educated idiots...
Whilst working in a uni bar, overheard 3 graduates discussing when humanity would land on the sun...
"..cos they must have invented suits that could cope with the heat by now..."
I am uneducated council scum, but was staggered by my 'superiors' and their imbelicilic waffling...
Not long after this I quit, due to an increasing desire to start hitting the moronic scumbags....
(thebadangel, Sat 8 Jan 2005, 17:54, Reply)

not actually overheard...
but the stupidiest thing ever said to me was Congratulations Mr M*******, we would like to offer you the job, and feel that you would be an asset to our company.

Suckers - ive been taking home nearly 30 k for the last 5 years for sitting on my arse, doing as little as possible and stealing anything thats not nailed down....
(Aleister Crowleys Badger Nothing to see here, Sat 8 Jan 2005, 17:52, Reply)

Fun as a teacher...
In a Year 9 (13-14 year olds) Biology class, we were discussing the heart. A student mentioned transplanted and I noted that, yes, if there is an issue, hearts can be obtained from a suitable donor. A girl at the front looked confused. I asked why.

"What's a donor, sir?"
"Someone who donates their organs so that others can live."

She pauses and then asks:

"Won't they need their heart?"
"The organs are removed after death."

I've never seen anyone go green so quickly.
( Rev. A-MOL is lurking around these parts again, Sat 8 Jan 2005, 17:42, Reply)

A couple of months
after Fatboy Slim launched his album "You've Come A Long Way Baby", my mum asked me if I'd "got the new Fat Slim Jim one, er, Didn't She Do Well?".
(Lazy Rich, Sat 8 Jan 2005, 17:38, Reply)

Making fun of a car crash
In a Physics lesson about thinking/stopping distance and all that, my friend tells me how his Uncle was hit by a bus after having an epileptic fit whilst driving.

Thinking he was joking, I said "Was the bus flashing?".

Whoops.
(Psythor, Sat 8 Jan 2005, 17:12, Reply)

Personal stupidity.
On a walk, one of my friends announced "I think I've injured my patella! Do you know what that is?"


I stupidly replied "It's a kind of chocolate/hazelnut spread".
( Noit happy baby orangutan, Sat 8 Jan 2005, 17:04, Reply)

Oops
Once, I came into school to see a friend looking very upset, molestging his girlfriend. Then came the following exchange-

"Woah, who died?"

"My grandad."

-stunned silence-

Never lived it down, and spent the next week apologising to him.
(youthink, Sat 8 Jan 2005, 16:54, Reply)

And then there was the time
Some friends and I were trying to siphon some fuel from my buddie's mom's car. It was dark, so to help us out, another of my friends pulls a lighter, lights it, and puts it by the gas tank door, saying "need a light?" It's a wonder any of us lived the night...especially him.
( mr_dog, Sat 8 Jan 2005, 16:27, Reply)

Another special one.....
On friday afternoon I asked my PA to order some new office furniture. She wanders into my office and says....."I wonder how tall these 5ft cabinets are.....?"

This from the same woman who asked her boyfriend "which flat was built first, ours or the one upstairs..?"

You gotta love her......(She has a nice arse though)..!
(higeldypigeldy, Sat 8 Jan 2005, 16:26, Reply)

I manage an IT dept....
During a panel meeting. When I told our research department that we would be fitting CD burners to all of the department machines one if them sheepishly put a hand up and asked....."does it smell when they burn the CD's ?"

Bullets would be a waste of good lead on em.....!
(higeldypigeldy, Sat 8 Jan 2005, 16:24, Reply)

I was at a party at a bar
and it was pretty loud. I wanted a drink, so I tried to get the waitresses attention by snapping my fingers. It was the first time in my apparently sheltered lifethat I learned what a faux pa really was. That waitress chewed me a new one in front of all my mates. To this day I feel like an asshole about it.
( mr_dog, Sat 8 Jan 2005, 16:22, Reply)

Ladies who lunch
Two posh old ladies in a pub/restaurant in Edinburgh ... one not sure whether or not to have something to eat .. the other says 'Well, you should have something to eat now, because if you get hungry later, you'll have already had it' ?????
(Mondaise, Sat 8 Jan 2005, 16:12, Reply)

Playing Table Football...
...and getting beat 9-0 with 1 ball to go. 1 lad says "looks like its gonna be a, whats that stuff Tom Sawyer used to paint the fence"

My reply "creosote?"

Cue a long period of hysterics. And the invention of a new term for a hands down victory..."A creosoting"
(bobnoxious, Sat 8 Jan 2005, 15:37, Reply)

Phone Magic
While dossing as a student in Manchester, lived next door to a family who invited me round to admire their new phone (??) They couldn't figure out why there was a red button on the handset which lit up every time the phone rang.

I gave them the benefit of my university-educated insight.

"It must be for deaf people!"

Cue baffled silence.
(sarcharl, Sat 8 Jan 2005, 15:17, Reply)

oh yeah... another american one
In pismo beach at about 8 years ago, the fit shop attendent in the surf shop says.


'geeee, you're english?'
yup
'I would love to come to england'
come along
'but I don't speak french'

spent a while trying to convince her that english people don't speak french. We couldn't so we called out her manager, she set the dumb broad straight.
(doktored, Sat 8 Jan 2005, 15:04, Reply)

My mum isn't stupid
but something isn't quite right with the phrase

'99 times out of ten...'


but then I think I am calling the kettle blue
(doktored, Sat 8 Jan 2005, 14:59, Reply)

stupid geeks
I was in Forbidden Planet with my boyfriend and his best mate the other day...yes I know its sad and yes I was the only woman who didn't look like I'd spent the last 2 weeks letting my hair get greasy and watching Star Trek in there. Anyway I could overhear some guy ranting to his lady-friend: "oh that's a detail error right there" pointing to a molestely underwhelming 'sculpture' of some animal/human thing (I have no idea what it was, maybe some geeks might know) as apparently the one in the store had 4 fingers and a thumb when it was only meant to have 3 fingers or something, and he then went on to explain WHY the fingers should be that way for about 10 minutes...needless to say we left rather quickly...
(biteme_52, Sat 8 Jan 2005, 14:50, Reply)

on the same bus, same women
one of them referred to the new Toys R Us store that had recently opened in the city centre as "Toys We Are".
( urbane legend i have known the inexorable sadness of pencils, Sat 8 Jan 2005, 14:24, Reply)

on a bus
two old women, one of whom was wittering to the other about how nice it was living just by the bus stop, especially when it rains, as she can look out of the window and not leave until she sees the bus coming, thereby minimising the amount of time spent outside in the rain.

Her friend commented, "Oh yes, because it's so easy to get wet nowadays!"
( urbane legend i have known the inexorable sadness of pencils, Sat 8 Jan 2005, 14:24, Reply)

Bless the U.S!
On a bus ride to San Francisco we (two Scots) were talking to two girls from New York when the conversation inevitably turned towards September the 11th. "Oh!" they exclaimed " You guys heard about that then?"

In Florida a waiter at Pizza Hut was rather excited to hear we were from Scotland, seems he had always wanted to go there and see the Red Square.

According to a Texan we met - Edinburgh is in the south of Texas must have been the southern drawl that gave it away.
(SPANG!, Sat 8 Jan 2005, 13:53, Reply)

Ah, stupidity.
Classmate: "Can one still have sex while using contraceptions?"


The best one was still this American tourist I met in Ireland on holiday.

Me: "I'm from Switzerland."
Lady: "Oh gee, you don't look like it. Can you ski?"
Me: "Err, yes..."
Lady: "Do you like chocolate and cheese?"
Me: "... it depends on what cheese, but yes."
Lady: "Yes, you're Swiss."
Me: "..."
Lady: "It must've been fun riding the plane over to Ireland!"
Me: "Eerrr. ?! Well, I guess."
Lady: "What do you speak over there? Switz?"
Me: "No, we have four official languages, German, French, Italian and Romansh.

Lady: "Ô, but you don't have electricity over there, do you?"


I could've died laughing.
(Crazycookie, Sat 8 Jan 2005, 13:33, Reply)

In Florida
3/4s through the "It's A Small World" ride.

Father: Ohhhhh. They're different countries!
(Bazilla, Sat 8 Jan 2005, 13:17, Reply)

another time with previously mentioned girl
me and a good mate of mine managed 2 convince her that zebra was spelt with a S, she proceded to write it down to check. her reply was "oh yeah, silly me"...
( betascoo8, Sat 8 Jan 2005, 12:59, Reply)

Old Collage Friend
discusing wars and america and such comes out with the line:
"why they put all the oil in iraq then, if they are just going to fight over it?"

later while sitting in car the dozey tart asks me where the button for the airbag is.....
( betascoo8, Sat 8 Jan 2005, 12:38, Reply)

Joke gone wrong
Got the following joke appalingly wrong:

Me: What does dna stand for? (meant to be national dyslexics association)
Friend: Dunno
Me: National Diabetics Organisation! No, wait... damn.
(Graz Da Frog, Sat 8 Jan 2005, 11:55, Reply)

On A Train Into London...
I overheard a conversation about how they thought the Channel Tunnel had been built. One thought the channel had been drained and the the tunnel put on the seabed, While another suggestion was they had just dropped 20+ miles of tunnel into the sea. I soon hurried back to Wales where people are sane.

Edit: Just remembered a few more things. Someone thought NASA headquarters were in space, and another person thought the e in email stood for internet. Yes, these ones are from Welsh people...
(Pigmash, Sat 8 Jan 2005, 11:52, Reply)

Years ago...
...when cars with electric windows in cars were still a bit rare, by Dad was borrowing one. He gave my gran a lift somewhere, with my gran in the back, and my gran wanted to know how to open the windows.

My dad told her they were voice activated - you say 'window up' and the window goes up, and 'window down' and the window goes down.

My gran said 'window down', and my dad pressed the drivers window switch, and her window rolled down. My gran was very impressed and spent the rest of the journey happily saying 'window up' and 'window down' while my dad pressed the switch.

Until we stopped for fuel, and my dad came out from paying to find my gran in tears.

'Whats the matter mum?'

'Oh I'm so sorry, I've broken your lovely new car....I've been saying 'window up' and it won't work anymore...'
(inflateable, Sat 8 Jan 2005, 11:48, Reply)

Might have been drunk...
A small discussion we were having regarding items from the Anarchist's Cookbook, specifically something that involved using match heads. It went something like this.

Person 1: "Yeah, but matches are made with sulphur and I don't know where we'd get that."

Person 2: "No they're not, matches are made of wood!"

I picked myself off the floor after about 3 minutes of laughter. Perhaps you had to be there.
( Iki I think my camel is dead., Sat 8 Jan 2005, 11:30, Reply)

God Bless America
My cousin spent a few months travelling around America and people usually picked up on his accent.
"Where are you from?" asked one girl.
"Liverpool."
"I've not heard of Liverpool."
"It's where The Beatles were from."
"The Beatles are American."

This girl was convinced The Beatles were American and couldn't be told otherwise.
(Hagis, Sat 8 Jan 2005, 10:13, Reply)

Visiting the Blarney Stone in Ireland
which is at the top of a ruined castle, fat yank cow shouts out "you'd have thought they would have fitted an elevator". She was old, she'll be dead by now hopefully.
(Chopper3, Sat 8 Jan 2005, 10:01, Reply)