Reply intelligently to other people's QOTW posts.

( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Wed 21 Nov 2012, 12:48, 2 replies)

I don't pay much attention to my father's drug and gambling habit.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Wed 21 Nov 2012, 12:48, 2 replies)

I invented a machine to help Scottish people deny the existence of Swiss Alps.
I called it the "'Eiger? Naw.' Device."
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 21 Nov 2012, 12:25, 1 reply)

I once ignored a fellow diner's request to switch off my incessantly ringing Motorola Startac in a very expensive restaurant.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 21 Nov 2012, 11:09, 2 replies)

I may, accidentally,
have pressed the History Eraser button.
( .Yeti., Wed 21 Nov 2012, 10:57, Reply)

I was in the pub a few weeks ago....
...watching a football game, between Tottenham Hotspur and Man United.
The guy standing next to me was Swedish, but didn't know much about English football teams. He just recognised them by their colour and so he was following the white colour shirts.
It was a tense match, when Man U scored in the 94th minute. The drunk Swedish guy exclaimed "*hic* nooooo, da vytes,....."
(PaddedJungle, Wed 21 Nov 2012, 5:51, 2 replies)

watch out where the huskies go
and don't you eat that yellow snow
(Ol' Ginger Bastard a role model for the children, Wed 21 Nov 2012, 3:22, 3 replies)

Don't feed the trolls.

( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Wed 21 Nov 2012, 1:40, 2 replies)

I once knew a bloke called Adam who was dead into woodwork.
He had this vice that looked and smelt as if it had once been part of a giant walnut. One day when he'd left the workshop unattended, I decided to find out if the vice really was part of a walnut.

In a squirrel-like manner, I held it between my hands, moved my head towards the prospectively edible surface and took out a small chunk of it with my incisors.

That's right folks, I gnawed Ad's vice!!!!!
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Wed 21 Nov 2012, 0:01, 2 replies)

My mum told me to never run with scissors
Never did me any harm

Can't speak for the guy I ran into though
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Tue 20 Nov 2012, 22:20, 1 reply)

do not share your feelings
I tell myself this many times, i usually listen.....but on occasion....i dont.
eg do not tell your neighbour you love her, when;
a) she is pretty but not that amazing
b) she already has a boyfriend
c) you are nearly twice her age
d) you are married

things go a bit odd when you do.
(Wankle-Rotary-Engine -pronounced 'Throat Wobbler Mangrove', Tue 20 Nov 2012, 21:21, 8 replies)

"Don't pick the cat up he might bite"
"Oh but animals like me" is the response I always get as they scoop him up into their arms.
This is usually followed by
"But animals normally like me"
as I'm prying him off their arm.
(FootOfTim, Tue 20 Nov 2012, 20:46, 2 replies)

"Don't wank in the lion enclosure" they said...

(The Oscillating Gibbon is eating curried squid, Tue 20 Nov 2012, 20:00, 12 replies)

"Bring that cake in, it's going to rain"
she said.

Did I listen?
(username failed moderation, Tue 20 Nov 2012, 17:23, 3 replies)

I was advised to bring my toys in.
Like an damned fool I left them out, and within minutes found myself up a tree in Finsbury Park, wearing little more than a pair of skiddy pants and a Yoda mask.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 20 Nov 2012, 17:15, 13 replies)

Don't shout at your boss
Even if he is a moron, he's wrong and he's going to end up fucking his own business.... its his business and he can fuck it if he wants and more importantly he pays you to do things he wants, not to tell him what to do.

I'm still trying to get this right.
( DinivanX Has stinging piss after drinking Pact Coffee, Tue 20 Nov 2012, 16:43, 2 replies)

I ignored my wife and child and set up an OKcupid account.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Tue 20 Nov 2012, 15:30, 24 replies)

I ignored the advice of not masturbating with headphones on

(McChinaman banned, Tue 20 Nov 2012, 14:07, 1 reply)

ignorance is contagious.
Some one I know...
His dad told him to wear a condom.
The son, being 6 foot eight and built like a brick shithouse in a bad mood, chose to ignore this for, shall we say, all of his life. A dad before his 18th birthday, now has 9 kids with four different women, and has 2 incurable STD's.. He's now 25, and he still goes drinking in Norwich.
Trufax.
(bangthedrum, Tue 20 Nov 2012, 11:30, 3 replies)

Seriously, mate - she's shit-brick psycho.
... and so it was that I entered the game of "If you leave me I swear I'll kill myself."

Oh well - someone had to.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 20 Nov 2012, 10:04, 7 replies)

Pub machines.
'Go on mate, hold all the reels, go again, get the Treasure Trail, double up and then you'll get lemons on the next spun, hold down 'Cancel' the go again and you'll get a repeat Jackpot'.

'No thanks mate, I'm done for now' I said, thinking 'he's just trying to make me fill up the machine with my money so he can milk it out later. So he slots in where I was and 20 seconds later there's the inevitable Chunka-Chunka-Chunka of a payout, followed a short while by another one.

Oh well. It's a mug's game really. I no longer feed the fruity fuckers.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Tue 20 Nov 2012, 9:58, 2 replies)

Don't mess with my tutu.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 20 Nov 2012, 7:58, 4 replies)

Satire...
Each week we ask a question. The idea is to generate material that's:

* interesting to read, i.e. we won't get bored of reading the answers after about 10 of them
* fun to answer
( Muns, Tue 20 Nov 2012, 0:03, 19 replies)

Don't touch the teddy bear
Don't touch

Don't

Don't

DON'T TOUCH

DON'T TOUCH TEDDY

DON'T TOUCH TEDDY

DADDY

DADDY

DADDY!

DON'T TOUCH TEDDY! DON'T!

DON'T TOUCH TEDDY!

DADDEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

*!&%*&^^!@+?>&^%)_~#+%(:'!"£"!!!@!!!'+-

mummy, help me
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Mon 19 Nov 2012, 21:24, 1 reply)

Don't get married, don't have kids, look what happened to your mother and me

( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Mon 19 Nov 2012, 20:15, Reply)

Only fools rush in.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 19 Nov 2012, 17:18, 10 replies)

stay away from my bins

(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Mon 19 Nov 2012, 16:24, 11 replies)

"you really shouldn't drink so much coffee"
well, i did. 3 cups in an hour. then i sneezed.
now i must go and change my tights.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Mon 19 Nov 2012, 14:49, 2 replies)

"Don't start smoking
it's quite addictive".

How I laugh at the people who told me that, every single time I quit.

At least I've not got any tats though.
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Mon 19 Nov 2012, 14:33, 13 replies)