Qharmly d’Oisps
The most irrational person I have ever encountered in all my travels through Time and Space is Qharmly d’Oisps, Prime Qosk of Utat Wohaelminig Canton on the planet Zuggox.

Zuggox is, or rather was (or rather will be) an ancient, stormy planet at the very edge of the galaxy, distant from the spaceways and mostly ignored by offworlders. Over the aeons, it had developed unmolested through various civilizational phases from barbarism through feudalism and had stalled at a sort of mediaeval bureaucracy. The planet consisted of one very large ocean teeming with the kind of sea life that would consider a Kraken a light snack, which encircled its single continent, Fum. Fum was all mountains and jungles, and most of the roughly humanoid population lived either in fortresses built into the mountains, vast networks of treehouses woven into the canopy of the jungle, or ramshackle coastal fishing communities.

The economy of Fum revolved around trade between these three sectors of Zuggoxian society. The mountain dwellers provided raw materials, stone and metal, the shore people provided fresh fish (often risking life and limb in the dangerous oceans of Zuggox), and the foresters provided timber, meat, fabrics and the like. It was a thriving, busy place and the seafood was fantastic.

Zuggox was under the absolute rule of a monarch, appointed every fifty years by the Ceremony of the Borrowed Binders of Ataratarat. I was there under the rule of King Todborong, a fat, indolent, ignorant and rather cruel oaf; that was the problem with monarchy appointed by ancient ceremony, you didn’t have much choice over who wore the crown, and had to accept the judgment of the Borrowed Binders.

Fum was split into three hundred Cantons, each one under the auspices of local Qosks, appointed according to a series of arcane rituals and procedures known as Qoskage. Each canton had its own Qoskelry comprising a Prime Qosk, who was in charge of the Canton, a dozen or so Underqosks acting as administrators, and around a hundred Qoskeens who enforced the law as laid down by the Prime Qosk. Tax evasion, smuggling, prostitution, slavery, gambling and more were all rife throughout the three hundred Cantons of Fum, and all illegal, so the local Qoskelry was kept very busy. The demands on the Qoskelry varied from Canton to Canton, but, broadly, the Mountain Cantons (Utats) had terrible problems with slavery (especially the mines), prostitution and other ‘people crimes’, the Forest Cantons (Reheens) were hotbeds of gambling and drug manufacture and the Coastal Cantons (Graints) were obviously perfect for people trafficking and smuggling.

I was on Zuggox mainly for a holiday, after just having barely escaped from a particularly nasty skirmish in that eternal, annoying war between the Sontarans and the Rutans. I’d been forced to eat Sontaran flesh for several months, and it had given me cancer, which I’d used some of my regenerative powers to cure, and I was weak and needed to recuperate. Somewhere simple and out of the way like Zuggox was perfect, so I settled down in Reheen Shiii Canton where I lived in a lovely little treehouse overlooking the Southern Sea, carving figurines for the Zuggoxian children. Once I was feeling stronger, for a change of scene I moved into the mountains and took up a post as Underqosk in Utat Wohaelminig Canton, and that is where I encountered Qharmly d’Oisps.

He was a strange little man, in appearance nothing to shout about, just a grey rather confused looking chap with white hair. He wore the traditional garb of the Prime Qosk – purple pantaloons, a long black jacket embroidered in gold, an insanely frilly shirt and a quite incredible hat that looked like a cross between a tricorn and a tea cosy. He was my boss for the time I lived in Utat Wohaelminig and I quickly became annoyed by certain irrational views he held onto with the tenacity of a Zuggoxian Scrunge-Crab on a scrotal sac.

Within a few hours of taking up my post as Underqosk I discovered that corruption was rife in the Qoskelry. It varied from Canton to Canton, but all of them were on the make in some way or another, and it was worse in the Utats, as they saw themselves as above the law by dint of their elevated, montane position. Utat Wohaelminig was rotten to the core and Qharmly d’Oisps was in on every racket going. (It was even rumoured that d’Oisps had fixed Qoskage in his favour.) Protection, extortion, drugs, prostitution – you name it, the Qoskelry had it sewn up. They made the Krays and the Corleones look like rank amateurs. At first I was against this – if you’ve seen the movie Serpico, well, that was how it was for me. I even looked a lot like Al Pacino in that incarnation. Unlike Frank Serpico, however, I rolled over and joined in with the other members of the Qoskelry, as I didn’t (and don’t) particularly care about ‘morals’ and it seemed stupid to resist when there was so much money to be had, and so many young Zuggoxian beauties to fuck.

Although he was as bent as a perigosto stick that’s been shoved forcefully up a Venusian Shanghorn’s cloaca, Qharmly d’Oisps was a stickler for rules and regulations. However petty the rule, however arcane the ritual, however pointless the regulation, he would insist on it. For example, when one entered the Hall of Qoskelry it was ordained by ancient ritual that, before crossing the threshold, one had to hop from one foot to another thirty times whilst reciting the Venerated Oath of Qoskage (I won’t bore you with repeating the oath here – I’ll bore you instead by carrying on with this story). This got annoying after a couple of days, but if you didn’t do it you weren’t allowed a tea break so it was best to put up and shut up. Furthermore, all memos and minutes had to be copied five times: one for the Qoskelry files, one for the Royal Palace files, one for the personal files of the Prime Qosk, one for the Grummab and one for the float which got sent round to every other Canton on Fum. This latter would take ages so one was always reading information from other Cantons that was a year, or more, out of date. Oh and the Grummab? That was even MORE pointless! The Grummab was a special breed of Xuggoxian, an obese mutoid retard with the mental age of a baby, which would sit in a circular pit in a special room in the Qoskelry wallowing in its own piss and shit, fed by the Grummab Maid appointed especially for this purpose. (For some reason, it was seen as a great honour to be appointed Grummab Maid, and Grummab Maids were much sought after by the young men of the Canton. Don’t ask me why – I never saw the attraction – they always stank of Grummab shit). Anyway, this Grummab would have to receive copies of every minute and memo issued by the Qoskelry. What it did with them did not matter, no one cared that the Grummab would tear them up, eat them, wipe its ass on them or wank over them. It was ordained by ancient law, therefore it had to happen. The original reasons were lost in the impenetrable mists of time.

Those are just two examples of the ridiculous and, yes, irrational laws and rituals that Qharmly d’Oisps insisted we adhered to rigidly. It was clever of him, really. Such blind obedience masked the level of his corruption from the King, who was blithely oblivious to all the shenanigans going on right under his stupid nose. So d’Oisps was completely rational where that was concerned.

No, his irrationality, the thing that really got on my Time Lord tits, was his unshakeable belief that there was no life on other planets!

Can you believe that?

Even on a backward backwater like Zuggox, they knew that life existed elsewhere in the galaxy. They were visited by offworlders sometimes and had been for centuries. It was a fact of life. Zuggoxians rarely travelled offworld – they hadn’t developed the technology, for one thing; and weren’t particularly interested in anything outside their own little world, for another. But they knew that other populous worlds existed. They knew, though they cared little.

Except the Prime Qosk of Wohaelminig Canton, an otherwise intelligent man of position and influence!

When I first found out about his ridiculous views, I tried to argue him out of them, by simply pointing out that I was an offworlder myself, and had direct experience of life elsewhere in the cosmos. He dismissed this as the mere fantasy of a lunatic. I then tried the old argument about the infinite size of the universe and the certainty of other forms of life within it, but the cunt wasn’t having any of that either.

Eventually, driven to distraction by this idiot’s idiotic views, I cut short my holiday (I was more or less over the cancer) and all but dragged Qharmly d’Oisps into my TARDIS for a whistle-stop tour of the universe. I showed him the majestic blue crystal caverns of Metebelis Three. I showed him the golden beaches and shimmering seas of Florana. I showed him the echoing desolation of Oseidon. I showed him the steaming jungles of Tigella. I showed him the utopian excesses of the Eknuri. I showed him all of this and more – and STILL he denied it! He said it was ‘some sort of drug induced hallucination’ so in the end I got pissed off with him and dumped him on late Twentieth Century Earth where he ended up in quite a senior Cabinet position, you probably know him, grey haired chap, rather boring, took the name of – bugger, I’ve forgotten, was it James Callaghan or John Major? Or someone else? Doesn’t matter.

I still can’t quite get over his irrational views about life on other worlds. I mean, how stupid can you get? I for one am living proof that extraterrestrial life exists!

What a twat.
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Sun 13 Oct 2013, 19:57, 6 replies)

Albert got fat
and as his dietician I ration Al.
BOOOM
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Sun 13 Oct 2013, 19:35, Reply)

Down my local there's a man called Alan from Dublin who supports Rangers.
One day he got caught looking through a small gap that looked in on the ladies bog.
It's now known as the Irish Hun Al Peephole.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Sun 13 Oct 2013, 15:58, 3 replies)

My mate Al (you can see where this is going)
exports gardening equipment to the Middle East.
There is a fad out there for growing leguminous vegetables and
Al thought he could make a killing supplying bamboo for supports.
To his surprise they didn't buy any but the story made news headlines.
"Iran shun Al pea pole"
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Sun 13 Oct 2013, 14:40, 2 replies)

Female Paranoid Hearing Impairment
Why oh why does the "fairer sex" have the ability, when they don't quite hear something, to mishear it in the worst possible way ?

So, 2 minutes beforehand, you've had a hug and kiss, she goes upstairs, for some reason I need to call something to her up the stairs, such as "Don't forget we're going out tonight", and by the miracle of FPHI these innocent words turn into "Did I tell you I'm planning to leave you tomorrow", or similar.

Does this not strike anyone as somewhat irrational ?

Women, you're great, but if you're not sure of what I was saying, the chances of it being horrible (unless we're half-way through an argument) are very, very, very slim - so why is that the option you go for by default ?
(TheImmortalJenkins, Sun 13 Oct 2013, 14:32, 8 replies)

Posters that don't understand
the difference between inappropriate and irrational.
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Sun 13 Oct 2013, 13:32, 2 replies)

Telling stories about not liking a persons choice of theism is irrational and illogical and goes no where.
It is dull. Debate is futile, don't like religion start killing the followers, Islamists, Christians, Pagans all of them. As the bible says, if thine religious nutter offends thee - rip them out.
1) tell them it is god's will for them to die.
2) Kill enough of them, then if gods exist then surely those gods will have to intervene for their followers.

Science has no place trying to disprove deities, so don't use science in a theological debate. Theology will however try to hold science back from it's goals and to continue to spread it's silliness regarding science and established theories.

Example. "Evolution is just a theory." answer. "So is gravity, but you are not floating away." or "Fuck off simpleton, I cannot be bothered."
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Sun 13 Oct 2013, 12:41, 7 replies)

I WAS NOT SENDING HIM BUMHOLE PICTURES I WAS PAYING HIS MORTGAGE

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Sun 13 Oct 2013, 11:50, 1 reply)

balloon cure
A friend of mine absolutely refused to drive anywhere at night because she was worried she would hit someone and not notice.

I always thought I could cure her irrational fear by setting up some empty plastic trash bins and having her bump them with her car at low speeds, to show that it's impossible to not notice even that kind of impact.

The opportunity never came up, so instead I wedged an old deflated child's birthday balloon and some human hair in the underside of her bumper when she was leaving work for the day, figuring that facing her fear was the only way to get past it.
( the prick of misery pierced my foot on a spiiiike on, Sun 13 Oct 2013, 1:52, Reply)

fluffybunnykiller
for thinking there is equal weight to both sides in the vaccine / anti-vaccine debate
( A Rory Borealis here under duress, Sun 13 Oct 2013, 1:40, 13 replies)

People who say "this bad boy can do x"...
.. when it's neither bad, nor a boy.
(Dildo Bugger destroyed a ring on, Sun 13 Oct 2013, 0:27, 1 reply)

or there's always the story of who made the original Moses basket...
... not just and basket weavers, these were rush o' Nile people. Makers of the finest baskets made from rushes in the whole of Biblical times.
(saint_edward, Sat 12 Oct 2013, 23:38, Reply)

Religious types who argue with science types
and use religious dogma as some kind of trump card against hard proven facts.

My dear old ma is closer to God than I will ever be, so I'm not about to try and disabuse her of her faith this close to the final curtain (who am I kidding, she'll be here another 20 or 30 years at least) but we've had some discussions, I the science flag bearer and she the Jesus lover.

Her opening Gambit- 'Where did the world come from if God didn't make it?'

Me: 'A conglomeration of rock bunched together from an accretion disc of matter that formed in a gravitational orbit around the sun.'

Her: 'And where did the sun come from?'

Me: 'Hydrogen atoms forming a dense cloud until the compression initiating fusion'

Her: 'And where did the hydrogen come from in the first place?'

Me: 'All matter was created in the big bang'

Her: 'AND WHO MADE THAT HAPPEN?'

Me:.......er...no one.


Which used to piss me off, as she thought she had won. Except later on I found an answer in science-

'It happened because of random fluctuations in the fabric of quantum space/time'.

I ask:- what of Dinosaur fossils? 'Put there by God to test the faithful. Funny patterns in rock which scientists present in a certain way to confuse us and get more funding for their 'work''

I ask Why has He not shown himself? 'God needs faith, faith needs no proof. Proof would be the opposite of faith, therefore to save us from hell, he can never prove to us He exists.'

He apparently seemed fairly happy to appear in a burning bush, personally smited a lot of Philistines, took Jesus on a reverse bungee up to heaven in front of witnesses. And then there's the 'miracles'. I think I saw some of these mind control techniques used in, oh what was it, 'The Wizard Of Oz'?

Says she, 'The Bible is proof of God's will.'

But it was passed down as an oral tradition for hundreds of years, translated several times, is still 'interpreted' even after all this but it's OK, because God causes people's thoughts to go the way he wants them to. I think that's what SHitler and countless other megalomaniacs said to themselves.

There was also that unbelievable attempt at spin-doctoring where some bishop said that noncery by the church was a good thing because it taught the victims valuable lessons about forgiveness.

Religion being about guilt and control and submission and indoctrination is not a basis for any free-thinking person. Sheep away if you will but don't try your rubbish marketing techniques on me.

Oh, and if Jesus and God and Judgement Day are unprovable bollocks then I'm hardly going to agree that ghosts/tarot/horoscopes/homeopathy/crystal healing are valid topics for discussion.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Sat 12 Oct 2013, 23:36, 7 replies)

M
GH pub photo pupilH Honolulu 68
mm
b Ben
Pp mullion
Pfpp glutton, topGothicism uphill
ac
IBP Saracen rt tuff urging denegation JP
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sat 12 Oct 2013, 23:35, 5 replies)

been away a while, returning with a story...
back at uni, and to use the lingo of the boards...

~~~wavy lines~~~

me and Lady Edward were deep asleep in a shared 7 bed house in deepest darkest studentville, Plymouth. Our house had split into two factions, the chilled out laid back crowd and the uptight crowd who would freak out at any opportunity with a total failure to see sense or reason. Us, being chilled out, had had a nice evening in and gone to bed, all cosey and comfey and asleep we were awoken by the (shitfaced) uptight unreasonables outside my first floor bedroom being unreasonably loud and raucous, I took a deep breath and presumed they were going back out.

They didn't, it was late, I was tired, Lady Edward had been awoken, in a very English fashion I opened my door on the raucous crowd and asked them, politely, to keep it down as we were asleep and would prefer to go back to sleep.

They (well, the housemates, not their friends, their friends seemed quite understanding, assuming that the guy in his kecks, bleary eyed at the door of his dark bedroom would have rathered to have not been awake but was going to be polite in requesting a bit of quiet) went apeshit, the male started to get very uppetty, shouting etc until I got furious, I declared that violent threats were not very Bhuddist of him (he was a 'Buddhist' apparently) and might have called him a 'Fat Welsh C**t' at the time. He didn't take too kindly to this and spent the next 5 minutes with his fist parked 8 inches from my face whilst I stood unfazed and unthreatened shouting back at him.

They left soon after, he failed to look hard in front of his friends, I went back to sleep (after a cigarette and a hug) and I was left with the feeling of how irrational he had been after I calmly asked to keep the noise down.

tl:dr - person I lived in a house with got exceedingly cross after I calmly asked that they quieten down after they woke me up at around 2am.
(saint_edward, Sat 12 Oct 2013, 23:34, 19 replies)

A load of folk just like Enzyme turned up on here once.
A rush o' nullo people.
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Sat 12 Oct 2013, 22:59, 1 reply)

I remember this time we were swimming in the canal, and Albert fell into some nettles.
That was a rash on Al.
( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Sat 12 Oct 2013, 19:35, 6 replies)

another cousin
decided to send me a text yesterday to tell me she thought my behaviour was disgusting, she didn't like my attitude and if i came near her, she'd have me arrested for assault.
what had i done to deserve this? i'd opened my aunt's front door to let her(my cousin) in, but hadn't said hello.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sat 12 Oct 2013, 16:17, 7 replies)

Happy fucking Clappers!
About a decade ago my monster-in-law Rhonda did the whole "born again religion" thing. That in itself wasn't such a big surprise - this is the same lady whose more than once had screaming sweary tantrums in the middle of the road after not getting her way, amidst many, many other strange and unexplained behaviours.
But she went and joined these guys. To Aussies - think Hillsong on a smaller, more regional scale.

Not only did she join them, she started tithing them money. Now her and my father in law at that point were both driving a taxi and often rarely had a spare penny to rub. Yet they gave a percentage of their earnings to this church. You guys already know how I feel about tithing.
Then there came the "hangers on" - she had numerous strangers at her house for bible study meetings where I regularly watched grown adults literally babble incoherently as they were 'speaking in tongues' in front of their often surprised and bemused children.
Included in the "hangers on" were a few people of questionable repute. I ceased allowing my daughter to see her grandma when her grandmother was letting a registered sex offender to her daily house prayer meetings to "pray for redemption."
This was around the time that Rhonda decided to pay an exorbitant fee to the church so she she could do a Bible Study course. Hence the daily and weekly study sessions with the rest of the circus. Often at the expense of spending time with her own school aged kids. Supposedly the course was accredited. No idea what job she was going to get with that accreditation but non-the-less.

I went to a couple of her churches exultant, joyful services (know thine enemy and all that). It was the sing-ingest, dancing-est happy clapping-est church service you could imagine. Big rock band, gospel singers and people losing it all over the place.
Scary as shit.
On top of that was the constant attempts by Rhonda and her cronies to try and convert anyone within earshot to their beliefs. It was like they were going to "earn" their way into heaven thru commission. By converting as many souls as possible.

My personal view is - the right to believe in your religious institution stops where my right NOT to believe in it begins.
Maybe I'm the irrational person?
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Sat 12 Oct 2013, 9:53, 22 replies)

Take a trip to A&E ladies and gentlemen
We have a VERY ill person in resus with LOTS of doctors and nurses all battling to save the life of poorly person.
Then we have irrational person whom has no real medical issues but just continuously comes in because they are poorly after drinking 3 or 4 bottles of wine.
They demand treatment (there actually is no treatment physically apart from fluids, maybe parvolex if you are a regular drinker).
They screech, shout and demand help. But there is nothing you can do, even when they are pulling your arm when you are just about to race off to resus with items that might just help the nearly dying person...

Or those who walk off after being told they have about an hour wait for a sprained ankle because "we are quite busy tonight with a lot of older people with chest / cardiac / fall etc etc etc issues"
They walk out the department without telling anyone. Irrational? Why the feck come to A&E with a crappy complaint, waste our time them bugger off without telling anyone (which means we have to search for them).

I love irrational people.

NOT.
( Tesco Quality 60.825659, -0.788337, Sat 12 Oct 2013, 3:31, 13 replies)

I've just been for a piss.
Not a major event in any life really.
But I Live on my own and, while enjoying said voiding of bladder, I burped. That's it, I burped.
There was no thundering fart, no embarrassing follow through, just a simple eructation.
Why the fucking fuck did I say out loud, "Excuse me!"?
Am I irrational or just socially conditioned?
(Docofair, Fri 11 Oct 2013, 23:10, 12 replies)

Conference North Football Fan
I support a football team who plays in the 6th tier of football.

Shit I have done include the following:-

- Go to the arse end of nowhere (otherwise known as Boston, Lincolnshire)
- Go to the other arse end of nowhere (Oxford) in the hope they beat third arse end of nowhere (Lowestoft) so they don't get promoted.
- Go to Eindhoven, just to jump on a ferry to Lowestoft, because a) it is marginally cheaper and b) we drew Lowestoft in a cup that means sod all.
- Write a letter to the Football Association because they haven't released the 3rd Qualifying Round fixture of the FA Cup before 11:30.
- Campaigned outside the ground of our nearest rivals when they were going bust because "it was a nice thing to do"
- Gone to Nuneaton.

Sunday I fly out to Belgium to watch Wales play football and to sing East 17 songs to Craig Bellamy. It is completely irrational and daft, but try and talk me out of it and I will rip your balls off.
(rhyswynne - on every social network mullarkey known to man, Fri 11 Oct 2013, 22:44, 2 replies)

Mumsnet
It's a dangerously addictive pool of raving, gibbering insanity. Sunglasses on head, obsessive, paranoid women career down the information superhighway in their virtual BMW X5s, touching reality only occasionally and with a shudder of revulsion.

The penis beaker was at the sane end of Mumsnet.
(ubergeekian, Fri 11 Oct 2013, 22:08, 3 replies)

Easy one this...
Only last week:

Girlfriend: "Can you hoover the living room before the cleaner gets here?"

Me: "Why???"

Girlfriend: "Because I don't want her thinking we live in a dirty house.."

Me: "..."
( HoratioFellatio Taking the the out of psychotherapist, Fri 11 Oct 2013, 20:33, 5 replies)