cornershops
the bastards who overprice bottles of lucozade to like £1 even though they say 75p written on the bottle
( killersquid is working for the weekend, Sun 22 Feb 2009, 19:59, 8 replies)

dog owners...
...who have the 'decency' to pick up the mess left by their dog and put it in a plastic bag, only to then THROW THE FUCKING BAG IN A HEDGE!

just how is that making it better? stupid cunts.
(Lionel Tiger, Sun 22 Feb 2009, 18:34, 2 replies)

Infact, my last post got me thinking
Indie twats on a hole. Calling me 'mainstream' because I wear a plain hoodie, jeans that actually fit me and quite often Karimoor walking shoe things, yet they listen to music that is almost always in the top 40, wear the same shirt/shoes/jacket as everyone else and all style their hair identically.
/rant
(violent pacifist ;now with 20% more paradox...., Sun 22 Feb 2009, 18:15, 5 replies)

1 3 3 7 |-| `/ |> 0 ( 12 1 7 3 5
why is it that I can know most important stats for the majority of phones and mp3 players on the market and can write some stuff in html and java, and am therefore an outcast of society, and yet when some chav can say how many penalties ronneyaldo scored last season and speak txt spk IRL, its considered cool?

And you indie hipsters are no better, knowing the names of every member of every 'in' band and the model of their instruments, and your considered fucking gods. What the hell is the difference.


wankers ¬¬
(violent pacifist ;now with 20% more paradox...., Sun 22 Feb 2009, 18:11, 9 replies)

Smoking and farting
In the early 80`s tech rooms were two sorts, something very dust and particle sensitive was in its own filtered room , because it was usually expensive. Manned areas had non dust sensitive stuff, so smoking was still allowed. Most didn`t light up in a small room full of fans in the electronics `cos it quickly turned into into a smokechamber unless it was just the odd drag because you couldn`t leave something unattended.

One person was different and would chainsmoke ( because he didn`t actually do any work unless forced) and it was out of order, but he objected voiciferously if anyone sifted a smelly one.

The cunning plan involved a couple of us when we knew we would be in there, night before egg curry, beans masala , channa dhal(beans), mehti gosht ( also known as a mighty gust), saag (spinach) Guinness and Draught Bass. ( not recommended, there is no quck quench to stop what happens next when you have had enough)


This was heady stuff, I Belsened the shower that morning, and was doing intermittent hovercraft impressions, then let loose the drafts of war on him " oh that`s disgusting, my cigarette tastes awful!".

Joined by my colleague at late shift start, we stank the place out.
He went and complained to our manager about the farting and got met with "But you smoke, so how can you complain?"

It worked, but he just used to leave things unwatched for 10 minutes to have a fag break outside, and we had to do his work, small price to pay though.

(Not sure if this is a partial pearoast, if so apollo`s and for the tiddly edits that should have been pre posting. The menu is not overdone, we had more than that. )
(tootired Is searching for a funny sig, nothing good so far, Sun 22 Feb 2009, 16:59, 3 replies)

Credit crunch
I moan all the time about the economy
However, I never do anything about it
Signed,
Gordon Brown
(bindun?)
(Affero-Dolor made noodles using a cuppa soup on, Sun 22 Feb 2009, 16:15, Reply)

my sister once said
"oh yeah...I'm really sarcastic."
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 22 Feb 2009, 16:09, 3 replies)

Tramp Encounter

Was out on Oxford Road in Manchester.

A tramp asks if I've got a spare cigarette. Techinically, no - none of my fags are spare. But I offer him one anyway.

He looks at the packet in disgust.

"Lambert and Butler!" He exclaims. "I don't smoke the cheap shit, mate."

And he ambles off to look in the bins.
( SpankyHanky, Sun 22 Feb 2009, 15:59, 9 replies)

The wrong type of shit

Was walking through the park the other day when I overheard someone shouting.

"You need to clean up after that animal!" said the rather posh voice. "If you can't keep a dog and clean up after it you shouldn't have one. Don't you have any consideration for anyone else in this park?"

Too right, not nice slipping in dog shit. I turned my head to see who had spoken these caustic words to the dog owner.

And I saw some fucker on a horse berating a meek old man with a Yorkshire terrier. Even the terrier looked scared. It was stood next to the incriminating evidence - a small dog turd the size of a garden slug.

The old man was cowering under the snorting nostrils of this beast (and the horse).

I studied the scene a little closer. All the way down the path, following the horse and the fuckwit sat on it, was a trail of stinky horse poo. Great big steamy piles of acrid shit with straw sticking out of it.

"You gonna clean that up, pal?" I asked Mr Horsey as I walked past, indicating the trail of horse shit.

He looked at me like I was insane.
( SpankyHanky, Sun 22 Feb 2009, 15:18, 6 replies)

Nanny state
How about people that bemoan the nanny state taking over, yet try to sue the pants off someone when they are unable to take responsibility of their own actions or otherwise scream/shout/throw toys on the floor, therefore demanding the need for a nanny state? Now that's caused a few arguments in the pub before...
:)
( Jimbuktu See? Right here, Sun 22 Feb 2009, 15:08, 5 replies)

Hypocritical housemates
First off, apologies for lack of funnehs below. This is rather cathartic, albeit petty at times.

I live with 5 girls. Being the only male permanently in the house means if something goes wrong mechanically, I get to be manly and fix it. However, this does have some major drawbacks in that if any of my housemates end up in a shit relationship and end up getting hurt, it is automatically my fault for being male and therefore a bastard. Also if they are annoyed, it automatically gets taken out on me because I'm not likely to bitch behind their back (only true 70% of the time) and because I quite frankly don't give a damn if they do yell at me or not. But this is not my story, this is just background info.

One of my housemates, who I shall call S, for that is her initial, is the biggest hypocrite in the house. (For the record, I'm in third place and rising.) I'm just going to list a few things she's done here.

1) S likes to cook. Nothing wrong with that, except she uses up almost every single pot and pan in the kitchen, and then doesn't do her washing up. We have three signs up around the kitchen saying for people to do their washing up. It usually gets to the stage where if anyone else wants to eat, they have to do S's washing up. The hypocritical part? If someone else cooks before her and leaves the washing up for all of half an hour, she complains bitterly and loudly to everyone in earshot about how "the fucking pans haven't been cleaned and how am I supposed to cook?" (The half an hour bit is true, we've actually timed it)

2) Stealing from other housemates. She steals food from people, and then denies it, despite having the evidence waved at her. She steals anything not nailed down, including showergel off me if I leave it around the bathroom. I used to wear glasses, so was temporarily blind whilst I showered so I couldn't really measure how much showergel was left in the bottle, but I recently got contact lenses and have now been able to see whilst showering. If I leave stuff in the bathroom, she uses it. The kicker here? Her parents treat her like a princess and buy her everything she needs, so she doesn't need to steal. She just does and then denies she's been stealing.

3) Sex. She has it loudly and often at the weekends. Loud enough that everyone upstairs and downstairs can hear, and given that we're living in a converted hotel which was split into two houses (the bottom half is one house and the top half is another house. We've got the top half), thats quite impressive. Yet if anyone else has sex, she complains that they're being too loud.

Those are all the major complaints I can think of. Apologies again for lack of funnehs, but as previously mentioned, this was cathartic.
(Ghost Atreides enjoying incontestable health benefits on, Sun 22 Feb 2009, 15:04, 11 replies)

Running for a train
Returning from Denmark Street after buying yet ANOTHER guitar, I found I was (as usual) late for the train home.

As I was sprinting through the station, I got caught behind these two teenage girls.

One said to the other "Well, you know he's the worlds biggest exaggerator"

Stopped me in my tracks for a while while I pissed myself laughing!
(dchurch bah, Sun 22 Feb 2009, 14:56, Reply)

Gordon Brown and his crones!
Despite eroding all sense of liberties and freedoms in this country, such as the freedom of movement, the freedom of photography to name a couple, Brown and his crones have the bare-faced cheek to visit the Cenotaph every year to 'pay tribute' to those very people who were killed in their defence of our liberties.

Hypocrites? I should coco!
(dchurch bah, Sun 22 Feb 2009, 14:54, 2 replies)

Sorry but..
Shit like this, it's as funny as it is annoying..
www.facebook.com/home.php?#/group.php?gid=64702844814&ref=mf
To paraphrase - St Georges day isn't rascist, and if the foreigners don't like it they can feck off or I'll hit them.
err....
( Jimbuktu See? Right here, Sun 22 Feb 2009, 14:47, 19 replies)

Meh II
A guy I used to live with in Sheffield was massively against porn, mostly because he was a very religious Catholic.

Then one night we went out, and I ended up getting very drunk. He helps me back home as he is sober, and I pass out on my bed. Shortly later I wake up to discover him looking at dirtyrottenslappers.com (or some such site) on my laptop.

O-kaaay...
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Sun 22 Feb 2009, 14:37, 2 replies)

Meh
My housemate: 3 girlfriends, one of whom he's engaged to.

Me: Recently finally single, had three dates with three different girls in the last two weeks.

Apparently I'm the one who is unfairly leading women on.
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Sun 22 Feb 2009, 14:31, Reply)

Homosexuals who want kids
Haven't they worked out that reproduction is a function of sexuality?
( flake has nothing against your right leg, Sun 22 Feb 2009, 14:11, 16 replies)

I actually did a double take...
I saw a bloke once in Hull city centre (outside the central library for those in the know) wearing a FULL, shorts SOCKS and all replica Leeds United kit. This must have been about 15 years ago. I was stood next to him waiting to cross the road when he saw a punk waiting at the opposite side, he turned to his little kids and said "Look at that, doesn't he look daft!".

For fucks sake, you're a grown man dressed in a full football kit walking around town!! Not even the town of the team you're wearing. Looking like a complete twat and risking getting stabbed if you stay about after dark. You are in no position to say that anyone else looks "daft" you mong.



To top it all he looked like one of the Chuckle Brothers.
(Mr.Dog was in love again on, Sun 22 Feb 2009, 14:07, 6 replies)

oh and while i'm having a bitch
you daily mail readers,who read the shocking headlines every morning and tut over the shocking abuses of power,human life and freedom,while your cornflakes go soggy and deep inside your most potent fetishes and perversions are tickled, who go red in the face because the 'foreigners' don't speak the language and then say things like 'sumfink',you are the worst caste of humanity,and if i believed in hell it'd give me wriggling pleasure to imagine your dim,hypocritical backsides being speared with flaming pitchforks for all eternity.
(Fuckpig "That's not even a pound a midget.", Sun 22 Feb 2009, 13:33, 7 replies)

inept internet hasbeens who bitch and kvetch
about things they only barely understand,for the mawkish mookish fawning of their peers,who insult and degrade entire peoples,races,careers and personal philosophies because of something they heard in the pub,read on an internet newspage or,god help you,in the Daily Mail.
That's not hypocrisy?You're right.It's just stupidity.The real hypocrisy will be when you bitch and kvetch because i bitched about you.
And the other hypocrisy is that I do this too.
Don't rock the boat,rock the boat baby! #
(Fuckpig "That's not even a pound a midget.", Sun 22 Feb 2009, 13:22, Reply)

Weight Watchers
People who want to lose weight would pay for sessions with weight loss counselors who would discuss proper eating habits. Then, I'm told, after the place closed, these experts would head over to the restaurant next door and pig out!
(Blob, Sun 22 Feb 2009, 12:24, 2 replies)

Kurt Cobain
"And I swear that I don't have a gun
No I don't have a gun"

Lying cunt.
(kitescreech still here, Sun 22 Feb 2009, 11:37, 7 replies)

Alex Salmond
Wants independence for Scotland, but I didn't hear any objections to plenty of non-Scottish cash going to save The Royal Bank of Scotland and The Bank of Scotland.

Poisonous little cretin, he's a dictator in the making, and the sooner our friends and families in the north wake up and realise this, the better for our united nation. I can honestly see him, sat on a gold toilet in a marble palace, issuing orders to round up and deport anyone without 5 generations of pure bred Scottish blood.

Fine Al, go for independence but the whole nation will suffer as a result, if you can live with that, be my guest, go down in history as the Highland Hitler.
(randomstupidname would really like this signature field to be bigge, Sun 22 Feb 2009, 11:11, 9 replies)

In response to the Trainspotting thread
Why if I went to see a Star Wars film dressed up as a character, am I sad (not that I do).

Yet going to watch a football match wearing the strip is OK.
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Sun 22 Feb 2009, 11:06, 2 replies)

Trainspotting vs car-loving
I think it's generally agreed that trainspotting is up there with bellringing and D&D in the pantheon of tragic hobbies. But, why is it so much more socially acceptable to obsess over cars? I know laddish, red-blooded males who could tell you the Aggregated Spunk Output of a Bugatti Veyron; or that a Ford Mustang has Dual Hyerdrive Buffers. Yet take them down the local railway station and they're laughing, name calling and possibly throwing things at the anoraked ones.

I think some of these car fanboys need to have a good hard look at themselves.
(Bernard Bernoulli, Sun 22 Feb 2009, 10:58, 3 replies)

Expats
At least, the ones who move out to Spain and claim they left the UK because it was overrun with immigrants who we had to let in because of EU rules. Erm, would those be the same EU rules that allow you to buy a house on the Costa del Sol by any chance? And how much effort have you made to integrate with the locals and speak the language?
(lolwhites, Sun 22 Feb 2009, 8:42, 9 replies)

English Language Teachers
the ones who go overseas and teach Johnny Foreigner how to speak the brain's natural language. The ones who then sign up for classes learning the local language.

Surely that cheapens the very idea of making them all learn the Global language, you dim cunt.
( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Sun 22 Feb 2009, 8:32, 15 replies)

nerdiness
The post below reminded me.

Being into one kind of nerdiness doesn't make you more accepting of any other kind.

I used to play a card game called Vampire: The Eternal Struggle. It's based around clans of vampires, each with different magic powers, having wars. It works basically like the Pokemon card game, or Magic: the Gathering.

And yet when any of the guys mentioned going to the Spider-Man movie I thought "ha ha...a grown man wanting to go to a movie about superheroes!"

I've now moved on to more fitting pursuits for one of my years ie Dungeons & Dragons.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 22 Feb 2009, 5:06, 2 replies)

Racism.
I dont use racist language because racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
( P3L3 is not my real name., Sun 22 Feb 2009, 3:13, 4 replies)

my girlfriend,
who has ''quit'' smoking, as apparently 'it doesn't count if someone else buys them or i don't finish the whole pack'
(papa bouba slap your face, Sun 22 Feb 2009, 2:15, Reply)