The parents vs. the childless
What we really, really want to know about the joyous miracle of creating a new life is...

...from then on, is sex like throwing a sausage into a bucket?
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 15:11, 83 replies)

Yes
It is!

EDIT: I may or may not have had a bad experience.
( Cawl, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 15:13, closed)

With a bucket or
with a new mum?
( Bazongaloid, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 15:14, closed)

Not if the right exercises are done!
or put it another way - I still have a grip like a pensioner with a pound note!
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Wed 23 Apr 2008, 15:15, closed)

With a
New-ish mum.

Er... *blinks*

*re-reads*

*thinks of 4pm*
( Cawl, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 15:16, closed)

I have a friend who is a physiotherapist
She once showed me a piece of kit they use for strengthening the vaginal muscles. I was the weirdest thing I've ever seen. It was like a miniature multigym with weights and pullies and tiny weights.
(Errorist, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 15:17, closed)

@Kaol
That's probably just down to the person you were with.

I've been with three or four mums, two had had collapsed cervixes during the birth, thus making them almost unbearably tight and the other two were just fine.

you just have a little willy
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 15:18, closed)

@Errorist - that'd be
the Mimsy3000.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 15:18, closed)

Did you see
Dawn Porter's programme about babies? She followed a new mum through pregnancy and childbirth, and interviewed the woman about 6 weeks after the baby was born.

One of Dawn's questions was (I'm paraphrasing, but not by much), "How is sex now? Is your fanny slacker than it was?"

To which the reply was, "No, we started having sex four weeks after the baby was born and if anything it's tighter than it was before".

Dawn was sufficiently impressed and amazed at this revelation. As was I.

Mind you, she could have had a fanny like the Mersey Tunnel to begin with.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 15:18, closed)

@Burt
*cries*
That's entirely possible.
:(
( Cawl, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 15:19, closed)

I'm sure it's not, K
Give us a look.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 15:20, closed)

@Kaol
Aaaaw now, don't cry, size isn't important.

*Underwear bursts into flames*
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Wed 23 Apr 2008, 15:21, closed)

TWW
Ahahahaha!

You maked me do a larf.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 15:21, closed)

Nope
Just less frequent.

(Sobs uncontrollably while twitching slightly)
(osok Rebel without a clue, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 15:22, closed)

@Burt
That isn't going to work, nice try.

The fact that she was a gigantic slapper may factor in as well.
Not my finest hour...

@TWW - *thumbs down*
We all know that's a lie. Flaming underwear or not.
Although, scar tissue may bulk it out a bit... Hmmm...

*grabs petrol and matches*
( Cawl, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 15:22, closed)

@Kaol
that'll be it then.

To be honest, all women are different anyway, some are tighter than a duck's arse, despite being total slappers, some are like a soggy windsock, it's all swings and roundabouts really.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 15:23, closed)

...
I am genuinely curious (about the answer to the original question, not about Kaol's cock). You hear rumours, but no one openly talks about it and, well, b3ta is about breaking down such barriers (like it or not).
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 15:23, closed)

^Breaking down barriers is putting it lightly....
More like ripping them down with our bare hands and shredding them like tissue paper.
( girlinthehole, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 15:26, closed)

@CHCB
*puts on serious face*

I refer you, learned friend, to my earlier response.

Joking aside, pelvic floor exercises should mean there's no discernable physical difference. Unless new mum is badly mangled (and let's not go there, eh folks?) the muscles in question are pretty flexible. Practically speaking, though, with a new baby in the house most parents are lucky if they have the energy, far less the opportunity.
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Wed 23 Apr 2008, 15:27, closed)

Nofx
I like the way the band Nofx put it.

"It's like feeding a tic-tac to a whale, that's why I love her"

They were talking about having a overweight girlfriend though.
(oeb, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 15:28, closed)

Apparently
vaginoplasty is pretty big in the states. Saw a programme where women who child birth didn't treat too well and had collapsed vaginal walls were undergoing expensive plastic surgery.
(Errorist, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 15:28, closed)

@TWW
Surely sex just gets more and more awkward, and less and less spontaineous the older your children get?
( Cawl, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 15:29, closed)

@TWW This^^^^
Though, everybody knows that for some reason women get the extreme horn around their mid-thirties.
That's how I learned everything I know. (ie lie there and do as you're told)
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 15:29, closed)

Since we're doing the barriers thing
CHCB, you have mentioned on previous posts about being with two lovers at the same time so, my question is, where did they hang their coats? Do you have lots of spare hooks, or did they have to hang them on top of each other. I only ask as we have guests for dinner and I've only put up three coat hooks and two of those will be holding the coats of mine and my girlfriends
( Bazongaloid, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 15:29, closed)

Asking a couple of my work chums....
...who are newish Dads, no it doesn't. Though they do now want to know why I am interested in the tightness/slackness of their respective partners. "Just wondering" is apparently not a satisfactory answer.
(Big Smurf Brush me daddy-O, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 15:30, closed)

However
Having small people wake up unexpectedly is not a good thing.

Picture the scene: Sunday morning, Dawn's Rosy Fingers coming through the curtains (must have a word with her about that), both awake, coherent, neither with corrosive morning breath, Jiggy Time is here! (Patter of tiny feet) "Morning Mummy, Morning Daddy, can we go to the park?"

*wilt*

*spacehoppers*


How he made it to four, I have no idea.
(osok Rebel without a clue, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 15:31, closed)

@ al - they weren't wearing coats
it was summer time, mostly.

Wait! Was that a euphemism?


@WeeWitch - yes, I also always wondered who could muster the strength after what is consistently described as hellish labour and knackering infants. My body won't respond if I'm even a little bit sleepy. Can't be much of a laugh for new parents.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 15:31, closed)

@Smurf
The first rule of B3ta is You Do Not Talk About B3ta
( Cawl, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 15:31, closed)

@al
Pffft!

Coats are the new goats.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 15:31, closed)

Depends on their ages.
My littlest still goes to sleep pretty early, and my eldest often stays over at friends.

Then there are Sunday mornings, new film on the UCI, "Yes, they'd love to stay at granny's" weekends ....

We don't do too badly.
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Wed 23 Apr 2008, 15:32, closed)

Dear God
Can we go off-thread and talk about the genetic consequences / morality of two disabled people trying for a baby please?

Or something. (Wouldn't it be novel to have a non serious post be hijacked by a thread that went into deep psychological discussion, insteead of the other way round)?

Kidding. Which way to the goats?


Geddit? Kidding! Eh? Sometimes I hurt myself with stuff like that

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 23 Apr 2008, 15:34, closed)

@DG
nah, never going to happen!
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Wed 23 Apr 2008, 15:34, closed)

I was being serious with this question
though admittedly I couched it in semi-flippant terms.

Please hijack and make it more serious, anyone who desires to do so.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 15:35, closed)

10p tax bracket
Has Alastair Darlings promise to compensate those who are losing out irrevocably damaged the governments credibility in financial matters? Or can they talk their way out of this? And when CHCB says "at the same time" did she mean they didn't know about each other, spitroasting or the full DP action.
( Bazongaloid, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 15:36, closed)

@CHCB
I was serious, it's really not the case, it depends from woman to woman and I don't think that having kids has alot to do with it.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 15:36, closed)

Still hasn't persuaded me that
Kids don't wreck your sex life.

Saying that, it's not like I've got one at the moment, just the once-a-week-Wednesday-wonder.

*sweet anticipation*
( Cawl, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 15:37, closed)

@althegeordie
I think what's equally damaging is the fact that this was announced in March 2007 and the thick buggers in Parliament have only just realised the impact on the lowest earning portion of society when it actually took effect.

*takes off serious hat*
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Wed 23 Apr 2008, 15:39, closed)

@al
Alistair Darling's a cunt. Do you think his pubes match his eyebrows, or his hair? Which is it Alistair - the country demands to know!





WeeWitch - you're right, it's impossible.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 23 Apr 2008, 15:39, closed)

My Dad told me...
That Mum went from Butler's cuff to Wizard's sleeve...
(wrigglesworth, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 15:39, closed)

@wrigglesworth
I thought my family were bad! That's just WRONG.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 15:40, closed)

Alistair Darling's Eyebrows
Are in no way remotely as sinister as Des Browne's earlobes.
(osok Rebel without a clue, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 15:41, closed)

"Alistair Darling's a cunt"
Yep... Before he took his current position, he's the cunt that gave the green light to them putting an airport on my house.

Thanks, twat.
( Cawl, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 15:41, closed)

@Kaol
why, did you leave the landing lights on?
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 15:42, closed)

@CHCB
damn, you beat me to it!
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Wed 23 Apr 2008, 15:43, closed)

^CHCB
Ow ow ow, that was just plain bad of you.
(osok Rebel without a clue, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 15:44, closed)

I hate
You all, I physicaly recoiled at that terrible joke.
( Cawl, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 15:45, closed)

I also like wizard's sleeve
to describe an overstretched blit.
I had an episiotomy, then still tore from arsehole to breakfast time.
Having left Sweary Junior's dad before he was born, I remained single and celibate for a couple of years - so cannot comment on the immediate effects of childbirth.

Once back on the saddle however, my hole did not feel like a welly-top.

I did find the whole process psychologically off-putting though. It's hard to view your threepenny-bits as sexual once they've produced milk. And your love tunnel has been a birth canal....
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 15:46, closed)

*replaces serious hat*
GRRAAAGHHHHH*tries desperately to condense abject rage at so many failings in government into coherent argument*AARRRGGGGHHHH

*fails*

What really pisses me off, is that total c*nt Boris Johnson is quite likely to win the bloody mayoral election because of the f*&$ing Evening facist rag Standard.

*further rage*

*regains calm for a second*

AND, AND the tories will almost certainly get in next election, not through being any good, or coming up with better policies, or being less corrupt lying fucktards, but simply because the Labour Party, and by that I really mean Blair and his army of retarded yes men, have managed to spunk away the biggest parliamentary majority ever without really achieving a whole lot when they could have done absolutely anything!

*further rage*

*removes serious hat*

So, monkey cocks. Bigger or smaller than Kaol's?
( Bazongaloid, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 15:48, closed)

..
I'm gonna go with bigger.

p.s What's the prize?
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 15:49, closed)

Bigger
:(
( Cawl, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 15:49, closed)

Mandrill
Or macaque?

EDITED for stupidity.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 15:50, closed)

Those ^^
Are apes not monkeys...
Idiot.
( Cawl, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 15:52, closed)

@Kaol
Spidermonkey?
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 15:52, closed)

DAMMIT.
I can't believe i mixed them up.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 15:53, closed)

I'm sorry to change the subject but these things just pop into my head.
Wouldn't throwing a sausage into a bucket make a great game for country fairs etc : ) You could have different points for different size sausages.

50 points for a chipolata
10 points for a bratwurst
( girlinthehole, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 15:53, closed)

^
Macaque
(Errorist, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 15:53, closed)

You're now
Banned from all monkey-related fun.
You also have to remove all references to them from your account.

@BGB - how many points for a cumberland?
Or a black pudding ring?
( Cawl, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 15:54, closed)

100 for
a cocktail sausage
( Bazongaloid, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 15:55, closed)

Trouble is
If the Tories do get in at the next general election (which I agree is a disturbing possiblity) pretty much the same thing will happen as when Noo Labour* got in - a brief period of feel-good factor, then a bunch of suits cocking about upsetting the general populace with their ill thought out policies, and not really being arsed about it.


*or should that be Noo Labia since they're a bunch of cunts, and thus brought nicely back on topic?
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 23 Apr 2008, 15:55, closed)

^
Chicken Faced Huge-Dong Vampire Monkey.


Photoflop that ya bastards
(osok Rebel without a clue, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 15:57, closed)

You can't
escAPE monkey related fun.
(Errorist, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 15:57, closed)

Thatcher's children
yes, I was one of those referred to as such. Tory government again? Saints preserve us!

EDIT: how many points for a whole big cartoon-style saugage link???
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Wed 23 Apr 2008, 15:58, closed)

DG
I think the best we can hope for is slightly less bad.

Restrict the buggers to two terms max, or bring on the revolution.
(osok Rebel without a clue, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 15:58, closed)

Hmm
Noo Labia vs the Cuntservatives.

Not a lot to choose from is there?

Maybe the Liberal Democlits could just shave it?


collapses in self induced childish mirth




( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 23 Apr 2008, 16:00, closed)

al
highlighted COCK in COCKtail.
I would have done sausage too!

heeheeheeheeheeheehee
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 16:01, closed)

It's Wednesday, it's 4:00pm
for those of you about to wank, I salute you ...

(and envy you. Bloody schools, can't they keep the kids til 5?)
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Wed 23 Apr 2008, 16:01, closed)

Don't Worry
We are little people. We don't need to worry our little heads with politics, we just exist to tick whichever box relating to the gurning chimp that has promised us the rosiest utopia.

Blair for EU President!
Broon as UK El-Presidente for Life!
Prescott returns as Lord Bulimia of Hull!
Ruth Kelly for Pope!
(osok Rebel without a clue, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 16:08, closed)

*serious hat becomes jammed on head as it expands with rage*
RUTH B*&%ARD FU*%ING KELLY.

RUTH M*(ER F&$%ING B£"%ARD CU&*£NG KELLY!!!!

*removes serious hat to prevent aortic dissection*
( Bazongaloid, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 16:12, closed)

Al
Are you trying to imply that you're not an admirer of the suspiciously deep voiced member of Opus Dei?
(osok Rebel without a clue, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 16:14, closed)

Well
you've well and truly spoilt my wanking plans now.
( Bazongaloid, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 16:15, closed)

Ruth cocking Kelly
Every time I shut my eyes I see her tranny-like face...

Puts me right off playing a bebop solo on the pink tumpet I can tell you...

*Prescott & Widdecombe writhing around on a bed of lard*
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Wed 23 Apr 2008, 16:18, closed)

Al & PJM
Ruth Kelly.

Naked.

Holding a 16" strap-on.

Growling "bite down on that pillow Al, I'm coming in dry and hard in the name of the Lord".
(osok Rebel without a clue, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 16:19, closed)

Back on topic
Makes no difference whatsoever if you have them forcibly ejected via the sunroof.

You can't stand up for a fortnight but you can sit down and retain the tightness of a nun on speed.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 16:23, closed)

PJM
Prescott & Widdecombe writhing, Prescott eats lard and then chunders a gallon of lardy vomit over the open-mouthed Widdecombe.
(osok Rebel without a clue, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 16:26, closed)

^^ What she said....
Apparently
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Wed 23 Apr 2008, 16:26, closed)

Widdecombe & Prescott
Hmmm....

Oddly enough that would make them both more electable in my eyes.

As for Kelly & the strappadictomy, you know that the recently converted St Anthony of Westminster would love it after seven years of getting the same treatment from Dubya.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Wed 23 Apr 2008, 16:28, closed)

alright, we get it
*jeez* get a room
( Bazongaloid, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 16:28, closed)

PJM
Seeing what may *allegedly* have gone on behind the scenes vis Mandy, Broon et al, I'd say Saint Tone's ricker has seen more traffic than the Dartford Tunnel.
(osok Rebel without a clue, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 16:32, closed)

Sheesh. The conversation wanders like a cow following the grass under its mouth.
To answer the original question: it depends on several factors.

If a woman has had a hysterectomy and her cervix has been removed, there's a LOT of space in there.

If a woman has done her kegels on a regular basis, she's nicely snug. If she hasn't, it's like having an affair with a Hefty Cinch-Sack that hasn't been cinched.

I've been with women who have had kids and women who haven't, and have found that although the non-mothers may be tighter on initial penetration, after a few strokes they relax a bit, while mothers who've done their exercises are just about the same after a few strokes as the non-mothers.

There is no hard and fast rule in all of this- it depends on the woman involved.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Wed 23 Apr 2008, 16:53, closed)

And just for you, PJM...

( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Wed 23 Apr 2008, 16:56, closed)

Related to the original question
are heavier women less tight than slender women?
I have read that on this site somewhere before.
(electrogirl no one thinks about the implications of a clown su, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 23:51, closed)

Nope, definitely not the case
The biggest girl I was ever with could clench almost uncomfortably tightly.

Like a fanny-wank, if you like.
(Generator cannot be named for legal reasons, Thu 24 Apr 2008, 0:53, closed)

I think it's a myth
that bigger women aren't as tight as slimmer women. Having been with a woman who was on the large side and slimmer ones, I didn't notice any difference.

PS: The big woman was one of the best shags I'd ever had.
( Stu71 ....bad money dies, I love the scene, Thu 24 Apr 2008, 8:44, closed)

I'm surprised
nay, disappointed that no one has mentioned the phrase

"like opening a window and fucking the night"

once again, I've forgotten which b3tard coined it first....
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 24 Apr 2008, 8:54, closed)