Magic Words - parking ticket - get out of jail free!
I don't need to tell a jobsworth story - I you ever get a parking ticket on a single or double yellow line check that they have bars at the end. If not, take a piccy and cut and paste these magic words. They have got me off five times so far!

The form of signs and road markings are prescribed by the Traffic Signs Regulations and General Directions 2002 (the Regulations). The Diagrams showing single and double yellow lines are 1017 and 1018 respectively. Both clearly show a T-bar at one end of the yellow line(s). The tables under the Diagrams, at item 4, contain the entry, "Permitted variants: None".

The Regulations therefore permit no variation to the form of the yellow line(s) as shown in the Diagrams, and a T-bar must appear wherever the yellow line stops and starts, for whatever reason. The road markings in question do not conform to this prescribed form and thus have no legal force whatsoever. They terminate at a point where there are no further restrictions in force but do not have the prescribed T bar ending. This violates both the regulations and usual practice. For this reason any parking tickets given on this stretch of road cannot be valid.

Go on, front page - you know you want to.
( EasyCheese, Fri 13 May 2005, 20:27, Reply)

FAO Occasional Poster
Double jobsworth bonus here - me for posting this, and our trainer for actually saying it.

I used to work for HSBC and in the induction the trainer asked us "so what do you think HSBC stands for?". Obviously a couple of us who actually read the papers etc smugly answered "Hong Kong & Shanghai Banking Corporation". To which our trainer replied "no, it doesn't actually stand for anything".

WTF?! There is a logical explanation somewhere but it was lost in the confusion. I think it did mean that before, but being global nobjocks now they don't want to associate with just a small part of the world. Goons.

Apologies for boringness and pedanticity.
(ryry, Fri 13 May 2005, 20:09, Reply)

My form tutor
The most anally retentive bitch I have ever had the displeasure of dealing with. She realy looked the part of an uptight teacher as well - huge glasses, blouses buttoned up to the neck - as if she'd never had an orgasm.

I had her for R.E. in Years 8 and 9, when she had this complete obsession with paragraphs - all the reports I got from her banged on about how I needed to "work on paragraphing skills" so of course I wrote all my essays in one paragraph just to piss her off. Come parents' evening she had contracted apoplexy as a result of this. I was her last appointment of the evening, when she banged on about the importance of paragraphs for a good 20 minutes. All the other teachers had gone home already and the caretakers were desperate to get home too, so they started sweeping up around us in the hopes that she would get the message. Then they turned the lights out. Then they stood right in front of her tapping their feet and glancing at their watches. Mrs Paragraph continued unabated whilst my parents and I stifled giggles - this pissed her off even more!

The best story about her was from Year 11 though. Mrs Paragraph was the head of health education but was uncharacteristically disorganised about it, making members of her form do lowly admin tasks for her. Cow. Anyway, one lunchtime she cornered me and gave me an important task - sorting a load of jumbled up STD leaflets into piles. I'd been working on this for a while, when she came up to me and uttered the immortal line, "I've got herpes, chlamydia, gonorrhea and syphillis. What have you got?" I couldn't help laughing like a maniac at this and said, "I haven't got anything, thankyou very much!" thinking that of course, she couldn't fail to see the funny side of it. Wrong! After being stared at inomprehensibly for several seconds it dawned on me that her sense of humour must have been surgically removed along with her personality.
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Fri 13 May 2005, 19:52, Reply)

My new belt!
A few days ago (Tuesday I think) I got a brand spanking new belt, one of those ones where the buckle can be removed. Anyway, I'm in the cubicle at college, readying myself for a shit. Having first put toilet paper all over the seat, I proceed to remove my pants. However, my belt needed some force to remove as I had done it quite tightly. Unfortunately, this force made the buckle come off, and it flew straight into the bowl. I first think "Fuck it, just leave it there" but then realise that it was the first time I had worn the fucker, so I wasn't gonna give up that easily. Ever the quick thinker, I decide to go straight in with my hand. Fortunately, the toilet brush catches my eye before I commit the deed.

I lifted the brush, but it was dripping wet in what I can only imagine was piss, so i wrapped the brush part in bog roll, so that I could fish the buckle out with the handle. I am successful in my plight, and scoop the buckle off the floor with my hand (ready wrapped in bog roll). I wash the buckle in the sink, and then have my well-deserved shit.

I'm not sure what relevance any of this has, but I though that you might like to know of my tale.
(Keiths Dad, Fri 13 May 2005, 19:23, Reply)

NHS managers...
...utter cunts.

3 Days previous.
My mate discharges home a patient and books an outpatient appointment for them.

No appointment cards avaliable as we are waiting for a new lot to be delivered.

Clair writes down time/date of appointment on a piece of paper.

Patient's relative writes appointment down in diary.

Junior manager sees this and reports Clair to senior manager for 'not giving the appointment on the correct paperwork'.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 13 May 2005, 19:18, Reply)

once at college
this jobsworth of a bus driver took my bus pass of me because it was out of date - it cost £25 to get a new one - and i was fucked if i was gonna do that!

what got me was every other driver didnt give a toss - it meant nothing to them if i jumped the bus or not. idiot!!
( Rev. Jesse. broke his ankle, Fri 13 May 2005, 18:50, Reply)

Much like poster "Thathitsthemark"...
I've had my fair share of run-ins with bus drivers.
Right, i used to get the bus into town EVERY weekday, and it was always the same driver. He never said much, but hey, you cant argue.
One day, totally unnanouced the fair went up 30p, i scraped around in my pockets, and was 1p short. He had seen me every weekday for the last 6 months, and wouldnt let me pay him back the day after "incase i didnt come back". I phoned up later and complained about him.
Then about 2 weeks after, on a school bus this time, the driver was at school, and wouldnt let anyone off the bus because someone had insulted him, and was sat there beeping his horn waiting for a teacher to come out and "sort us out". 3 of us had an exam, and were already cutting it close, but he was having none of it - saying it was protocol to get a name of any person who was rude to the bus driver. So yep, we fled through the emergency exit door, giggling like schoolgirls as we ran, hearing him beep more furiously than before
(Nyphur, Fri 13 May 2005, 18:29, Reply)

Make your own
hey is monster munch's reply a formula to make up your own story? like one of those make your own story books.

No? ok. ill go home now
(Mr Moo Cow - HairyBeef, Fri 13 May 2005, 18:19, Reply)

basingstoke twuntmaster general!
i met one of the most might jobsworths on the planet when i took a trip down to farnborough from brum

as there is no direct route i had to geta train to basingstoke and then another to farnborough

well... as i get into basingstoke i think...right...best go find out what platform and time the train is...

i show me jobsworth my ticket...which is different to the southern tickets as it is not slide in and read compatible due to the skankability of the midlands trains service

"thats to farnborough mate" he says as he insects my ticket

"yeah i know, i just need to check the times and platform of the next train to farnborough"

"no... you cant do that son"! (SON!!!?? WTF bearing in mind im 22...the only people who can call me that are my mar par and the police!)

"why not?" i asked

"cant have people doing that"

"HUH"???

he then proceeds to call his mate over and his mate then tells me i have an hour wait till the next train on platform number 4

to which point i needed to buy me some *wink* parecetamol from the chemist just over the road

"what do you need to go to the chemist for?" he asks

to which i was rather annoyed and decided to engage sarcasm mode

"to get some forceps to remove your head from your arse"

at which point i just snapped my ticket out of his hand and walked past him.

on the way back 5 mins before the train was due i just flicked him the bird and walked straight past him!!....he knew who i was so felt no need to show him my ticket!

thankfully he wasnt there for the return leg!
(roasted sultana, Fri 13 May 2005, 17:44, Reply)

This still makes me laugh
On a bus down Camden Road in the morning rush hour. We crawl along and eventually the bus stop is in view. The Terminus. Cue jobsworth. A number of passengers ask him to open the door and he's having none of it because his bus isn't at the stop yet. More people join in and the atmosphere is getting tense. Jobsworth laps it up and the doors remain closed. We move a few more inches towards the stop and still we remain captive. I spot the emergency door release and make my bid for freedom. The doors open and the alarm sounds and there is a mass exodus. I can still see the driver's red face and hear his driver's muffled expletives as I walked by feeling like a hero.
(thathitsthemark, Fri 13 May 2005, 17:07, Reply)

Yet another anti Stagecoach post
I got on the Stagecoach, number 86 from Chorlton to Manchester City Centre (I'm not an artist or lesbian if any of you mancs are wondering). I pulled my Megarider out of my wallet and realised it was out of date so was about to put it back in my pocket and pay for a new one. However, the woman bus driver started screaming at me that I was trying to sneak on the bus with an invalid bus pass. I said, quite calmly, that I hadn't realised it was out of date and was about to buy a new one. The mentalist driver notched her anger level up a notch or two and refused to let me on the bus as she was fed up with people trying to rip her off. I repeated that I was sorry and wasn't meaning to diddle her. She still wouldn't let me on but I wasn't going to get off as I hadn't done anything wrong.

Just realised this story is getting long and is quite boring so I'll get to the 'punchline'...

I asked for her name and driver number so I could complain, she refused but let me on for free! I felt good.

DT

P.S. why do I always need to fart whenever I get into a lift?
(Fully Goyle what?, Fri 13 May 2005, 16:48, Reply)

My mum was wanking me off with my headphones
which were covered in chilli, while she was having a cup of tea in the back of an ice cream van.
(Flagrant Tendencies, Fri 13 May 2005, 16:45, Reply)

Another stagecoach rant
maybe this is people being jobsworthy (is that a word??) maybe just ignorance...

anyway, i find this happens particulalry on stagecoach buses:

coming from ireland, i usually have some northern irish notes with me when i return to beloved manchester. so when i try to pay my bus fare with a nothern irish fiver theyll say, sorry we dont take irish notes....

to which ill have to explain that its sterling and therefore legal tender.

to which theyll ususally reply: sorry mate, no irish notes. at which point i take out my Ak and pop a cap in his candy ass (or her, im not sexist)

no apologies for length. ever.

[EDIT] yeah i hate stagecoach too. flocking over priced gay ass service. although some of teh bus drivers are pretty dead on, so theyre not too bad. even if some of them do take the big one. and people ALWAYS smoke the reefer on the top deck. flocking chavs.

i really need a wank.
(Mr Moo Cow - HairyBeef, Fri 13 May 2005, 16:27, Reply)

HSBC
Pssst - Roothegrockle - It's "Hong-Kong Shanghai Banking Corporation"

RE: (because I don't know what HSBC stands for).
(Soupy Twist BEST BEFORE:, Fri 13 May 2005, 16:09, Reply)

To Mr. Salt Lake
One word: MORMONS. What else can I say? My condolences. And I hope the beer was worth it;)
(moonfire38, Fri 13 May 2005, 15:41, Reply)

Stagecoach
Some others were blasting this sodding company so I thought I'd join in. Even though it is bus drivers in general who are utter twats, Stagecoach in particular deserves to be flogged for their business practices. Also, the head of this Perth based company (Brian Souter) poured money into a homophobic ad campaign when the Scottish Parliament had the audacity to get rid of Section 28. I digress.

A mate of mine called Andy tried to catch a bus home. Since his house is in the middle of nowhere, there's only a bus once every two hours. The bus driver won't let him on with a £10 note (this was late afternoon, not first thing in the morning) as he doesn't have change.

Andy: "I don't have anything else."
Twunt: "You'll have to go to the bus station office and get change then."

So off my mate goes to get change.

Helpful Station Chappy: "You shouldn't have to get change. If the driver doesn't have any it's his job to get some."

So Andy is slightly pissed off but goes to catch the bus. Only it's already gone. He goes back to the helpful station guy who then gets the twunt on the phone and makes the bus come back to the station. Twunt and passengers alike are pissed off. What annoys me is that people refuse to accept responsibility for their actions. The bus driver was totally at fault but that didn't stop him effing and jeffing.

And in closing, not so much jobsworth but... for *years* I bought a return ticket between my two most common places of residence. I was starting to get pissed off at the rising price tag (£7.80 at the last purchase). One day the ticket machine wouldn't print out the return I wanted.

Bus Driver: "Sorry mate, it's not working. How about I give you a Fife Dayrider instead? It gives you unlimited travel in Fife for the day."

Since beginning and end points were both in Fife that was fine. I felt I was being fleeced though.

Me: "Okay, how much is that?"
Bus Driver: "Five pounds."

Nnnnnnnnnnnnnggg. Bastards, utter nob jockeys. Not one of the fuckers, on any one of the hundreds of journeys I made saw fit to tell me I could save £2.80.

Calm, calm.
( djtrialprice, Fri 13 May 2005, 15:30, Reply)

I was a bit of a jobsworth the other day...
...friend of mine wanted a cup of tea but I wouldn't get him one as he didn't have his headphones on whilst masturbating furiously.
(bigquack, Fri 13 May 2005, 15:30, Reply)

I was watching a weblog when I was
[Intellectually outraged/righteously indignant] because I am [above this/not reading the entries properly/not getting the point].

I mean honestly, just how much of a tit can I be?

Fuck off.
(Hypergluco, Fri 13 May 2005, 15:29, Reply)

!!!!
I SWEAR it's true. If not on my life, then certainly on yours (I'm not 100% sure it wasn't a provisional driving license application).
x
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Fri 13 May 2005, 15:24, Reply)

browser
That sounds made-up.
(Wrecked Tums, Fri 13 May 2005, 15:22, Reply)

Post Office
I walked into an empty post office to get a form, and there were 6 people behind the counter, doing nothing. This is what happened:

Me: Hello, I'd like a passport application form please.
Assistant: do you have a number?
M: what kind of number?
A: you need to take a number from the machine and wait to be called.
M: But I'm the only one here?
A: Please take a number, Sir, and wait to be called.
*take number from machine*
"NUMBER ONE COME TO THE COUNTER PLEASE"
*return to the counter*
M: Hello, I'd like a passport application form please. I have a number.
A: If you want a form you'll need to go to window 6.
*go to window 6*
A: Hello, how can I help?
M: I'd like a passport application form please.
A: I see, is it for yourself?
M: Yes.
A: You'll need to bring photos and identification.
M: I have those here.
A: You also need to pay £33 either in cash, or with acheque made out to Post Office Counters.
M: No problem!
A: OK, if you take them to a main post office they will give you a form. We don't stock them here.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Fri 13 May 2005, 15:14, Reply)

I worked in a lab
where we tested samples of polymer, specifically nylon. One of the funny little facts about nylon is that it absorbs water, which then weakens it slightly. So when we were testing samples of polymer pellets, we had to dump out the stuff on top on the theory that it had absorbed some tiny amount of moisture, which might skew the results.

I didn't know this at first, and asked a lab tech to process a small sample. She informed me that the sample was too small, because they had to dump out at least 30 grams of material and use the stuff from under it.

Me: Really? 30 grams? That seems like a lot. Why do we have to dump that out?

Her: Because it's in the standard operating procedure.

Me: Yeah, I know that, but why is it in the procedure?

Her (slowly, as she was obviously talking to a mong): It's in the procedure.

Me: I understand that. But why does the procedure say that?

Her: It's in the procedure! And you never, ever question the procedure!

By this point this middle aged bog troll was red in the face and starting to slam her fist against the counter top. I felt like I had been asking a Christian fundamentalist about why she considered sex to be a sin- she was really getting agitated, and was getting ready to throw me out of the lab for daring to question the procedure.

Sadly, the above is a direct quote from her and not exaggerated or paraphrased in any way. Even though I am an engineer, she still didn't trust me from that day on, and always gave me dirty looks. What a clenchbutt.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 13 May 2005, 15:12, Reply)

...
You pratt
(yiddo, Fri 13 May 2005, 14:54, Reply)

I turned up to a
[nightclub / pub / casino / supermarket / train] when I was [drunk / high / unsuitably dressed / obviously underage / not in possession of a valid ticket / without ID], and the [bouncer / landlord / manager / conductor] wouldn't [let me in / let me on / serve me].

I mean, come on! How petty can you get?

Anyway, I went back the next night and did something so petty that he probably [wouldn't even notice / thinks I'm even more of a pillock than he already did], by way of exacting my revenge.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 13 May 2005, 14:35, Reply)

Fire Extinguisher
Dogboy's story below reminds me of something that happened at the Clapham rail disaster. A rescuer flagged down a car and asked if he could use their fire extinguisher. They declined, saying they "wouldn't get it back".
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Fri 13 May 2005, 14:25, Reply)

I`m not this bad. normally
I had been out for a few bevvies with work collegues.. and put it this way, we are far far from poor. After said bevvies we decided to go to the scummiest nightclub in the whole of Milton Keynes (yes I know). So we arrive and the bouncer wont let me in as I am wearing trainers.
"not trainers, canvas shoes" said I
"yer not comin in luv"
"Do I look like I am about to cause trouble?"
"Sorry luv,rules"
I was a little drunkenly peeved at this point, I proceeded to catch a cab home, fill a ruck sack with shoes, and head back to the nightclub, where upon I give the bouncer a fashin footwear display of at least 6 pairs of shoes and asked him which ones he would prefer to let me in. Cue one amused bouncer, who finally let me in

If only they were all this long
(fluffy, Fri 13 May 2005, 14:09, Reply)

Jobsworths
The bloody RMT have announced 2 more strikes on 21/5 and 7/6. They want more money because One are installing new ticket machines. email them at [email protected] to tell them what a bunch of jobsworth twats they are! Or better still, go round and burn down their lefty pinko offices. Bastards, 2 more days stuck on the sodding bus.

(oops sorry, rant over)
( The Beast can't help looking at womens breasts on the tube, Fri 13 May 2005, 14:08, Reply)

Dr_fonz is a bender
see last 2posts.

[http://www.b3ta.com/users/profile.php?id=7949]

i think he's a jobsworth working for b3ta.








cock
(Mr Moo Cow - HairyBeef, Fri 13 May 2005, 13:48, Reply)

Accident and Emergency management
You may or may not know, but one of the 'healthcare targets' is that no one is in the A&E system for more than 4 hours. The idea is that once the 4 hours is up, you either get discharged home, or to the wards.

Stay longer that 4 hours, and you've 'breached', and the more breaches a A&E department has, the less money they get. This principle works from a checkout teller point of view, where the aim is to get customers out as quickly as possible --- however, in an A&E, you can't send people home without knowing that they will be safe. Hence why some may stay longer, and breach. Sadly, this fact doesn't show up on targets, and you get a lot of senior management getting very worked up when we don't 'patch them up and shunt them out' --- which might all be well and good if you're a fan of budgets over the welfare of your patients, but that isn't the point of medicine. But I digress.

So --- it's a very busy evening in a central London teaching hospital, and it's packed --- there are no beds to send people to the wards in, and the pharmasist can't quite give out medications quick enough to send lots of people home.

Cue one of the consultant managers rearing her head to one of the mid-grade doctors, who rather busy trying to put stiches in the head on one person, whilst trying not to be shouted at by the rather ridiculous patient in cubicle 7.

Consultant: You know, ok, we've got 3 who are about to breach.
SHO: Yes.
Consultant: [a bit taken aback by this] You do know that?
SHO: Yes.
Consultant: And aren't you going to discharge them?
SHO: We've got no beds to send them to the wards, and they're not being sent home, because they're not well enough, and I'm not comfortable about discharging them. So no.
Consultant: But they're going to breach!
SHO: Yes, you said.
Consultant: [exasperated] And don't you care?
SHO: [thinks about this concept] No.

As the student, I thought it was best that I should leave.
(witty_ditty has made multiple miaows since, Fri 13 May 2005, 13:36, Reply)