If you want to be last don't come first
Last?
(TwinkleFuckingToes Has a ingrown toe nail, Thu 27 May 2010, 12:14, Reply)

Though John Gotti used to say
I never lie because I don't fear anyone. You only lie when you're afraid.
(Happybara The jungle came alive and took him, Thu 27 May 2010, 11:50, 2 replies)

Lies...
If you tell a big enough lie and tell it frequently enough, it will be believed.
(Happybara The jungle came alive and took him, Thu 27 May 2010, 11:38, 1 reply)

Never tell a lie
Lie to no one. If there 's somebody close to you, you'll ruin it with a lie. If they're a stranger, who the fuck are they you gotta lie to them?

Courtesy of Frank
(cname, Thu 27 May 2010, 11:25, 2 replies)

From my Dad
Treat a tart like a lady.
And a lady like a tart.

Works a treat. Seriously.
(kidcamel is due to call your mum at, Thu 27 May 2010, 10:50, 9 replies)

Do not look at kiddy porn.
That is unless you are a celebrity, and have a valid legitimate reason for doing so..like..."research".
(TheRiddler Hmmmmm... I concur., Thu 27 May 2010, 10:44, 2 replies)

Seasickness...
Not a cure for anal sex.
(patchsticles Me and you, elbow fetish club:, Thu 27 May 2010, 10:35, 3 replies)

Last.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 27 May 2010, 10:32, 4 replies)

Never say 'Last'
before Midday.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 27 May 2010, 10:29, Reply)

How to disarm a "speak to the hand"
High five it.
( Crap Little Monkey Deathstar, so good they built it twice, Thu 27 May 2010, 9:58, 3 replies)

Are paying to much for your car insurance
then why not try gocomparenigeria.ng where you will be offered the best quote.

No need to enter your details on a various web pages, just send us your bank account details to [email protected] and we will find your insurance details that way.

For an even quicker quote add your credit card numbers and debit card numbers and we shall do everything for you.
(bigbear45 scousers are the barnacles of society, Thu 27 May 2010, 8:34, 1 reply)

Advice that may come in handy when I'm old... or older.
From an elderly bloke I know.

Never trust a fart
Never pass a toilet
Never waste an erection
( difficultchild, Thu 27 May 2010, 8:03, 2 replies)

Earlier this year
A few weeks ago I spotted a man drop his wallet, he didn't notice so I picked it up and ran after him.

When I gave it back to him, his face lit up. He was of Middle Eastern descent and he said to me "Thank you. I owe you so much. A word of advice: Don't go to London on June 12th"

Shocked, I asked "Why, will there be a bomb there?"

He said "No. It's just shit".
(dchurch bah, Thu 27 May 2010, 7:48, 1 reply)

never use Brillo pads on your Tefal pots and pans!
I consider myself to be quick on the uptake, so I taught myself this advice (as I was paying for a new set of frying pans!!)
(Anne Frank started to build a loft conversion on, Thu 27 May 2010, 6:52, 2 replies)

A guy once told me...
Do not have any attachments, do not have anything in your life you are not willing to walk out on in thirty seconds flat if you spot the heat around the corner.
(Dannyboy_37 raped your dead mum whilst stamping on your kitten, Thu 27 May 2010, 6:43, 3 replies)

If you eat a dead rat first thing in the morning....
Nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day. (that is unless you can think of something worse than eating a dead rat)
(Monkee girl not a monkee, not a girl, Thu 27 May 2010, 4:13, 1 reply)

I'll be brief....
Don't wipe your arse with sandpaper.

Practical, yes
Likely.... depends on your 'kind of thing' really...
( HSDriver was probably still at work on, Thu 27 May 2010, 3:08, Reply)

Big brothers advice
My brother once told me

"There may not be many fish in the sea, but there are plenty of holes on the beach"
(EvilMeister, Thu 27 May 2010, 1:33, Reply)

This advice
is actually surprisingly worth heeding...if you don't take it too literally.

"Never apologise"

My colleague's rationale for this was, if you find yourself in a position where you have to say sorry, you can only have arrived at it by maliciousness because otherwise you'll have a perfectly reasonable excuse for your actions. So don't be malicious and you'll never have to say sorry.
(StapMyVitals wouldn't mind a bit of that, Thu 27 May 2010, 0:44, 13 replies)

Never march on Moscow
in the late autumn
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 27 May 2010, 0:16, 4 replies)

short and sweet
a mate told me this rhyme for some simple guidance:

to keep your relatioship brimming
with love in the loving cup
whenever you're wrong admit it
whenever you're right shut up


nowt so true.
( greenish, Wed 26 May 2010, 23:36, Reply)

Good Advice
If you have to ask yourself if its a good idea,
it is probably a very bad idea.

This applies to underage women you are about to shag,
strange pills you are about to swallow,
and just about anything you ask yourself when drunk.

On the other hand, it'll probably be fun, so do it anyway,
and fuck the consequences.....
(justin7926, Wed 26 May 2010, 23:21, 4 replies)

The best, and most utterly disregarded advice on this planet:
"Don't feed the troll."
(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Wed 26 May 2010, 22:28, 4 replies)

Advice from James Herriot I wish I'd have known
One old farmer giving me advice about choosing a wife once said; "Have a bloody good look at the mother first, lad. " and I am sure he had a point. But if I may throw in my own little word of counsel it would be to have a passing glance at how she acts towards her father.
( BrokenCoccyx doesn't mind if you grope on, Wed 26 May 2010, 22:06, 2 replies)

only 2 things you need to know...
I was told by a much older work colleague to "get off at luton, not st. pancras...." Wise words indeed.

And that you cant put shit back in a horse. But that one i tend to recall after the poo has hit the tarmac.

That is all
(halfmanhalfninja is constantly putting the shit back in the horse, Wed 26 May 2010, 21:03, Reply)

Say What
I was walking with a friend and spied a human-sized turd (not the size of a human) and prodly suggested "Mind the Crap!", a line I had been eager to say for some time.

Apparantly he hadnt seen the turd and turns to me and asks "What did you say" while continuing to walk.

I saw the whole thing in slow motion; the crap wrapped around his shoe like a fat brown sloth administering a hug and his foot sank deep into it.

time immediately speeds up and all of a sudden he is hopping around, screaming, slapping his foot on the ground.

I cant help but to laugh at him.

It reminds me of that scene in teh matrix with the vase
(hathat, Wed 26 May 2010, 20:36, 2 replies)

My advice is: never confuse correlation with causation
Since realising this, my life has been so much better.
(Cuthbert Annihilator, Wed 26 May 2010, 20:03, 1 reply)

Don't listen to college careers advisors
From past experience they know bugger all and will tell you nothing useful.
If you want to do something, go out there and find a way to do it yourself.
You don't need some wally working for connexions to tell you all the reasons why you'll never be able to do it.
(FootOfTim, Wed 26 May 2010, 18:59, 3 replies)

I don't need no good advice
I'm already wasted.










bindun? i'll just get my coat
(Melody was not PMSing on, Wed 26 May 2010, 18:47, Reply)