I have a huge penis
The guilty part is that it isn't mine.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 1 Sep 2007, 18:58, Reply)

probably belongs in a QOTW from a few weeks ago
but there is a so far unknown person (me) at work who lets of the most rancid silent farts ever, for example stood outside the entrance to the factory having a coffee before starting, let one go and a few moments later my supervisor who is stood a good 10 feet behind is asking "who shit?" and saying that it is evil

i have been accused of being the culprit a couple of times but saying that im stood too far away always gets me out of it

at first i though one of my colleagues would always get the blame since he farts and burps loudly all day long and applauds himself for volume and length etc. but his excuse when i cunningly slip one in is "if it was me i would have told you when i did it" which is 100% true

now all i live for is the constant suspense and coming up with new and bizare excuses to get me off the hook. its fun to let one go near some people and then walk away and come back when it has spread to their vicinity and listen to them accusing each other

i would apologise but it wasn't me im stood all the way over here

Edit: just had a look at a couple of pictures of Kate McCann on google and i totally would (i reckon that she would go bareback and i bet she swallows as well), does that make me a bad person?
( Reme Philips laid an epic dump on, Sat 1 Sep 2007, 18:50, Reply)

"Jock Itch"
I am a member of 'the gym' and being filthy places, I received athletes foot. This went untreated, and contamination of clothing meant it travelled to the next 'warm and moist' area, which was the groin. The symptoms are a rash and an itch which needs an iron will to ignore it.
I only recently had it sorted (with Canestan), but the joy of scratching that area in bed was truly awesome, a sense of euphoria I have yet to encounter. I'd recommend it to anyone. Ahhh.
(Nibi, Sat 1 Sep 2007, 17:35, Reply)

I have a terrible secret.
I liked Jar-Jar Binks.

LOL no, nothing that serious. I dig up dead dogs and fuck them is all.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 1 Sep 2007, 17:32, Reply)

Fanta Menace - below
What are you and Maura feeling guilty about? The alcoholic twat abused her generosity - she didn't say he could have *four* bottles of wine, drunk there and then - and deserved to lose his job. Dobbing in Maura to save him would have been a shitty thing to do.
( electric_goat, Sat 1 Sep 2007, 17:14, Reply)

of red high heels and polish men...
ok two guilty secrets that just added up to one horribly humiliating moment about 5 seconds ago.

first and understandable to women: i have a bit of a thing for very beautiful and uncomfortable shoes that i will probably never wear. so this morning i spent 250quid on the sexiest but classiest pair of red high heels you've ever seen. they should be illegal.

secondly, my flatmate and i both have a bit of a thing for the hot 22 year old polish blond delivery guy from waitrose. to the extent that we will happily order tons of groceries online instead of walking 2 mins to tesco, just in the sad hope that he is delivering.

i know, i know, but you should SEE this guy. then judge me.

so i'm marauding elegantly round the flat in a red towel and huge velcro rollers when flatmate rings and says she's left her keys, will i let her in as she's on the doorstep. fine. i walk past the full length mirror in the hall to do so, and can't resist slipping the shoes on as well. oh yes, they even look good with a towel. even if they hurt like fuck.

then i open the flat door. "get a load of these babies!" i cry. only to see that flatmate is not alone. no, she's standing right next to polishboy and this week's boxes of pointless shopping.

i've never looked/felt like such a prize twat. this was not a slinky seductive small towel and tanned legs job. this was a massive hair dye stained bath sheet, skinny pale legs sticking out of the bottom, jumbo blue rollers and a vivid green face mask...

fucking shoes, fucking waitrose, fucking fucking hell!!!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sat 1 Sep 2007, 17:05, Reply)

true story
I cried during Cool Runnings.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 1 Sep 2007, 16:47, Reply)

Oh, I've been to Nice and the Isle of Greece
while I've sipped champagne on a yacht
I've moved like Harlow in Monte Carlo and showed 'em what I've got
I've been undressed by kings and I've seen some things that a woman ain't supposed to see
I've been to paradise, but I've never been to me.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 1 Sep 2007, 16:47, Reply)

Another secret I've never told anyone



Years ago now and I was on a back-to-work employment scheme involved with the local arts scene.

I was a near-neighbour and good mate of the woman supervising the project, Maura. On the team with me was this alcoholic bloke, Mick who, although a nice guy, was as flakey as hell.

One day, after an artist's exhibition the night before, we had a couple of dozen bottles of Chilean vinegar, err, I mean Cabernet Sauvignon, left over.

Mick asked Maura if he could have a bottle and she said yes. I was present at the time and both Maura and myself assumed that Mick meant to take the plonk home with him. An hour or so later and Mick staggers into the main office utterly plastered and invites Maura, who he rather fancied, to the pub over the road. She refused and then got rather upset to find out that Mick had drank four bottles of wine in the storeroom. He left the office and, as he staggered along the corridor, he knocked a painting from the wall which hit the floor breaking the glass and frame which tore a gash in the canvas.

The overall manager was furious as the artist was an old college chum. Maura was hauled in for a grilling where she denied telling Mick he could take the wine. She tearfully pleaded with me not to drop her in it so, when it came to my turn, I backed up her version as being the truth. Mick was let go on the spot and was very lucky not to get charged with criminal damage and theft.

Not only did I have the guilt of fibbing but Maura, knowing that I had a hold over her, was decidedly cool towards me from then on - so much so that our friendship never recovered. On the odd occasion we pass in the street, we act as if we don't know one another.

There's not much I regret in my life, being of the "Ah fuckit, it's done now and that's that" persuasion but, if I could go back in time and stop myself being a witness to that conversation, I'd do it in a heartbeat.
(Fanta Menace Is tall enough to see over the fence, Sat 1 Sep 2007, 16:47, Reply)

A mate of mine, who I'm still on very good terms with.



Well, I did the dirty on him with his girlfriend, twice, a different girl each time.

The first one had enough of his clingyness and wanted a break. As he waited faithfully for her to return to his loving arms, she was with me as we shagged each other senseless. "Thank Christ you're nothing like Kevin" she said "I can't be doing with his whining and neediness when all I want is a laugh, a few drinks and a good fuck" She went back to him and put up with a few more weeks of his antics before breaking it off for good. He then turned up on my doorstep in a desperate state so we had to go out and get drunk - of course I made sure he was paying first before agreeing to accompany him. He told me that she'd said that, while on their break, she met someone who showed her how to have a casual relationship with no strings attached and that's the way she preferred it. "I wish I could find that bastard and fucking kill him" said Kevin. I gave a non-committal grunt or something as I sipped my free pint.

The second time was a few years later. Again it was his neediness and control-freakery that pissed her off. She wanted to end the relationship so he sent me round to have a heart-to-heart with her. I did as he asked but things got a tad too intimate so we had to retire to her boudoir to discuss some important details. I went back to him and said "Sorry, her mind seems to be made up and there was nothing I could say or do."

I tend to rationalise it in both cases as the relationship being dead in all but name so I wasn't too much in the wrong. I do tend to rationalise a lot of things in my life though.
(Fanta Menace Is tall enough to see over the fence, Sat 1 Sep 2007, 15:29, Reply)

Bum Love
I get immeasurable pleasure from scratching my arse.
(UXB you said it man. Nobody fucks with the Jesus, Sat 1 Sep 2007, 15:20, Reply)

Oh the irony...
I got drunk and cheated on my long term boyfriend.

: (
(ladyintheradiator, Sat 1 Sep 2007, 15:18, Reply)

Not me, I swear



A bloke I used to hang around with once, after a particularly heavy night's boozing came on to me. I turned him down flat as I don't go in for backdoor shenanigans. In a drunken attempt to persuade me it was all harmless non-gay fun he divulged the following information.

Himself and several male mates used to have (Hetro) porn watching parties at the weekend when his parents were away visiting his sick grandmother. After a few videos, the lads would get all worked up and need some sort of release. It started off innocently enough with open masturbation but, after that got boring, it became mutual masturbation. Then it progressed to people taking it in turns to dress in his mother's finest to 'be the woman' and give blow-jobs to or be thigh fucked by whoever's turn it was to 'be the man'. "We never went in for anal" he said in a last desperate attempt to persuade me it was not gay at all, oh no.

Why the fuck he ever confessed this stuff to me I'll never know. I never brought up the topic again (until now that is) and neither did he. I never knew who all of the group were either and it intrigues me every now and again trying to work out who was there at the time.
(Fanta Menace Is tall enough to see over the fence, Sat 1 Sep 2007, 14:54, Reply)

Guilty? I have nothing to feel guilty for
however, this guy pisses on the floor of public lavatories instead of in the toilet.
( St. Defenestration The REAL one, Sat 1 Sep 2007, 14:50, Reply)

Well, someones gotta say it.......
Well, im gunna let my guilty secret out, something ive thought about reading though here.


Legless posts the most shit ever!


How the hell could anyone acutally belive that twat? He seems to have a story for EVERY occasion. Gets more unbelivable the more stories i read.

Everyone click 'I like this' if you feel the same way
(DebbieDoesDerby, Sat 1 Sep 2007, 14:46, Reply)

my colleague
whom we shall call tim, because his parents chose it, spent last week staying with his girlfriend. at her parents' place in rural macedonia. there was only one car in the entire village and the taxi was a donkey. plus all the people look the same. he will be diving into a very shallow gene pool. it went down like a cup of cold sick when, looking at the 350 photos, i said it looked like the borat movie.

anyway, the father apparently had a stroke some years ago. so they yanked the toilet out of the bathroom and re installed it in the cupboard under the stairs. the combination of having to Q and having to hold a candle at the same time as using the toilet led tim to piss vigorously in the bath instead. every day. every time he needed to go.

only on the last day did the girlfriend mention in conversation that they needed a plumber because the bath leaked into the lounge underneath...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sat 1 Sep 2007, 14:25, Reply)

To metalhead41 and your non-degree



I know someone who lied to his parents that he was attending college to do a degree in chemical engineering. In fact, he left the house every day for several years and went off to do a succession of dead-end, minimum wage, jobs.

To this day, his folks can't understand why his degree is 'useless' for anything but low-paid menial work.
(Fanta Menace Is tall enough to see over the fence, Sat 1 Sep 2007, 13:22, Reply)

Cheesy Cigarettes
*POP*

After lurking for a veeeery long time I've finally decided to pop my posting virginity with this little nugget.

Many moons ago, my good friend Derv was seeing a lady from "Oop North" (thats North England for you septics). After being out on the lash for most of the evening with Derv, his lady friend and a couple of her mates, I ended up snogging one of her mates. This went on for a couple of hours and eventually we left the shit nightclub we were in and headed back to Derv's ladyfriend's place.

After leaving Derv and said missus way behind, I found myself on the doorstep on the way to getting down to some serious groping action (and possibly more)...... or so I thought. She did a complete about turn and decided to let me in on the fact that she was seeing someone (quite seriously as it happens) and wasn't prepared for anything else.

Well, after the horn was well and truly roused, I was quite miffed at this and after she went to bed, I noticed that she'd left her cigarettes on the kitchen table. I decided if she wasn't going to partake of the Swarve sausage voluntarily, she was going to taste it in another form, so I whipped my cock out and wiped it on the filters of all of her remaining cigarettes. I just hope I don't end up with some form of knob cancer from it.

Length? She never knew but she enjoyed about 18 inches of my goodness ;-)
(Swarve, Sat 1 Sep 2007, 13:04, Reply)

Toilet nuke.
Last one (for now) I promise...

Few years ago went to Ireland to visit the, now ex, girlfriend's Mum and family.

We were staying at her Mum's, she had one of this crappy new style houses (all small and cream carpets).

Anyways, after a day of drinking anything and everything (Ireland, remember?), needed a dump, realised it was gonna be a Notorious so made the excuse of wanting a shower (the shower was part of the en suite to girlfriends mums bedroom).

Turn shower on, sit down and wait to be pleasantly relieved. No. My arse went Hiroshima on me. Literally, could feel the burn.

Eventually, gravity reasserts itself and I'm off the ceiling. Almost. The toilet has my poop. All of it. It's easily past the halfway mark to the rim.

what. the. fuck. do . I do.

I can't flush - it'll instantly overflow.

Images of girlfriend and her mother looking at me with expressions of sheer awe then being replaced by physical revulsion and pity flash through my mind. No. No that cannot happen.

I grab the toilet brush. I start pushing. Was nearly sick (you ever seen a prickly globe of shit on a stick?!). This was not working.

I grab the shower head, turn the head till I have a power-stream and attack the toilet. It starts going away! I'm ELATED.

Then I realise - the water is hot. The most awful reek you have ever smelled starts to emit (cold water, cold water, cold water!).

Eventually all is gone, I have my shower. I was so happy!

Leave the light on in the bathroom (so the extractor fan keeps going), spray a lot of deoderant and aftershave all around the place, leave the door open, open bedroom window - close bedroom door.

Life continues.

Next day, girlfriend's mum looks a little embaressed when we come downstairs for brekkie. She's had to call the plumber - she's blocked the toilet in her bathroom.

Silly besom.
(allywilson, Sat 1 Sep 2007, 12:57, Reply)

conspiracy guy
There's this freaky guy at work who is a complete wanker - always complaining.. he is also ultra paranoid and I call him conspiracy guy (tin foil hats, unkempt etc).. I came into work today to find a note on my desk advising that there were usb ports on the side of the computer that I could use...

This guy is always bitching that I move stuff around, unplug the cables and leave crumbs on his desk...

so I wrote on the other side of the note

I have never used a usb port on this computer, I don't unplug all the fucking cables and I don't leave crumbs on your desk - it was ERIC, and always has been.

HARDEN THE FUCK UP LOSER

I have only just realised now that I chucked it in the bin next to his desk, instead of taking it in my bag like I was going to.. and he starts at 8am tomorrow.. eek!

he'll probably go through it now and I might get fired.. looks like I'll be up bright and early tomorrow to arrive at 8 because I "forgot my cell phone"

*fingers crossed*
(Sammyj, Sat 1 Sep 2007, 12:42, Reply)

lies and deceit
Broke up with my girlfriend. Told her I was gay. Said we'd still be best friends. Check out boys etc.

Pulled her best mate 2 hours later.

Guilt? Naw...that'd require a gland or something...
(allywilson, Sat 1 Sep 2007, 12:39, Reply)

Umm...
OK, so being brought up in the country you can get up to all kinds of jive...

Aged around 9, big squad of us (me the youngest up to about 13), realised that construction workers always used to leave their keys hidden someplace obvious on tractors, steam rollers, etc. (Usually behind the front left wheel sitting on the axle or something).

Big ole shed with a metal sheet roof and a wall running to its side.

It's my turn on the steamroller. I'm 9 years old remember. I can't control it, it starts scraping along the wall, heading towards the shed. Sparks are flying everywhere from the steamroller as it scrapes the wall (looked fantastic). I bailed out before it hit the shed.

The whole thing shook - and then a metal sheet/girder thingie starts sliding down the roof (this thing is easily 30ft long) - passes over my mates head (who is oblivious to this thing moving overhead) - and strikes the ground 2ft away from him. He now has a bridge over his head to the roof. I think I he might have laid an egg.

I nearly did a final destination on my mates head. :-(

Length? 30ft.
(allywilson, Sat 1 Sep 2007, 12:37, Reply)

my guilty secret
is that I used to enjoy watching Dawson's Creek. I am otherwise completely straight. Honestly.
( Kroney, Sat 1 Sep 2007, 12:16, Reply)

there are only two kinds of doctors
those who piss in on call room sinks

and liars

im not a liar
( bertisfantastic bert is a sleepy bear, Sat 1 Sep 2007, 11:56, Reply)

In 1986....
....I actually paid good money to see Chris De Burgh playing live at Wembley or somewhere. *sobs*
( Fathter Puddytat Kill Kill dat widdle boid is mine on, Sat 1 Sep 2007, 11:55, Reply)

bad tattoo
FIRST POST EVER
In a homeless hostel in the mid eighties bored and skint this guy asked us to tattoo spurs or man u or something on his back .
we duly obliged by tattooing CUNT in bad scrawley blood stained dirty pin stabbed letters .
Well glad i got that off my shoulders
(unlike that poor sod) :0
( hyperspacial puggling, Sat 1 Sep 2007, 10:50, Reply)

My deepest shame...
I think Apeloverage is funny.
( Gerbilinafishtank Gerbil in a fish tank...TURTLE POWER!, Sat 1 Sep 2007, 10:36, Reply)

Nothing wrong with that...
EchoMikeRomeo - can I have your number?
(stalinism, Sat 1 Sep 2007, 10:11, Reply)