when I was a wee bastard
something was wrong with the truck, my dad pops the hood and goes to investigate, after a minute's lull i then beep the horn thinking it outrageously funny, and thinking he would too - until marches back into the truck, yells in his scary father-diaphragm voice, nearly pulls my arm out of its socket and dumps my bag of skittles on the ground.

learned me good, the old bastard
( AgentMuu hentai coordination, Sun 20 Apr 2008, 18:11, Reply)

Not me
but Mis'ess.f

I am informed that as a wee nipper she:

Didn't like the colour of the bathroom so proceeded to redecorate with her bright pink toothpaste

Wasn't sure which apple would taste the best, so had a bite from every single one in the fruit bowl.

Tried to eat a slab of butter.

Didn't like chicken, so when in the supermarket, poked holes in every chicken related thing she could see.

What a little terror, and I could end up with little versions of her...

Bugger.
( mister.f is now married, Sun 20 Apr 2008, 17:29, Reply)

Flushing
When my brother was small and my sister even smaller and I was many years away in the future, my sister wanted to go to the loo. My brother volunteered to take her and Mum, being busy, let him.

He took her off to the loo and sat her up on the seat forgetting the child's extra seat that was supposed to go on.

A minute or so later he went running off to get my Mum as "Jean is falling down the loo!"

My Mum arrived to find my sister wedged down the toilet with only her legs, arms and head showing.

My brother swears it was an accident but Jean still says he did it deliberately.
(BearWithLittleBrain, Sun 20 Apr 2008, 17:27, Reply)

My niece
Is probably one of the brightest kids I've ever met. A consequence of this brightness is that she talks a lot, and when younger would constantly ask questions. One day she was out with her Dad, when a helicopter passed overhead.

"Do you know what that is Daddy?" she asked, pointing skywards.

"Yes" replied her father, "it's a helicopter".

"No it isn't!", she replied matter of factly, "it's a Sikorsky" (not sure of spelling).

She was four.

On another occassion, we all trooped off to Wales for a family wedding, at which she was a bridesmaid. My sister had drilled into her that she mustn't talk during the ceremony, as it was very important that the bride and groom could hear what the vicar was saying (even if it was in Welsh), and that church was a serious place in which to be. Plus God would be angry if anyone interrupted.

I was sat a couple of rows behind her, some way to the right, and thought that she was being particularly well behaved and good for managing to stay quiet.

Then I saw why she was being quiet. In a bid to keep her mind active, but ensure that she didn't talk because God would be upset with her, she was gesturing with her finger at the organ pipes. And then I noticed that she was silently mouthing to herself "one, two, three, four, five..."

Yep. She was counting the number of pipes, bless her.

As soon as we left the church, she exploded in a tirade of babble, unable to keep quiet any longer.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Sun 20 Apr 2008, 17:21, Reply)

Pea-roast
www.youtube.com/watch?v=zkSdM6p2G98
( cynfulcynner ...another American nutter, Sun 20 Apr 2008, 16:07, Reply)

My niece is two
so I am very careful not to swear around her. But last weekend I taught her to say "drag queen."
( cynfulcynner ...another American nutter, Sun 20 Apr 2008, 16:01, Reply)

Scream a Little Scream . . . .
www.amiright.com/parody/60s/mamacass0.shtml
(lucidlupin, Sun 20 Apr 2008, 15:57, Reply)

Not mine but still funny
When watching The Simpsons Movie at the cinema last year, there was a mum with her kid and kid's friend. The kids must have only been about 5 years old, and were talking loudly throughout the film, which was quite annoying. However they redeemed themselves at the bit where the two policemen are start kissing in an alleyway when Marge is on the run. Once the coppers stared their snog, the two kids at the tops of their voices shouted "Urgh, that's gay!" Funniest part of the film without a doubt.
(hutchers, Sun 20 Apr 2008, 14:32, 1 reply)

Not exactly a kid
I've just realised my brother can just win at this QOTW

18 year old, to my prior knowledge had never had a girlfriend. Morbidly obese, has only recently gotten a part time job. Has spent the past two years doing nothing but play on his Xbox 360 (It's not a joke. He would go weeks on end not leaving the upper floor of the house.)
He also watched Father Ted for a month and became Catholic. Again, not joking.* His goal in life is to "Become Irish"

He has the mentality and giggle of a five year old.

All in all he is a good brother though.
And I do score free Wow Subscriptions!




* The celibacy is a good excuse for him.
(Ellytots Last thought of chocolate on, Sun 20 Apr 2008, 14:14, Reply)

at the cinema
last year watching spider man 3 obviously the cinema was overrun with other peoples offspring, there was this particular kid (must have been 4 or 5) sat in the row in front of us who roughly half way through the film got restless and started running around everywhere. eventually his (non-chavvy surprisingly) mother told him to sit down his reply of "fuck off" has us all in stitches as his whole family unhappliy marched him out of the cinema

the film itself was shite but it was well worth the money just to see that
( Reme Philips laid an epic dump on, Sun 20 Apr 2008, 14:08, Reply)

Watch Out For The Big Man - He's Watching You....
.
I must have been about ten or eleven when this happened.

My dad had made an enormous batch of home-brew and it was all sitting in the pantry. (yes, our council house had a pantry. Kids, ask your parents what the were...) So I decided to filch some.

30 minutes later, me and a mate, Danny, were sitting in the local graveyard (well it was the nearest quiet place where we weren't likely to be caught) swigging my dads home brew.

Well this didn't go very well. I'd never drank before and this stuff was rocket fuel. I got very pissed, very quickly, and I had no idea why I felt so terrible. My head was spinning, I felt sick - I was going home. So I picked up my bike, got on it and powered for home.

5 seconds later the front wheel fell off my bike. I went arse-over-tit into a gravestone and freaked-out, big style. In my drunken state I was convinced that GOD had looked down from Heaven and saw me drinking STOLEN BEER, and, to make it worse, on hallowed ground, and had reached down with his invisible, magic finger and made my front wheel fall off.

I legged it for home, howling like a banshee, convinced that God and all his Angles were coming to punish me, and collapsed in a drunken hysterical mess at home....

Oddly enough I didn't get into the slightest bit of trouble. I think mum thought I'd been punished enough and Dad never knew.

It was three years before I had the courage to drink again.

Cheers,
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Sun 20 Apr 2008, 13:02, 2 replies)

The joys of accidental child racism.
I was once in Iceland with my mum (the best of all cheapo supermarkets), happily toddling along putting things in the trolley I shouldn't have and forcing her to take them out again. Upon reaching the till, I waited at the end of the desk, content with watching the magical conveyor belt know when to stop and start. I looked up and saw something unusual, something my young eyes hadn't seen very often.

"Mummy", I said, pointing to the young mixed race woman sat behind the till, "why's that lady coffee coloured?"

I got rushed out of the shop so fast my feet barely touched the ground, but the poor woman found it hilarious, thank god.
( Bats, Sun 20 Apr 2008, 12:39, Reply)

Lies
When I was evil step dad to two rather lovely little girls I used to take great pleasure in concocting all manner of lies to answer there questions, and believe me little kids can ask questions all day long.
One particularly inspired untruth occurred one day when littlest saw the pool table key I had attached to my key ring. This key was one of those round ones, like to a bicycle lock, and she asked what it was. Being the quick witted fellow I am I pronounced that it was the key to her belly button, into which it miraculously fitted. The story followed that when she was even littler she used to eat things she shouldn't and the doctors, fed up of opening her up every time, just gave me and her mum the key to her belly. Having not eaten the wrong things for a while the key slot, I informed her, had grown over so I could no longer open her belly, and that explained why she was the only member of the family with an out-ie belly button.
Aged 6, three years on, she still believes this lie, and whenever she sees someone with a d-lock key she proudly announces that I have one of them, and it's the key to her belly.

Not sure if this fits in to the QotW, but ho hum
( monkeyboyalpha jumping on the bandwagon since, Sun 20 Apr 2008, 11:14, Reply)

When I Was A Kid
.
My dad tied a bone around my neck so the dog would play with me.....


:(

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Sun 20 Apr 2008, 5:23, 3 replies)

Frazzle Frazzle Frazzle
When I was about 13, I used to spend every weekend with my best friend. Thing is, we lived quite far apart so one week he'd stay over at mine, the next I'd stay at his. One week his little cousin was staying over. He must have been about 8. These days, he'd probably be diagnosed with ADD but in those days he was a 'hyperactive little shit'.

After some hours, we got a bit impatient with the little bundle of despair so decided to annoy him as much as we could. It turned out this wasn't hard. We would simply whisper to each other in the childish manner of 'pppssswwwssswsss' that you do. He soon figured this out though, so we stepped up to Stage Two of our highly sophisticated plan: whisper 'Frazzle Frazzle Frazzle' (yes, we did eat many packs over the weekend).

Cue one child going absolutely mental at the merest mention of 'Frazzle'. What did it mean? Why did the bigger boys know about it and I didn't? etc etc

The highlight came when we (me, my frend, his mum, the cousin and the aunt) were all having a rather civilised lunch in the back garden when the aunt offered the child some crisps:

'Do you want some Frazzles?' she asked
'I HATE YOU!' came the reply as the kid hastily slid off his shoe, threw it square into her face, and ran away crying.

We managed to stifle our laughter while the kid was whisked away, leaving us to play Duke Nukem for the rest of the day.
( thiswasmyclone, Sun 20 Apr 2008, 3:01, 2 replies)

When I was but a wee one
in a restaurant with my parents, I went into the loo. I returned with an eager question, "Mum, Dad, what's a condom?". After a slightly hushed but fairly accurate description, I was satisfied. Then, when it came time to pay the bill, my Mum lamented the fact that my Dad couldn't get the waitress' attention. Eager to try out my new word, I suggested helpfully "Why don't you wave a condom at her?".

My humour was not gratefully received.
(LickOutTheJamsMotherfuckers!, Sun 20 Apr 2008, 2:15, Reply)

Two true tales
Both from around the same time - my son was very young, around 2 years old. The first was just sort of funny (after the fact). The second, I still don't know.

The first: we were in the local swimming playpark - not a proper pool, just rubber rings, and a wave pool, and jacuzzi beds. Leith Waterworld - always a handy weekend destination. Coming out of the wave pool, my son sees a very large lady spilling out of her costume in all directions and pipes up: "Fucking troll! Fucking troll, Daddy!" He's not being quiet, and half the poolgoers hear this, especially as he's pointing straight at her. She goes scarlet and scurries away. I tell him I'm very cross with him, he's being very rude, and we're going home now. This does not make him happy. I pick him up and cart him off to find my wife, who's on the jacuzzi beds, and tell her we'll be leaving, even though we've only been there 10 minutes.

"Why, what's the matter?"

"Well, your son just called a woman a very nasty name."

At this, Little Sasquatch speaks up: "Not nasty. She fucking troll!" Mrs Sasquatch blanches, and asks him where he's heard such horrible language.

"Thomas Tank!"

It takes a few moments, but understanding slowly dawns. "Oh, you meant 'Fat Controller!" We leave anyway - the thought of trying to deliver that explanation to the lady in question just didn't appeal somehow.


The second one weirds me out to this day. We were in a mini-mall, and waiting outside the health food shop, as it was tiny, and packed, and didn't need all three of us to go in for a few bits of shopping. Across the way was one of those art/print/poster shops, and in the window was a print of the classic Barrie Clark picture of a Spitfire. More interesting to a small child than rice and spices, I thought, so we went over.

"Isn't that a nice aeroplane?" I say.
"Spitfire." says my not-two-year-old son.
"What...?"
"Spitfire." he repeats.

It's not written on it anywhere, and he's not reading yet anyway. How the hell does he know?

Then he says, clearly, and in a broad Yorkshire accent: "Aye, that's the one. We can do it. Give 'em hell, lads!" Then he looks up at me and repeats, as if he's the one speaking to a small child: "Spitfire."

At this point Mrs Sasquatch emerges with shopping and he runs over to greet her. The moment, whatever it was, is over, and he never makes further mention of it. It kind of stuck in my mind though, although I never heard from our own personal 'Captain Howdy' ever again.
(Leo Sasquatch hates being the grown-up, Sun 20 Apr 2008, 1:56, 9 replies)

Think About The Children!!!!!
.
Dread words. In today's society, there are two buttons that Government use to control the drones and pass more and more laws to control us.

Terrorism and Paedophilia.

When they propose these measures, and invoke one of the Holy Duality, all dissent is stifled and anyone who disagrees with Government is either a terrorist or a child molester. (Which I find incredibly ironic as the first time the Government used the Parliament Act was to ram through Tony Blair's Buggering Little Boys Bill)

The results of a lot of these new "safety measures" have affected society in a completely negative way. Take a couple of examples.

For years, decades, the local nursery has been bring their charges down to the beach to play and build sandcastles. Today, all that's gone.In order to take the kids to the Beach, the nursery has to fill out a Risk Assessment Visit prior to the trip. The Risk Assessment then has to be agreed by the local council and the Nursery's Insurers before the trip can take place. No more:

"It's a lovely day, let's take the kids to the beach..."

A second case is a mate of mine Tommy. Tommy's in his mid-60's, ex-prison officer and a lovely bloke. He's often found in the harbour messing around on his boat. In times past village mothers with young kids on the beach would often ask Tommy to keep an eye on the kids while they nipped to the loo. Tommy would agree and benevolently watch the kids from his boat.

"Not these days Legless" he moaned "I just can't risk it. The tiniest thing can be mistaken for something else and then you're in the shit."

His views were coloured by his experience as a Prison Officer. He looked after some poor bastard who had been locked up solely on the words on 2 13 year olds who accused a mentally subnormal bloke of touching them up. He was inside for two years before one of them confessed that they'd made it up because he wouldn't give them money for cigarettes.

It only takes the suspicion that someone's a kiddie-fiddler these days before the witch-hunt starts. And, once you've been accused (whether you're innocent or guilty) you're fucked.

So that leaves us with a society where people are keeping their heads down, not getting involved and avoiding the collective responsibility that used to keep kids safe.

Youth organisations now have falling numbers of volunteers willing to give up their time to teach kids. Scouts, Cubs, Youth Clubs - all have trouble finding people willing to give up some time as prospective volunteers are all too aware that it only takes one little shit to claim he's been "inappropriately touched" and their world falls apart.

Don't get me wrong. This isn't about defending kiddie-fiddlers. There *are* predators out there. There are people who will take advantage of a kids trust or innocence to do nasty things to them. And when we catch them you can geld the fuckers with a hot iron in my opinion. There's just not as many as the Government would have you think.


Discuss.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Sun 20 Apr 2008, 1:31, 9 replies)

This is a bit embarrassing but...
I've been told that my way with words as a child was creative, to say the least. My slang word for candy, for example, was the same as most people's slang word for poo. I would frequently yell throughout the store: "Mama! Can I get caca?"

I wish that were the worst of it, but another example that makes me cringe to this day is my first encounter with someone from another race. When a black men bent to smile at me from my stroller, I at once (allegedly) cried out...

"Look, mom! A monkey!"

*Cringe*

The thing I admire most about my mother is the fact that she was able to restrain herself from drowning me in a bathtub at the age of three.
(BrainSurgerysFun, Sun 20 Apr 2008, 0:33, Reply)

Handy Home Hint
I babysat my niece's two little girls overnight when they were about 2 and 3 years old. Being in the urban wilderness of Brisbane, a nightly occurrence was the visitation of possums dropping down from a Moreton Bay fig tree onto the galvanised iron roof, hoping to cadge a free meal of fruit either from me or the banana, mango or pawpaw trees in the backyard.

The reverberating bangs on the roof as possum after possum landed, followed by their footsteps across the roof terrified the wee ones so, being ever resourceful, I lied to them, went and got some potatoes out and lined them across the back door, promising the girls that the possums' enemy was the potato and they would never dare to come inside if there were potatoes at the door.

Forward on 15 years and my niece recently told me that, for quite a number of years, it was a nightly rule that all doors to the outside at whatever place she was renting had to have potatoes lined up across the doorways. (Hehehe)

I am now teaching one of my grand-nieces the evils of eBay buying - I think she's hooked!
(AnnaKissed, Sat 19 Apr 2008, 23:53, Reply)

The bane of my life
I work in a cinema, and on the weekends the brats literally swarm over the place like flies. Some child related antics just from today..
A) A group (about 10) were sitting on a table in the foyer. As I walked past, one boy pointed to another boy and shouted at me "HE JUST SAID YOU'RE HIS GIRLFRIEND!" to cries of "oooooooooooooh!" from everyone else to "NO! NO I DIDN'T! WHAT YOU TALKING ABOUT! I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING!" as if this statement was legally binding. Everybody laughs.

B) Kids spitting from the upper level onto customers on the lower level. Manager runs like a twat after them. Everybody laughs.

C) A fight broke out between some Somali kids in one of the screens. A knife was pulled, the police were called, the kids were banned. My (black) friend says "You can't take us anywhere!" Everybody laughs.

My life is shit.
(reducedfatLOLcat, Sat 19 Apr 2008, 23:27, 4 replies)

My Cousin
I use to wear a lot of Bandanas (Usually with Skulls, and stuff on them) My fairly young cousin at the time (2ish) use to cry/run/hid whenever I was near her ( We could be a big hall with me at the other end and she was the same)

This lasted for nearly 4/5 years. Never could figure out why.
(Dante licked your nipple on, Sat 19 Apr 2008, 23:01, Reply)

Me nephew Fin (same one from a prev QOTW answer), now aged 4.....
...today, giving him a lift home after babysitting him for a bit. In the car I decide to try some small talk, keen to get a result for the b3ta qotw.

"Fin?"
"Yeah uncle Jeccy?"
"I saw you kissing Santa Claus." I smirk and wait to see how he reacts.
"Jeccy, I saw you kissing Santa Claus'es willy."

Touche little cunt, touche.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Sat 19 Apr 2008, 22:50, Reply)

I really love mine...
She's only 1 day old. And my first one too.

Long, long labour but definitely worth it in the end as I have a beautiful little girl.
(parsnips, Sat 19 Apr 2008, 21:01, 9 replies)

They don't miss a thing
1st post after 1 year 10 months & 23 days of lurking !
here goes
Livid was born & brought up Christian(until he left the "straight & narrow path" to enjoy the pleasures of chemical induced 'bliss'), Mrs livid is born Jewish.

When our eldest little livid was 7, his teacher at his 'secular' school was discussing with the class their various religions based on their parents beliefs, there were the usual responses Christian, Muslim, Jewish, Buddhist, Hindu, Atheist etc.

Obviously there were a couple of "all sorts", products of modern mixed religious relationships. 1/2 Muslim 1/2 Christian, 1/2 Buddhist 1/2 Hindu, 1/2 Jewish 1/2 Muslim(i doubt it), 1/2 Christian 1/2 Jewish, you get the picture.
"& you young livid ?"
"I'm 1/2 Jewish & 1/2 recovering addict" !

We have been battling for playmates parents to allow their kids to come over to our place ever since !

length ? 8 years 5 months & 20 days
(livid X my heart & hope u die, Sat 19 Apr 2008, 20:53, 1 reply)

That told me
My 3 year old would go around insisting he was 3 1/2. If you ever said he was 3, he'd correct you immediately and give you a good telling off. The truth of the matter is that he was 3 1/2 and that half is very important when you're that young.

Anyway, dinner time comes and betpet jr. wont eat it all. Daddy has a great idea and says, "Well, that is as much as a 3 year old can eat. A 3 1/2 year old would be able to eat it all! Are you 3 or 3 1/2?"

I was dead proud of myself for coming up with a great bit of psychology.

"I'm 3", he replied and off he pops to play out in the back garden.

I couldn't bring myself to stop him as I was laughing too hard.

Moral of the story? Don't try and outsmart kids - they're far cleverer than us adults!
( betpet is the fun in dysfunctional, Sat 19 Apr 2008, 20:26, Reply)

What words are bad?
I was visiting some friends, they were looking after their four year old niece. "You gotta hear this.", said the youngster's Auntie.

Auntie asked the girl, "What are the words you are not supposed to say?"

The toddler replied earnestly, "Not supposed to say shit, not suppose to say fuck, not supposed to say cocksucker, not supposed to say motherfucker..."

This went on for about ten minutes, I think I learned a few new curse words. The tyke's mother really taught her well!
(Dneprdave, Sat 19 Apr 2008, 20:11, Reply)

My brother
When he was young (2 or 3), we were at my new cousin's Christening.

He was left in the care of my grandfather as my parents were occupied being godparents and the like.

Just as the vicar's about to do the bit with the water and the baby, and a reverential silence descends upon the church...

"GRANDAD! WHY'S THE VICAR GOT NO HAIR?"
( le brian, Sat 19 Apr 2008, 19:53, Reply)