Tesco
In their world-food section, Tesco were selling Cock-flavoured soup. I shat myself.
(Chickenwire social lubricator extraordinaire, Sat 20 Sep 2008, 7:25, 3 replies)

School Childrens Flights
I used to work, as a Corporal in the Army, back in the 90's in an RAF base in Germany. Every school children’s holiday in England, would see a couple of flights full of Army brats, who had been carted off to boarding school in the UK, come for a holiday with their parents in Germany.

Imagine the intelligence level required to get into some of these infantry regiments, then imagine the type of women attracts to such foreheads, then imagine the offspring the produce.

Anyhow, the inbound flights were a piece of cake. Flight lands, kiddies run up to mummy and daddy and disappear, or they get on their respective coaches to far distant garrisons and are out of there, Simple.

The return flights are another matter however. Parents sick of the sight of the kids dump them at the airport hours before the plane and leave them with you as the baby sitter. And some of these kids are spoilt rotten. It was a real problem not to want to whack some of the little retards.

Anyhow, onto the food subject. There used to be a big bucket of boiled sweets, that we used to hand out to the littler kiddies, the 5 and 6 year olds, to calm them down, occupy them, and pump them up with sugar an hour before the flight, Let the RAF sort them out on the aircraft.

One of the Sergeants on the Det used to like to pilfer the bucket, having a sweet tooth. So we thought we'd use that to our advantage and have a laugh on him. Nipping into the NAAFI we bought 10 packets of Chocolate laxatives, about 6 bars per packets all silver foil wrapped, and pilled these little chocolate bars on top of the sweetie pile. Low and behold the Sergeant snaffles a few of these bars and after half an hour disappears. Grins all around. Then we realise we have couple of dozen of these little bars left, so we hand them out to all the kids. All of them are gone with just 15 minutes before boarding time left.

We didn’t see the result, but imagine. An aircraft with 200 screaming school kids on-board, between 5 and 16 years old, with only 2 toilets for an hour long flight.

Our compatriots on the other end at Stanstead rang us up and told us of the reaction when the flight landed. On opening the aircraft door a solid wall of shit laden air caused a few airport workers to up chuck right there and then. Kids emerging with violent diarrhoea running out their jeans and shorts., and other kids covered in puke from the smell.

I think they put it down to food poisoning from sandwiches sold in the NAFFI. We never did tell anyone the real reason. :-)
( ratman, Sat 20 Sep 2008, 6:43, 11 replies)

Caffeine fun
I shared a secretary with my boss. He wasn't too bad, but tended to have mood swings. After she left we kept in touch and she eventually admitted she was partly to blame for them.

This was before there was a Starbucks on every corner and she used to get coffee from the crappy drinks machine for him - he'd drink a lot over the day. She'd amuse herself by giving him an increasing proportion of decaffeinated cups over a few days, until his tolerance levels had dropped.

Then she'd wait until the day he had a big meeting, and give him superstrength coffee all morning. He'd be bouncing off the walls like he'd been slipped some speed.

Then the process would begin again. She did it to him for nearly four years...
(Bowens, Sat 20 Sep 2008, 5:54, 2 replies)

I need a weeeeee!!!
We used to be fairly bad at work for playing practicle jokes on each other. This got so bad in the end that when it was tea time, everybody would stand around protecting their cups like a bunch of wild animals protecting their latest kill.

Reason for this was that somebody had brought in some Viagra and that soon found its way into peoples lunch etc. But the best was yet to come...

My dear old mate Bill, has an older sister- bless her! She has a few health problems and was taking water tablets. These make you pee within about 10 minutes of taking them and dissolve nicely in tea. The first incident occurred driving back to the depot when at about 40 miles an hour my crewman opened the door and jumped out! Odd I thought? Stranger was that he got back to our depot faster than me by cutting cross town and crossing several busy roads including a Motorway!

It turned out he needed a pee- badly just as I pulled up in the van I saw his red face shout "Oh no not again" and he ran back inside. This happened to lots of us over the next month or so and in the end we had to make a pact and sign it so say that we would stop touching other peoples food or drink because it was getting well out of hand. Most of us had brought in changes of clothes by this point.
(piercee100, Sat 20 Sep 2008, 5:49, Reply)

I once convinced a girl that my penis was actually a cock-flavoured lollipop
To be fair, she was only six years old at the time...
(Kaol's Stalker talks the talk and stalks the stalk, Sat 20 Sep 2008, 4:47, 2 replies)

More wine please......
('Tis a tenuous link but it does involve food and my apparent sabotage of my daughter's idea of the perfect meal. Besides, it was just too good of a story not to share with the world.)

I've just arrived home from taking my daughters out to our favorite Itallian restaurant. As usual, the service was fantastic and the food sublime. But that isn't the funny part of the story.

As we sat down, a discussion began concerning what new dishes we'd like to try or if we should go with old favorites. This is when my youngest opened her menu, pointed to a bottle of wine and announced, "Look, they have wine. I want some wine for dinner."

Now, we don't really have anyone in our family who is a wine drinker so I'm still not sure where she even learned about wine much less what the bottles look like.

After I stopped laughing, I told my dear daughter, "Sweetie, I know you are 6 years old now, but that is still a bit too young for drinking wine with your dinner."

She then became a bit adamant, "Oh, I don't want anything to eat. I just want the wine."

I had to again tell her no.

Then she came out with, "Well can I just try it to see what it tastes like?" I told her that once she turns 21 she can have all the wine she wants. She wailed, "But I'll be almost an adult by then!"

My response was not in favor of her desires.

Then the waiter arrived for the drinks order. Mandy sat up straight, looked up at him with the most serious and grown-up expression she could manage, used the loudest vioce she could muster, and said, "I'd like a bottle of wine please."

People at tables as far away as across the room burst out in laughter.


I don't even drink FFS!
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Sat 20 Sep 2008, 3:10, 2 replies)

you call that sabotage?
During World War Two my grandfather was part of a commando team that infiltrated a German-occupied Greek island, and injected poison into food supplies taken from the Greeks and earmarked for German officers. One of his unit turned out to be a traitor. But they still managed to complete their objective of...the Buns of Navarone.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 20 Sep 2008, 3:05, 3 replies)

Eye eye
Years ago (back in the days before 'puters when entertainment…. blah blah) I was at school in a dreary northern backwater.

The food was, typically, dreadful vacillating between fried and tasteless and boiled and tasteless.

Oh yes and the star of the story, Semolina served in vast glass bowls.

The general rule was that you ate everything you were given. There was no discussion (nor were there any special diets, any meeting of religious requirements, humouring of vegetarians or anything else that could have been considered a display of individuality).

On this fateful lunchtime we had just finished double physics during which we had had the delights of dissecting a bulls eye (not the northern minty hardboiled confectionary but the things that boy cows use to see girl cows) and we descended upon the canteen for hearty victuals.

The menu was something like “Fried crap followed by a vat of semolina. And jam.”

At this point, one of the ne'er do wells on my table dropped a rather ill looking bulls eye into the glistening and pristine surface of the semolina from where it viewed the ceiling of our cafeteria with a rather bored cyclopean stare.

After much guffawing and other public school type merriment, a volunteer was press ganged into taking the bowl back to the rather fearsome looking Queen of Dinner Ladies.

"Please Miss" sayeth Oliver 2, "there's something in the semolina".

Expecting fainting and/or hysterics the onlookers were somewhat disappointed when the hairy paw of the Queen reached into the bowl, retrieved the eye and sent Oliver 2 back to the table to "Eat every last drop".

We did.

Curses.
(Mediaslut, Sat 20 Sep 2008, 2:48, 7 replies)

My friends are more adventurous than me
Out with friends tonight I brought up this subject of food sabotage.
One doesnt own a computer, the other two have never heard of B3ta.
so its up to me to pass on their stories.
Girlfriend A told me about one Xmas a few years ago she decided to do boxes of handmade liquour chocolates for all her workmates.
Spent a fortune on moulds, high quality chocolate and hours making different alcohol infused sugar syrup.
Each box would hold 10 delicious confections.
Over the 4 days she spent making them she would always find a few missing from each batch when she came to box them.
As she shared a flat with only one other girl, the finger of suspicion didnt have to point very far.
So one night she made a batch and left them to cool as usual.
However, one lot was filled with neat tabasco sauce, one with an anchovie, another with the scrapings from the grill pan, another with washing up liquid and the last with a liquidised piece of banana peel.
She said she didnt sleep much that night due to the constant bathroom use of her flatmate :)
Nothing was ever said LOL

Girlfriend 2 told me of problems she had with an ex boss.
She worked in a pub one summer and he was a right sleazoid who always kept telling her that he would *taste* her one day.
On her last day before going back to college the sleazoid told her he was sad he never got to fulfil his promise.
As she picked up her pay packet she sweetly informed him that he had.
For the last month, every time he asked her to make him a cuppa, she had put a finger into her pants rummaged around and then rubbed it across the rim of his favourite mug.
Cant repeat the words that were then exchanged ;)

And finally
Guy who currently works in a local gastro pub.
Told me, and to pass it on.
Never never ever select a dish from the specials board.
Its usually dishes made up from the previous weeks leftovers that they desperately need to get rid of if they are to make any profit.

Duly noted, no more specials for me, even if free
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Sat 20 Sep 2008, 1:41, 1 reply)

i am a chef,
we have to work 14 hours a day, in appauling conditions so the only way to cheer yourself up is to take the piss out of the other chefs, always getting one over on each other.
One of my favourite tricks is to rub a chilli around the rim of somebody's drink, gets instant satisfying results!My favourite has to be the time i switched the sous chefs glass of coke with a glass of re-used duck fat(very similar in colour), during an extremely busy dinner service, needless to say he did not see the funny side after spewing all over the kitchen floor.
I dont know if this counts but the amount of times ive put an egg in a chefs hood on a rainy day before they finish work is countless, i never get to see it happen but imagining it is great and they are not very pleased the next morning.
(trapdoorberk, Sat 20 Sep 2008, 1:27, Reply)

Ok,
a short one this time.

A work colleague hated another.

Hated person asked the other for a cup of tea.

Said person whipped out her tampon, then stirred the tea with it.

Yes, it expanded loads. No, I was not there, I was told by another colleague.

Hated person drank tea.

We all rofled.

The End.
( @RBFesquire Good luck b3ta, was nice knowing you. So long., Sat 20 Sep 2008, 0:38, Reply)

Readers Digest presents
the condensed QOTW.


Someone upset me once.

They forgot how incredibly spiteful and passive-aggressive I was!

Also I probably made it up.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 19 Sep 2008, 23:56, 3 replies)

gobbing in tea?
nah! a friend of mine went one better.

when i was in my third year of high school i had a very lazy, very vain art teacher who thought she looked like barbie (imagine barbie's 50 year old great grandma more like). she used to get us students to do everything for her, like ring up other students parents to inform them that the teacher would like to see them (she was such a lazy bitch)

well one day she's piling on the make up and singing along to boyzone (she'd often put the cd on and whine along loudly... picture the stereotypical x factor reject) she asks me to put the kettle on and my friend to make her some toast.

you can probably see whats coming. my friend gobbed on her toast and covered it with butter (imagine how much butter she had to use to cover it haha)

we then sat watching her eat her overly buttered toast while laughing to ourselves.

although i'm pretty sure she didn't notice. she was probably used to the taste as everyone would gob in her tea on a daily basis... i'm sure the members of staff had a go too.

.
(i eat crayons, Fri 19 Sep 2008, 23:54, Reply)

Does it count if you sabotage your own food?
I'm a really bad cook with a habit of wondering things like "What happens if you put reheated baked beans into scrambled eggs?"
(Result: Pink shit on toast and farting like a Bison for the next two days)
Then there's the time I tried tenderising a steak by putting it into a carrier bag and whacking it against the side of the house.
(The bag split on the backswing and my tea sailed off into the undergrowth.)

I may have pissed on somebody's leeks once. I'm a bit hazy on that one.
(Big D, Fri 19 Sep 2008, 23:39, 1 reply)

It was the day Linda McCartney died.
Paul came home to the kids from the hospice and said to the kids.
'Kids, your mother's died after a long and painful struggle against cancer, I've got my eye on a one-legged fantasist harpy and I wrote 'The Frog Song'"
"Good news is thought, that it's steak for tea tonight'
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 19 Sep 2008, 23:31, 1 reply)

Food Tech Mishap
When I was in school in year 9, I was doing food tech and the thing we were making for the week was Bread and Butter pudding. I'd heard from friends who'd already done it that it was less than tasty, so I came up with a brilliant plan: replace the bread in the pudding with madeira cake slices, to make it nice and sweet. I felt like a proper genius.

The problem was, no matter how sweet tasting the cake was, none of that matters if you forget to cook it properly.

Long story short: Uncooked egg + six hours between 'cooking' and eating + covering the sloppy mess with custard to cancel out the bad egg = vomit. Lots of vomit.


I did the same thing with eggy bread the year after (only without the custard)
(europe-who, Fri 19 Sep 2008, 23:26, Reply)

Banana worm
You can poke dry spaghetti in to the bottom of an unpeeled banana so that it slides all the way up the inside. Leave it in the banana overnight, and the moisture turns the spaghetti soft-ish. Wait for your unsuspecting housemate/family member/local greedy glutton to start eating, and, wow! They think they've eaten part of some crazy ass tropical worm! Get it right and you can tell them it was a tape worm! Do it quick and you too can have a funny story to enter, but you may need to run fast when they find out....
( Jimbuktu See? Right here, Fri 19 Sep 2008, 23:15, 5 replies)

Pretend Sabotage
I became a vegetarian at the age of twelve, so my mum would keep Linda McCartney pies and other vegetarian foods in the freezer.

Anyway, one evening my mum decided to have a bit of fun with my chavvy little brother by telling him that we only had Linda McCartney pies left and that he would have to have one of those.

My little brother sat on the sofa eating his dinner with his baseball cap on, pulling a stupid face and saying, "Awwwww, this is ****in' disgustin'."

When he finished, my mother produced an empty box from the kitchen and revealed that she had not sabotaged his dinner after all. It was in fact a Bird's Eye chicken pie.
(Small Czechoslovakian Traffic Warden, Fri 19 Sep 2008, 22:54, 6 replies)

Hmmmm....
I do worry this QOTW might get a bit stale - all the stories are basically going to boil down to b3tan/friend of b3tan knows cunt. b3tan/friend of b3tans puts something icky in cunt's food/drink. Cunt eats/drinks icky stuff. I have a standard one but I'll just make it all clipped English.

In the finest borough of Dover there is a vendor of meat that is known in its home land as "kebab". It was named after the great Admiral Kebab, who single handedly lead the Khazakstan army to victory against Japan in WW 0.5.

And so it came to be on one moonlit night that two adventurous fellows did happen upon said vendor. Feeling quite famished from a night of dancing, witty exchange and revalry with the finest social darlings the town had to offer, they decided to happen upon the vendor and try some of this strange ethnic cuisine.

They were slightly melancholic about the affair, but since losing the battle of Crabble Recreation Ground in the year nineteen hundred and ninety eight they had been unable to return to their regular dining quarters for fear of attack from the new ruling party, the O'Brian's of Heathfield Avenue.

"Dear sir, this food looks awfully queer. I think I shall take....what does that say? A doner kebab? Yes, that sounds quite acceptable. Tell me kind sir, who donated it?"

The two patrons laughed at this remark. The shopkeep did not, most likely due to not understanding any language than his own, primitive tongue.

After more banter with the ethnic gentleman they decided to garnish this "doner kebab" with garlic sauce. True, garlic was the herb of the old enemy but by Jove, tonight was a night of adventure, so why not flirt with the tastes of our brethren across the sea?

Upon exiting the shop they sit upon the pavement and look up at the sky. The night was full of stars and they each quietly contemplated how each of those stars have helped Dover's seafaring adventurures conquer mighty Poseidon as they dined upon their new, foreign cuisine. Then a most peculiar thing happened.

"I say old boy, this garlic sauce doesn't taste like what my palate is accustomed to".

But the magic of the night overwhelemed any curiosities about the food and they enjoyed the rest of the night.

But foul things were afoot. Upon a later date, agents sent on behalf Her Majesty did frequent this shop to ensure that this strange foreign food was fit for consumption by the mighty British populace. They found something most peculiar in the garlic sauce. Yes, the British are used to consuming sesame seeds. They are used to consuming poppy seeds.

But human seed?

Fin.
(GONEism, Fri 19 Sep 2008, 22:50, 1 reply)

ah cuddly old tramps....
Many years ago a friend of mine worked on a building site here in Ireland. It was slightly before the dawn of safety passes and 'restricted personel only' signs were prominent. Basically most building sites were meeting places for many, shelter for some and even workplaces for a few hardhatted tea loving paddies.

One of the afforementioned shelter seekers was an elderly tramp who used to kip in one of the rooms at night. The lads on the site used to give him a cup of tea in the morning, when they were having a few themselves, to set him up for his days tramping about in the world before returning again to the site for his nightly slumbers.

He was a pleasant chap and full of stories and had become something of a site mascot and was dearly loved by all. This love that kept old scruffy warm was however ripped from his hide, one fateful morning when one of the chaps arrived into the tea room to see the dirty bastarding fuck of an old cunt standing over the hot water boiler and provider of tea for the masses with a slightly surprised look on his face , a ladel in his hand . . . . .'a busy stirrin' his underpants.

Fucker had been washing them weekly there and didn't really cop the connection between the faucet and said boiler.


length - about .00022 of a second before dubliners were treated to the site of a tramp with no underpants sailing over a building site wall - Sleeping privelages revoked.

side note , jeesis that one fucker might have been the reason sites are so picky about who goes on them now.... hmmmm

sidenote 2 - about a year since my last post... I probably owe a few stories after all the reading I do here :) watch this space..
(The Cats Twat, Fri 19 Sep 2008, 22:48, 2 replies)

Not *exactly* sabotage...
But..

My old house mate at college, bless her..once told us a very amusing story.

As a teenager, my friend was, as are all teenagers, incredibly horny. Her preferred form of onanism was..taking a nice firm carrot from the vegetable drawer, and pleasuring herself with it. Fair enough. Problem was, she did not dispose of said vegetable delight in a humane manner.

Oh no. She would do the deed, then return the carrot to the vegetable area of the house. Naturally, at the family sunday lunch, she declined certain orange-hued vegetables. But her family LOVED them..

Special sauce, with that, sir??
(Carmen Dyslexia, Fri 19 Sep 2008, 22:12, 1 reply)

Not sabotage (yet)
I've just fed my snake. Snakes (well, baby ones like mine at least) eat baby mice called pinkies, which are about an inch long and pink. Having spent most of the day working trawling the QOTW, my deviant mind saw the mouse babies in a new light.

Nobody's pissed me off enough yet, but if I offer you a sausage roll, beware.

Any inventive suggestions for how (or, more pertinently, why) to feed someone a dead mouse, feel free. It's fine to discuss in the abstract...isn't it?
(Holloway_Girl To err is to be human, to be a fool is to believe, Fri 19 Sep 2008, 21:47, 12 replies)

teachers coffee
we had this computing teacher at high school he was actualy no a bad guy but he got ripped on for the was he was he was wee and fat camp and walked in a folating mincing way anay way one day a laddie in ma class gobbed in his coffee
in he came sat at his desk took a mouthfull and swished it around his mouth swallowed hard and this is the best bit
stood up and said in his poofy voice righ what one o you wee bastards spat in ma coffe
(reetard nobodyknowswheremyjohhnyhasgone, Fri 19 Sep 2008, 21:40, 7 replies)

I used to live with a Jewish guy,
actually quite religious, and said he didn't eat various things - pork, shellfish, particular kinds of jelly(!)...blah blah blah, a really long list anyway.

Well, he was having his Mum over, and I offered to make them a kosher meal.

They weren't as grateful after they ate it and I revealed it was 90% pork!

Fucking dickhead thinking he's better than everyone else, am I right?

What, I'm not right?

Oh...well, he wasn't Jewish, he was vegetarian. There we go, it's hilarious again.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 19 Sep 2008, 21:31, 3 replies)

my bondage slave was being obnoxious
so I replaced my urine with tea.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 19 Sep 2008, 21:22, Reply)

Hmm...
Think I might have just sabotaged myself. Currently got a load of bacon-wrapped chicken cooking in the oven, liberally smeared with brown sauce on top, brown sauce acting as a glue to hold the bacon to the the chicken and this is gonna be accompanied by more brown sauce.

On topic moreso, I've sabotaged a vegetarians quorn burgers by replacing them with proper meaty ones whilst at a barbecue. I've also nearly killed myself by undercooking a kebab that was dodgy in the first place (Sainsbury's premium lamb and mint kebab that somehow looked even worse than a proper kebab) and then eating it.

I'm doing a roast dinner for my housemates next weekend.

;)

No apologies for length, it was satisfying in ways you will never be able to imagine.
(Ghost Atreides enjoying incontestable health benefits on, Fri 19 Sep 2008, 20:06, Reply)

Tea/coffee
Elastic bands are always fun, but for truly disgusting subtlety you can't beat (with the small-scale Maxpax machines where you add your own water) adding small amounts of orange squash powder to the tea. Looks normal, tastes foul.

We also tried this with a bit of vegetable soup mix, but the floaty bits gave it away.
(rogerzilla, Fri 19 Sep 2008, 19:56, Reply)

Hai qotwers.
I have another for you.

One not quite food related.

Once we had a lady called Lynda who worked for us. Like most Lynda's she was a red faced, plump 40 year with too much time and a huge chip on her oompa loompa like shoulders. Oompa Loompa was our nick name for her, which gives you an idea of how she looked.

Anyway, to cut a long story short -too late, I can here you cry- she pissed off one our Christmas temps. Now unlike most temps, this one was really one you wanted to keep on your side. She was gobby, bitchy the lot, but in a most likable way.

Any way, Lynda decided to push this person a bit too far. I cant even remember what it was.

When Lynda went on lunch, Vicki -the temp- got Lynda's lip gloss, and wiped it in the toilet bowl. Not just the bowl, but the lip of it. The bit where the water comes out or. It had black 'bits' all over it. Covered.

She put it back together, and that was that.

2 hours later, talking to Lynda about something, she decided to use her gloss. As she took it out, it now had pink lumpy bits on it. I couldn't talk anymore. I just watched, as she smothered her lips in it.

I had to leg it. I could not watch. She never knew what was done to it, and she never bloody will.
( @RBFesquire Good luck b3ta, was nice knowing you. So long., Fri 19 Sep 2008, 19:01, 2 replies)

Not sure if it's sabotage
Someone at Uni used to write on his milk cartons "I've pissed in this milk", so nobody would try and steal it. Except that someone else would then write "so have I".
(meat2veg hello!, Fri 19 Sep 2008, 19:00, 2 replies)