Despite
the fact that I have a deformed spine (car accident) and am hugely lethargic, when the company I work for moved offices out of the city I helped out. They were short of money and so there I was lugging furniture about and putting desks together.

The very moment the last desk is assembled (please remember that I'm not clocked in or anything here, just helping out because mucking in was what was needed) I get balled out for not having appropriate footwear on AND the bastards take away our kettle so we can't drink tea.

I quit, today is my last day.

Bye Rudi!
( Lord Manley of Ven www.justgiving.com/manley - please?, Mon 16 May 2005, 15:26, Reply)

Parkingtigers
that'll be 'Buddies'.. it's so unbelievably 'rule based' in there. Does my head in. The Market Diner is way better!
( FinestLittleSpace, Mon 16 May 2005, 15:17, Reply)

I Work For HMRC (What used to be the Inland Revenue)
Her Maj's Revenue & Customs doncha know. (1 Point).

I do IT support (1 point)

I am also second level support which means you have to escalate the case through the proper channels (1 point) and if the cases don't come up correctly I send them back down! (1 point)

That is 4 points.
That beats every Stagecoach driving BT engineering Royal Mail delivering Pizza hut Managering Watermeloning jobsworth out there! - Hoo HAR.

No Apologies for Length, Girth, Bend or Flavour - the ladies love it.
( ogwen69 has returned from Reddit, Mon 16 May 2005, 14:58, Reply)

More Bus Driver Misery!
In my girlfriend's village waiting for the bus to newport.

THERE IT IS HURRAH!

On we get, "two returns to newport plese" ka-ching! ticket printing... bzz bzz bzz bzzcckckhhhkhkhk!!!!

The ticket got chewed up, The bus driver (Stagecoach) was apologetic and signed the ticket with a short note about the mechanical error.

Happy with this we proceeded to go to town and waste loads of money.

Waiting for the bus to take us home again, there it is! A Glyn Williams bus.

"Can't accept that."
"Why?"
"It's not valid if it's that damaged."
"But the guy signed it and everything."
"No, sorry."

BASTARD FUCKER!!

So we hopped on the stagecoach bus which came along 15 mins later, he accepted it without making a comment.

Stagecoach 1 - 0 Glyn Williams
( MetaFarad loves to TANZEN!, Mon 16 May 2005, 14:57, Reply)

Writerblock
How did you get a papercut on your arse?! No wonder you were keen to get it seen to!
(Ian Maiden, Mon 16 May 2005, 14:42, Reply)

anywhere?
walked into an offie in belfast and tried to buy a bottle of pinot noir with northern irish banknotes - but since they're not legal tender anywhere, couldn't

swam to scotland and tried the same with english notes ... shoopkeeper ran me through with a halberd muttering something about flodden and 'legal tender'

limped to england, tried getting some nice chablis with a royal bank of scotland tenner ... thrown in the tower of london

now i just use credit cards ... bloody banknote jobswortherers
( writerblock ... embedding disabled by request on, Mon 16 May 2005, 14:18, Reply)

papercutting
papercut ... arse ... minor bleeding ... 'anyone got a plaster?' ...'plasters in the first aid box but only first aiders have access' ... 'who's the first aider?' ... 'X with the green cross on her pc' ... 'hi X, can i have a plaster?' ... 'well, yes, but then we'd have to fill in an accident report form...' 'but it's only a papercut' 'i know, it's stupid isn't is? and i'm not sure how we do the form since you're a contractor, not staff' 'i'm bleeding ... not a lot i grant you, but... oh fuckit' ... bleeding man leaves edinburgh financial services building, walks over street to shop and purchases own fucking band-aid ... the company, I Like Not Bleeding Over My Desk Because of Fuckwit Health and Safety Rules ... I Like ... hint hint
( writerblock ... embedding disabled by request on, Mon 16 May 2005, 14:10, Reply)

Legal tender
Just to clear up the debate on legal tender...

English coins are legal throughout the UK (with limits)
English notes are NOT legal tender in Scotland or NI.
Scottish notes are NOT legal tender in England, Wales, NI or Scotland.
Northern Irish notes are NOT legal tender ANYWHERE.

This means NO banknotes are legal tender in Scotland, and the only legal tender (unlimited amounts) are £1 and £2 coins (smaller coins have limits as to how much can be used at once).
Obviously though, Scottish notes are generally accepted in Scotland, and although they're not legal tender in England, they're not illegal, so it's up to the shopkeepers whether they want to accept them or not.


EDIT: Just noticed a couple of other people have posted this, but I refuse to apologise.
( brooza wonders how long a sig can be and if this will fit, Mon 16 May 2005, 14:07, Reply)

The Police...
That Hooker was dead before i got here and someone stabbed me with that horse tranquilizer...
(Limited IQ, Mon 16 May 2005, 14:04, Reply)

Like being a jobsworth? Be a fire alarm service engineer...
I've been a fire alarm service engineer for three years now...you know the routine, someone comes to your office, briefly sounds the alarm, checks that all the nice people are going to survive should a fire break out, etc, etc, etfuckingc.

There are MANY of you out there (always some stripy-shirted middle-management own-office-but-only-big-enough-for-one-desk-and-one-ego turd. With glasses.) that don't appreciate what we do and insist that we should test alarms outside office hours or during the weekend....bollocks, mate. This is important work that is required by law (!). And just for that suggestion, every time I come to your office, I make more noise than I need to for far longer. Ha! Oh, and you always seem to have fire drills when it's raining, don't you?
(downhill without brakes . It was the worst day of my life, Mon 16 May 2005, 13:41, Reply)

Oh, God...
I think Simon, the manager of the Exeter Pizza Hut delivery shop must take the prize. Biggest idiot in the world. Picture poor little me, soaked and shivering after 8 hours riding pizzas out on a moped in the sleet. All I want is a bit of hot grub to keep me going.

Then picture the Hut, extremely busy on this 'orrible night when even a trip to the corner shop is out of the question. There's a huge pile of pizzas, chicken wings, wedges, you name it, all hot and stacked on top of the oven as a result of orders getting confused in the heat of the moment. They're put up there until somebody has the time to bung them all in the bin. But no, Simon says, that is all still 'company property' and anybody caught 'stealing' it will be 'disciplined'.

And you think Ryanair came up with the 'No charging your mobile at work' thing? It was Simon, actually.

Simon: Unplug your phone, that's not allowed here.
Me: But the battery's flat! What if I can't find a house and need to call?
Simon: Just unplug it, please.

1/2 hour later:

Simon: Where the hell have you been?
Me: I couldn't find the house, and my battery was flat. Can I plug it it now?
Simon: No.

I hope he's been shot. But I imagine he's a regional director of something by now.
(Whizzer, Mon 16 May 2005, 13:40, Reply)

Breakfast in Brighton
A friend and I took a trip to Brighton one day, arriving at some ungodly early hour. It being before 7am, we decided to find somewhere to get some breakfast after the long journey. There was a nice little 24 hour cafe/restaurant on the seafront, so in we went. I didn't need to look at the menu, as I long ago worked out that double eggs, chips and beans (with a slice of toast for mop-up duties) is God's own meal.

Me: "Double eggs, chips and beans please."

Waitress: "Can't have that, it's not on the menu."

Me: "Really?"

[looks at menu, sees nothing but various food combinations featuring eggs, chips, and baked beans and sundry other classic British artery hardening foodstuffs]

Me: "But you do serve eggs, chips and beans..."

Waitress: "You can only order the combinations listed."

Me: "Well can't you just give me the egg and chips and add on some baked beans?"

Waitress: "That combination isn't on the menu."

Me: "You can just add on an appropriate amount to cover the additional beans."

Waitress: "I'll have to see if the chef will allow it (wtf?), we don't normally allow such things."

They grudgingly gave me what I ordered, but they made it clear they were really going out of their way and were doing me a real favour. I wouldn't have minded, but we were the only ones in there at that time of day. This country ...
(Parkingtigers, Mon 16 May 2005, 13:36, Reply)

birmingham new street
sorry another train related one..
I was on my way home from seeing a band in birmingham -Frenzal Rhomb if anyone's interested... - (next door to a strip club bizarrely), and somehow ended up on their tour bus looking at german porn and eating veggie burgers, and so made it back to the station *just* in time for the last train...at 2 or something. so, we got on the train, ready to go back to north wales, had our tickets out, conductor comes down.
"this ticket has expired"
"What? but i bought it today, it's a day return"
"yes, but the day ends at 1:45am" (in train stations, someone check it..)
it was now around 1:50 am
him "sorry you'll have to get another ticket"
me "but then i'll miss the train and there isn't one until 7am, and i have nowhere to stay. can i not just buy one from you?"
him "no"
so he gets the staion manager as we refused to leave the train, he kicks us off and we spend the next 5 hours walking around brimingham new street station (pleasantly heated waiting rooms by the way).
and..that's my story about how much i hate train station managers. all of them.

oh yeah, and if anyone knows the station every few minutes it plays an automated message along the lines of "passengers are reminded that smoking is not permitted in this station", and a couple of others as well. constantly... for 5 hours. arrrrrrrrrrgh

un-be-bluddy-lievable

apologies for length and kind-of-parsnip like shape
(sextuple rooty, Mon 16 May 2005, 13:31, Reply)

Apologies
Sorry to everyone who phoned me for spare parts for their boats only to be told that I can't check the computer to see if they're in stock, it's more than my jobsworth.

We never had a computer and to all the victims where I said I was checking on the computer for their bits, it was just me banging the keys on the calculator
(ElGatodeBarco, Mon 16 May 2005, 13:08, Reply)

Jobsworths
evryone, EVERYONE who works at BT
(maximcondor, Mon 16 May 2005, 12:57, Reply)

breakfast twunt
i'd spent 7 weeks prior to the millenium in India, having an all-round lovely time. Sadly the time came to return, the one plus point of which was my lovely girlfriend of the time was picking me up from the airport. So, I arrived, joy was unconfined etc, and we decided that, as it was january, it'd be good to go to the seaside - so off we trolleyed to Bognor. Now, i'd spent the last 7 weeks eating lots of daal and chapati, and fancied an English breakfast,so found a Macari's (sort of small scale south coast chain cafe) and ordered 2 x full english please. Then my other half realised she'd like toast not fried bread. When i passed this request onto the vile toad like woman serving, she fixed me with her gimlet eye and said "no substitutions!!". Hmmmm. So, i thought she cleary misunderstood, so i asked again - same response. i tried changing tack and said - "look, that bit of bread in your hand, instead of putting it into that there frying pan, how about popping it into that toaster?" But no, she wasnt having it. Seeing my "about to shout at some ignorant cunt meter" hitting the redzone, my girlie told me to leave it, and sat me down. So, when my breakky arrived, i realised there was no ketchup, and saw one of those pump action squirty things onthe counter top. i took my plate over, and was just about to push the top of the dispensert, when vile woman sprinted along the counter, knocked my hand out of the way and said - "5p a squirt"......


i believe it was my fine grasp of the language rather than the threat of an imminent sausage/rectum interface scenario that made her decide i could have free ketchup....
(micky2shoes has more shoes than feet, Mon 16 May 2005, 12:46, Reply)

Nightclubs
Why do people complain about the twats at the door making unreasonable demands then go out of their way to forfill them, so they can then spend their money in the same shit establishment? GO SOMEWHERE ELSE!!!

Apologies for lack of anything
( Dixipoos Bye Bye Blackbird, Mon 16 May 2005, 12:34, Reply)

bastard scouse cabbies
had to go to liverpool for a business thing ... got a train ... local office colleagues said 'it's not far from the station, but the directions are complicated so just get a cab' ... got cab from rank outside lime street (?) ... cabbie moaned like fuck that it was such a short ride, took a strangely long way for a allegedly small run, then refused to accept my scottish fiver. i smiled sweetly and said, 'hey ho, i've got no other notes, tough'. so he moaned some more and whined about 'not being able to change it'. twat. some edinburgh shops in the tourist areas take euro and sterling these days, in irish border towns like derry, use of sterling and euro is common, and i've spent scottish notes in northern ireland and NI notes in scotland ... but scottish notes in dailymailreadersmallmindedtwatland? what is the problem? some neurosis about a lost empire? get flexible down there ...

ps: bring on the euro, but some people would still moan 'can't take that, it's a spanish one not an english one' or something ... arse
( writerblock ... embedding disabled by request on, Mon 16 May 2005, 11:55, Reply)

e-mail twunts
Much of our technical helpdesk is outsourced to IBM. Due to normal company screw up I was unable to log onto the company network as my password had expired. (Twunts give you 3 days notice and then it expires so if it happens while you are on holiday you are screwed).

So I phone the support line requesting a password reset. They say OK and then there is a pause. So I ask what the new password is. They wont tell me. They are only allowed to send it by e-mail. So I point out that I can't logon to read my e-mail until they tell me the password. At this point they cant follow their noddy scripts and simply tell me to talk to my manager!

This all happened at 2am (I am in IT support on overnight call). So the good news is I get to wake my director just so he can log in and find out my new password. Needless to say he was not amused.
(anthorin, Mon 16 May 2005, 11:42, Reply)

Storemen Jobsworths
Worked at the MOD in Bath for a while, and the storemen were the biggest jobsworths of all, probably failed their Stagecoach Bus driving test or something.

1. 'Have you got a 'scope lead?' 'None on my computer sonny'. I can see one in that store bin there' (points helpfully to required item' 'Sorry son, if it's not on my computer I haven't got one'. Eh?

2. 'Have you got a power supply unit, I need one urgently'. 'No, I've only 4 left' 'Er, can I have one then'? 'No, my minimum stock levels are 4 and if I give you one then I'll drop below minimum, and that contravenes regulations'.

yes Len, I'm talking about you....
(Toooldforallthis, Mon 16 May 2005, 11:14, Reply)

bigmeuprudeboy
Sir, you are a star. Those rude, arrogant tossers working for Thameslink deserve all the abuse they get. I've seen them harangueing customers in threatening tones on more than one occasion. Coming home at 6am after a night shift, I genuinely forgot to buy a ticket as you can walk straight onto the train at King's Cross from the tube (which I would do on the way home after an afternoon shift with that day's travelcard in my pocket already). Easy to do when you have been up all night. I only realised what I had done when I got up to Luton, and I made the mistake of going up to a gate guard and asking to buy a ticket rather than trying to sneak out (easily done). The twunt gives me a penalty fare *and* manages to overcharge me for my ticket as well. You certainly pay for being honest.

Then there was the time my wife (annual season ticket holder, £2,800 since you are asking) found there were no seats on the train to work and the punters were crammed in like battery hens. She takes a seat in the vacant 1st class, and when a ticket inspector (read: nazi) comes along she has no objection to paying the difference between 1st and the standard fare so she can remain seated. Does she get that? No, the arsehole decides that she has to be charged for a full price 1st class fare, ignoring the fact that she already had a valid standard class ticket for their stinking cattle truck of a train anyway. £30 for a 1st class seat that is only distinguishable from standard class by ... well, actually it isn't distinguishable from standard class in any way, they just cordon off 25% of the train to catch out travellers who object to the Auschwitz death-train conditions in the rest of the carriage. Cunts.

I normally drive to work now, but if I do take the train I'm going to try the same trick. I've been looking for more ways to repay the bastards. Cheers mate!
(Parkingtigers, Mon 16 May 2005, 11:12, Reply)

I left
two bottles of wine and a wall clock on a train. Amazingly lost property at Birmingham had got it, still with one of the two bottles of wine. As I live in Cambridge I had to get a mate of mine to pick it up, but, I said, it might be a couple of weeks until he could. Ah, said the idiot on the end "we can't keep the wine, the rules state we have to throw out food/drink items after four days because they go off". What a twat
(Mr. Partyhat, Mon 16 May 2005, 10:51, Reply)

Not Reading and Posting on B3TA
I would read all these highly entertaining entries, and post my own very amusing anecdote, all while at work (like I am now)
But I won't cos we're not meant to use the net at work and it's more than my Jobsworth.
( ogwen69 has returned from Reddit, Mon 16 May 2005, 10:46, Reply)

'Revenue Protection Officers'
On the train service that runs between Brighton and Bedford and begins with the letter 'T' ...............
I HAVE to use this godforsaken train company to get to and from work and in the past they have employed some pretty offensive units as 'Revenue protection officers' in particular one gentleman who seemed to take great pleasure in harrassing tired single mums who hadnt had time to pay for a £2 ticket, by shouting and threatneing them with court and generally acting the cunt.
One evening I clocked the jobsworth in question getting on a train at Luton..so I thought Id have some fun with him...as soon as he entered the carriage I was sitting in I vaulted off the train and began to sprint down the platform to the other end..now to this chap this was like a red rag to a bull 'fare dodger' was what went through his tiny little mind..so off he jogs after me, frantically bellowing into his walkie talkie to 'hold the train hold the train!' When he reaches the far end of the train he finds yours truly sitting smugly wating for his abusive outburt....
'Get off the train sir or I will have you arrested' I ask him why, 'you are deliberately trying to avoid paying your fare' I ask him how he knows I dont have a ticket..as I produce my season ticket..his face falls and he starts muttering why I ran off?? ,my reply:
'you're a fat cunt mate and I reckon you needed a quick run'
he exits pretty sharpish
( bigmeuprudeboy is using powerpoint or paint...have MERCY, Mon 16 May 2005, 10:44, Reply)

Bastards!
Fucking overclockers.co.uk!

I bought a motherboard from them a couple of years back, which went tits up after 51 weeks - just within the guarantee. So I phoned them up to arrange a replacement, sent it back and waited for my replacement to arrive.
Replacement arrived - Yay! Wired it in to find the one I'd been sent was faulty, so back it went.
Shiney new motherboard arrived, wired it in to find it doesn't work. Reason why it doesn't work is because it was the same fucking motherboard I'd just sent back. Bastards had decided that even though they'd sent me a faulty board they were going to do fuck all about it because the guarantee for the original one had just expired.

Never shopped there again

/end rant :D
( Weetobix, Mon 16 May 2005, 9:58, Reply)

FAO all those without photo ID
You're fecking morons.

How the hell do you expect to get through in life without some form of photo ID?

You deserve all the hassle you get.

That is all.
(Deiwos - Woo I found my old name!, Mon 16 May 2005, 9:50, Reply)

90% of taxi drivers in Swansea
are registered cunts.

I dunno who registered them, but they're there. That's all that matters.

They follow the motto that other drivers are on their roads. Kill the lot of them.

I was on a bus one day, and we got overtaken and cut up by a taxi driver. Apart from the bus being full of passengers, and me in the standing aisle catching a falling granny (I kid you not, was considered Superman by the OAPS for weeks), this taxi decided that the bus was not going to interfere with his road ownage, and overtook the moving bus on the right, pulled in in front of the bus, then immediately slammed his brakes on to get ready to do a U-turn, right in front of a double-decker. Oh dear, taxi driver prescribed a double-decker enima did he? Thankfully he didn't get one, but the busdriver dropped his window open and called the taxi driver all the cunts going, right in front of all the people on the bus, grannies included lol

EDIT: I need to learn some fecking punctuation too :)
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Mon 16 May 2005, 9:49, Reply)

strange ageing standards
Speaking of ID'ing for rizlas, we have a local shop, usually quite good with ID and stuff. One day I went there with my gf to get some beer etc. and met some of my younger mates coming out.

They asked us if we had a lighter. 'no.'

Noticed they'd just come out of the shop with fags, booze, so asked them why they couldn't buy a lighter.
'You have to be 18 to buy lighters in there'
Oooook.
Gf went in while I caught up with them, came back out with beer for us, lighters for them, and wondering why on earth they were 18 enough to buy alcohol but not 18 enough to buy portable fire.
(sporky, Mon 16 May 2005, 9:18, Reply)

Comet/Hotpoint
My washing machine recently broke for good (with the same fault for the third time in a row) and could we get the bastard twats to recognise that the problem which caused the fatal breakage outside the warranty period was exactly the same problem which had been "fixed" for free within the warranty period? Not without having to invoke the threat of legal action for breach of the sale of goods act 19xx. Even then we could only get them to refund the thing seeing as they didn't have anything equivalent in any of their poxy shops. During this process we spoke to at least three mean-spirited little gits who (despite being female) shol all have had one of those special little postman moustaches much favored by the jobsworth.


PS maiden: so, you're a bus driver? Is there a national bus driver forum somewhere through which you could politely ask your Edinburgh comrades on my behalf to STOP TRYING TO KILL ME? Cheers...
( wingpig wish I'd known about liquify eighteen years ago, Mon 16 May 2005, 6:17, Reply)

Chef
At work, the cunt of a chef chef insists on checks stating whether or not the dish is from the adult or children's menu "so the wrong dish doesnt get sent out"

Erm... at which point did Birdseye Fish-cunting-Fingers make it onto the adult menu?

And your wife's a fatty too.
(Rushy, Mon 16 May 2005, 2:50, Reply)