Never, ever do this:
(this needs a pic to show why..how do I put one here?)
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 21 May 2010, 10:41, 1 reply)

A great philospher once wrote
"Naughty naughty, very naughty"
(ParaSitius is an Optimistic Pessimist, Fri 21 May 2010, 10:40, 5 replies)

Stay on target...
If you ever find yourself flying an X-Wing and needing to shoot a couple of torpedo's into an exhaust port 2 metres wide.

Use the Force.
(ParaSitius is an Optimistic Pessimist, Fri 21 May 2010, 10:36, Reply)

Don't shit on your own doorstep
Or on anyone else’s doorstep for that matter. In fact, you’re better off only defecating in a toilet really.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Fri 21 May 2010, 10:32, 2 replies)

From a wise and benevolant landlord, some time ago:
"If at first you don't succeed - put it in her hand and cry."
(scunnydelight, Fri 21 May 2010, 10:30, Reply)

Don't push your granny when she's shaving

( Prof. Piehead, Fri 21 May 2010, 10:25, Reply)

If it flies, floats or fucks, rent it.
One I keep in mind for when I become very rich.
(DrDoxy, Fri 21 May 2010, 10:17, Reply)

It's weak legs that let a body get hurt boy
That is all
(schrodingers cat now you see me, or not, Fri 21 May 2010, 10:02, Reply)

Don't trust whitey.

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 21 May 2010, 9:58, Reply)

heh
Draco Dormiens Nunquam Titillandus.
(tb2571989 dies at precisely, Fri 21 May 2010, 9:45, 3 replies)

For every complex problem, there is an answer that is clear, simple and wrong.
H.L. Mencken.
(theremin put the lotion in the basket on, Fri 21 May 2010, 9:37, 4 replies)

Don't expose them to sunlight
Don't get them wet, and don't feed them after midnight.
(Petite chien is going to do science to it, Fri 21 May 2010, 9:33, 1 reply)

Worry
90% of what you worry about NEVER HAPPENS.

Get on with life and stop wasting your time on worrying.

Worry about it when it happens.
( Stevedix http://www.stevedix.de/blog, Fri 21 May 2010, 8:54, 3 replies)

shortly after
being caught shagging my girlfriend by my father at the age of sixteen, a huge argument ensued and I stormed over to my grandparent's house.

My grandfather, ever a rational and caring man, gave me these words of advice:

"Now boy, you can do it all you like, but always remember it's the second hole from the back of the neck."
(Hernandez Fiendish probably won't be here until at least, say, Fri 21 May 2010, 8:52, 1 reply)

many, many, years ago from a dear friend who is of the lesbos persuasion
"god gave you a tongue, use it until told otherwise"
(wallynothere rnot without protection, Fri 21 May 2010, 8:50, Reply)

Never put your dick somewhere you'd not put your fingers.
Cheers, Gran.
(The Boy Monders I have ginger bits in my beard., Fri 21 May 2010, 8:26, Reply)

avuncular advice
i suspect he heard this somewhere before imparting it to me.

"if you can put yout tongue in,its all fine. if you can put your hands in and clap, put your coat on and go home"

seems to work.
( bazza van der trance , ooh baby baby, baby baby. Get up on this., Fri 21 May 2010, 8:24, Reply)

I used to worry about things....
Things like what people thought about me, whether I might finish a world-shatteringly important paper on time, whether I might get that job, whether talking to that gorgeous girl in the short-shorts in gym class would end badly... Things like that. One day, my dad sat me down, looked me in the eye, and said..

"If you worry, you're going to die. If you don't worry, you're STILL going to die. So why worry?"

He died in my arms at 4:00am of the next day. Dying breath, he closed his eyes, said, "You're still going to die." I've followed the advice like a mantra for most of my life.

First legitimate post, I think?
(Trial.TM, Fri 21 May 2010, 8:06, Reply)

Badger's advice on tattoos.
If you want a permanent mark on your body that will guarantee that people notice you, set fire to yourself.

It's MUCH cheaper and the results are truly eye-opening.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 21 May 2010, 7:34, 6 replies)

If a months work can be crammed in a day
have fun for a month and cram away
( Barksley thinks he doesn't think he thinks, Fri 21 May 2010, 7:07, Reply)

Dennis Rodman has sensible advice regarding tattoos

When I was 16 I heard Dennis Rodman (think: tatted up weirdo who will do anything for attention) give an interview. He was asked what he'd say to "young people" who are thinking of getting tattoos.

"I would say that they should plan exactly what they want, and exactly where on their body that they want it. Then wait exactly one year. If you still want it, then go get it."

So simple, I don't know why no one else has seemed to think of it!
(jessemoya, Fri 21 May 2010, 6:38, 2 replies)

My Uncle Tony
Has given me some of the best advice I've ever had.
There's loads of it, but his absolute finest moment is:
Excelpet Fleacare powder will get rid of the crabs and if your girlfriend finds it in the cupboard she's far less likely to leave you.
( difficultchild, Fri 21 May 2010, 6:37, Reply)

Dig a proper grave or don't bother.
Shallow graves just get dug up by predators.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 21 May 2010, 5:56, 2 replies)

Advice from my Grandmother - then 76
On seeing my new waterbed for the first time and having a bit of a lie down on it.

"This would be no good for sex"

she was right

On discussion on moving in with girl friend who was not very good for me but, had me blinded to her boganish, selfish ways with the occasional blow job and monkey sex.

"Why buy a bad book when there is a library full of good books you can borrow and use for little while? If you treat them well it makes it easier to borrow more in the future"

Again she was right, women talk amongst themselves and if you are nice to them and generous in your love making, word gets around....

Thanks Nana, I have you to thank for

a) Getting a bed that was good for sex
b) Borrowing a reasonable number of women to use it for the aforementioned with.

She is 92 now, and her mind is still razor sharp but, the body is slowing down a bit. Might see what she has to say about getting away with clandestine affairs with nubile 20 somethings.

If anyone needs advice from my Nana, let me know and I will check with her.
(bad_advice QOTW survivor from the first trollocost!, Fri 21 May 2010, 5:43, 1 reply)