When asked if he received any money from him regarding Stormy Daniels
Trump's lawyer, Cohen, replied : No, it was pro boner
(Minority Retort, Sun 13 May 2018, 2:51, Reply)

Are billy-goats gay?
I don't know, but they love butts.
(Ryja, Sat 12 May 2018, 22:42, Reply)

What's red and invisible?
No tomatoes
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Sat 12 May 2018, 18:18, 4 replies, latest was 6 years ago)

Which type of bread has a sense of humour?
Rye
(Ryja, Sat 12 May 2018, 0:50, Reply)

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
None
(ScottEarle, Sat 12 May 2018, 0:26, 3 replies, latest was 5 years ago)

Kermit went to his first TED talk
he found it ribbeting
(mrsfluffles Bitter & twisted? Probably., Fri 11 May 2018, 19:55, Reply)

What do you call a boy who always cries when the sun gets in his eyes?
Wayne Bow
(beanolabub, Fri 11 May 2018, 19:10, Reply)

A man walks into the doctors.
"Doctor, I am having immature thoughts"
"Don't be so ridiculous. Get out of my surgery"
"Make me!"
( The_cold_stare Coming here only when very, very bored, Fri 11 May 2018, 18:42, Reply)

A skeleton walks into a bar and says
I'll have a pint of lager and a mop please
(Lord Iffy Boatrace, Fri 11 May 2018, 18:22, Reply)

What do you call a drunken Italian up a ladder?
A High-Tiddly-I-tie
( Piper Alpha is being a grumpy northerm bastard on:, Fri 11 May 2018, 15:45, Reply)

A few years ago I was hosting a Christmas party.
As is the way with these things, it was decided that what was really needed to get things going with a swing was a strong yet sweet drink to buck everyone up. So we found some fruit juice, and poured it into a bowl with a good chug of a range of spirits. There was some brandy, some rum, a touch of whisky. Then, for roundness, we threw in some port and some sherry, which someone had picked up from the 24-hour off-licence around the corner. Truth be told, it was the kind of drink that you’d never consume anywhere other than a Christmas party. And yet in the context of a Christmas party… well, everyone wanted to try some.

This gave us a problem. Such was the enthusiasm of the guests that soon a crowd had formed around the table on which the bowl containing the mixture of fruit juice, fortified wine, and spirits was sitting. There was a very real danger that the crowd’d knock the whole thing over, or, at least, spill some of the drink (whose name, incidentally, comes from the Sanskrit for “five”). This would be a disaster. But how could the calamity be avoided?

I had an idea. I nipped out to the 24-hour stationer’s around the corner, and bought a book of cloakroom tickets. I then assigned each guest a number, which would mean I could arrange them into a queue.

With my concern for justice, I was aware that I might be suspected of assigning numbers in such as way as to give priority to people I favoured; and I did not want to display any bias, unconscious or otherwise. To avoid this undesirable outcome, I put the stubs of the tickets into a tombola that I had also bought – there was a 24-hour tombola shop around the corner – and assigned places in the queue for the sweetended alcoholic drink according to the sequence in which numbers were called.

With that setup in place, I could generate a highly contrived punch-line.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 11 May 2018, 15:39, 5 replies, latest was 6 years ago)

So the Flying Scotsman walks into a bar and sits down and orders a drink. When the barman turns back around with the drink, it's gone
.
.
.
sorry. I've completely lost my train of thought.
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Fri 11 May 2018, 15:22, 1 reply, 6 years ago)

Can you remember what language Napoleon spoke?
Course I can.
(Roger McGough-Pipe, Fri 11 May 2018, 14:59, Reply)

A man walks into a doctor and says he's got an apple stuck up his bum
"Are we talking about a core or the whole apple?", ask the doctor
"Macbook Pro"
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Fri 11 May 2018, 14:42, Reply)

A horse walks into a bar, orders a whisky, and says, "Some Polish kids cut off all my hair, it'll take ages to grow back""
The Barman says,"You must be in favour of Brexit, then?"
The horse replies, "Remaner"
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Fri 11 May 2018, 14:31, Reply)

Why did the Vietnamese general take a year off from fighting
he was on Giap year
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Fri 11 May 2018, 14:22, Reply)

Why was Sting fired from his job as a paramedic?
It kept taking him six hours to come
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Fri 11 May 2018, 14:19, Reply)

What do you give a cell nucleus with stomach ache?
Deoxyribonucleic antacid
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Fri 11 May 2018, 14:17, 2 replies, latest was 6 years ago)

What do you call a bunch of monkeys in a knot?
An orangutangle
( christhebarker, Fri 11 May 2018, 13:34, 1 reply, 6 years ago)

What do you call a cold-blooded oblong?
A reptangle

(my son thought of this on the way to school)
( christhebarker, Fri 11 May 2018, 13:28, 1 reply, 6 years ago)

What did the spider order at Burger King?
Whopper and flies. (No bun.)
( notmoro and mrnotmoro : formerly Ishamael and his Missus, Fri 11 May 2018, 12:09, 1 reply, 6 years ago)

A few years ago, Cadbury wanted to do a promotional tour for Dairy Milk.

Bit of nostalgia - stars of old shows like "Cagney and Lacey" and "Baywatch" would appear in pubs up and down the country to promote their choccy.

Or, as they put it, "Gless and a Hoff in every bar".

Speaking of old shows, the A-Team, when not racing around saving old folks and their nubile daughters, had their own pastimes.

Templeton Peck, for example, was also a professional seamster to the stars. One week he had a rush order from Clannad. They sent one of their number round to get the order. Peck looked out the window and sang :

♪"And now, the Enja's here, and I, Face, sew the final curtain..."♫

BA Baracus liked to go horseriding on his days off. He particularly liked colourful, patterned horses like piebalds. But when he got there, the stable owner said "Sorry, sir, but we only have this brown horse left, and it's too young to be ridden."
BA looked at him and said, "I ain't gettin' on no plain foal!"
( Tribs 🦇 ↓ dn ʎɐʍ sᴉɥʇ ↓🦇, Fri 11 May 2018, 11:35, 1 reply, 6 years ago)

If you're still upset about the conversion of Scandinavia to Christianity, you're just a Thor loser

( Tribs 🦇 ↓ dn ʎɐʍ sᴉɥʇ ↓🦇, Fri 11 May 2018, 11:25, Reply)

What can you clean your teeth with, sleep in and write with?
A toothbrush, a bed and a pen.
( insignificantsnivellinglittleturd I Like Peas, Fri 11 May 2018, 11:20, Reply)

There's a new restaurant opened up near me. The staff were all medieval peasants who lectured me abut Caitlyn Jenner's penis privilege.
It was a Serf and Terf restaurant.
(Roger McGough-Pipe, Fri 11 May 2018, 9:52, Reply)

Where do Sith Lords do their shopping?
In the Darth Mall.
( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Fri 11 May 2018, 9:04, Reply)

Q. Why did the horse cross its legs?
A. It REALLY needed a poo.
( Jabberwoc misses D.R. and Quinch, Thu 10 May 2018, 22:48, Reply)

How do you get down from an elephant?
You cross-breed it with a swan.
(FieldingMellish, Thu 10 May 2018, 21:37, 1 reply, 6 years ago)