More Biology lessons
and sex education moves on to contraception. Young female teacher asks does anyone know what the Withdrawal method is?

"It's when you whip it out just before you come and spray it on her tits." I was very proud of it at the time but felt a bit guilty when the whole lesson degenerated after that and I got a bollocking
( Badger_Phenomenon, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 16:05, Reply)

i fell out with my father.
didnt speak to him nor any of that side of the family for over a year, and i find out he's getting married and wanted me to go. so i packed up my grudge and went to watch him be wed.

we got there and me and a few friends were staying in a nearby cottage. we'd had a fairly hectic stag night the night before and on the day of the marraige were all slightly worse for wear. so we thought perhaps some billy would liven us up a bit. and it did. we giggled through the ceremony and started caning champagne. a few bottles later and ive pulled the bridesmaid... result! the billy wears off and im paralytic, i hit the dance floor. drop my aunty on her back and throw beer on her.

and for the finaly, as the wedding car pulls away, i run out of the hall sideways, trip on a wall after which is a five foot drop onto concrete, smash my glass and cut my hand up, then i get lost on the 40yd walk back to the cottage, wake up on the driveway at 4am.

ive not spoken to my dad since really.

apologies for the essay.
( Tiggy Twitchin', Thu 22 Apr 2004, 16:04, Reply)

Not me - a friend...
For no real reason, one of my friends says "What if a man had a cock so big he could do himself up the arse?" At this point, the super-evil, ultra-frigid Miss Menzies comes along and, nonchalantly, says "Beautifully put." and walks away.

After a minute of total incontinence, the laughing eventually stops.
But the words "Beautifully put" still put us into hysterics.
( ArthurTheRat, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 15:59, Reply)

All 3 Legs in Mouth...
Back in 1999, I had the dubious pleasure of working in the Isle of Man on a 6-month secondment to a Bank over there.

I was becoming more than a little annoyed one particular day when my stationery kept getting swiped by all and sundry... This peaked in the afternoon when, having left my desk for 30 f*cking seconds, someone had taken my stapler - I stood up and shouted:

"Which thieving Gipsy bastard nicked my stapler?!"

Silence.

"I beg your pardon..?" came the reply from the girl sitting opposite me, who then proceeded to explain she was descended from a long line of Romany ancestry. It was then explained that the same was true for a large chunk of the population.

Half of me wanted the ground to open up beneath to avoid being cursed by a vole on a stick or something. The other half thought it served them right for being Pikeys. But I kept that quiet and left soon after.

Another one - not me:
A colleague on an IT helpdesk I worked at was getting increasingly annoyed with a particular customer who had the phone on speaker, and was barely audible due to a bad line. When she finally gave in and asked him to take the phone off speaker he replied that he couldn't, because he didn't have any arms.

Not much you can say to that really...
( B00gle-H00ps Looks like a horse, in a man costume..., Thu 22 Apr 2004, 15:44, Reply)

Crazy People...
My sister works with mentally disadvantaged people, not severe, but people who hear voices, or cannot interact properly with others.

Anyhow, she's taking a couple of them out to another part of the hospital. They come to a road. A car is coming and one of them started to walk out into the road... My sister grabbed him back saying, "Watch out, Are you mad!"

He looked at her quite calmly and said, "Yes, that's why I'm with you."

She was just a little embarassed...
( icezebra *insert large monkey*, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 15:31, Reply)

You know you're changing into jade goody when...
A few weeks ago in RE class i said "Karma, isn't that a curry?"

Yesterday i called nintendo a racist american company. It is in fact a racist japanese company.

These are just a few. Nothing makes sense with fynzade around.
(i am definitely not a towel (or simon pegg), Thu 22 Apr 2004, 15:23, Reply)

So sorry this is so long
I was at a mate's house down in London having a few pre-night-out drinks. There were five of us chatting - me, two mates, and a couple - my friends flatmate and his rather delectable girlfriend.

We got onto the subject of mates who are little embarrasing (a list which I am now no doubt on) and I had to tell them about my mate Brendan who is gay, extrovert and likes to shock whenever possible. To illustrate his tactics I told the hilarious tale of Brendan being introduced to my girlfriend, when his charming opening line was "It's lovely to meet you but I'm afraid I can't stay for long. I'm as skint as a jews cock!".

As I finished this hilarious tale, the only sound was of my mate desperatley trying not to piss himself.

Turned out that not only was the girl jewish, she was also witholding any sexual contact until the boyfriend went through with a circumsision, an operation that he was very reluctantly due to undertake in under four weeks
(aneraseroflove excuse me...i have to go to space now, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 15:19, Reply)

Foot in mouth
When at school my friend and i noticed during a p.e lesson that one girl had pariculary saggy tits for a 16 yr old, we then thought it would be funny to ask her if her dad owned R & R Saggers (a small gardening centre just down the road from our school). We could then have fun laughing at her expense while she thought we were asking an innocent question! 'No, my dads dead' she replied.

Ha ha ha, oops!
(jonnyfox, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 15:18, Reply)

Job application
Recently I was thinking of applying for an internal job move, so emailed the relevant person asking if they wanted to come over to me and set up an informal chat. Unfortunately I missed out the word "to"...
(Glen Moranjie, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 14:50, Reply)

Big mistake
I had of those chain "get to know people" email things where you answer the questions about yourself, add some new questions, and forward it on. I added some reasonable questions then a stupid one of "how many fingers do you have?".

This would be fine if I hadn't sent it to one of my friends who only has 3 fingers on each hand. I knew she did but I just completely forgot about it because its something I don't notice anymore. She was mighty pissed off about it to begin with and I felt SO bad because I know its always been an issue for her. ooops.
(hache, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 14:45, Reply)

It happens a lot to me...
But the event I remember most recently took place in my mate's room in uni halls. I wandered over there as I usually do when I'm bored or just want a chat, anyhow, on this day there was a bloke in there with her just talking. Now I don't know most of her mates, so I just assumed this was a normal student, so joined the conversation and everything seemed fine.

Then it progressed onto music, now our Uni had recently blocked Kazza, so many people were floundering around for new downloading programs. But not me having moved off Kazaa before even moving to uni. So when this guy asks me how/where I get my music I smugly tell him the programs I use and how it's be very difficult for the uni to block them, and the theory as to why it's difficult.

He then says: "It doesn't sound too hard, I could probably do it given a couple of hours"

Me: "Why on earth would you want to do that?"

My other friend (whose room it was, and who had been sitting there quietly looking more uncomfortable the longer I talked) piped up saying that this mate of hers worked at the uni computer help desk and was part of the crew running the university internet. One of the same crew who had blocked Kazaa.

Luckily he didn't say or do anything about it. (sorry about the length)
(Root, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 13:54, Reply)

Date
I was out in Bournemouth taking a girl i'd met at the pub out for dinner. We started talking about sports and stuff and I said that I play football & Cricket etc, so she challenges me to race to the restaurant which was only about 100m away, so I sprinted off whilst she was still counting. During my extremely fast run I turned round to see where she was then turned back, kicked a curb and slammed my face into the pavement. Hospital followed. Lovely
(mrmonkfish yolo420weedwizard, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 13:54, Reply)

Look - no hands!
A few years ago at work I went to meet some new clients. There were about 5 people in the room I hadn't met so I went round the table shaking hands with them. I went to shake one guys hand and too late I realised that he didn't actually have one - he had a sort of stump/proto-hand affair just off his elbow.

So I shook that instead.

Both of us knew it was weird. I certainly don't think I heard a word anyone said for the rest of them meeting - I just kept thinking "WHY DID YOU SHAKE THE STUMP!!!??? WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST WAVE OR SOMETHING??".

In retrospect though I think it was actually right for me to treat him the same as everyone else. But it still felt weird....
(zootius, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 13:50, Reply)

Ooops
I was at a very posh dinner party in Kensington with my new girlfriend and all of her incredibly snooty pals. One lad was dying for a ciggie so I galantly offered to 'run round to the Pakis and pick up 40 Malboro Lights'. The fact I'm of asian extraction myself and from Glasgow where the term is used in an offhand way, did nothing to detract from the embarrassed silence which ensued or the telling off I got later from my g/f.
(lookingglass, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 13:50, Reply)

Names
I used to get my ex's and my dogs names mixed up all the time.

Probably explains why the relationship didnt last!
(Mogg Questioned her own sanity on, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 13:46, Reply)

water fights
I was at uni, it was baking hot and just before the exams, so we decided to have a water fight to let off a bit of steam. Well, it actually started with a pint of water being poured over a mate and went downhill from there. We'd made the sensible suggestion that glasses shouldn't be used as water recepticals, but after my plastic glass got nicked I ran into my room picked up a normal pint glass, filled it with water and went back outside. As I went outside, my mate came round the corner, we both threw water at each other, the two glasses connected, my glass smashed and cut through 3 tendons in his hand. He had to have a scribe all through the exams. Ooops.
( proteus, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 13:44, Reply)

As a teenager we attended our youth club regularly...
One time they'd purchased and displayed a particularly phallic cactus. Being young and witty, I exclaimed to a friend of a friend, "That looks like your dad's cock!". Then I remembered his dad had committed suicide the previous month. No-one laughed.

(It was particularly phallic mind)
(I'm afraid of wet bread, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 13:43, Reply)

With an ex of mine
at a mutual friend's parent's place in the middle of f*cking nowhere, we were all sat around after a most pleasant lunch, when my ex starting ranting about 'effing scout masters' and what a 'bunch of effing paedos they all are', how they should all have their balls choppped off etc etc

At that point, our mutual (no longer) friend's dad said 'Well I hope my scout troup doesn't think of me that way'.

I should have made the silly cow carry me the 5 miles back to the station.
(noodledoodle really shouldn't share his humour, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 13:36, Reply)

Online gaffes
At work we were doing research on Monopoly boards for a project, and I came across this picture

images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=home.socal.rr.com/churchofnate/monopoly-submission.jpg&imgrefurl=http://home.socal.rr.com/churchofnate/&h=250&w=400&sz=17&tbnid=LScVGFdLGKUJ:&tbnh=75&tbnw=120&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dmonopoly%26start%3D20%26hl%3Den%26lr%3D%26ie%3DUTF-8%26oe%3DUTF-8%26safe%3Doff%26sa%3DN

It amused me (I'm a B3tan, it goes without saying I'm a bit twisted!) so I copied the link and went to MSN it to the other peeps in the office. I accidentally added a new online acquaintance to the MSN list. She is from Israel. And is Jewish, And her grandparents died in the Holocaust.

I spent hours cringing over that one.
( notshiny, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 13:30, Reply)

I once kicked someone's teeth out...*
... Does that count?

*[not strictly true].
(microsaulxp, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 13:15, Reply)

not me
years ago, my set in biology was told to write an essay on pond life and tiny organisms, i think it was.

My friend came in with her essay blazenly titled "The Life of Orgasms".

She had misspelt it the whole way through. It was a work of comedy genius.

I told her, but only because I had to - I had collapsed unable to breathe from hysterics on the floor, so she knew something was up.

She didn't hand it in. Shame
(niceandwarmandhot vive la résistance, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 12:58, Reply)

Foot in Mouth Syndrome
one day one of the musicians that worked with me asked if I'd ever heard a rap version of the music from the film Bullitt. I said "I can't believe any moron would be stupid enough to dick around with a fine piece of music like that,also that I hope the rapper burns in hell along with his Ma for giving birth to a bozo like that" .He then uttered the words "I did that"

oops
(himmler, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 12:43, Reply)

He's behind you....
Like ok, I have a knack for these sort of things and when a mate sent me a link to these pages I just had to add to it...!

I was at school and like we have mark sheet up on the wall after you hand a bit of coursework in, the thickest boy in the class (name of Clint) didn't have a mark againt his name so I go on about how typical that is and how he probably didn't hand it in, everyone laughed so I plough on coming to the end of my performance by a demonstration of how he...talk....real....sloooooooow - no laughter, I just come out with - he's behind me isn't he? Indeed he was!

Many years later I'm at uni and my course gets taken off to this really interesting show to look around new products! Anyway, I find that there is always one really anoying bastard in the group and there was! He was a right clingy twat that had no friends and really annoyed me! Me and a mate got to the show and ran away before he could tag along with us! Hiding round a corner for a bit in comes another bloke off our course so I say loudly - "oh you got rid of clingy prat Paul already? Good going..." Yeah he was behind me!

Theres many more...
(Poots, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 12:30, Reply)

Where I used to work...
there was a software developer who was always coming on to me. For about five years. Even after I got married. One day he said to me 'Go on just give me a try, I'll grow on you.' I answered, 'Yeah, like a tumour.'

This a very nasty thing to say to anyone, let alone someone whose Mum has had cancer.

It didn't stop him trying it on every day though.
( Safetyfox, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 12:19, Reply)

This girl
I had a huge crush on a girl in the 6th form. Her name, sigh, was Lisa. She was very cute - especially in punky torn fishnets and a purple micro skirt - but dim.

Once in 'A' Level biology, the teacher said:
"Who knows what gonads are?", so Lisa put up her hand and said "Are they the people that wander about in the desert?"

Another time, someone asked her if she was a virgin, and she said "I can't remember. Is that if you have or if you haven't?"

Ah, Lisa, where are you now?

Che
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 11:57, Reply)

If only the ground could open up and swallow you...
The morning after a particularly funny Daisy Donovan show I decided I'd share a joke from it with the rest of my mates..."Dr Dr I'm a schizophrenic and so am I"

I'd completely forgot that my mates Mum was a schizophrenic...god I really wanted to die right there and then. Everyone else glaring at me like I had a disease didn't help either.
(Emmatron, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 11:49, Reply)

phobias
For some reason, whenever someone tells me they have a crippling phobia of something it makes me laugh out loud. This has happened twice, but come on, fear of unclean showers is just silly.

Another time I was walking home with this guy from Kenya, and I made a comment that I'd heard people had been mugged down this particular alleyway, and asked him if he'd ever had any trouble. Apparently, in Kenya one time he'd been car jacked, they beat him up to a pulp and stolen all his clothes. I felt bad; the worst thing that happened to me was some spotty 15 year olds stole my wallet.
(amazingmikeyc internet ninja, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 11:47, Reply)