your rules is your destiny
You will eat the rotten flesh of selfishness with glee
Hypnotised you are but unquestioning
You are nothing but mindless, clawing maws
Hungry for satisfaction of your worthless dreams

Hate
Kill
Stab

Destroy your plate you are nothing.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 1 Jul 2013, 10:06, Reply)