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This is a question Guilty Pleasures, part 2

It's been a while since we last asked this question and CaptainFellatioNelson's confession that he likes "to fart under the duvet, creep in and see how long I can last only on the fart air contained within" reminded us just how good it was last time.

What are the little things you do for fun when nobody else is around?

(, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 11:48)
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Sunday Hangover Cure
Most Fridays and Saturdays I end up horrendously drunk. I mean totally incapacitated. This is an extreme pleasure verging on addiction, yet I do not feel guilty.

My guilty pleasure that none of my friends know about is every Sunday evening when my hangover is at its worst, I go to the chinese at say 11pm and order an absolute feast. Usually spicy meat stuff.

I chow down (heehee) on this while watching More4s comedy, which invariably on a Sunday is: Father Ted double bill, Curb your enthusiasm (my favourite!!!) and then the I.T. Crowd.

Hangovers don't get any better :D
(, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 14:07, Reply)
Eating 'bad food'
Some background information; I am currently gestating a small unborn birdgirl or boy. I enjoy eating fish and chips and curries. The problem is it tastes so nice, I know it's not vegetables and fruit and things I should be eating, but... I just can't help myself.

This also goes for any amount of coffee or alcohol, even though I'm well within the FSA limits for consuming either of these things while pregnant, it's all those people looking down their nose at you as you hold your precious half pint of beer for the week.
(, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 14:06, 3 replies)
Chinese takeaway…

‘Nothing wrong with that’ I’m sure you are thinking, but although I live less than a minute’s drive from my local takeaway, I insist that it is delivered.

Oh, and I order the same thing…

Every single time…

About 3 times a week on average…

For about the last 5 years or so.

My telephone orders go thus:

Them: “Hello, Eastern Star”

Me: “Hello”

Them: *laughs* “10 minutes”

I then put the phone down.

A couple of years ago the delivery guy snapped as he made his delivery.

(Disgraceful stereotyping of Chinese language coming up…apologies in advance)

“Meeshter Poofwake, why you no haf sumfing diffelent? We haf velly many tasty fings for yu to tly?” He pleaded

My simple response was: “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”

I am a death-defyingly dull man.
(, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 14:06, 7 replies)
Lost in music
Car dancing has already been mentioned by one B3tan - but I think I take it to extremes.

I dance in my car - it's a purple MINI convertible.
I dance to handbag house music. Complete with arm movements.
The combination of the music, the roof off the car, the arm movements, and the car itself make me look camper than a row of tents. As well as frequent comments, smiles (more pitying than welcoming) from other drivers, but thankfully no accidents. I daren't listen to Led Zeppelin in the car any more, as the temptation to sing, drum and drive like a loon is just far too dangerous.

If I'm out of the car, I have bluetooth wireless headphones. The flashing blue light on them is bad enough for getting people's attention, but I tend to "frug" (i.e. not dance, but move rhymically) when wearing them. When on the train, this means I'll be typing furiously on the keyboard, then taking my hands off the keys to emphasise a piece of music I'm listening to, often with a grin on my face that's close to a fully E'd up gurn.

All in all though, these aren't guilty pleasures - as I feel no shame about my activities. At least music makes me happy - unlike 95% of the souls you see on the street who look like they want to kill themselves.

Guilty ones - well, obviously internet-based self-abuse; nose-picking; having the evil desire to set off the loudest firework in the world in my street at 3am but thankfully not having the balls to do it and upset my nice neighbours and their pets.
(, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 14:00, Reply)
I like to masterbate to the Kays catalogue
unfortunately it's the gardening section
(, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 14:00, 2 replies)
probably covers the last QOTW too
I have a Mike Mignola drawing in my wallet instead of my wife's pic

does that make me a bad person?
(, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 13:53, 1 reply)
Life in the fast lane
I do a fair bit of motorway driving (long daily commute) and lets face it we've all had that [email protected] in a BMW or similiar who comes tearing up behind you in the outside lane and tailgates you at a distance of about 6 inches, even when it's obvious you're only in that lane as you're overtaking the lorry that's doing 62mph that's itself overtaking the lorry that's doing 61mph.

Anyway, whenever I get one of these road muppets who's so eager to get past they've almost wet their pants I like to be courteous and I clearly signal my intention to pull in as soon as I can. Then when I've passed said lorry or caravan etc I begin changing lanes.

So eager are they to get past they begin accelerating to overtake me while I'm still changing lanes, fast closing the gap behind me.

Then my little bit of enjoyment is to take my foot off the accelerator.... No brakes, so still doing a decent pace but it takes 2 or 3 mph off my speed. It's just enough to make the [email protected] crap themselves as they come uncomfortably close to rear ending my car and usually they have to jab at the brakes etc.

Very satisfying bit of road revenge.
(, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 13:53, 2 replies)
Ear Wax
Does anyone else collect their ear wax in a small empty nivea pot???


Errr Me neither

*If it gets into the top ten i will post pictures
(, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 13:53, 3 replies)
On occasions when I’m feeling a bit at a loose end, I’ll browse my book collection. A great many of them are reference books, of the ‘genre’ type. SF stuff mostly, a huge amount of Doctor Who reference material, Bond, Star Wars (The Action Figure Archive – one for last week’s QOTW), Buffy…

Currently I find myself dipping into the Complete Slayer, randomly flicking through the pages and seeing what the memorable quotes for particular episodes are.

All time favourite? Spike to Giles, season 6 episode one, having just rescued him from a vamp attack: “What’s the matter, Watcher? Did your life flash before you? Cuppa tea, cuppa tea, nearly got a shag, cuppa tea“.

I can spend hours doing this…
(, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 13:53, 4 replies)
Am currently re-igniting an addiction to facebook. It's not that I don't have anything better to do (PhD anyone?) but I have an overwhelming urge to check it every five minutes even tho there's nothing likely to be happening.
I'm blaming Zoosk (dating site), and am happily spending far too much time looking at pictures of men.
I have discovered that there are many strange and many attractive men in Manchester and that not everyone hates the ginger. Not completely wasted time then.
(, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 13:51, Reply)
The thing I currently look forward to most
is, sadly enough, Thursday's Sub-Of-The-Day - the 'BMT'; Pepperoni and salami, hold the ham, with lettuce, cucumber, sweetcorn and mayo. Hot toddy, that's some tasty processed crap.

Since my workload is winding down (I'm off at the end of the month to Aus) I have very little to occupy my mind, and so I currently look forward to Thursdays in an almost inappropriate manner - I wake up and as my mind slowly works out what day it is a grin spreads across my face.

Hopefully when I get to Australia my life will become a little more meaningful.
(, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 13:50, 6 replies)
The morning's online cartoon trawl that precedes the working day
but for which I still get paid.

Ten minutes of stolen joy in an otherwise hate-filled world.

P.s. end of lunch break, time to close QOTW.
(, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 13:50, Reply)
Tetris, Monopoly, Yahtzee, Bombjack & more
...have all been loaded on my (various) phones which have accompanied me for an extensive shit which may last up to a half hour. I suppose you could say I'm sitting in the trap with my boxers round my shins, playing with myself...except I'm trying to get my computer opposition to sell me the last of the green streets in Monopoly so I have that corner of the board sewn up. I genuinely begrudge going back to work after a good game.

This for the last four years on a variety of Symbian S60 & Windows Mobile devices, all with the volume cancelled; it's like the developers know their market.... Java eh? Marvellous.
(, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 13:50, 1 reply)
every lunch time, everyday, seven days a week.
(, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 13:46, 5 replies)
My Sisters Ex
He was a hairy man. Now those are hairy will no about klingons. For those who don’t….let me explain.

A klingon is when little bits of poo that get caught up in your bum hair while wiping. Occasionally they get so caught up that they stick areas of bum hair together creating a kind of smelly bum hair wax treatment.

Anyway – his guilty pleasure was to cut out his klingons and keep them in a small pill box next to his bed. Fuck knows why – but this was the same man who had a tub full of bellybutton fluff.

We all found out about this guilty please when one day when my sister was over his house and decided to have a nosey while he was in the shower. She found a small pill box containing some small brown pills and a lot of hair. She she carefully plucked out the hair and rolled the resulting glob around in her hand, she gave it a smell and decided it must be that her boyfriend had dropped his sticky resin/hash on the floor – she rolled up a comedy style fat spliff and smoked away. It wasn’t “Good shit” apparently

This story is 100% fact
(, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 13:40, 4 replies)
Just realised mine
I enjoy anecdotes about poo. For some reason this and other QOTW's have seen me going beetroot red trying to stifle a laughing fit that would see me locked in a padded room.

It's obviously the childish side of me but other peoples horror stories and comedy moment about when dropping the kids off ended in disaster have me rolling on the floor!

(, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 13:40, 1 reply)
furiously to cheap Ben Dover porn as many times as possible whenever my girlfriend leaves the flat.

I'm yet to reach the zenith of 5 in one hour.
(, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 13:40, Reply)
I can't help it but...
I fapp over pictures of Kate McCann and Gayle Porter sans hair. :)
(, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 13:38, Reply)
Well, let's start with the music.
First off, my music collection is rather eclectic and features everything from Aerosmith to anime soundtracks, from dance to disco and from Rilo Kiley (arguably the best band ever) to Rammstein. But even I'm ashamed of the small quantity of late-90s pop tracks I own (and even turn off last.fm to listen to them). I torrented the first two Steps albums last summer, have a few by S Club 7 and even after publicly declaring I'd rather staple my ears to a horse than listen to Westlife I have a few of their tracks too. But then again I also still love the Spice Girls and don't care who knows it.

(Mr Maladicta's favourite bands: Static-X, Disturbed, Lacuna Coil, Oomph!, Korn, Merry, Mankind is Obsolete, Slipknot, Electric Six... and Abba.)

DVD-wise I'm not much better. Beside such cinematic gems as Amelie and LOTR (extended DVD boxset I got for Christmas from Mr Maladicta) and Breakfast at Tiffany's there are Series 1 of Cagney & Lacey, which I think is brilliant, and, of course, Mrs Doubtfire, which I still think is one of the best movies ever made.

Dancing like a nutcase in the privacy of my room to the Shiny Teeth Song from Fairly Odd Parents.

Kids' TV - Powerpuff Girls, Johnny Bravo, Pocoyo, Tracy Beaker, Bob the Builder, and if the BBC still showed vintage Grange Hill I would watch that too. Hate Shaun the Sheep though, the theme tune annoys me.

America's Next Top Model.

Heat magazine.

I also like nothing better than watching Neighbours with a cup of tea when my Freewire is working properly and sometimes hobnobs too.

As much as it pains me to admit it, sometimes I enjoy French translation.

I sort of fancy James May; he strikes me as being utterly filthy.

And my latest - Primeval :)
(, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 13:34, 5 replies)
Was it a B3tan
that photoshopped their friends to make them look a bit fatter, and stuck the pictures on facebook?
(, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 13:33, 1 reply)
My guilty pleasures.
- Watching Friends. Yes, I know.
- Scaring the shit out of drivers who fail to see me and pull out in front of me at a roundabout or junction. I just keep going. Works best when driving a big van. I also do this to kids who play chicken with cars.
- The pleasurably beefy smell of my own arse-gas.
- Curries. As hot as possible, with shitloads of yogurt, white pitta breads and an 8-pack of lager.
- Prostrate stimulation. Believe me, it works.
- The smell of underpants that have been worn for three days.
- Red Dwarf. I could happily watch this for days on end.
- Desperate housewives. Again, I know.
- Shitting! Everyone loves shitting. I have been known to spend up to an hour on the bog, reading MCN and then wiping my arse on it afterwards (it's the only thing it's good for.)
- The Sun. I just love laughing up my sleeve at the reactionary tabloid bullshit.
- Pot noodles with massive lumps of cheese in.
- UK Garage and Scouse House. It's shit, but I love it.
- That lovely burned out feeling the next afternoon after a night spent dancing on E. Best spent with a bottle of brandy and a spliff or eight.
- Stephen Fry. I fancy him. I don't know why, as I'm not sure I'd call myself gay.
- Riding a motorbike. There's no better feeling than passing a two-mile-long tailback and laughing at all the twats in cars as you go past.
- Pretending to be a spastic (in private, of course, or in the company of my equally deranged father). There is no greater joy and freedom than that of licking windows and gurning.
(, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 13:32, 6 replies)
I've said this before but
sooooooo much pleasure can be derived from:

1. Arriving at petrol station forecourt.
2. Notice drivers queuing for a pump on the side of their car where the petrol cap is.
3. Driving deliberately to a pump on the 'wrong side'.
4. Quick glance at still waiting drivers.
5. Effortlessly filling up by walking round back of car with petrol nozzle.
5. Paying, getting back to car, quick glance at still waiting drivers and subtly shaking head and mouthing "wanker" as I get back in the car.
(, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 13:32, 11 replies)
I like to get a lovely big cup of coffee
and roll myself a nice spliff...

Then, and only then, can I watch the glorious televisual feast of wonder that is Torchwood.

I'm so, so sorry.
(, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 13:31, 4 replies)
and creme eggs obviuosly.

i gave them up for lent, so when i eat them they taste EVEN GUILTIER!
(, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 13:31, Reply)
Singing along in the car to entire albums.
I can sing along flawlessly to every single part of these albums:

1. Buffy The Vampire Slayer The musical - Once more with feeling.
2. Pink Floyd - The Wall.
3. Queensryche - operation mindcrime (you wont know it).

My favourite song is "I'll never tell" from Buffy - I pretend to be Xander and include the facial expressions. I can also do most of the dance inthe middle. Look at me! I'm dancing crazy.

I am going to have to die now.

edit: God i really want to play the buffy album now.
(, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 13:28, 9 replies)
I Like to put my underwear in the microwave
on a cold winter morning.

In the summer i put them in the freezer next to the oven chips.
(, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 13:27, 5 replies)
bootweb most haunted episodes
what can i say, sometimes in retail its gets quiet so i download episodes to watch in between customers. yvee, david, ciaran, karl - s'all great.

i love the feeling of not wanting to go into the stock room at ten in the morning because i think im going to get a pebble thrown at me...

ill even watch the ones with derek. he is a berk tho.

length.. im sure sam will tell him the amount of time in clink that the inevitble fraud sentance will bring
(, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 13:27, Reply)
Having a wank in the shower, Prisoner Cell Block H and picking my girlys spots and blackheads. And sticking my tongue up her b... whoops that was supposed to be a secret. Damnity Damn.
(, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 13:26, Reply)
Kills some time
-Putting my cat on my head to give me the appearance of a Davie Crocket-stylee hunter. (he isn't too keen on this, last time he nearly removed my ear)
-Lying in bed and farting silently, then counting the seconds till the disgusted reaction of my girlfriend. Times vary.
-Drawing smiley faces on the bottom of mugs and waiting for people to drink from them.
-Knocking on peoples doors and running away. I'm 22.
-Opening Outlook on a colleagues computer before he arrives, giving him the impression that someone is reading his e-mails while he isn't there. I find his reaction more fun than actually reading them.
-ZZ Top
-Deliberately misspelling 'Manifold' on work drawings so it says 'Fanimold'.
-Making small cocks out of blu-tac and leave them lying around.
-When my heavy-metal loving, beard-sporting mate comes round, giving him The Kitten Mug. He also loves it.
-Having a shit with the bathroom door open. It's just nicer somehow.

Plus the (what appears to be) usual practise of pant-wearing telly-watching.
(, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 13:26, 2 replies)
BBC "Have Your Say"
Despite being generally quite chilled out and relaxed I am also very political and love nothing more than a good old, politically motivated rant.

I don't lean toward any party as such, however I have quickly learned to treat them all with equal disdain:

New Labour? All they give a shit about is fucking up the country and taking as much tax off you as possible. Like to stiff the middle/upper classes.

Tories? As above but with a weakness for buggery as learned in public school. Like to stiff the middle/working classes.

Liberals? Took 'em 18 months to agree on the name "Liberal Democrats", why would I want them in government? Some of their policies seem guaranteed to ensure they stay a minority oppositon party.

Green? ALL the greenies I have ever met suffer from advanced rabies. Want to stiff everyone, ergo more should be shot.

BNP? Who gives a fuck about quality of life, they just want everybody out of the country who they don't like, while listening to Wagner. More should be shot.

SNP/Plaid Cymru? I'm English and wish I could devolve from Westminster, but I can't either.

So far any BBC debate which either involves tax, the government, transport, crime or politics in general will elict an acerbic a post as possible from me, Indeed I once had the honour of having one of my questions put to the Junior Minister for the Environment by the BBC, however the fat speech impeded cunt dodged the question beautifully, endlessly repeating the words "TAX! TAX! TAX!" no doubt with wide eyes and slavering mouth.

I sincerely hope his testicles shrivel and his cock falls off.

Meanwhile, my local MP is regularly appraised of my current political bugbear. Do I feel ashamed?

Do they feel guilty about taking your money and farting in your face?. The leeching fat cunts are there to work for you, make sure they earn their keep.


*clenches fist*

[edit - I also like kittens. Fact]
(, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 13:25, 8 replies)

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