Shinysun
Your definition of Offside wasn't correct.

And in case you're wondering, I'm a bloke.
(Woppa, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 18:12, Reply)

Someone down there...
"The exception that proves the rule" makes perfect sense, as long as you're using "proof" properly. A proof is something that tests a theory to find out if it is true, therefore an exception that proves a rule is one that tests it and shows it wrong in that case. If you say it, you're basically saying that the theory in question does not fit all cases.

The problem is, people sem to think that it means you can have an exception to a rule which somehow supports it and makes it right...
(goat thinks you're shit, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 17:57, Reply)

"The universe is everything...
and at the end of the universe, there is nothing..."
There must be something there! Even if it's some kind of wierd gas, there can't be nothing. Something must fill the nothingness gap. What would happen if you reached the edge? Would you float of and become nothing? What is beyond the nothing? Another universe? More nothingness? Another kind of nothing? Arrrrrggggggg!!!
(I Want Billy, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 17:51, Reply)

There's an episode of Friends...
where Ross has some kind of growth on his back. He goes to a guy who introduces himself as 'Guru Sage'. Guru Sage inspects the thing on his back and says, 'Yes, it's as I expected. It's a coondis.'
Ross then says 'What's a coondis?'
And the guy replies 'I don't know... WHAT'S A COONDIS WITH YOU?'

Will somebody please explain this to me? I'm pretty sure this will make me look stupid.
(your dad's pimp fuck you, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 17:48, Reply)

Skarlett_nailz,
Sorry to be a pedant, but they call it gas short for gasoline. Not because they think it is actually a gas :)

oh, and an edit: I've seen the nun/bath/soap joke mentionned several times now, and I don't get it. No-one else I've asked about it gets it. What is the point?!
(sky blue sam, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 17:45, Reply)

Microsoft Word development team
The last truly innovative and useful addition to MS Word was the red squiggly line under speeling mistokes, which appeared circa 1995. For the last ten years, they have developed about six new versions of the ubiquitous word processor - none with any discernable improvements.

I might be thick, but I just don't get it...
( Linbox has a serious dunk habit, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 17:42, Reply)

Talking of obscure Far Side Cartoons,
can someone please explain the one with the punchline "puddin tame".

I'm 99% this is gonna make me look like a fucking idiot.
(felixthehat oh this is new, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 17:28, Reply)

Car doors
Why do people who don't drive, slam car doors?...ahhh the mysteries of the universe
(Ghost Batty Rider, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 17:27, Reply)

This Life
For many years now, I have been using the Fred Basset as the minimal unit of humour in comic strips. Then the Metro started printing "This Life". I'm not sure that you could find even one amateur webcomic drawn by a spastic 7-year-old that is as shit as This Life.

This isn't like the discovery of subatomic particles, it's as though someone has discovered negative Kelvin.
(Rastus P Watermelon, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 17:14, Reply)

genetics, maths & that whole DNA thing
I've been a molecular biologist for years & I still haven't been fired
( Hidden Mouse, Sleeping Kitten Gromada? Gromada!, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 17:13, Reply)

Old people
I work in retail, here's some examples

"That's £20 please madam" reply "I'm going home in a minute" ?!

"What size are you looking for?" reply "blue or brown"

"Check the amount and sign please" reply "I've just bought some liver for my tea"

"Do you need any help at all?" Reply "I'm 83 you know"

Am I missing the point??

and why do they insist on shopping between 12 noon and 2pm? Do they realise that ppl are on their lunch breaks? I get 1 hour, I do not want to spend 30 mins of it queuing behind old duffers who haven't grasped decimalisation, never mind chip and pin...have you noticed how they insist on shouting out their mumber as they punch it in???

I just don't GET them at all
(bossycow, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 17:13, Reply)

in addition to spanish...
1) Daytime television

2) Why nowaday's older generation blame students for the rise of chavs. It's your generation who raised them, you cumguzzlers.

3) Why are smileys, the simpsons and lego people yellow?

4) Dale Winton

5) People who expect you to change your opinion after you've heard theirs.

NOTE
apparently mr. sheen "shines upteen things clean"
(The Disillusioned Starburst, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 17:11, Reply)

Humpty and American Football
What I don't get is why people who clearly don't know the first thing about Anerican Football bang on and on and on about how it's a game played by big jessies who need to wear body armour etc.
1) Learn the rules. If you still don't like it, fair play to you.
2) When I used to play at an amateur level in the UK, we got the same remarks from the local amateur rugby players. So we invited them to give out game a try. Without fail, every one of them took the game up.
3) Reason they have many substitutions - each position is VERY specialised. (And not only that, but in rugby, you can only (legally) hit the bloke with the ball. In AmFoot, ebery player gets hit on every play. Very hard. At full tilt. Trust me on this.

That said, I don't deride people for not liking it. I just don't get people who dislike anything when they don't actually get it.
(AlohasRyk, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 17:04, Reply)

joe stoner
capacity management and airline operations and pricing. Overbooking, discount systems, perishability of products in the tourism industry, these things I can tell you about. Pearost, still an f-ing mystery to me!




Shoot me


Now
(mckitkat, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 17:02, Reply)

that's the exception that proves the rule
wtf?!
(me'n'my monkey, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 16:56, Reply)

i don't understand why
I keep getting pop-ups/ spam for viagra, high quality porn and then dating services that start "Find your ideal man". Do they know something I don't?

Like that I am really an impotent, dateless, latent homosexual?

Or why the people who make them actually think people give a shit about the services that they offer

Or why it's taken me so long to compose a message for this QOTW
(monkeyseemonkeydo, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 16:54, Reply)

middle aged people...
...who are always saying "kids these days..." like in the old days teenagers were nice people. Like when they were teenagers THEY were nice people. Teenagers have ALWAYS been self centered,arsey and irresponsible. My parents are always saying "why do you want to put holes in your body? If god meant them to be there,he would have put them there" So you don't like my pierced tongue,what about your pierced ears? When today's parents were teenagers they were all off their faces on LSD/weed/heroine. Their favourite musicians (The beatles,The Doors, Bob Dylan) were all the "junkie scum" they're so contemptuous of now.Hardly any better than us.

People who can't use predictive text. It's so stupid simple FIVE YEAR OLDS CAN DO IT- Why can't most thirty year olds I know?

that two hair colour blonde-on-top-black/blue/purple/red-underneath thing. It looks awful. Like you forgot to do your roots,or couldn't see the back of your head when you were dying it.

American words- twinkie,shizzle, the whole cracker/cookie/biscuit thing, Gas/petrol-it's not a GAS it's a LIQUID, panties/pants/trousers.GAH!

dissing other peoples taste in music. Nobody is asking YOU to like it.Just shut your trap.

No alarms,no suprises,and no apologies either
(Skarlett_nailz, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 16:49, Reply)

why it's snowing
in April, in Asia.
(you're all a bunch of twats anyway, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 16:42, Reply)

meh
meh. that really confuses me, especially as it seems to pop in in any context. here's what urban dictionary have as one of the definitions of the word:

3. Meh
Meh is used to describe any and every word possible, including:
Yes
No
maybe
kind of
never
always
ok
alright
no thankyou
yes please
look bitch i really dont care so just shut the fuck up
if you want
whatever
If you wnat
i dont want to really
well
shut up
i dont really care
no honestly, i dont care...

...and is never explained on which is actually used...
"you wanna come round mine?"
"meh"
"whats that mean"
(told all of the definitions above)
"so which one? yes or no?"
"meh"
"that a yes?"
"meh"
"a no??"
"meh"
"a maybe???"
"meh?"
"maybe???"
"meh"
"look please tell me"
"meh"......

Also i don't understand why people are so hung up about grammar.
And I want to know why u don't hear the word poontang much these days.
(b3rnie c, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 16:42, Reply)

Go Figure!
;)
( Redsushi! Whoop! Whoop! Yes, that one!, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 16:37, Reply)

Why Americans
Abbreviate mathematics to “math”.
(Farthing, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 16:36, Reply)

sp
People who add "(sp?)" after words they know they can't spell when posting on a forum.

There is nothing wrong with the odd typo or spelling mistake, but these people are announcing to the world "Even though I am aware of a shortfall in my knowledge of orthography, I am too lazy and/or retarded to do anything about it".

Google, other online tools, and a host of desktop applications are capable of making suggestions for a misspelt word. [CTRL-C CTRL-V ALT-TAB Enter] is 4 keystrokes, (sp?) is 5. wnakers(sp?)!
(Rastus P Watermelon, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 16:35, Reply)

Why after getting out of the bath/shower
you need to use a moisteriser.

Isn't being soaking wet moist enough ?
(you're all a bunch of twats anyway, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 16:28, Reply)

what i dont get
why flammable and inflammable mean the smeggin same thing

bill bailey raises a few about religion

why my msn says i'm "not connected to the internet" yet i'm writing this post

why i have debates for 45 mins about whether guiness is black or a dark maroon colour, even AFTER i show them it is a very dark red colour

sex

why men seem to win most arguments with women yet they dont seem to admit it (if my gf was right, a kettle would be a water filter)

why are chavs still alive??

what is that little dangly bit at the back of the throat does?? apart from just dangles all day

why the NEC 313 was so damn cheap

and why my smegging computer is so poo
(Jinxy - Spontaneous Randomity awaits those who question my pic-a-nic basket, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 16:28, Reply)

stomach rumbles
I have asked scientists, teachers, friends and stranger this - what actaully makes the noise? I have been offered many suggestions, and nodded politely at each.

I don't believe any of them.

Also, flavoured condoms. Strawberry, then latex, then vomiting. Why?

In addition, skiing. Sow blindness then death. Take me surfing any day. I's rather take me chances with sharks.
(niceandwarmandhot vive la résistance, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 16:23, Reply)

RSS
Why I can't find an RSS feed for the b3ta question of the week.

(And it's not here... www.b3ta.com/xml/ )
(HoBag (TM) <-- Fookin' legend, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 16:19, Reply)

Airline pricing
I can't figure out why some flights cost more than others. For example - I usually fly out of NYC. If I want to go to Ohio (600 miles, or 1000km), it will cost me about $300. However, I can fly to London for around $250 - sometimes. Other times it's $800.

And those are for the make-your-plans-a-month-in-advance tickets. My friend flew from Albany (200km north of NYC) to Washington DC, the big important capital city, for about $120, and his tickets were purchased at the last minute, and open-ended so he could fly back any time. Seems those tickets should have cost much more.
(joe stoner dot com, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 16:07, Reply)

The "How Long is a Chinaman" gag
Took me ages to get that one. Now I like to tease others with it.
(jennymnemonic, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 16:07, Reply)

Modern Art’s a good one.
It supposed to be all about the concept and thought that went into the idea, and the physical execution is a very small part. But how come these guys always “conceive” something that’s piss-easy to put together? No headline-famous modern artist ever seems to conceptualise a statement which can only be rendered in the medium of a labour-intensive and technically difficult oil-painting. “No, what I want to say can be perfectly summated by signing a urinal.” Genius.
(Scoobs, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 16:07, Reply)

meh
"1) The universe is infinite. If it's infinite, it must contain infinite possibilities (planets made of glue populated by intelligent blancmanges that speak Dutch etc).

2) This means that at one point, the universe cannot exist - because that is one of the infinite possibilities. But if there is a point where the universe doesn't exist, the universe isn't infinite."


There is a difference between an infinite number of posibilities and 'everything exists.'
An infinite universe does not have to contain every possibility.
eg 1,2,3,4,6,7,8 ad infinitum. Even if the 5 isn't in there, even if you skip the next 1000 numbers, there are still an infinite amount of them.

I'm such a twat.
(Daveh, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 16:03, Reply)