I can't find my talent
it's hiding on me.
(ParaSitius is an Optimistic Pessimist, Wed 23 Apr 2014, 12:41, 1 reply)

My crippling autism prevents me from treating women as real people, instead I have to assign 'values' to them.
Although let's face it, relationships are actually just complex algorithms and those who 'succeed' in life do so by trading up to a partner with better stats of intelligence, stamina and magic each time. And before you start shouting 'virgin' I've had sex with lots of real life women ACTUALLY.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Wed 23 Apr 2014, 11:25, 10 replies)

I was a 21 year old virgin, the guy without a date at a mostly girl sixth form college, that kindof loser.
Until I had an epiphany and got hold of a copy of 'Birds of a Feather' on VHS.
That Dorian is such a whore!
And one of them is fat! Ha ha ha ha.
(Andrew Avetoom, Wed 23 Apr 2014, 10:47, 14 replies)

I was a 21 year old virgin, the guy without a date at a mostly girl sixth form college, that kindof loser.
Until I had an epiphany and got hold of a subscription to 'Six Pack Shortcuts'by Mike Chang. Never looked back, its worked on every girl ive gone after, serious. Total fanny rat.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Wed 23 Apr 2014, 9:28, 6 replies)

I'm good at saying "Upset on the internet".
It seems to mean something.
(McChinaman banned, Wed 23 Apr 2014, 4:26, 12 replies)

I can do a magic trick involving beer mats.
Over the years, I've amazed literally tens of people.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Wed 23 Apr 2014, 2:05, Reply)

I can sew
the ends of my fingers together, and then pretend they are kind of webbed and do crap impressions of 'The Man from Atlantis'
( Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver I have very beautiful lips, Tue 22 Apr 2014, 23:32, 2 replies)

I have plenty of hidden talents,
where "talents" = "small coinage and random pieces of paper"
and "hidden" = "trapped down the back of the couch".

In fact there is no substantive point to this post other than to say that I have just bought one of those fecking laser temperature guns everyone was harping on about last week, and because I am innately addicted to gadgets, I had to have one. So I hope you're happy.
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Tue 22 Apr 2014, 22:43, 9 replies)

No matter how drunk i get in the pub,
I always manage to find my way home,
even if sometimes I manage to lose my shoes!
(Mr Angry Is a totally miserable twat., Tue 22 Apr 2014, 19:59, 9 replies)

I have a gift for killing subthreads with dreadful puns

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Tue 22 Apr 2014, 17:55, Reply)

Hidden talent catches the bird!
Hey Folks!

Did I ever tell you about my first date with the soon to be Mrs Fairholme?

No?

Ok, I'll tell you now!

As many of you may have followed my old (and quite frankly embarrassing) accounts (s0ckpuppet, misery and the like), you'll likely remember that I spent a large part of time in WA's Chinatown where I worked in a large Asian catering company.

By default, I ate every meal there and became exceptionally proficient with the use of chopsticks. So much so, that I used them expertly to impress and woo my wife-to-be.

Can you see where this is going b3tans?

No?

Ok, I'll enlighten you!

Our first date was a local Chinese eatery, I knew it to be a good 'um as the bosses of the catering company ate there. After we'd sat down and ordered, I began to showcase my hidden talents!

Whilst Mrs F watched in sheer amazement, I slowly withdrew a cigarette from my pack on the table, popped it in my mouth, lit it, took a few puffs and then crushed it into the ashtray.

AND I DID IT ALL USING CHOPSTICKS!

Can you believe that?

No?

Well guys and girls, it's true. 100% rock-solid truth, baby! And what happened next? Well readers, I married her!

Rob x
(Queen of the Harpies, a dedicated Marshmallow puppet, Tue 22 Apr 2014, 15:19, 16 replies)

When I was a kid I told my mother that someone at school had called me an asshole.
She said, 'Well, if you can't be an asshole, then what can you be?'
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Tue 22 Apr 2014, 14:53, 2 replies)

FIRST!

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Tue 22 Apr 2014, 14:43, Reply)

I have secret tips for losing stomach fat and getting rid of wrinkles.

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Tue 22 Apr 2014, 14:09, 8 replies)

I can irritate pretty well anyone at all.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 22 Apr 2014, 12:49, 4 replies)

I speak fluent French, but I don't like to show it off
Pardon monsewer, oohey iz la chuggachuggatrain? Say la un rapido que chuggachugga to la lyon. Je ne desiree to payer sette prostitutee
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Tue 22 Apr 2014, 12:41, 1 reply)

My hard drive is full of photographic mammaries.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 22 Apr 2014, 12:18, 1 reply)

i have an almost photographic memory
and can memorise reams of things very quickly. it comes in very useful for lazy cunts like me when it's exam time.

unfortunately, it's also highly selective. whilst i can quote pages of useless things that i read years ago, can i remember the useful piece of law that i read yesterday? can i feck.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 22 Apr 2014, 12:05, 33 replies)

I can see 3d stereograms correctly
as repeating random dots. I pity the poor cunts whose broken eyes can't focus properly and see a fucking ship or summat.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 22 Apr 2014, 11:34, 1 reply)

I'm dead good at skimming stones
Like really good.
(cymrococh, Tue 22 Apr 2014, 10:34, 7 replies)

I have an inborn talent for killing
conversations. No idea how I do it but I can stop one dead with a single, innocuous sentence. No, the innocuous sentence is not about raping babies that are on fire while rocking out to Lostprophets. In my head, the sentence is a logical continuation of the conversation but I somehow either finish whatever train of logic was in progress or fail to leave something for everyone else to respond to.

tl;dr I'm shit at talking.
(squigbobble existed, Tue 22 Apr 2014, 10:13, 20 replies)

I liked the chap who causes threads to vanish when he talks about how playing computer games makes him an architect.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Tue 22 Apr 2014, 9:18, 12 replies)

I'm pretty good with puzzling out maps, new locations, and the like
I hardly ever need to ask directions. All was well until I visited Australia. Apparently I rely a lot on the location of the sun, but the sun is in the northern sky there. "Why do we keep driving south?" I asked my host. "We are driving west," he replied. I nearly got stranded overnight in the boonies because the eucalyptus looked the same in all directions.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Mon 21 Apr 2014, 16:55, 11 replies)

I'm spectacularly gifted at loafing
I can waste months achieving nothing at all. Afterwards I will have no idea whatsoever how I've achieved this.
(teasus likes tea, Mon 21 Apr 2014, 16:22, Reply)

I'm actually very good at fighting.
I have never lost a 'bout'. My success is down to carefully picking my opponent from the following 2 groups

1) ages 0-7
2) age 75+

Some of them have died!
(Andrew Avetoom, Mon 21 Apr 2014, 15:59, 6 replies)

i can sing a rainbow

( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Mon 21 Apr 2014, 13:48, 8 replies)

I have never once been seen whilst about someone's bins.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Mon 21 Apr 2014, 10:54, Reply)