Buying crap
When there's that special something that you absolutely must have but you know the other half will say no...

If you try to discuss why it's a necessity for you to have ANOTHER camera/pc/gizmo it'll end up as an argument and you'll not have the toys.

If you buy it without telling her, you'll have an argument about why you need it, but crucially will have your new toy to console you
(Siipod, Mon 24 May 2010, 15:20, 5 replies)

plop


never lie about your weight to the bungee man
(Fake Spaniard, Mon 24 May 2010, 15:14, 2 replies)

Never try to do up your shoelaces in a revolving door.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 24 May 2010, 15:05, Reply)

Now I wish I'd listened to what my mother said ...
I'd tell you what it was

but I wasn't listening
( Bootsthealchemist is barred from the Masterchef Facebook page, Mon 24 May 2010, 14:45, 2 replies)

A good one for QOTWers
A good answer should be like a lady's nighty: long enough to cover all the important bits, but short enough to keep it exciting.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Mon 24 May 2010, 14:43, 5 replies)

hmmmmmm
hmmmmmmm
My Gran once told me....

Never look a badger in the eye on a Tuesday
If it's raining in the village down the road
If you see a frog on a Saturday or Wednesday
It's probably not a frog, but a toad.

The wind that blows from the West is better
Than the wind that blows from the South
Your Grampy likes a blowjob on a Sunday Morning
But I don't let him come in my mouth.
( insignificantsnivellinglittleturd I Like Peas, Mon 24 May 2010, 14:34, Reply)

I'd rather have my mail delivered by Boeing
than fly in a plane built by The Post Office.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Mon 24 May 2010, 14:04, Reply)

Never, and I repeat never...
punch your granny when she's shaving.
(skintagain, Mon 24 May 2010, 13:54, Reply)

One for the mountains
Getting up is optional, getting down is mandatory.
( calgacus Non sum qualis eram bonae sub regno Cynarae, Mon 24 May 2010, 13:49, 1 reply)

More than just a one line answer I'm afraid....
I have a piece of advice that I have learnt over the last few years and that is:
Don’t trust your mates all the time.

Ok that one may sound a little negative and needs a bit of backstory so stick with me a moment and I will tell you why.

I am lucky enough to have a very decent life. I’m pretty able for my age, I try and work out whenever I can and thanks to my old job in the armed forces I have learnt how to deal with certain situations whenever needed. I also realised that the army was not a long term thing and have learnt a few other trades to fall back on when I eventually returned to civilian life i.e. letting the military pay for me to train in auto repair (another bit of helpful advice is that as long as there are cars there will always be repairmen needed). Anywhoo I gained my qualifications, dropped out of the army and moved in with a few of my old buddies. I knew that returning to the real world would be hard and I needed to cut cash where I could so living with my pals would be ok until I found steady employment, right? WRONG.

These friends of mine decided to take the piss and have started to take me for granted. If I’m not doing the odd welding/ patch up job to some battered up car of theirs then they hire my services out to any bugger who needs me and then take a fair cut for themselves, despite the fact that I do most of the work while they stand around and chat up the local floozies.

The biggest reason for my mistrust is regarding my food though. Many a time I will have the bastards spike my food and lie to my face , the next thing I know is when I wake up surrounded by my three buddies taking the piss, god I really should throw them in the air the next time I get a chance. The dumb thing is that I will always seem to fall for it (Usually once every week). Thankfully the government caught up with us and the series was eventually cancelled after they introduced Frankie Santana to the team as a special effects expert blackmailed by the military.

I’m off to play Warcraft.
(mon bison powered by magnets, Mon 24 May 2010, 13:39, 2 replies)

Never use ninja moves from the way of the tiger series
www.mspaintadventures.com/phpBB3/viewtopic.php?f=37&t=4225


On the back of this role playing book from the 80's, that the older BT3a'ns may remember, they printed a list of ninja moves that the PC police would have kittens about these days.


You will end up breaking a girls arm and losing all your lunch times for six months. especially damaging was the dragons tail sweep....which sadly i never got to use again :(



Edit - This happened at school a long long time ago, before the rain, before the snow.
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Mon 24 May 2010, 13:37, 2 replies)

As I was told by a friend...
in Costa coffee last week, I believe it was Tuesday, he had a cappuccino whilst I just had a bottle of water. We'de just got back from a game of squash, and he had beaten me 11-5. Anyway he told me this piece of advice and I don't think I'll ever forget it:

"Don't add too many pieces of irrelevant information when you're passing on advice"

and I never have.
(Charlietron Still can't think of anything witty to put here, Mon 24 May 2010, 12:32, 12 replies)

Everybody's Free to Shop Kittens by Spaz Lurpak
Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of 2010

Shop kittens

If I could offer you only one tip for teh B3ta, kittens would be it.

The long term funnez of kittens have been proved on Lolcats whereas the rest of my advice is no more relevant than random article on Wikipedia.
I will dispense my bollocks.

Enjoy the lulz and skillz of your posts; oh nevermind; you will not understand the lulz and skillz of your posts until they have bumped.
But trust me, in 6 months you'll look back at your posts and recall what the spluttering fuck you were thinking trying to shop Boris Johnson in the bath wearing horseshit for a wig.

You are not as shit as you imagine.

Don't worry about the replies; or worry, but know clicking replies is as effective as trying to mask fur using a laptop touchpad.
The real errors in your pics are apt to be things that seemed far funnier in your head;
the kind that inspire you at 2pm on some idle Wednesday.

Do one thing everyday full of seams.

Memes

Don't be threadjacking a talented artist, don't put up with people who post your idea first.

TOAP

Don't waste your time on the detail;
sometimes it's easy, sometimes it frustrates.
The week is short, and in the end, it'll be too late to post.

Remember the clicks you receive, forget the flames; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old artwork, delete all your old source pics.

Khaaaaaaan!

Don't feel bad if you don't know how to approach this week's challenge.
Some artistic people I know couldn't think of anything by Saturday teatime at least.
Some of the most talented people don't post by Tuesday

Shop lots of freebase pics.

Be kind to the mods, you'll miss your account if closed.

Maybe you'll win, maybe you won't.
Maybe you'll make frontpage, maybe you won't.
Maybe you'll skip this challenge, maybe you'll get the top spot with an anim of Tom Cruise on a magic carpet.
What ever you do, don't click your own posts either;
your skills are half decent, so are everybody else's.
Enjoy the B3ta, read it every day if you can, don't be afraid of the boards, or what other people post on it;
it's the greatest website you'll ever read.

Draw, even if you have nothing to do it with but MS Paint, for example.

Read the FAQ, even if you don't agree with it.
Do NOT read HappyToast's profile, it will only make you feel worthless.

Get to know the memes, you never know when you'll want a quick and dirty

Always read the newsletter;
they have the best links to Youtube and the archive will provide amusement for when you're bored in the office.

Understand that B3tards come and go, but for the precious few you'll appreciate.
Work hard to hide the seams in your piccies and anims because the more you feather, the less chance that any outlines will make someone's head look like it's glowing.

Post on /board once, but leave before you get cosy; post on /talk once, but leave before it makes you bitter.

Tubso.

Accept certain optimisation problems;
bit-rates are low, artefacts will be visible, you too will lose detail;
and when you do you'll fantasize that if you were charge the limit would be more, animations would last ages and /board would support quicktime and mpegs.

But not Realplayer.

Don't expect anyone at all to reply.
Maybe you have a few fans, maybe you have plenty of friends, but you never know when they might find someone far better.

Don't post stuff that's work unfriendly, or by the time you refresh, you will be naughty stepped.

Be careful which comments you give, but, please try to ration the woos and yays.
Pea roasts should only be in the reply;
just because it is a way of digging out stuff from your archive, adding big eyes, sticking text in the corner and claiming it's something new and fabulous.

But trust me on the kittens
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 24 May 2010, 12:30, 5 replies)

When cutting cheese
clamp it into something.

That's my gouda vice.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 24 May 2010, 12:26, 2 replies)

Remember
the nail that stands up above the others gets hit first by the hammer.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 24 May 2010, 12:25, 6 replies)

"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint" - Mark Twain
Also, don't let your missus use the NHS online symptom checker unless you want to spend half your life in A&E for every chest pain
( h3donist tryin' to play me out as if my name is Sega.., Mon 24 May 2010, 12:20, 1 reply)

The story below reminds me of some advice I was given by a nutter at a wake
"If you want to kill someone, run them over in a car, chances are you can blag that it was an accident and though causing death by dangerous driving carries a 14 year sentence, if you are sober and weren't speeding you'll probably get off"

He claimed to have done it. He made me very nervous. He also claimed that night that he killed someone by throwing them through a car windscreen but got away with it by planting a knife on him and telling the police he pulled a knife on him so he threw him through the windscreen.
( Peej, Mon 24 May 2010, 12:19, 2 replies)

If you are holding a hammer...
...most problems start looking like a nail.
I am comfortable with nails, so when I experience problems, I tend to reach for the hammer.
(Lump, Mon 24 May 2010, 12:19, 2 replies)

Can't put tit's on ball lad.
What the fuck does this means? Recanted to me by a northern friend.
(CaptainCuntyBollocks the man who can with a frying pan full of lamb, Mon 24 May 2010, 12:15, 2 replies)

If you ever kill anyone
Don't tell a soul.


*told to me when I was 16 by some nutter in Liverpool, he also said 'it doesn't matter how hard the other person is, nobody's bullet proof' cue me shuffling nervously on my seat.
(Kip, Mon 24 May 2010, 12:03, Reply)

..
SMELL gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas
(spinks its only kinky the first time, Mon 24 May 2010, 11:58, Reply)

Never trust Matthew Kelly
He has shifty looking eyes...Although I will never meet Matthew Kelly, or indeed want to, that was my mums sage words to me a few years back.
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Mon 24 May 2010, 11:42, 4 replies)

Always treat others how you expect to be treated.
So with casual disdain, bordering on annoyance.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 24 May 2010, 11:41, 1 reply)

Don't base your enitre nations' diet on just one food item
Potatoes, for example.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Mon 24 May 2010, 11:36, 3 replies)

Words of workplace wisdom
Shy bairns get nowt.
( calgacus Non sum qualis eram bonae sub regno Cynarae, Mon 24 May 2010, 11:31, 2 replies)

My brother's advice
Well, my adopted brother really. He said to me yesterday "Never side with anyone outside of the family again".

Bollocks to it. What's the worst that could happen?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 24 May 2010, 11:26, 5 replies)

Always
use the right tool for the job...

©GJC
( Boot I want to know what you meant, Mon 24 May 2010, 11:26, Reply)

Never rub another man's rhubarb
And I never have.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Mon 24 May 2010, 11:15, 1 reply)

You only need two items in your tool chest...
Duct tape and WD40.

If it moves and it shouldn't, use the duct tape.

If it doesn't move and it should, use the WD40.

Sorted.
(Stuffed Chimp, Mon 24 May 2010, 11:15, 1 reply)

Shagging Birds
My mates Dad's advice to us as we left for Uni with the prospect of shagging many different wimmin from many different places.

"They're all pink inside"

Advice? a message? a warning? Who knows but he was fucking right!
(TheManofScience, Mon 24 May 2010, 11:09, 2 replies)