I can cum over my own head
as my mum found out when she brought me a cup of tea while I was in bed. I finished shooting yoghurt, shouted at her to fuck off, punched her throat out, downed the cuppa, commando rolled through the bedroom window, landed on next door's cat (which I then rugby kicked into a wheelie bin), got in my Honda Concorde, chuffed a massive line of chong, and burnt serious rubber to get the hell out of there.
(SlantedScience, Sat 19 Apr 2014, 6:08, 5 replies)

My crippling autism prevents me from treating women as real people, instead I have to assign 'values' to them.
Although let's face it, relationships are actually just complex algorithms and those who 'succeed' in life do so by trading up to a partner with better stats of intelligence, stamina and magic each time. And before you start shouting 'virgin' I've had sex with lots of real life women ACTUALLY.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Wed 23 Apr 2014, 11:25, 10 replies)

i have an almost photographic memory
and can memorise reams of things very quickly. it comes in very useful for lazy cunts like me when it's exam time.

unfortunately, it's also highly selective. whilst i can quote pages of useless things that i read years ago, can i remember the useful piece of law that i read yesterday? can i feck.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 22 Apr 2014, 12:05, 33 replies)

I'm actually very good at fighting.
I have never lost a 'bout'. My success is down to carefully picking my opponent from the following 2 groups

1) ages 0-7
2) age 75+

Some of them have died!
(Andrew Avetoom, Mon 21 Apr 2014, 15:59, 6 replies)

From age 12 onwards I had boxing lessons but didn't progress very far because my hands were too small.
Also I went off target when trying to throw a combination of punches.
Long story short, fist in my own mouth.
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Sat 19 Apr 2014, 14:28, 1 reply)

I can accurately fart to the 'We Buy Any Car Dot Com' advert.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 18 Apr 2014, 20:49, Reply)

I've found out that I can upset crybaby autisms on the internet just by being LOVELY.
:D
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Fri 18 Apr 2014, 15:36, 2 replies)

You lot don't know it
but I am a poet

Yes really!

As well as being a geneticist, astro-engineer, cyberneticist, neurostructuralist and moral theologian, I am a poet, published on countless worlds througout Time and Space. Under another name, of course.

Here is one of my latest works!

Enjoy, friends!

Scream For Your Sausage

Scream for your sausage!
Cry for your pie!
Fight for your Scotch egg!
Be quite prepared to die.

Stock up your larder
With wares of all kinds,
Save your left-overs -
Your crusts and your rinds,

For Ivor is coming,
That fat Northern beast -
Ivor is coming!
And he wants a Feast.

He wants twenty chickens
Roasted on racks,
With sizzling bacon
Hot on their backs.

He wants a fresh piglet
Gutted and jointed,
With exotic oils
Its pert rump anointed.

He wants a whole herd
- This beggars belief –
Of heifers called Kevin
Turned into beef!

He wants a Scotch egg
The size of the moon!
He wants twenty of them -
And NOW, not ‘soon’!

He wants your bathtubs
Brimming with beer
(There won’t be room
For baby, I fear).

He wants all the cheeses
Ever devised
Gathered before his
Bulging blue eyes.

He wants tubs of lard
Paraded at dawn
By fit Northern lasses
With buttocks of brawn.

He wants... too much,
I hear you all cry -
Tough luck, you bastards,
He’s that kind of guy.

So scream for your sausage -
It won’t do no good,
Because hungry Ivor
Wants ALL YOUR FOOD.
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Thu 24 Apr 2014, 0:07, 4 replies)

I was a 21 year old virgin, the guy without a date at a mostly girl sixth form college, that kindof loser.
Until I had an epiphany and got hold of a subscription to 'Six Pack Shortcuts'by Mike Chang. Never looked back, its worked on every girl ive gone after, serious. Total fanny rat.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Wed 23 Apr 2014, 9:28, 6 replies)

I have plenty of hidden talents,
where "talents" = "small coinage and random pieces of paper"
and "hidden" = "trapped down the back of the couch".

In fact there is no substantive point to this post other than to say that I have just bought one of those fecking laser temperature guns everyone was harping on about last week, and because I am innately addicted to gadgets, I had to have one. So I hope you're happy.
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Tue 22 Apr 2014, 22:43, 9 replies)

No matter how drunk i get in the pub,
I always manage to find my way home,
even if sometimes I manage to lose my shoes!
(Mr Angry Is a totally miserable twat., Tue 22 Apr 2014, 19:59, 9 replies)

Hidden talent catches the bird!
Hey Folks!

Did I ever tell you about my first date with the soon to be Mrs Fairholme?

No?

Ok, I'll tell you now!

As many of you may have followed my old (and quite frankly embarrassing) accounts (s0ckpuppet, misery and the like), you'll likely remember that I spent a large part of time in WA's Chinatown where I worked in a large Asian catering company.

By default, I ate every meal there and became exceptionally proficient with the use of chopsticks. So much so, that I used them expertly to impress and woo my wife-to-be.

Can you see where this is going b3tans?

No?

Ok, I'll enlighten you!

Our first date was a local Chinese eatery, I knew it to be a good 'um as the bosses of the catering company ate there. After we'd sat down and ordered, I began to showcase my hidden talents!

Whilst Mrs F watched in sheer amazement, I slowly withdrew a cigarette from my pack on the table, popped it in my mouth, lit it, took a few puffs and then crushed it into the ashtray.

AND I DID IT ALL USING CHOPSTICKS!

Can you believe that?

No?

Well guys and girls, it's true. 100% rock-solid truth, baby! And what happened next? Well readers, I married her!

Rob x
(Queen of the Harpies, a dedicated Marshmallow puppet, Tue 22 Apr 2014, 15:19, 16 replies)

I speak fluent French, but I don't like to show it off
Pardon monsewer, oohey iz la chuggachuggatrain? Say la un rapido que chuggachugga to la lyon. Je ne desiree to payer sette prostitutee
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Tue 22 Apr 2014, 12:41, 1 reply)

My hard drive is full of photographic mammaries.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 22 Apr 2014, 12:18, 1 reply)

I'm spectacularly gifted at loafing
I can waste months achieving nothing at all. Afterwards I will have no idea whatsoever how I've achieved this.
(teasus likes tea, Mon 21 Apr 2014, 16:22, Reply)

I'm multitalentless.

( Zuowan, Sun 20 Apr 2014, 10:03, 1 reply)

i can fit my whole fist in my mouth
i can do the splits
i can bend my thumb back so that it touches my wrist.
i also have the ability to terrify children with my freakish feet.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 18 Apr 2014, 14:47, 23 replies)

I tape the pork and beans up my butt crack and then squeeze into a high legged one piece swimsuit.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 18 Apr 2014, 13:07, 16 replies)

I was never talented enough to post the first story on QOTW :(

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 18 Apr 2014, 12:48, Reply)