When my nephew was about seven, on my arrival one visit, his first question was
"Uncle Vagabond, why did we bomb Dresden?"

Impressed with his learning history, I thought I would skip the First World War and subsequent economic and political discussion, and instead thought it best to simplify the matter.

"Well - Dresden was an industrial town, and made lots of things that the Germans could use to fight against us. We bombed them in order to stop them being able to have them."

He looked me up and down, and with shock and anger in his young voice told me "YOU'RE NO FUN ANY MORE!", and ran off.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 12 Jun 2012, 16:56, 16 replies)

i used to pride myself on taking everything i needed to a festival in a small rucksack.
I used to sleep on the tent floor in a thin shitty sleeping bag, for 2 hours or so, spring out of bed like a startled whippet, and spend all day moshing.
Now, i seem to have a large rucksack, and a holdall full of shite. my tent is fooking massive, i have a self inflating rollmat, a sleeping bag AND a blanket/poncho thing, i spend half the day moshing, the other half sitting down wondering if i'll live to see tomorrow after all the earlier moshing, and i sleep for about 6 hours and wake up feeling like i was gang-raped by a troop of irate baboons the day before. every year, the pain-to-pleasure ratio gets less favourable, the amount of crap i take with me increases, and the noise/face i make when extracting myself from camp chairs gets more improbable. by my calculations, by 2020, i'll need to set aside a full day of the festival to allow for the time it takes me to get out of my camp chair, and hire two to four sherpas. fuck, i might even need a TROLLEY. when the time comes that i decide i need a coolbox, i will knock it on the head and just sit in the garden with my headphones on, with the sprinkler running over my head, periodically pay my girlfriend £20 for a slice of undercooked shitty bacon in a white bap with watery ketchup, then snort some bicarbonate of soda off the floor beside the toilet.
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Tue 12 Jun 2012, 15:53, 14 replies)

I was in Banana Republic a couple of days ago
and felt pretty smug to be buying a shirt full price, not from Peacocks.

I was waiting in the queue and there was a blonde girl serving behind the counter. She was in her twenties I guess and all kind of blonde and sparkly eyed and smiley. She was chatting happily with the guy in front of me, and I smoothed my hair and nervously toyed with my cuff, waiting for my turn. I was in town, had finance, and was about to have a conversation with a cool young thing - one of my peers.

The girl handed over the man's credit card and smiled and said goodbye; she turned to me and I took a deep breath - and my wife who was sitting down nearby suddenly shouted "ARE YOU GOING TO FIND SOMEONE TO SERVE MY HUSBAND OR DO IT YOURSELF OR WHAT? HE CAN'T JUST STAND THERE ALL DAY".

And I stared at my Matchstick shoes in humilation as the frightened girl scurried off to find someone else to serve me; a glimpse of happiness cruelly snatched away.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Tue 12 Jun 2012, 15:32, 2 replies)

The three times I went to Glastobury
You could still get in without paying and without running the risk of getting beaten up by some neo-nazi thug patrolling the no-mans land between security fences.

Now I watch it on telly.
( P-MONKE We're all fucked, Tue 12 Jun 2012, 15:28, 2 replies)

For Bristol people
We went to the Corrie Tap yesterday. It was full of people who looked to be about 12, so we left and had a pint of mild in the Portcullis instead.
( Ungersven would support SpankyHanky's patreon, Tue 12 Jun 2012, 15:07, 5 replies)

Making noises when i sit down.
Not farts thank goodness, but kind of "aaaah" noises as I sit down. Like a "thank God I am not standing up any more" relief noise.

Recently this has developed into a weird kind of comment like "ay! ay! ay!" followed by a deep breath out; "aaaaah....." as I lower myself down, which occassionally startles people on public transport. I don't know what it means, but young people don't do it.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Tue 12 Jun 2012, 14:59, 4 replies)

3 generations!
My father, me, and my 2 boys could easily have been cloned! Its like 3 generations of Mini Me... I do however have the smug satisfaction that when my boys take the piss out of my baldness I know it wont be long until they are taking longer to wash their face in the morning! I am approaching 40 and have been bald since my early twenties - fucking genetics!!
(the_icks has the sweet essence of giraffe, Tue 12 Jun 2012, 14:14, 4 replies)

One sure test
Place a mirror flat down on a table or floor, then look down into it.




If the sight of your face melting, sagging and drooping doesn't send you screaming from the room, then you're not old yet.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Tue 12 Jun 2012, 13:48, 4 replies)

A Horrible Hometime Realisation
As I was packing up to leave work the other day, I checked in my cupboard and found a bag of sweets.

"Ooh!" I thought, "I'll take those for the journey"

'For the journey', for arse's sake. I might as well buy a tartan blanket for the parcel shelf and be done with it.

I'm also on the cusp of another stage in the language-of-ageing process, specifically how my leisure time is described.
Childhood: 'Playing'
Teens: 'Hanging out'
Young people: 'Chilling'
Me, any day now: 'Pottering'

I'll need to be careful, of course. Too much extreme pottering and I might have a fall.
(costas, Tue 12 Jun 2012, 13:12, 5 replies)

I find myself repeating stories to people who've already heard them.
I know the over-60s are notorious for this kind of thing, but I've already got it down to a fine art and I'm barely half that. =o(
(Paolo Nutini's Bikini Better than Frederick Fleet's optometrist, Tue 12 Jun 2012, 12:21, 3 replies)

I really want to go to Reading Festival this year
But I don't know who half the bands are and the half I do know, I don't like!

I want to be young again and enjoy the feeling of getting muddy and drunk in a field listening to bands. But I just can't bring myself to be that dirty, tired, and unhappy for three days straight.
(The Kwyjibo A big, dumb, balding North American ape., Tue 12 Jun 2012, 12:01, 17 replies)

Grandfather watches the grandfather clock, and the 'phone hasn't rang for so long ...
And time flies by, like a vulture in the sky - suddenly he breaks into song.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 12 Jun 2012, 11:01, 6 replies)

pictures
I was looking at a picture of my dad at a family do yesterday and felt really old when he pointed out that at the time it was taken he was younger by 6 years than i am now.
Perhaps he looked ancient before his time
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Tue 12 Jun 2012, 10:07, 2 replies)

was talking to a friend about b3ta...
... and realised that I'd been reading the newsletter, playing the games, enjoying QOTW and laughing at the image challenges for around 10/11 years now, when my friend showed me the 'Spiderman Will Make You Gay' gif style type thing, and playing 'Spot the Clifference', all at school in the early 2000s, now I work in a popular chicken restaurant living with lady_edward in Plymouth... feels like ages ago that I first heard that.song, realising it was a decade makes me acutely aware of how much time has passed and that I am, indeed, getting older.

Though I'm still a whippersnapper, I know I won't be one forever...
*sniff*
(saint_edward, Tue 12 Jun 2012, 9:33, 1 reply)

It's 30 years since ET came out.
Mind you look what's happened to the cast:
uk.movies.yahoo.com/what-happened-to-cast-of-et.html
(Smale is stuffed, Tue 12 Jun 2012, 9:23, 3 replies)

Hobbling With The Wolves
I went to see The Prodge a couple of years ago when they played Auckland NZ. What an excellent gig, almost as good as the last time I saw them at Brixton, my last gig before leaving for NZ.

The ticket actually cost more than the flight from my home in Christchurch, but rocketing ticket prices is not my old-man complaint today.

Not wanting to be one of the lonely looking oldies at the back of the hall I used to mock in my youth, I found a seat up in the gods, away from the dance floor and donned my glasses to watch the spectacle unfold in comfort. Looking around I was relieved to see quite a number of 'fans' my own age, and felt rather bouyed to not be the odd one out. As the lights went up, I realised I was all alone. I assumed they knew where the local pubs were and had headed off to get to the bar before the spotty rabble showed up. So off I went, merrily reflecting that 47 means nothing these days. That's when I saw my peer group, miserably shepherding their sweating and ear-ringing kids to the car park with for-Christ's-sake-I-should-be-in-bed looks on their faces.
(J H Christ began in Afrika ka ka ka ka, Tue 12 Jun 2012, 9:17, 3 replies)

The amount of answers I can think of to this qotw
definitely make me feel old
(teasus likes tea, Tue 12 Jun 2012, 9:17, Reply)

I remember when CDs came out
I thought they were wank then and I still do.... they were marketed as indestructible - anyone remember that?
They're marginally useful as a medium for transferring music around as long as you don't actually use them to listen to it but put it straight into your computer.
Cassettes were much cooler. I still have a cassette I was given when I was 8, almost 30 years ago and it still works. It's a bit wobbly in places and I had to operate on it when one end got snagged in the mechanism of a tape recorder so there's a little bit missing but can you imagine a CD lasting 30 years of being used and abused?
(teasus likes tea, Tue 12 Jun 2012, 9:16, 14 replies)

My mum was telling me recently how a surprising amount of her friends are pensioners.
*awaits "Your mum" jokes*

*this is B3ta*

Ah bollocks to it. I thought it was quite funny and sweet.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 12 Jun 2012, 9:03, 4 replies)

We are about to have some heavy weather
our way.
In my yoof I used to be in the SES. Up on roofs covering holes with tarps in the middle of the night during thunderstorms and all that.
Fuck that - don't think there'd be many gables or joists that'd hold me these days. I'll keep my volunteering to coaching my daughters soccer team and the school P&C thank you very much.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Tue 12 Jun 2012, 8:16, 7 replies)

Two lions sit on a hill overlooking a group of lionesses
One lion is old and grizzled and the other young and spritely.
"Lets run down there and fuck one of them lionesses" barks the young lion.
"Why not walk down there and fuck all of them" replies the old lion.
(technocore, Tue 12 Jun 2012, 7:36, 8 replies)

3 important rules for old people
An old guy I know told me that when you're old you must:

Never trust a fart
Always take the opportunity to go for a piss
Never waste an erection
(teasus likes tea, Tue 12 Jun 2012, 4:54, Reply)

I remember...
...when all this was CP/M
(minimalist ..., Tue 12 Jun 2012, 0:13, 1 reply)

I prefer to stay in now sometimes
Instead of going out
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Mon 11 Jun 2012, 22:44, 1 reply)

Old enough to be...
One evening Mrs. Sleekloon and I were round at a young workmate's house on a Friday evening. He was about 23 at the time and his 18 year old sister and her friend had dropped by to cadge a drink before heading out clubbing. My wife and I got chatting to the friend and the conversation covered all sorts - politics, science, other stimulating topics - when the young lass says, "It's great to be able to chat about these things. I don't get to do that a lot with people my own age," at which point we pointed out that we were quite a bit older than her, "Well, yeah," she says, "I know that, but it's not like you're twice my age or anything..."
Er...Actually...
It suddenly hit me that I was actually old enough to be her dad - bugger!
(sleekloon Curing Cancer one cell at a time., Mon 11 Jun 2012, 22:38, 1 reply)

The Warranty has Expired
In the last 5 years, since I turned 50, I've had the following:

1) heart operation (faulty mitral valve)
2) Hernia operation
3) brain surgery (removal of cavernous malformation - a blood vessel bleeding into my brain)
4) removal of dermoid cyst behind my eye.

All of these were problems with the body caused BEFORE I WAS BORN. So I'm not getting old, but all of the manufacturer's defects are now catching up with me.

No, fuck it - I'm an old bastard.
(Maclir, Mon 11 Jun 2012, 21:10, 4 replies)

Cancelled.
Earlier this year I took a three hour drive on a wet and windy Sunday morning to find the event cancelled. I remember when things only got cancelled due to weather when the marquee had blown down and the field was under two feet of water.
(jvz, Mon 11 Jun 2012, 20:47, 1 reply)

It hit me when...
I heard myself going on about what used to be here/there/wherever...you know, 'this was all fields' sounding stuff. And when I saw young adults looking exasperated when I was going on...

Fuck all, I'm old.
( HairyTwatter certified eel and sodium salesman, Mon 11 Jun 2012, 20:33, Reply)