Karma must be on my side
High school year 10 and 11. Generally around the time where all your mates start looking older, getting taller and spottier... I think thats called puberty.

After said period of body changing, you find all friends are taller yet your still not quite as tall as they are, cue much laughing and being called a short ass... Plus being ginger gets a few giggles too.

Fast forward 4 years or so and now being taller than most of my mates lets me giggle at them and it's funny how the main culprit of said ginger name calling has a really big bushy ginger beard...It goes along nicely with his luscious locks of blonde hair.

Thank you Karma, thank you.
(ubergingerspaceninjer last watched you sleep on, Sat 23 Feb 2008, 22:30, 1 reply)

Karma
In my first year of uni, I was seeing a girl on my course. things were good, we got on well, and I started to fall for her properly.

Fast forward a few months, I find her with someone else - in my flat. Needless to say, I ended things there and then, and buried myself in coursework, and passed the year with high B grades. Didn't pay any attention to her or her doings.

Fast forward a few years, and I find out a few things about her from a friend. Turns out she has put on a lot of weight, works in McDonalds, and apparently has herpes (no one wanted to confirm that though). Me? I'm living in a different country, with a much better person, I have my own house, and my recently started company is already attracting HUGE potential (and long-term) clients.

Karma? Who knows, but the Chameleon was number 1 the day I was born (how old/young am I? - not what I look some say)
(bamboozled Can hear you getting fatter, Sat 23 Feb 2008, 22:30, 2 replies)

Karma of sorts...
During my first year of uni, I had a hard time adjusting to the concept of not being a very good student having previously got decent grades. This led my boyfriend at the time to believe I was utterly stupid, to the extent that when he got the same grade as me for a project at the end of the year, he flipped out and got really pissed off. He couldn't get his head round the fact that whilst his grades were slipping, mine were improving and we were now level.

To an extent, I could understand why he would be upset that his grades were getting worse, but my sympathy at that point was somewhat limited after the months of snide comments, belittling and general implications that he was king of the clever people, the next Matt Groening (it was an animation course) and his shits smelled of Chanel No. 5 whilst I was generally crap at life and should walk five paces behind him at all times.

Needless to say, the relationship went tits up and we parted ways just before the start of the second year. I gradually learned to get over myself (as well as the ex) and work hard (with the help of a very supportive and understanding new boyfriend).

I suppose the karma bit comes in when at graduation, I walked away with a 2:1 with honours whilst the ex got a 3rd with a referral to repeat the dissertation module and couldn't even be bothered to turn up to graduation at all. Or maybe I worked hard and he didn't.

Seems to me that you get out what you put in - a similarly arrogant but actually very talented member of my course could barely disguise his distaste when I bumped into him after uni and he found out I did better than he did. I can't help but think that if he'd taken the course a bit more seriously and not left his project til the last minute, he would've got the grade his talent deserved.

Not particularly funny but helped me see that sometimes you make your own success in life.
(claireyfairy There's a smell in here that will outlast religion, Sat 23 Feb 2008, 22:24, 2 replies)

Cars! Bus lanes! Puddles! Lube!
A couple years ago, when I was in my second year of uni, a friend, a housemate and I decided to go revise at the library.

It was raining so we opted to take the car rather than wait for a bus in the crap weather. On our way, we passed the students union, infront of which was the crowded bus stop where we noticed a particularly large puddle while had built up right in front. Having passed it already, my friend turned to me saying "damnnn, that was a big one, think we should go back and get it?"
to which (and I regret this now) I replied "HELL YEAH!"

We doubled back, and drove in the bus lane (to help us get as deep into that bitch puddle as we possibly could). By the time we hit it, we were travelling at ~30mph.
I felt a strong pang of guilt as we approached and had my eyes closed, but it was too late. I turned around to see nothing short of a gargantuan gutter-shite filled tidal wave wash over anyone within about 10 feet.

My housemate was the only one of us who firmly believed in karma, and while she was the only one who remained innocent, she was the unfortunate who got wiped out by a bus going through that very same puddle several days later, leaving her covered in nasty drain water, while the friend that was walking on the outside of her, remained bone dry.

Coincidence? Who knows. Lube? I lied. Girth? Yes. Apologies? None.
(Mr Moo Cow - HairyBeef, Sat 23 Feb 2008, 22:01, Reply)

Caldmore's a Bitch
I had an ex who started off a shy and sweet boy, seemingly an hopeless romantic. I was smitten due to the amount of attention he gave me, and by how much he wanted to be with me for the rest of my life.

So, 18 months later I realise what a nasty, controlling piece of work he was. Sulked like a child if he didn't get his own way. Forced me to wank him off if I didn't want sex. Told me to shut up if I was sobbing at night in bed. Many examples, too many to go into here. I managed to spend a couple of days without seeing him, which gave me a clarity into the situation, and I jumped ship to another lad.

For some reason, I made an effort to stay friends with him. He went pretty insane after I dumped him, and I guess I felt kinda guilty. He bombarded me with calls and stalked me, but I still felt guilty when I saw how messed up he was.

Somehow I ended up going into town with him, whilst leaving my car at his house. On the way back on the motorway (it was only one junction and the fastest way to get to town and back), he starts getting nasty and shouty about us not being together. I become genuinely frightened of this sort of behaviour whilst travelling at this speed and clam up in the hope that he might calm down. He doesn't, and we arrive on his incredibly long driveway (11 acre garden!) and I run for my car.

It's sunset now and starting to get dark. I try to drive off, but he stops me shutting my door. Everytime I go to drive, he clings in to the open door and travels with me. He's still shouting and arguing, and I try to reason with him. I keep trying to drive off and he physically won't let go of car. I end up stopping the car and trying to talk, but it's not helping. I tried sitting there just staring at the dashboard while he rants and raves, trying not to give him any reason to keep going. Looking at my clock, I see that this stand-off has been going on for about an hour. I try to drive off again, but he turns off my ignition and throws my keys into his garden, which is now pitch black.

At this point I was considering running back to the house and getting his parents, but he probably would have tackled me. Then I thought to ring some friends of mine who he really liked and respected. They managed to convince him that this is a bit insane and he should let me go, which he finally does.

So where's the karma? Well...

Shortly after this, he goes for a cruise in his local red light district to let off some steam. He finds a lady of the night and asks her to join him. She jumps into his car and off they go to find a quiet spot. Then he gets cold feet, and tells Miss Ho that he's got a girlfriend and can't go through with it. She says "well how about a blow job then, that's not really cheating" (lols!). He says no, he really can't do it. Ok, says she, you can't drop me here as it's too suss, drop me a few streets away. He tries to, but she's not happy with that spot and makes him drive round again. Now she refuses to get out at all. She will not leave his car until some transaction takes place, and ends up holding him hostage in his car until, I think, he did actually pay to get rid of her. Ha!

The even funnier thing was, the name of the red light district is Caldmore. Pronounced locally as, I shit you not... Karma!
(Cryptoprocta has abandoned the username of Voodoo Mary, Sat 23 Feb 2008, 21:57, Reply)

Not so much karma as petty petty revenge
I have a complete prick as a bus driver, petty minded and generaly twatty. So I take karma into my own hands and every day for the last two months when I get off of the bus I shout jizz at him because he can't tell the difference between the word jizz and cheers.

I told you it was petty.
(Charlietron Still can't think of anything witty to put here, Sat 23 Feb 2008, 20:40, 5 replies)

Sad... But True
Back at school , I used to do an extra GCSE afterschool , this was a fully legal lesson, and couldn't be missed , however one of my mates decided it would be good to get a day off, with an excuse , he used the old dead relative (he chose grandad) one,

The teacher belived this and let him miss the lesson.

The next week, the day before lesson , the poor lad got a phone call saying his grandad had passed away.

He told the same excuse two weeks running , and got away with it , until I and other mates laughed so hard durng that lesson about what happened she found out.

The teacher did the best thing, not mention it


I'm sorry, we were bastards.
(bastows, Sat 23 Feb 2008, 19:26, Reply)

Sorry guys,
there is no such thing as karma, but if you are a cunt, everyone knows it.
(woo who?, Sat 23 Feb 2008, 19:23, Reply)

My Chicken Hell
You know how Tesco now have Scan-It-Yourself checkouts in certain stores? Well, I thought I'd be clever and cheat the system. You see, one Sunday Mrs Defined and myself decided on a lovely roast dinner and so off I trot to the 'Co's to purchase the ingredients; yummy potatoes, bucketfulls of fresh veg and the piece de resistance, a gorgeous organic corn fed chicken. So I gets to the diy checkout and decide I'm going to save myself a few quid. The checkout merrily bleeps away as I scan the veg, and then when I'm sure nobody's looking, I chuck the chicken in a carrier without scanning it, saving some cash to purchase booze and stuff later....







...except later, after consuming the lovely Sunday feast, I find myself not enjoying copious amounts of booze, but instead I'm throwing up my own liver out of my eyeballs as an horrific bout of food poisoning tears through my body.

I've never cheated the Tesco God since. I've learned my lesson.
(highly_defined, Sat 23 Feb 2008, 19:12, 5 replies)

Courtesy Karma
My brother used to drive a rather lovely, spangly new Jaguar XJS. At one point, he had a small accident, and the car needed to go in for repair. They gave him a Mondeo as a courtesy car, which he was quite happy with. His high-maintenance wife, however, was less easily impressed, and complained loudly.

For the sake of a quiet life, my brother went back to the dealers and explained his dilemma. The very understanding dealer was kind enough to give him a brand new XJS from the forecourt to use as a courtesy car instead. He was happy, wife was happy. Wife decided she wanted to drive home.

On the way home, it was raining. Wife took the car around a roundabout. Car's brand new tyres weren't quite as well bedded in as old cars. Car promptly span out, fell off the roundabout, and ended up at the bottom of an embankment on its roof.

Wife didn't complain about the Mondeo for the rest of the week.
(bblgoose, Sat 23 Feb 2008, 19:00, Reply)

Aichmophobia inducing KarmaStrike
When I was a wee tyke of nary twelve years of age, I had a row with my mum in an MTR station (Hong Kong Equivalent of the Tube, but more efficient and cheaper) and stormed off to have a bit of a sulk.

The argument was about having to hold her hand. I was twelve, goddamnit! Old enough to do without being shackled to my mother.

So I stormed off. Where I was planning on going I do not remember.

What I certainly fucking did remember was when a random babbling crackhead ran up and jabbed a butterfly-knife into my right thigh, all the way up to the handle, before running away screaming at the walls and ceiling.

Karma owes me six months of recovery and 50 stitches.
(DarkLite swallowed my entire undercarriage, Sat 23 Feb 2008, 18:56, 2 replies)

Karma, complete with concussion
So, a little fact, i do Airsoft which is similar to paintball, but without the paint.

Anyway, during one game i threw a grenade, my opponant throws one, his one bounces through the window, and completely knocks me out.

This happend straight after i accidently shot a kid in the forehead. (he shouldn't of stuck his head around the corner)

Karma, the most single cause of problems anywhere, at anytime.
(Looneytwuns, Sat 23 Feb 2008, 18:45, 5 replies)

Just about on topic...
When I was little I gave up chocolate for lent, but one day on a car trip I ate some...

Later on that day I threw up all over the back seat of the car, and swore blind that it must have been God punishing me for my sin of eating chocolate in lent!

I have learned since then, it was actually just me being a greedy fat little pig combined with a hot car...

:)
(errrggghhhh should be doing something else, but what was it?!, Sat 23 Feb 2008, 18:21, Reply)

Ex catharsis
This isn't hugely entertaining or witty. It's more of a big, big vent, and some bitchy schadenfraude on my part.

My ex was a silly, silly man. Sure, he was a nice fellow at first (which is why I went out with him in the first place, obviously), but it all sharply descended into what a psychology student friend of mine called "a textbook abusive relationship".

He was the controlling type who thought that I was a raging harlot. He was absolutely paranoid about me cheating on him, and did everything from barring me from talking to my male friends to making sure I didn't wear anything that might show the tiniest inch of my cleavage or thighs. He actually banned me from wearing eyeliner, because it made me look "like a whore".

By the way, I'd like to claim that I have only been involved with males in a relationship sense. The idea of casual sex confuses me. As for having an affair? I am the worst liar in the world. I'm also very loyal. The Ex's ex had cheated on him, and decided that I would be the target for his insecurity and unresolved issues. Great!!

It was because of him that I spent a year stone-cold sober when I was 18, because girls apparently invite thousands of men into their cavernous vaginas after they've been drinking. Ridiculous.

I'm the sort of person who tries to see the good in people and am willing to overlook the bad stuff. However, after a year of putting up with his insanity, my corresponding insanity and our general dysfunction to work in a relationship, I broke up with him after he called me a slut for no reason whatsoever.

My life had turned completely upside down because of him. I had no friends, no hobbies, dressed like a bag woman, and had barely any opinions of my own anymore, as he argued with me all the time. Basically, I'd felt like shite for an entire year for this guy. Love is stupid, isnt it?

After I dumped him, I threw myself into my taekwondo training and got a black belt. I got a new job and started earning far more money than I had been. I reunited with my friends that I'd been forced to ditch (all of them, male and female, have promised to rearrange the Ex's face if they ever see him). I got into the uni course I've always wanted to be in. I started making myself look the way I wanted to again (OMG, A DRESS THAT FINISHES SLIGHTLY ABOVE THE KNEE!) and felt better about myself. I took the plunge and started writing a blog, which led to me getting a writing gig for a uni magazine. And then I met the man who I'm moving out with next weekend. I knew he was the one when he suggested that we go drinking and see a punk gig on one of our first dates.

Yup, life for me post-breakup has been pretty sweet. How about the ex?

The ex turned into an alcoholic. Yup, the guy who banned me from drinking turned into an alcoholic. I know this because he rang me at 3am for a few weeks after we broke up, moaning about how he wanted to get back together with me, and that he'd been drinking himself to sleep. Some of our mutual friends, and even some of his very good friends, are siding with me over the matter and avoid talking to him. He got very drunk and hooked up with an oldfriend of mine one night. I think he was hoping that I would be upset about this, but I mainly laughed because she's a hideous, fat slag, and hasn't been my friend for years. He was quite terrified for a while, as she became obsessed with him and stalked him (they're in the same uni classes, LOL). He ended up throwing in his Science degree (the one that he bragged about constantly, but was failing miserably at) for a pissy business one, which he's barely passing because he's usually too drunk to show up to lectures.

My favourite bit of karma: He met a lovely girl at a bar, who gave him her MSN. Thrilled and excited, he eagerly anticipated talking to the woman of his dreams.

He found out later that she blocked him, and had no interest in him whatsoever. It was all a big prank. Cue much emo-ing to one of our mutual friends on msn while drowning his sorrows in a bottle of vodka. Me and the mutual friend LOL'd.

Not sure about what he's up to nowadays, but I'll continue to be amused when I hear bad things happening to him.

Sure, I was an absolute idiot for giving this guy the time of day. I don't deny that. But I feel that he's getting his karma, a little bit at a time.

Oh, and I want to high five that girl who led him on.

Length? My current boyfriend's is bigger ;)
(TheChicken Five hundred thousand points from Gryffindor, Sat 23 Feb 2008, 18:10, 1 reply)

Higher Education
When I started my PhD I was put into this shared office with a bunch of 2nd and 3rd years, most of whom were very nice. However, one person in particular, a 2nd year, would make all sorts of weird insinuating remarks that the only reason I got into the program was (as he put it) "a person of colour".

Move forward 3 years later, I'm about to submit, and he's nowhere near. From next week, I effectively become his supervisor -- on his insistence.

And to be perfectly honest I'm not that good anyhow. I just got lucky. Karma is a bitch
(zero.coke, Sat 23 Feb 2008, 18:00, 2 replies)

Glasses
This was late primary school, I'd have been maybe 10 or 11.

Walking home from school up the road, got accosted by a bully (aye, singular; I'm shocked too) who teased me about my glasses. Just circling around me while I walked, throwing random taunts.
Normally this doesn't affect me, still doesn't, but that day I was feeling brave. So I called him a twat and an idiot.

He retorted "Well at last I don't need glasses...."

....aaaand promptly walked into a lamppost :D

Bloodied his nose, went everywhere, and walked funny after me for a bit then staggered off home.

I couldn't stop giggling for hours after, and it soon got around the playground ;)
(Fleximus Rex briefly gave up lurking on, Sat 23 Feb 2008, 17:36, Reply)

the gift that keeps on giving
i was stupid enough to let my ex move in. he never gave me any money for food or rent, because he was in debt.
then he disappeared for 3 days.
he'd buggered off to meet some bint he'd been chatting up online. he'd been saving his money to get down there. of course, i threw him out.

2 months later, he's got a nice set of genital warts off his internet ho and i get to laugh at him for the rest of his life.

petty, yes, but after 12 years, i earned it.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sat 23 Feb 2008, 16:14, 1 reply)

The ex
Was a nasty piece of work and did all manner of things to me which should have led to him being arrested, but as I was young and scared, never told. When we broke up, he was living it up in his flat whilst I spent all my time hiding, with no friends to speak of, completely broken.

He went on to get a job at Asda, working the night shift before karma stepped in. He was caught driving with no insurance, MOT etc and the car was taken away and crushed, the same car he had happened to run me over in months previous. No car meant no job, as he stopped showing up and didn't inform anyone of his circumstances. The benefits people then decided as he had left his previous employment he was entitled to fuck all, leaving his flat to accumulate many arrears and he was taken to court and royally shafted. He's now severely depressed, a shut in and has nothing or nobody.

Sweet.
(missc, Sat 23 Feb 2008, 15:15, 2 replies)

Ron Weasley playing poker...
... made me lol.

Then again if he has a "lucky hat" he's bound to be shit and lose all his and her money.

Yay karma!
(MJPerry was crude but clickable at, Sat 23 Feb 2008, 15:13, 1 reply)

This literally just happened
Well due to late booking, I was unable to get today off work to go watch a band. So naturally, I phoned in sick. I phone my good friend today to see what's happening with regards to another matter. Turns out although I've phoned in sick, he's actually real life sick.

No drinking for us tonight. Setback.
(Mart'n has managed to not be obscene since, Sat 23 Feb 2008, 13:52, Reply)

Genuine Hindu Karma
Kanniyakumari, Jan 2006: the Lands End of Southern India, meeting point of the Bay of Bengal, Indian Ocean & Arabian Sea. (Check it out here: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kanyakumari_%28town%29)

I was with my late wife Sue (yes, it's me again, & I still haven't got my tee-shirt, Chizz!)

We were staying in Kerela & had taken a train down there for the day. There are two tiny islands, one with a memorial to a Hindu Guru, the other has a temple. You can get a ferry round trip to visit them, which we did. Got to first island after interminable queueing for the boat & disembarked to explore the temple. Beautiful place, we really liked it but time was getting on & we wanted to make sure that we could get the train back to our lovely 5* hotel. Problem here: we didn't know when the last train left - we'd been told 6pm, 9pm, 5.30pm, etc, no-one seemed to know (any veteran of India will be familiar with this).

I was starting to fret big time & realised we didn't have time to go to the second island. Sue thought differently & we argued whilst standing in the next ferry queue. This culminated with me spluttering, "But we have a lovely hotel to go back to, I don't want to get stranded in THIS FUCKING PLACE!" The tall, well-dressed Indian gentleman with his family in front of us turned round & asked me, in perfect clipped English, where I was from. "Er, London" I said, sheepishly. "Oh, I thought so" he sneered before turning his back on me. I felt about two inches high.

So we boarded the ferry & in my state of extreme stress & anxiety I decided to stand by the open door, fearing an impending disaster (you read about it in the papers - 200 pilgrims drowned in Indian ferry horror, etc). Got to the next island but stayed on board to go straight back to the mainland. On the way back we were going sideways to the waves which were crashing against the side, covering us with spray. Then one huge wave hit & covered us. Me, being stood right by the open door got totally soaked. Cue much hilarity from rest of passengers, laughing hysterically & pointing at me. Someone grabbed my camera & took a pic of me totally drenched. (here: pic)

We landed & traipsed our way back to the station - about a mile walk with me dripping a trail of water all the way. Every so often we'd pass a family of pilgrims who would point at me and fall about laughing. Word had obviously got round the whole town in about 10 minutes & they were overjoyed at the comeuppance of a stupid Westerner who had had the temerity to swear whilst standing on one of the most sacred Hindu places in the world & think he'd get away with it.

True story, true Karma.

yes, yes, length, width, etc...
( Dunks, Sat 23 Feb 2008, 12:17, Reply)

Dead pigeon.
I threw a dead pigeon at my friend in the street once (Well I thought it was funny at the time!). After the bird intestines had splayed everywhere, I was told I'd get my comeuppance...soon...

A few weeks later, said friend spotted an even more decayed dead pigeon in the skate park and shoved it down the back of my shirt. It was festering with ants. I was screaming like a little kid.

Karma is a bitch.
(trippeh, Sat 23 Feb 2008, 12:14, 3 replies)

Sad, but true
Alright, im in a rush, so ill keep it short.

Few years back i was spottier, littler, and weedier... so naturally the big sporty cnuts liked to make Pointless feel like crap. One such lad, M, took pure pleasure in this.

One day, (and bear in mind... this IS true) i told him 'People like you are scum and i hope you die' right after he had thrown a bloody orange at my mate...

Two weeks later he got hit by a car and died.


Karma? Irony? Pah... That haunted me for years

EDIT: I realise the likeness to the one below me, it wasnt posted when i was posting this one... but this is still a true story
(Pointless as a chavs bathroom, Sat 23 Feb 2008, 11:25, 2 replies)

I have touched on this tale in the past.
Now, only this QOTW and dark chocolate are persuading me to tell it, mainly because it's something that affects me still today from time to time; when I get a bit low, it all comes back to me.

When I was a smaller Maladicta of about eleven, there was another new kid who joined our class at school. However, he was the total opposite of Stalker Boy, in that for some reason I still don't fully understand, he immediately took against me and made it his life's work to make me feel as miserable and unwelcome within about ten feet of him as possible. And by some horribly perverse twist of fate, I had a little girlie crush on him (do you ever wish that you could go back in time and slap your younger self silly? I do). He knew this all too well, and used it to his advantage to make things as difficult as possible for me. We shall call him Luke, for that was his name.

He quickly became extremely popular with the teachers, for as well as being "charming" and sweet to all outward appearances, he was a straight-A student who always did his homework and never got anything below 80% in an exam. He also became extremely popular with the girls in my year, not because he was attractive (he looked like an anorexic mole, or Rachelswipe's starving baby bird description) but because he was apparently very good at giving advice and was a good laugh. Over the course of the next few years, he managed to turn the entire school year, bar a couple of people (Stalker Boy, clearly, used to switch sides and would always delight in telling me what he'd said), but in the end they'd always cave to pressure and end up joining in.

Luke specialised not in physical violence, mainly because he was a weed of epic proportions, but he was a master at messing with your head. His favourite tricks were to steal my homework out of my desk or out of my books to make me look stupid when I came to hand it in, before saying "Oooo she's not done it, you should punish her, sir", hiding my books and homework planner (which if you lost for more than about a day every single teacher would throw a shitfit about), hacking my network user (in reality just leaning over my shoulder when I typed in my password, I suppose) and copying all my stuff onto the common drive (not that I had anything offensive on there, which didn't deter him because he just made textfiles saying "I, [Maladicta], love [History Teacher] and want his babies!!111" which got me into trouble), claimed to have hacked into my (locked) former blog and read all my secrets, yet was unable to produce evidence, repeatedly "went out" with (in other words, held hands with constantly, this was Year 9) my slaggy ex-best "friend" simply to mess with my head, and it was him who announced that I was "in love" with my history teacher to the entire school at the swimming gala, inventing a girlfriend who was "a model", when really her picture was just cut out of Sugar (this had no effect other than making me laugh at how far he was willing to go, including setting up a fake email account for her to yell at me off), in between telling me that he and no one else would ever love me or want to have sex with me because I was so fat and useless and ugly.

Why didn't I tell anyone? Because I knew I'd get no sympathy from anyone and because if I told any teachers, it would be my word against his and I already knew what a capable and manipulative liar he was. All it would have taken was a couple of tears from him, and I would be the bad guy. It just wasn't worth it.

By Year 10, then, I was a wreck; no self-confidence at all, virtually no friends (unless you count Stalker Boy, and I don't), no life outside of school other than the ones I made online (who were a great help to me, and I'm still in touch with a lot of them). I'm merely focused on one thing: getting him to leave me alone and to finally quit hurting me. By this stage, everyone and their dog had MSN and he'd bugged me on it for some time, not least when anyone I liked (he always seemed to find out) got a girlfriend, and one day, after enjoying taunting me because I was "on the shelf, where you'll always be" I finally snapped and told him he was a manipulative, twisted bastard who didn't deserve to live, and that I hated him and hoped he died. The ensuing row continued for about five minutes, with him mocking me, saying I "always have to be the tragic victim" and telling me how pathetic I was to even think anyone cared about me. And finally, I got a backbone. BLOCK.

This was just before the start of Year 11, and by then, something had snapped inside me and I was refusing to take any more of his crap. I blocked every single email address he'd ever used to annoy me, deleted him off my MSN and made it clear to anyone who talked to me that if they added him into the conversation, I would do the same to them. He found ways to get around this, like getting his cousin's friend, who just happened to be a lesbian (he was trying to convince me that the reason no one would go out with me was because I was secretly gay) to chat me up over MSN, and when he was mentioned "he just wants to be your friend". I ignored him at school to the point of not even registering he'd said anything to me, and not even acknowledging his existence by the end of the year. Gradually, I felt better, and this was made even better one evening when I was talking to a newish friend of mine online (hello Pete) and he said "look, Luke wants me to add him in, if he says anything mean you can leave straight away but he says it's important". I reluctantly agree, and he says (and this is why I hate people who type like this over the internets - why type like a retard if you're supposed to be so intelligent?) "after GCSE, im movin 2 Canada!!!".

One victory lap of the house later, I sit down at the PC again and type "oh that's nice."

Of course, as soon as word got out that he was leaving, there was teenage drama aplenty: girls clinging to him begging him not to leave, saying they'd miss him soooooo much and that he had to come back to visit, and then telling me I was "heartless" for saying I wouldn't miss "lovely" Luke.

Finally, he was gone, and life went on like it had done before, but with a lot less angsting, bar a letter he sent me (address courtesy - surprise surprise - of Stalker Boy), saying that he had only ever picked on me "because u were different" and trying to justify his actions by saying "I didn't know how 2 treat u other than 2 be mean 2 u and I still think ur bein harsh cuz u won't talk 2 me" (he actually wrote like this, in posh fountain pen, it was quite surreal). I think part of it was that we were all growing up, and bar the odd mention of his name, and Stalker Boy mooning over how much he missed him (he fancied him, I later discovered), things were pretty much as good as they could be. He came back to England for the last week we were all at school and true to form, picked up exactly where he left off, meaning I got a lot of texts from him wanting to "meet up" and saying he couldn't wait to see me on Friday. I don't mind admitting I ignored him, just as I used to, that Friday, and never said a word to him the entire day: not that he would have needed it, being surrounded by his entourage yet again. And so, I left the school confident that he would never see me or be able to hurt me again.

Two months later, quite late in the evening, I get several missed calls on my phone, all from "Stalker Boy Home". We still had dialup at the time, so I disconnect and call him back, figuring he wants to talk about our up and coming trip of nightmares to Spain (if there's ever another Holidays from Hell, I will talk about this too). I get his mum, who asks to talk to mine, and after about five minutes, mum puts her hand over the receiver and informs me in hushed tones that Luke is dead. The phone then gets passed to me, and all I hear is the sobbing of Stalker Boy, interspersed with odd words that sound like "forgive and forget" and "he never meant you any harm". Eventually he manages to tell me what happened, that there was an accident on some highway where he was living, and that the car was totalled. My first thought, I'm ashamed to say, was "Karma's a bitch".

And that is why I hate public school, although I'm now living a life I never thought I would: at uni, with plenty of friends (bar the odd stalkery type) and a boyfriend who loves me to bits and treats me like a princess (aww), not least because he understands and is willing to put up with the fact I have moments where my self-esteem is nonexistent. I call that karma.

Apologies for length, it's cathartic.
( Maladicta, Sat 23 Feb 2008, 11:22, 17 replies)

God works in mysterious ways....
Apologies for the length!

Lets start about four or five years ago, I met and became good friends with a guy who worked in television. We got on really well, and he became 'my gay best friend'. As it transpires, he was a slippery as hell, so let's just refer to him as Mr Snakey. He was a snake in human disguise.
There's no denying we did have some really good laughs. He had some annoying habits, which I chose to overlook (no-ones perfect etc etc) The main one being that he was a pathologica liar, something that became more and more evident over time. I would sit in a bar and watch him tell bare faced lies to friends and strangers. As I said, he worked fairly high up in TV, and would regale everyone with tales of how he had slept with/been made a pass at by most major celebrities. God knows why, he is about 5 stone overweight, balding, and not particularly attractive. His ego knew no bounds.


What most people didn't know was that Mr Slippery Snake led a completely different life. He was in massive debt, had credit card bills and store card demands piling up on his doormat. Probably about £75k in debt, and he didn't even have a mortgage. Paying sky high rent on a palace, just to impress people, Although he told everyone he owned it and had paid off the mortgage.... His debt was a result of trying to buy the attention and affection of people by buying huge rounds in bars, and shovelling copious amounts of class A Drugs up his nose. by the time I met him, I wasn't completely aware of the level of debt, as this was something else he chose to lie about.


So when Mr Snakey loses his job a few months after I meet him, I am happy to go along with and pay the majority of bills when we went out. I have a fairly menial job, and don't earn a lot of money, but had some savings from a redundancy package. (conservative estimate spent on being his friend £7-8k, including taking him on weekends away, paying his utility bills to prevent him being cut off etc etc, and his rent to prevent him being evicted. His response was always - 'I'm gonna get that big shot job in TV soon, and will pay you back every penny you have spent' At this point, can I add, I hadn't realised quite what a bullshitter he was.

Added to which I also lent him money, roughly £5k, to pay off baliffs when they came to seize his car and worldly goods for non payment of debts, and fines at the county court so he wouldn't be imprisoned. Even attending court with him, to watch him lie to the Judge.

Eventually he does get a new job, in a major TV production company, earning silly money, that he now uses to buy new celebrity friends by throwing money and class A drugs at them. (Wish I had the nerve to go to The News of the World:-) It's quite sad really, he deludes himself they like him. Coke heads would be friends with Fred West if he was throwing Columbian marching powder around...You'll see his name from time to time, on TV Credits.

It was at this point that It slowly dawned on me what a mug I had been. Now he had a little money in his pocket, my usefulness was expiring rapidly. Mr Snake now had new friends and workmates to impress, and sponge from, and never had any time for me, was always too busy with work etc etc. To compound this I was having some really bad financial problems. At this point I decided to send him an email asking him to start paying back the £5k I had lent him. Suprise suprise, all I got was bullshit, how his car needed new parts, he had a large tax bill, how his landlord had increased the rent (and he still has a huge amount of debt) Added to which, from friendship that had been a almost daily contact in phone calls/texts or get togethers, he decided to cut me completely from his life, would not answer phone calls, emails, texts, which hurt a great
deal.
He absolutely broke my heart, how he used me, and how manipulatively he had behaved, unfortunately something that was only apparent with hindsight.
Karma?
Three weeks ago my numbers came up on Euromillions and I netted just over £1.5 million pounds.

No doubt he'll hear about it eventually, although I am keeping it very low key. Ironically, if it had happened six months ago, he would have been the first person I would have rung, and his debts would have been wiped out in an instant.
He did me a favour, that Despicable Mr Snakey. I am now very wary of people where money is concerned.
Now, as the interest on my fortune just grows, so does the interest on his debts.
Karma? - I should say so......
(fred astaire ate my ham sandwich, Sat 23 Feb 2008, 10:53, 11 replies)