Stay about from my bins

Nuff said

Cheers
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 8:12, 4 replies)

Internet whoring in the nineties and the noughties...
Can't say I've met any real internet 'crazies'... I guess probably because I was one of them? In my teenage years, back in the dark days of dial-up AOL, when I was full of teen angst and loneliness, and felt like I was a deeply unattractive and miserable chap, I used to troll the chat rooms and antagonise people by generally trying to come up with clever pedantic responses to the ubiquitous A/S/L? I also had a running battle with a nice fellow who often expressed a desire to give me a good 'rimming', whatever that is.. and he took my rejection as a sign of homophobia, which was curious.

But so I was in these chat rooms A LOT... and thought I was connecting with other angsty lonely teens whining about how miserable and lonely they were, mostly female, When in fact in hindsight I realise just how devastatingly effective I was at talking girls into meeting me in person, and had some steamy flings with several of them. It even got to the point that some of the 'regulars' and I in my favourite chatroom started to compete for the same girls... over the internet. There was like an unofficial scorecard of how many people off the internet you've (legally, consensually) had sex with.
And yet, we all still felt miserable and alone, because we weren't meeting them in pubs or nightclubs... we were meeting them ONLINE. Which is really sad and pathetic, apparently.

Can't truly say that I ever actually stopped this deplorable behaviour either, because I met my wife online too. But, can't really pretend to be angsty and lonely anymore.
(MegaSkyPeet, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 5:47, 4 replies)

Lots of normal but two seriously scary
Hmm the bomb plotter or the crazy fan - Crazy Fan first. I used to be on an internet forum for a boyband and yes I was old enough to know better a number of us got banned for being to lewd so formed a new group- it eventually was the second largest for this band. Now I met a good many people from the band following and some Im still in touch with to this day 10 years later but one got dropped hotter than a bubbling pan. I swear if she had been the first I had ever met I would have been sworn off the net for life. Over the net she was funny sassy etc. Just a week older than me we both liked the same band members. I was looking forward to meeting her. I had another web friend who was stopping with me so we both went into the City to meet her. Talk about shock. Before me stood a woman who looked at least ten years older and she had brought her mother with her who would have done ok as Grot Bags ugly sister. It was an uncomfortable few minutes trying to chat to someone who not only didn't make any form of eye contact (or even remove her sunglasses in the dark) she never smiled and I swear she hadnt had a bath in over a week. I had purchased her ticket (she paid for it) but it meant she was next to me at the concert- deep joy. At an interval I bent down to get water out of my bag and found a sunglass lens belonging to her she apparently hadnt noticed. I was pregnant at this point so was able to make my excuses about spending too much time on the net or rather on the site she hosted.

You would have thought I would have learnt my lesson- but no and although I never met this guy it was a close call. We had similar health problems and had initially gotten chatting on this health website again similar humours etc. He was a comp specialist and I was having an issue with something he offered to take me through the fixes on msn etc. We chatted for around 9 months during which he confessed to suffering a breakdown etc at some point- now I have no real issue with mental illness and indeed could understand why he had with what had come out -he sent me letters from his solicitor and psychiatrist as he wanted help drafting a reply in relation to access to his kids. He saw two from one partner un-supervised with no issue but they the other ex and the Social Workers was trying to use his mental health as justification from not seeing the other two. Why the SS were only worried about one set was beyond any comprehension- a danger to one a danger to all. Anyway I was aware of one Social Worker who was really getting his back up her letters were vile. He had cause to phone her one day whilst we were on MSN- having just received a letter from her which he scanned and sent me the last thing I heard for nearly 9 months was from him saying I told her she would have to listen if I blew the bloody building up. I was trying to explain that this probably wasnt wise words to use with such officials even if you are mad. No answer. Strange still on line- Are u ok no answer. this went on me checking every so often for answers nothing his msn account remained active for a number of days meaning it was open. I was later informed by someone from the health site that knew someone who knew him that he was serving time at HMP for bomb threats. He contacted me upon his release and Ive not been back on MSN since. He was at one point in my home city but I was away unexpectedly so had had to cry off coffee at the hospital where he was having an interview over the road from where I worked.
(JuicyJ, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 0:10, 10 replies)

If I was into women and really, really desperate this might have been a good thing
Several years back my internetting mainly centered around fansites for a certain band I won't name. I left due to a combination of loss of interest and a massive fallout which is another story entirely, but the main point is I had absolutely shit all to do with them following that.

There was one girl who I'd never met in person and it was clear I had absolutely nothing in common with except an interest in the band, and now there wasn't even that. She was determined to stay in touch with me and still wanted to meet up at some point. I kept fobbing her off with maybe at some unspecified point in the future. She was clearly somewhat mentally ill and it seemed best to be polite. My life would have been a lot easier if I hadn't bothered. She contacted me slightly more often than I would like and I tried to cunningly throw her off a bit by not telling her my number when I got a new phone but she just called my parents until my doormat of a mum gave her my real number.

Anyway, the one slight link to the band I still had was I was moderator on a Yahoo fangroup. The group had about 5 posts a year of which about 3 were spam and 1 was an automated birthday reminder so handing over mod powers seemed more effort than it was worth. The one post a year actually related to the group was generally her. For reasons I can't remember she managed to start a flame war on barely animated zombie of a Yahoo group so I stuck her on moderation to stop her being such a douchebag.

Then she tried to post while on moderation and I was afk for a few hours and all hell broke loose.

When her post didn't come through immediatley she send me a torrent of abuse about how I had no right to ban her from the group (I did have that right and she wasn't even banned). This started with emails but escalated to phonecalls several times a minute for several hours. I was out of the house and this was before I had a smartphone so that meant no internet access, so no amount of abuse could make me release her precious message. She started phoning my parents telling them how evil I am, and doormat mum was once again being far too sympathetic and thought calling the police would be "heavy handed", but luckily it was out of her control this time. This continued for several days and I called the police after threats that if she called me one more time I would call the police only lead to her constantly calling me begging me not to. The trouble was she was completely batshit insane and her messages made no sense at all, a lot of her torrent of abuse was her demanding me to stop harassing her, because apparently putting them phone down on her and not replying to her emails is harrassing her. The first police I spoke to were stupid enough to think that just meant she didn't want to talk to me and I didn't want to talk to her and there was no problem, so the torrent of abuse continued.

Eventually I called them a second time and they said something to her that finally caused her to stop contacting me. However, she hadn't quite learnt her lesson and I'm told the story repeated on another fan of the band and even a member of it. The sad thing is that since none of us were related to her there was nothing we could do to make her get the mental health care and close supervision she so desperately needed, and she may still be out there doing the same thing to other people.

However, this has been the exception rather than the rule and on balance meeting people on the internet has improved my life vastly more than it has made it worse. I don't like telling that story without this caveat because otherwise it looks like proof that you should never give out contact information to people you meet on the internet or meet them in person and I don't agree with that at all.
(GothicTechie, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 19:09, 1 reply)

In which grandmasterfluffles has nipples like brave toy soldiers standing to attention
Before meeting the lovely Mr Fluffles, I had an OkCupid profile. Through it I received many strange messages. The guy who was desperately looking for a woman to sit on his face and fart was particularly brilliant, but even he couldn't compete with this. Make sure you are sitting comfortably and enjoy this masterpiece with some lube and a box of tissues.

i wudnt mind kissing u in the rain..getting in an argument with u on purpose..

getting u mad..
cos earning ur forgiveness after wud be bliss..
u wanna no how id do it ??..
heres how..
id come back in the room after stormin out.. dressed in a helmet n large riot gear cos u never no what u might throw at me ..
then id cautiously approach u get ur trust.. take off my helmet..
kiss ur lips..
kiss ur shulders..
get down on my knees..
slide up ur skirt..
kiss ur knees..
kiss ur hands..
begging for forgiveness..
if ur still..
in a strop..
id proceed to kissin ur elbows..
laying u back..
kissing ur stomach..
suddenly stopping..
take ur hand..
lead u up to the bedroom..
where u hear music..
soothing music coming from ur bedroom.. icecubes..
marshmellows..
babyoil..
skittles..
mnms ..
now ur blindfolded..
til i lead u in to the room..
where theres champaigne on ice..
a bed of roses..
well rose petals..
took me ages to de thorn em! ..
but ur smile was worth the pain..
cramps in my fingers..
im standing behind u kissing ur shulders u got this nice black dress on n i slide the shulder straps off slow im kissin ur collar bone i turn u round kissin ur sexy kissible lips in the rain lips taste jus like strawberry tongues we stumble over to ur bed of roses petals fall on to the bed i motion down to ur feet t gonna mess with them jus sliding off ur shoes real slow i em the foot t the shoe i ur leg ur knee back of ur legs i run my hands down ur sexy black dress down ur chest i lift it up slow just half way sumhow u got a marshmellow in ur navel i suck that out ur stomach i push ur in thighs apart here comes the best bit i ur inner thighs slow licking i tease u with my toingue i ease in slow u moan sigh i dun i run my hands underneath each thigh clutching u under my elbows pulling u forward i slowly gently thrust my tongue inside u u sigh a lil louder i u thrust aalil quicker thrusting deeper n deeper ur butt cheeks clenching im hold them in each palm ur inner thighs start to shake clenching clasping round my ears im going deaf so tight its nice it spurs me on to go in deeper in ur womb ur moan ur pelvis n hips moving back n forth uncontrollable thusting in rythm with my tongue back n forth back n forth the tempo speeds up nowur shaking more convulsing sweating i cant hear ur moans but ur thighs wrapped round my head say it al i taste ur womb on my tonsils i wanna come up but u got me down thre so tight i cant ur ankles digging in the back of my back ur ass cleching im gonna explode my self dam gurl feels gud **** j holliday heres archie moses i luv ur taste of u **** its so nice succulant can i fing er ur bum hole well i start fingering uncontrollably ur bum hole so tight i feel ur **** walls wrapped round my tongue n ur bum hole tighting round my fumb cum with me i want u too i finger u faster n faster ur heart beating immensely wanna feel ur **** juice on my tung bust baby bust comonnnnnnnnnnnn do it all over my face tastes nice r u fingering it

dam shud i go on or u gud i think ur gud lemmie c..
next..
i raise up to ur lips from r inner thighs..
i
kiss
ur brow
then down to ur lips
tongue kissing
ur panties
round ur ankles still
i push ur thighs apart
n slid up in u slow n gentle
thrusting
u moan slightly
still
semi turned on by the oral
u wrapped ur legs round my peach bum..
so tight
i have to push down on ur thighs
to get comfortable
u roll
over on me
now ur on top
u raise
up
massaging my chest ..
i take ur hand
n suck on ur fingers
one
by one

our
pelvises
thrusting
together
u start to
ride me
slow
ur hair
all in ur face
im having
to move it out the way of ur mouth n eyes
thrusting
faster
dam u tight

u work out
my hands lazily
on ur hips
but
concentration is inept
eye contact maintained
i put my fingers
in ur mouth
for u to bite on
gently!!!


shud i go on??




i like ur hat..
sitting on ur bed side table ..
so i reach out..
put it on u..
still riding u..
upping the tempo..
short in breath now..
jus laying there..
watching ur hips..
so sexy n smooth in my hands..
moving back in forth..
up n down..
in a circular motion..
feels so tight..
i wanna
arrive..
but u pinch me
hard!
shouting no!

carry on!
im dying here

u grab my hands
in put em on ur firm soft
breasts
nipples erect
like
brave
toy soldiers
standing to attention..
hearts pounding..
if i die
i wanna go
like dis..
u bouncing
up n down
on my
now
aching
enourmous
throbbing
member..
im in ecstascy..
heart rates up
my toes are getting ready to curl..
u moan
louder n louder
exhaling
ur hairs moved again
i cant move it cos it looks so sexy
runing over ur face
falling
on my chest
as u kneel
down
to tongue kiss
me
i clench
my but cheeks
n palm urs in my hands
tightenting the grip
letting u no
i wanna
cum
u kiss me
passionatly
i hold u in the clutches of my big strong arms
tightenting my hold
showin u
ur safe with me
n no
one
will ever hurt u here
u shudder
with
excitement
i shudder with u
we
exhale
at the same time
arriving together
i lay ur head on my chest
kiss ur hair
moving it out ur face n kissing ur sweating brow again
wiping the sweat wiv my hand

..
then
..

i
ask
ya..
im gonna need a cigarette..
and..
a..
light..

open..
the..
window..
its..
hot..
n steamy..
in here..

© By archiemrpoetmoses

Incidentally, ARCHIE_MOSES still has a profile on the site. Ladies, this man is single.
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 17:51, 25 replies)

i have only met people from here and the occasional internet date from the internet
every b3tan i have met (ok, just 1 exception, there's always 1) has been lovely and not at all crazy. but the dating... oh god, the dating...

first up, i was 18 and the shiny new internet had this thing called "chat rooms". i had never come across anything like it before, but as an english student with lectures making up a grand total of 4 hours a week, i had plenty of time to play around. "met" a guy who lived near my parents up in cheshire. the online chat was great, the telephone chat was fun, we agreed to meet. long story short, he got cunted, vomited all over the inside of my car, and cried about being a virgin before admitting he had lied about where he lived because he thought i was posher than he was.

roll forwards 2 years and i haven't learned my lesson, i'm back in the chatroom one day and "meet" another guy. this one also lives in london. it was all going so well until he rang on the day we were meeting, got my flatmate, confessed in a rush that he had no idea what to wear and had chosen his ugliest mate for her so that i wouldn't fancy his mate instead. this would have been quite sweet except that (i) all that angst about what to wear and he chose a leather waistcoat? and (ii) his mate was plug ugly. unfortunately he was ten times more so. although the worst bit was that they didn't fancy us.

left the internet alone for a long, long time after that. the next time i tried it was years later. i could tell tales of cuntish pikeyness and shit sex, but as the /qotw asks for "crazy", only one of them really stands out. chris. chris seemed like such a nice guy, if a little alarmingly tall and a little shy. until he lunged across the table at me after the first coffee with fire in his eyes, clasped my hands to his chest, and said urgently:

"so have you found God?"
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 16:35, 14 replies)

When the internet was mysterious...
much like one of the previous posters, (why am I now thinking of Athena?) I had only used the net exactly twice. When our school got a connection we all sat there huddled around a computer, I would love to say in aww, but I couldn't actually much see the point. This was 1994. Shift forward a few years, and I am on work experience in a very upto date office, that had an ISDN connection. As a treat after I had toiled for free for a week, I was shown how to browse. I was told under no circumstances should I look at anything rude, had I known there was access to this type of material I would have got a connection at home way sooner.

Fast forward a few years again, and I'm at uni, I did take a computer, a lovely 386 that didn't have a modem, in fact, I used it twice out of boredom. It sat there mocking me, whilst my richer mates had computers with CD drives, and access to the janet campus network.

One lad in our flat (halls) wasn't that odd, he liked football, a beer or two, studied the usual amount, wasn't that quiet, but would keep himself to his self. He also loved computers.

He started spending more and more time trapped away in his room, busily using his internets, after a while I asked what he was up to, I didnt ask him directly as I wasn't that close to him. So I got the gossip from a friend. He'd been on chat rooms and now had a Canadian girlfriend, they'd been chatting for a while and now he was due to fly out to meet her, she was 15, he 19/20ish, he'd been using someone else's photo and he was going to have to hide in her room as her parents were religious.

I know he paid the 800 odd quid for the flight, and I know he disappeared and never returned to uni. I can't recall his surname, so he must be living it up in Canadia land, dead, or in prison. Or a highly successful programmer somewhere.

Oh and another flat mate when he was 14 had his phone line tapped as he'd been naughty telnet hacking. He got away with a caution, today he would have been extradited he showed me what he did a few times its amazing you can still do it today. Slightly.
(feedingtimeatthezoo day 1 of his bikini diet started, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 16:27, 1 reply)

i met ssg once.
he's a man mountain and my idol.
( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 11:13, 3 replies)

Created an instant ghetto of whiny White Supremacists
Last February 27th, there was a surprise riot in town (Sacramento, California). A group of white-looking people had been conducting a protest regarding what they considered ill-treatment of their white bretheren in South Africa, when they were set upon by a larger group of darker-looking people who came from some distance (from the San Francisco Bay area actually) just because the idea of the protest pissed them off.

The unexpected riot caught everyone flat-footed. I ran down to try to get my teeth kicked in too, but most of the people had already scattered. I took a video of the pretty Sac Police spokeslady being interviewed by a radio reporter. Comments on the video quickly arrived.

I apparently injured the feelings of the White Supremacists by referring to them as Neo-Nazis (that's what everyone on the streets was calling them). Still, I can tell from their many comments that I stepped over the line. I apologize unreservedly with abject abasement by equating a desire for authoritarian dominance with a desire for authoritarian dominance (plus genocide). Distinctions must be respected.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 7:26, 1 reply)

Crazies and gullible types
Everyone I've ever met from the internet has proven to be crazy and gullible. I have the (NWS) pics to prove it too. Just click "I like this" and leave a reply to see them.
( SeasonTicketless is too often the statue, and rarely the pigeon., Tue 27 Nov 2012, 7:20, 15 replies)

Before the internet
nutters were still around but they all felt that they were uniquely and utterly alone. At first I thought she was a sweet young thing but then she started on about the orgasmic rapture of having recently taken on Jesus as her personal savior.
I was trying to explain how it was possible to worship Him on a carnal plane, but she wouldn't listen. "Sometimes," I said, "Jesus asks me to reach out and touch people in a certain way in certain places. Does He ask that of you?"
"Anyway," I said as she ran out, "Jesus isn't your personal savior, He's mine."
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 4:31, Reply)

We've all met him.
He hovers around cyberspace like some kind of wasp, ready to attempt to sting to death anyone who angers him.

Back when the internet was shiny and amazing and chat rooms were all the rage, I used to amuse myself by getting drunk and wandering around the freeserve chatrooms (before it became wanadoo, then orange, then demanded their router back which I've just remembered is under the bed covered in dust), watching for people arguing and butting in. At first, I went by the name "TJHooker", but quickly discovered that the monicker "hooker" in a chatroom full of lonely people on a weekend resulted in a large volume of unwanted private messages. I was there to kick ass and take names, not lick ass and feel shame, so the name changed.

I'd usually pick the one who was being the biggest twat to go for, so in a way I suppose it was sort of proto-trolling, an embryonic white knight. This was around 2000 when most people hadn't developed their hard, calloused internet shield that renders them desensitised to trolls that many folk have these days.... it was like shooting fish in a barrel.

I quickly discovered that the type of person who wandered around freeserve's chatrooms insulting people weren't always the sharpest bunch. Usually a few well aimed remarks would have them ranting and raving and they'd usually storm out of the room in a huff after a short while, I felt like I was performing a sort of public service. Then I met the internet commando.

He was in a room throwing insults back and forth at certain people, so I rolled up my sleeves and started baiting him as usual, getting him to make a fool of himself and laughing at his lack of brain power, soon enough he snapped, but instead of flouncing out of the room he started going absolutely fucking mental at me. He was threatening to kill me and my entire family, all very much to my glee, until he mentioned the fabled "IP address".

"I'll find you you little cunt. I'm looking at your IP address now I'll be there soon." Now, my experience with computery stuff at this point in history was playing quake over a college network, and baiting nutters in chat rooms. I did not know what an IP address was, or if indeed he knew exactly where I lived, although I had heard college lecturers mention the thing when talking about the internet. He, on the other hand, seemed to know exactly what this IP address was, and from what he was saying, it was pointing him right to my front door. I started pretending I was at work, but he said "No you aren't. You're in a house. I'm going to fucking rip your head off you little cunt. I've been trained for this kind of thing, you're fucking dead! You don't go through what I've been through to take this kind of shit!"

Ah I wish I could say I'd heard it all before, but I hadn't. I genuinely believed he had a big map on his screen with a red flashing dot over my house, and that he was donning camo paint and bullet belts. I thought I had just poked a mentallist and invited him to come round and give me a good kicking, so, ever the hero, I promptly shat myself and apologised profusely before switching off the PC and spending a nervous few days wondering if he really could track me down.

Even now I wonder if he's in the bushes across from my house, watching, waiting silently, carving the days into his arm. Quite why a highly trained commando who'd seen one too many friends die would be on freeserve chat at half two on a saturday morning shouting at teenage girls never occured to me.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 1:57, 10 replies)

I sometimes post on a forum where people are convinced that working themselves up into an angry frenzy constitutes trolling.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Mon 26 Nov 2012, 21:32, 14 replies)

Internet Dating
Probably a few of these, I've not had a chance to read through QOTW yet...

Used to Internet Date.
(Roger Moore's Right Eyebrow saw your mum on chatroulette on, Mon 26 Nov 2012, 16:38, 17 replies)

i feel sorry for plentyofants
i met him last year in the head of steam pub. he had to witness me getting utterly shitfaced, doing a comedy backflip in the middle of dale street and almost cracking my skull open on the pavement.
sorry :(
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Mon 26 Nov 2012, 14:14, 9 replies)

I once made the mistake of telling someone on a YouTube video they'd pronounced a word wrong
Turns out I was the one mistaken but I got about 10 people telling me to kill myself, go die and troll somewhere else.

If I wanted to troll then I can do a better job than just telling someone they'd pronounced a word incorrectly and then being the one who was actually mistaken

People on the Internet are mental and want you dead if you make a small mistake. Why do I come here?
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Mon 26 Nov 2012, 4:28, 8 replies)

The Donutsh
I had an interesting experience with people off the internet once... I run a radio station** for unsigned bands and had some music from a fellow b3tan who is in a band called The Donutsh. I live in Thanet and had some work in London but, due to poor planning, I didn't have enough cash flowing to get to and from London every day so I put the word out, half-jokingly, during a radio show and got an email off Klepsie basically saying "Come and stay at my house, it's ok, we can get stoned". Great success!!

So I show up and Klepsie is lovely, we talk bollocks, we watch telly and all is good.

The second night we drive over to Henry the bass-player's house and things get weird. Henry has an interest in Research Chemicals. 'Research Chemicals' is a euphemism for anything legally-obtainable that can get you high. Flavour of the month is AM2201* - a potent non-selective cannabinoid receptor agonist. Essentially that means it gets you allofthestonedatthesametime... drooling-laughing-hungry-stupid-razorsharp-insightful stoned.

I took a hit from a normal cigarette dipped in this mysterious white powder and within 30 seconds I was further gone than I ever have been before. Paralysis and paranoia. I couldn't move for what seemed like hours and the whole time I was convinced something terrible was about to happen. "What have they given me.... weird white powder.... what if it's PCP... why can't I move... Maybe they are satanists... they are going to drag me into the courtyard, strip me naked, and ritually bugger me...."

I started to regain control of my limbs and move around a bit. The head of a cat popped up over the edge of the coach. "Oh that's nice" I thought, "It's all so obvious now.... the cat is the LEADER!! If I make friends with the cat they won't ceremonially humiliate me!!". Of course... it all made sense! I started to stroke the cat, the cat loved it and started doing all cat-things.. rubbing it's head on me, purring and started to climb onto me.

When I initially sat down on the couch I had kind of leant back and lifted my balls up so I could cross my legs. The cat climbed on to me and sat down directly on my balls. So warm. It started purring and stared me straight in the eye. There is a warm throbbing presence on my testicles and I want, no - NEED to impress it. It's a matter of life and death. I swear the cat wants to have sex with me. It looks... horny. It is trying it's hardest to give me a hard-on. What do I do. I'm going to get raped by a cat or The Donutsh.

I started to stare at the curtains while trying not to cry. At some point I became aware that I was in a room full of people laughing and joking. I was safe. They were friendly. We could watch Metalocalypse and smoke some more AM2201.

*AM2201 is commonly sold to labs who need soemthing with which to clean their gas chromatography equipment.

**shameless plug - www.federalradio.co.uk - live shows Thursday and Sunday evenings... join us! send us your music! :)
(Ktulu O'Ryleh float like a turd, sting like chlamydia, Sun 25 Nov 2012, 23:49, 8 replies)

I had a pint with Gonzo once.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Sun 25 Nov 2012, 23:21, 7 replies)

I'm married to Amorous Badger.
Take from that what you will.
( Wicca'd Witch needs ideas for a new sig on..., Sun 25 Nov 2012, 22:38, 92 replies)

Bert Monkeysex
Late of this parish. He fucked his sister.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Sun 25 Nov 2012, 20:48, 20 replies)

Whoever picks the QOTW.
"Ooh, I'm sure this will get loads of responses!"

The past six weeks have an average of 93 responses, and half of those were probably horrific puns.
(baldpig pee'd in your pool on, Sun 25 Nov 2012, 20:39, 5 replies)

Anyone seen moggy?

( I smash things in my sleep uruk-hai ...and I'll look low. Now where'd they go?, Sun 25 Nov 2012, 17:59, 1 reply)

Miss Winklevoss
Six years ago I was talking to a female photographer from Texas who was delightfully nutty - she used to dress up as zombies/nineteenth century ghosts/werewolves for photoshoots and showed me her latest pics through photobucket or somesuch. She kept insisting I should fly out and take photos with her in Deer Park but I politely declined, reasoning that it was a long way to travel to use up a roll of Kodak.

But the reason she sticks in my mind is because of the audio files she used to record while we were chatting on msn. I still keep them as wav files because I find them charmingly oddball.

"Umm... hello Robby? This is Candace? Yeah, so... fun times out here... YOU ROCK!" (you have to imagine the teen Texan accent)

"So Robby, we should go take some pictures and thennnn... go rock out werewolf style aaaaaaaand.... yeah! That's what I got!" (I'm unsure as to whether this means she wanted me to go slaughtering with her or simply listen to some Warren Zevon)

"Uhh, yeah buddy, so, you know. It sounds like: 'Oh dangggg... DAAAaanggg... daaaaNNGGG... DAAAANNNNGGGG, yeah!" (erm, nope, can't remember what this one was about)

"Uhh, yeah Robby, so YOU ROCK! I'm just gonna eat a chicken quesadilla from Taco Bell because it's so A-A-A-A-A-AMAZING!" (shocking product placement)

and, after I told my supervisor Jeff about her, asked her to mediate in a game of petty name-calling at work:
"So, this message is to Jeffrey? Regarding the name 'Roberto Squirto'? I'm just gonna say, er... hard times. Hard times out there. That's what I got."

They'd make good samples, I think. Sadly, I remain untalented in that field and after these exchanges we drifted and I never spoke to Candace again :(
"Have a good night, aaaand pleasant dreams. Yeah!"
( The Silent Channel is getting his recommended 5-a-day, Sun 25 Nov 2012, 17:46, Reply)

No, never and no amount of forcing will make me!
I am a lady type person and in times gone past I considered internet dating. Some of my friends, both men and women, were actively going on dates with internet foundlings; even forging relationships with them.

Where's the problem then? On meeting some of their new found partner's I can conclude it is a beneficial way of meeting your own personal sycophant, prison warden, mind control expert or fat twat.
(Free pens 100, 101, 102 is still counting on, Sun 25 Nov 2012, 16:41, 2 replies)

Whether in front of a computer or behind a wheel, kicking a ball
or acting, an otherwise perfectly dull person can turn into a rather wrathful psycho spitting spite and vengeance and can be rather frightening to witness.

Click 'I like this', you fucking cunt.
(roysin, Sun 25 Nov 2012, 16:04, 1 reply)