Moon monkey's post about the moon has just reminded me of this...
I spent a couple of hours chatting to a guy last summer over a few beers, due to him being a friend of a friend. The conversation turned to chemtrails, whereupon he spent quite some time telling me what they're *actually* for. Not mind controlling drugs, or fertility inhibitors, or poisons, or anything like that.

No.

Apparently, what's really happening is they're seeding the sky with microscopic particles which will float there and turn the sky into a gigantic cinema screen, onto which will be projected "Whatever they want us to see - the return of Jesus, an alien invasion, whatever they want".

The reason for this is to create a global panic, which will then lead to the announcement of martial law, whereupon the New World Order will arise and lead us all into slavery.

Sounds perfectly rational to me...
( skullfunkerry In case of implosion do not look into implosion, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 13:26, 16 replies)

My boss.
Seriously, he expects me to do some WORK while winning important internet arguments?
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 11:28, 10 replies)

Moon Hoax
This isn't (directly) about people who think that the Apollo Moon landings were faked. They're not (necessarily) irrational, just ignorant, gullible and too lazy to actually think about it properly.

I discovered that one of my work-mates was one of these poor deluded fools, but he was also someone who was interested in an intellectual debate over a couple of beers. I was happy to oblige, and told him to gather any supposed evidence he could find, so I could point out why it was invalid.

He duly turned up at the pub with some printouts from a website he'd found. I started to read it, looking for all the usual cliches - no stars in the sky (chuckle), flag waving (chortle), wrong shadow directions (guffaw). But it quickly became apparent that this was something different, and far stranger.

The website he'd found was claiming, apparently seriously, that the Moon itself didn't actually exist. The fact that we think we can see it in the sky was an illusion, a conspiracy perpetrated by the shadowy powers that control our lives. Yes, the Moon is a hoax. Clearly we can't have landed on it, since it doesn't exist.

I have to admit that I found it hard to know where to start with my rebuttal...
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 11:10, 25 replies)

An Ode to my Greatest Fan.
There is a fellow
whom I've come across
He is not mellow
and his tales are gross.

He's taken to
copying my posts
they smell like poo
but about them, he boasts.

Whether hacking emails
Or taxiing damsels in distress
His list of fails
By others have become a digest.

He seems to like me
and that is cool
altho it's creepy
and he acts the fool

I salute you Alby Marshmallow
Beware your new friends
Despite your mind being fallow
I'm sure your property prices are on the mend!

EDIT:
Shit poem written whilst drinking beer
Makes this post seem very queer.
Altho it is crap
At least I didn't write it after taking a nap!
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:20, 30 replies)

I believe
That I am important, and that people on the internet care about my opinions.
( MatJ LOOK, Tue 15 Oct 2013, 0:52, 17 replies)

People who use the Imperial system of measurement.
Why do some countries or organisations stick to this archaic system whereby you have to calculate how many smaller units make up a bigger unit? And it differs depending on what quality you are measuring.

For weight we have 16 ounces make 1 pound, 14 pounds make 1 stone, and 160 stones in 1 ton. Then for distance we have 1 inch (which is divided into 16ths), 12 inches make 1 foot, 3 feet make 1 yard, 1760 (wtf?) yards make up 1 mile!

Can we not just stick to moving the decimal point up/down or would that be too hard for all the people who grew up in the bronze age? I really don't understand peoples arguments for it, OK you may have been educated with this system and had to use it before the government change (most) things into metric, but ffs we don't count in binary in our heads, so why is simply 1/1000th, 1, 1000, so hard to understand? It's how we were taught to count! When we were 2! Before we even knew what a measurement was!
(Panzerfaust, Mon 14 Oct 2013, 22:46, 58 replies)

Cyclists.
For fuck's sake, you're a menace to everyone else and a danger to yourself. Get a PROPER fucking vehicle you bunch of lycra-clad cunts.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Mon 14 Oct 2013, 20:46, 12 replies)

Chinese people are illational.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 14 Oct 2013, 20:44, 9 replies)

What I hate is people who answer old questions
but I love the British sense of irony.
(Roger McGough-Pipe, Mon 14 Oct 2013, 20:16, Reply)

People complaining about the NHS and why healthcare is better abroad
Admittedly inspired by a post last week, but fits here rather well.

I'm personally in the "yay NHS" camp, but I acknowledge not everyone agrees with me. I realise that those with horror stories have a right to their opinion that maybe the NHS isn't so great and we would be better off with private insurance because the UK system of NHS only and private insurance being BANNED BY LAW means we do loose out on access to some of the higher quality.

Wait, what's the Skippy? Private medical insurance in the UK isn't BANNED BY LAW in the UK?

That's right, if you hate the NHS, fuck off and take out private insurance. I fail to see what's wrong with having both options. If you're complaining because the NHS sucks and you can't afford private, on what planet would you get the private stuff at NHS prices? Bothered about your taxes paying for it? Technically they do, but due to the NHS private insurance is actually pretty good value in the UK because it has to compete with free rather than "go away and die", which is less popular than "free". So you're no worse off, probably better.
(GothicTechie, Mon 14 Oct 2013, 18:33, 26 replies)

You know that David Icke, right?
Well what I reckon happened is this. There's these two extra-dimensional lizard beings having a bit of a relax then up pops David, having smoked some DMTs.

"Oh fucking hell, we didn't put DMT on Earth so that crashing wankers like him can come and clog up our astral plane with their nonsense"

"I know, he's putting me right off my universe-folding"

"Here, what I'm going to do is jump out at him, bare my teeth and tell him I'm the Queen of England"

"That would be well lol"
(Eukanuba, Mon 14 Oct 2013, 16:57, 26 replies)

This family of three came to my door one day - a man and woman in their 30s, and their young lad who must have been about 10.
I'd been smoking a LOAD of hashes, and was really tripping.

They were on about some god BULLSHIT or something - I couldn't really hear over the DEF LEPPARD I had playing at top volume on my MARSHALL STACKS, but they were trying to hand me a leaflet that looked like it had a picture of Jesus on it.

I sighed heavily with the burden of having to explain to another bunch of IRRATIONAL THICK CULTISTS about how atheism is the only true way, and that my COMPLETELY INDEPENDENT THINKING and STUDY OF SCIENCE had brought me to the CORRECT conclusion that THERE IS NO GOD! DUMBASSES!

But instead I had an idea.

I crouched down low, pushing my hair out from over my eyes, and straightening my WHITESNAKE T-SHIRT, and I fixed the young boy with my gaze.

Here, I thought, I could plant a seed, perhaps. I could right some of the wrongs his parents' IDIOT THINKING were doing to this vulnerable young man.

Taking a deep breath, I SCREAMED AS LOUDLY AS I COULD at him, SLAMMED my head into his face, and KNOCKED HIM INTO NEXT WEEK.

Hopefully, somewhere along the lines, I'll have done some good.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 14 Oct 2013, 16:47, 9 replies)

Jehovah's Witness came to the door I showed them, I told them I was
Jewish. LOLZ

Next time I told them I were gay. SUPERLOLS
Well fucking hard me.

No, a Jehovah's Witness and his family came to the door. I am always super polite and stated that I wasn't interested in their deist waffle. We had a frank discussion regarding their view (their theological interpretation of the bible.) We found no common ground. I was shocked by the parting shot of the ten year old boy in relation to creation and evolution (I had hinted that this was a better explanation of existence than god). The ten year old shouted, "IT IS ALL LIES, YOU ARE A LIAR!" Father and mother looked suitably pleased until I issued my brilliant riposte, "Oh fuck off." I win.

That's riposte not pea roast - btw.
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Mon 14 Oct 2013, 13:56, 26 replies)

I was 8, and my brother told me
that gravity was linked to how big the Earth is. I told this to my friend whose dad overheard me. He came over to us and told me that "No it isn't, it's because of the weight of the air pushing us down". Being 8, I didn't have the wherewithal to get into a discussion about wrong he was. However, if I tried to point out all the holes in his idea, the B3ta mods would probably go bankrupt having to pay for all the extra hard drive space.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 14 Oct 2013, 13:29, 14 replies)

My mother is SO irrational!
Back in '96 just before I hit the big four-oh, I made my first - and what turned out to my last - trip to London. We had to go see my grandparents, something about needing their signatures on documents that would allow ma to legally disinherit me. Can't say that bit was fun - but hey-ho, who's gonna turn down a freebie trip to pommieland?

Whilst ma busied herself at the fancy legal-eagle place, she sent me packing with a shiny new £1 coin and told me go get lunch. I was flabbergasted and almost wet myself with excitement! It had only taken nearly 40 years but ma had finally let me have MY OWN MONEY, to spend HOW I WANTED! Maybe, I thought, just maybe, if I could show her how responsible I was by buying lunch and returning to the correct place, at the correct time, wearing ALL my clothes, she might just hold off on giving away all my inheritance.

Off I set on my mission. I wandered around a bit and found myself near Leicester Square. There were burger bars, kebab shops, cafes - loads of places for an starving Aussie to get some tucker. I went into a kebab place and ordered a huge doner with all the trimmings. But the bugger wanted five pounds for it. I told him I only had one pound coin and he started laughing at me. I asked him what I could get for one coin and he gave me a bit of bread with chilli sauce. It was disgusting! But I showed him! I ran off with my pound STILL IN MY POCKET!

Now I was hungry AND broke. I wandered around a bit more and started to notice something - all these poms were just chucking their rubbish on the street, there were no bloody bins! Bonza! The road outside McDonalds yielded 12 squashed nuggets, two half-eaten Big Macs and shit-loads of milkshake remains. I was stuffed. And all for free! But there was more, I found a mountain of pizza crusts outside another place, there were so many that I stuffed a load in me rucksack for ma.

Things were looking up. I could head back to the fancy lawyer's office with my pound coin AND a free lunch for ma everyone else. As I was stuffing the last load of crusts into my baggie, a dirty old grogged-up tramp started harassing me. He kept shouting that they were HIS pizza crusts and that I had stolen them. I mean what a flaming moron, eh? Anyone could see they were mine - I'd put them in MY bag. But the tramp kept coming at me, shouting even louder that I'd nicked his dinner.

Well I wasn't having this. I placed the bag down and faced him head on. He swung at me, missed and fell on the ground next to me. Well of course I wasted no time. I was completely naked in under six seconds, and grabbing my greasy cock in one hand, I pissed all over the filthy fucker! But then this cunt gets up and screams something like 'Ah, so it's a pissing contest you're wanting?' And the bastard pulls off his kecks and starts pissing on ME! Can you bloody believe it? He also managed to drench all me clobber! Fuck this, I thought and grabbed my bag and rand off down the road, leaving my piss-soaked gear on the pavement.

When I arrived back at the legal place, I ignored the sheila on the front desk and ran up to find ma in the offices. There she was standing over a big old oak desk with a fancy pen in her hand. The lawyer-bloke was saying something like, 'Are you sure Mrs F****olme? You know you don't have to do this.' And that's when I called out to her.

'Don't do it ma!' I screamed. 'Look, I'm back, AND I've got lunch for us all AND I've still got my pound coin!'

Ma and the fancy bloke looked up at me. Ma weren't happy to see me without clothes again but she didn't know what I had in my bag! I ran over to the big old desk and dumped 100's of pizza crusts all over it.

'Look ma! Free lunch!'

I flopped onto one of the chairs and looked up at them smiling. Then for good measure I placed the pound coin perfectly in the centre of the desk.

Ma looked at me strangely. 'Yes Mr Caruthers,' she said, 'I am quite sure I want to do this.'

And with that she signed a few pages and walked calmly out of the office. Never saw her again after that.

The Caruthers chap made a call, 'Please can you come and escort Mr F****olme out of the building, get someone to clean up this godawful mess, and for crying out loud, find the man some clothes.'

And that's how I found myself wearing a suit 3x too small for me, stinking of piss and sleeping in Leicester Square.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Mon 14 Oct 2013, 12:55, 14 replies)

Muslims.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 14 Oct 2013, 12:44, 5 replies)

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Mon 14 Oct 2013, 12:40, 4 replies)

I fancied this guy, so I got off with my brother.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 14 Oct 2013, 12:32, Reply)

Alternative medicine
An acquaintance, lets call him Dave again, recently got pink eye. Dave tried the lot to get rid of it - acupuncture, homeopathy, reflexology, herbalism, prayer. Instead of getting better, the infection just got worse and worse until at last he agreed to seek conventional medical care. By now, it was oozing pus like a cream pie compilation so it was off to the ER with him. They pumped him full of antibiotics but the infection was so advanced that he was told there was no way they could save the eye. Then, as luck would have it, one of the leading tissue grafting specialists happened to be visiting the hospital at that time and also happened to hear about the case. Within 24 hours he had had his eye removed and grafted onto his foot to keep it viable whilst the antibiotics did their work. Unfortunately, by the time the infection had cleared the specialist who performed the original surgery had died in an appalling accident involving a Segway and a 44,000 gallon saltwater pool. So now every time Dave puts on a pair of socks he is reminded how his belief in Alternative Medicine nonsense resulted in EYE RASH TOE NAIL PEEPHOLE.
( wakeupandsmellthebacon, Mon 14 Oct 2013, 12:12, 6 replies)

Vicarious Living.
Having coached my daughter's soccer and teeball teams now for a few years I've seen some truly irrational and inappropriate behaviour.

I've had to escort 2 dads off the pitch after they had a verbal and then physical altercation over whether a player was offside. At an Under 6's games, where there are 4x4 players and NO offside rules. In front of their kids and ALL the other parents. On a pitch about 1/6th the size of a full sized pitch. One of them refused to leave the ground until I threatened to call the cops (as per club protocol).

I watched a dad berate his son continually after he *just* missed scoring a goal, having tackled an opposition player to get the ball, run with it, passed it a couple of times and then been in place for a beautiful cross and shoot. I made sure he got man of the match.

I've had a dad who worked away 5 weeks and 1 off. He was on the committee. Every 6 weeks he'd turn up in his committee shirt to tell all and sundry that he was "in the committee" and do little else.
One week I pointed out another dad to him. One that had been going out onto the diamond every single week to tell the young players where their positions were. Not once did I ask that dad to do that - he simply saw a need and filled it. And he wasn't on the committee!

I've had an opposition teams parent screaming and shouting at me because I've asked them to move from behind our goal as they've been yelling at their players and our goalie. Even though I've pointed out that it's against the rules.

Kids + Sport (seems to) = Irrational behaviour from some parents. Particularly those parents who are trying desperately to relive their youth via their children.

What's really scary is how much more full-on it gets as kids get older!
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Mon 14 Oct 2013, 11:22, 12 replies)

Drunk and disoriented
I was fairly irrational and got on Mrs Ducks nerves this weekend I had to share

I met up with an old friend in Bristol and got very pissed. Unfortunately the village where I live doesn't have a late bus service. And a taxi costs a stupendous amount of money. So I got a bus that got me close and walked along a cycle track to my village.

On the walk home the cycle track was pitch black. I just put my iPod on a bimbled along. I thought it was taking me a long time to get to the place where I leave the track but for some reason (cider) I kept on going. At this point I must have disassociated from conscience thought because I realised when I snapped back I had left the cycle track and I didn't know where I was. For some reason(cider) I didn't go back the way I came I continued to walk trying to find out where I was. At this point for some reason(cider) I tripped over a kerb with my hands in my pockets and face- planted the tarmac (split lip, nose bleed (no tissue), broke glasses).


I begged a lift off someone who obviously turned down the opportunity to spend any time with a very drunk bloke covered in blood.
I continued to wander about trying to find out where the fuck I was then Mrs Duck phones to find out where the fuck I am .... an uncomfortable conversation followed. She hung up fully intending to leave me to it but rang back, asked me what I could see (not much... no glasses and very pissed seeing wasn't one of my strong points) She eventually worked our where I was because of a garden centre and came and got me (and she had to wake up and bring my 8yr old daughter). To say I'm in the dog house is an understatement I may be forgiven about march next year.
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Mon 14 Oct 2013, 11:03, 7 replies)

That Paula Radcliffe
should have a T-shirt to commemorate her London Marathon toilet incident. It might say

"I race showing all pee, pal"
(ubergeekian, Mon 14 Oct 2013, 10:59, 5 replies)

Blah blah blah
irrational people.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 14 Oct 2013, 10:52, Reply)

Blah blah west country stripper that limits voyeurism
'Er ration all peep 'ole.
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Mon 14 Oct 2013, 10:35, Reply)

"OCD".

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 14 Oct 2013, 7:37, 15 replies)

I recently bought one of these. now everything makes perfect sense
http://www.amazon.com/BAGGY-WORKOUT-PANTS-USA-FLAG-PRINT/dp/B001KWAGXI
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Mon 14 Oct 2013, 2:14, 2 replies)

Being as loads of people are going on about religion
The evidence really is so complete as to be beyond question, yet people somehow still manage to believe that God does not exist. We accept the stories of our past, seen through the eyes of "science"-biased archaeologists, and never question as to whether or not they may be a little selective with their evidence. Well, I can tell you they are - the evidence that could clearly prove the Bible as the literal word of God is frequently suppressed. Are any of you sheeple aware that they found the Ark two years ago? Of course not. This monumental discovery was so completely buried by Big Academia that it appeared only in National Geographic, and was therefore read by only twelve people.

And I bet you didn't know that earlier this year, archaeologists digging in Lebanon (identified in Ezekiel 31 as the location of the Garden of Eden) found a perfect coprolite. Not just perfectly preserved, but perfect - and consequently they sent it to the lab for testing. ¹⁴C dating suggests the year of 4018BC for its creation and subsequent deposit - around the time Adam partook of the Forbidden Fruit, as irrefutably shown by Archbishop James Ussher. A momentous find, and yet one you will not have heard of - thanks again to "science" - even though there can be no doubt, given its location, age, and preternatural perfection, that this archetype of a coprolite is indeed the Original Poo-pile.
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Sun 13 Oct 2013, 23:42, 16 replies)

Walking to the tube station with the missus the other week
Ahead of us was a large woman (think Amorous Badger's type) wearing a distinctive blue and red dress that rang a faint bell with me for some reason. I asked my better half:
"Don't you have a dress with that pattern?"
"Are you saying I'm fat?"
"..."
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Sun 13 Oct 2013, 21:53, 2 replies)