Could be worse....
...i was late this morning. And while i maintain that i'm not too bothered about my ranging levels of punctuallity i'm still a little ashamed today.


I was asleep in my car. Outside the office.

Yes, i was late for everyone to see. Still, none of the buggers knocked on my window to wake me. Twunts.
( The Pollitt chooses to listen to Enya on, Thu 5 Jul 2007, 11:18, Reply)

Personally i find the whole story...
....a little far fetched. I think she simply employs 'people of diminished udders' and 'mongs' so as to make her day more amusing.
( The Pollitt chooses to listen to Enya on, Thu 5 Jul 2007, 11:16, Reply)

I've actually been late every day tis week
Monday; bus didn't turn up.
Tuesday; overslept.
Wednesday; was on a massive bender on Tues night and din't get in til 5. Overslept.
Today I managed to get in with a minute to spare.

It's because I'm always a bit smashed.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Thu 5 Jul 2007, 11:15, Reply)

Just goes there
to remind herselfof how the other half live; rather like a sociologist, she watches the scum and reports on it in a witty manner.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Thu 5 Jul 2007, 11:13, Reply)

If...
...we keep posting off-topic ramblings they might change the QOTW. Maybe. That, or i'll get a big fat mod edit making me look like a fool.

Hoorah!
( The Pollitt chooses to listen to Enya on, Thu 5 Jul 2007, 11:12, Reply)

i really must point out
that i don't LIVE here!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 5 Jul 2007, 11:12, Reply)

Relocating?
Nah, if rachelswipe moved away from Uxbridge, she wouldn't have all these bizarre experiences which make the QOTWs interesting!

Unless perhaps she moved somewhere exotic. Like Hull, or Swindon.

By the way, it's possible to be one tit short of an udder and still have three tits. Mind you they'd be swinging between your legs...

Sorry for off-topicicity, but it is Thursday after all.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 5 Jul 2007, 11:09, Reply)

She would relocate
but it's a bit late for that now.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Thu 5 Jul 2007, 11:09, Reply)

Rachelswipe
......it might be time to think about relocating.
( The Pollitt chooses to listen to Enya on, Thu 5 Jul 2007, 11:05, Reply)

well.........
i'm not sure which one of them, if any, was running late. but i was late myself this morning because i saw the weirdest thing ever on uxbridge high street that confirms all my feelings about this inbred shithole. and i had to stay and watch.

a woman who looked as if she was at least one tit short of an udder was pushing a more severely disabled friend along the street. coming along behind them was what can only accurately be described as a mong, wheeling herself along. but as she wasn't doing a very good or athletic job of it, she was making very slow progress.

as i was getting cash out of a machine, the mong drew level with me and suddenly spotted the other two. she started gibbering and snarling and giving them the finger. which of course they couldn't see, her being behind them and all.

the next thing, she's leapt out of the wheelchair and started running down the street after them like a loon on loon tablets, pushing the wheelchair in front of her and mowing down babies, sky rats, old people, whoever gets in her way. god alone knows what was going through her crazy little mind.

anyway, when she caught up with them, she picked the wheelchair up, shook it at them and grunted, before sitting back down in it and happily wheeling herself away in the opposite direction. i was mesmerised.

still told my boss it was a delay on the piccadilly line, though. there are some things you can't tell politically correctly...

apologies for said severe lack of political correctness as well as general irrelevancy.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 5 Jul 2007, 11:00, Reply)

Bloody hell
I must be psychic today!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 5 Jul 2007, 10:57, Reply)

I've been late because...
...i was having lousy sex in the back of an ice cream van with my neighbour from hell's pet dog (a jack russel by the way) we also had the chimes on full song too which made it all the more exciting. It had, sadly, ran out of ice-cream....not that it matters too much as the sex was blinding by then. Sadly someone overheard everything and came to have a closer look. It was, for lack of a better phrase, the most horrific thing they had ever seen. It was at the point that the onlooker thought it might be a good idea for us to talk it through.

Thats why i was late.

Length, girth? 99 with a big fuck off flake!

NOTE: Did i just suggest i had intercourse with a dog?
( The Pollitt chooses to listen to Enya on, Thu 5 Jul 2007, 10:55, Reply)

Late?
I'm surprised no-one has posted a message about how they were late because they were having lousy sex with their neighbour-from-hell's pet dog in the back of an ice cream van with its chimes going because it had run out of ice cream, and that they got no thanks for it as somebody overheard them, looked in the window and saw the most horrific thing ever. Then told them "We have to talk", and that's when it was all over.

With of course the statutory length gag at the end.

Haven't seen such a post yet.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 5 Jul 2007, 10:46, Reply)

Will they be late
in changing the QOTW?
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Thu 5 Jul 2007, 10:23, Reply)

Why aren't you answering your door?
Is the call I got form the other half on Sunday morning about 11.

Cue me (being VERY mellow and 'happy') slurring back, 'cos I'm still in the Tudor* - we've had an all-nighter...

Bless her though, she came and picked me up, dropped me off at home (no good stuff though), then picked me up for dinner later...

Length? all night...

*spent the night drinking Czech firewater and Carlsberg while under the influence of misc substances
( snee held his breath since, Thu 5 Jul 2007, 9:27, Reply)

I'm late...right now....
....vast array of excuses? Nope.



I. Simply. Can't. Be. Arsed.

I suspect a full day spent on eBay and b3ta coming up....yay.
( The Pollitt chooses to listen to Enya on, Thu 5 Jul 2007, 9:16, Reply)

Late? If Only ...
Alas, I always 'arrive too soon'.

Spluftastic.
(Mozchops ... just not in the face, Thu 5 Jul 2007, 8:44, Reply)

Sort of along the right lines..
at school I was a cheeky monkey, and often talked back when I should have shut up, but one time I like to think I struck gold with a response (well, I was 15, it seemed pretty cool).

I rocked up at 9.15 (registration was 8.45) with a mate, to be greeted at the school gates by the deputy head.
"you're late" said he
"yes" said I
"if this was a job, you'd be sacked" said he

said I "if this were a job, I'd be paid. Pay me to come to school and I'll get here on time"

I never managed to render a teacher speechless again.
( DeSpong currently knitting your suggestions - see profile, Thu 5 Jul 2007, 4:58, Reply)

yeth...
Evil dogs hypnotized the night shift
(ToriMonster, Thu 5 Jul 2007, 3:57, Reply)

I just can't (be bothered to) lie
I really loathe my job right now and glad to be leaving in a few weeks time...I used to be in at least 45 minutes early, but now I struggle, more so since meeting slimtallgoth :D

One of the supervisors I work with likes to think she's my boss (yeah, cheers) and occasionally forgets herself and tries to tell me what to do...I am only so rude because I hate the place and have been very done over by them (promise not to turn this into a rant)

The only time she ever tried to haul me up for being my bad time keeping, she looked pointedly at the clock, and said 'you're late!'

'I know' I agreed, as I started up my pc.

I mean, what's the point in me making up an excuse? Tempted to tell her the truth - was up all night with slimtallgoth watching Swedish Chef (muppet show) on youtube/playing naughty game with butterscotch and strawberries/having too much cider and talking (shite) till the sun came up/being bad tempered and sulky cos had to go to work the next day and finding any excuse not to go to bed yet.....this all to the Barbie wannabe who gets home (to parents house) watches her recording of Jeremy Kyle in her pyjamas, then the soaps, then goes to bed at 9...

O I did try not to rant! Apologies!

Yes I do have the mental age of 14...

Yes she really does record Jeremy Kyle during the day to watch when she gets home...

No I am not a typical accountant...
( curvylittlegoth heard the voices in your head on, Wed 4 Jul 2007, 23:28, Reply)

School
There was a lad at school during our GCSE year who never actually turned up on time.
Obviously he had a huge amount of excuses, but one memorable one stuck in my mind, as the lad stumbles in 45 mins late out of a possible 60:

"Sorry I'm late. I was trying to cross the road but the cars wouldn't let me out."
( Noo_Noo Is now 'BeerElf Jnr', I guess :), Wed 4 Jul 2007, 23:16, Reply)

why i'm late?
Because Stagecoach is utter shite.
(LiL_Arsewipe licked your face on, Wed 4 Jul 2007, 22:58, Reply)

Tied up. Or not.
A school friend's Dad died suddenly and despite not having kept in touch since my A-Levels I thought I'd go along and show my support for him & his family. The funeral was only 10 minutes away from where I live and didn't start until 10:30 so I took the morning off. I woke up at about 7 when my wife got up and once I was up and almost ready I had some breakfast and messed about on the Xbox for a couple of hours.

10AM, plenty of time I go to put my shoes and and tie and... I've forgotten how to tie a tie.
I wore one from the age of 5 to 18 at school. I still wore one on big occasions in work but I stood like a moron in front of the mirror completely unable to remember how to do it.

In the end, I had to look it up on the Internet. When I did eventually leave, I then got stuck in roadworks for a junction that had only been finished the year before but they'd decided to dig up again. I got to the crematorium for the last 4 minutes of the service.

As I'm writing, my wife has insisted that I mention that I wasn't ready for our first proper date when she turned up at our house. I answered the door in my dressing gown. I'd been on the PS2 playing GTA all day and lost track of time.
(hagis_uk, Wed 4 Jul 2007, 22:09, Reply)

I was sleeping in the woods at the time.
I was working out of a "labor pool," kind of a day labor thing where people request workers for just one day or something.  I found myself a nice warm place to lay down and set my wind up clock to wake me at the right time.  Suddenly a troop of Racoons, of which I can't think of any British equivalent, come down to investigate.  Not that they're all that friendly, but these must have been fed and taken care of by somebody.  Hearing the ticking, one picked it up and carried it about 10 feet before dropping it on something hard and breaking it.

That's right!  I was late cause a damn Coon dropped my clock!

Thanks!  I rilly like yer accent too, Dude!
( CapnChkn I would rather be flying elephants., Wed 4 Jul 2007, 18:50, Reply)

Being honest....
wrote on my late form that I 'Had got drunk the night before and overslept' my manager said-'You can't put that, make up an excuse'....


What.....Lie?

Tut....
(archstanton The gold is next to me....leave me be, Wed 4 Jul 2007, 18:23, Reply)

I'm late for work pretty much every day....
...because i live in Bristol.


























But my office is in Kent. Clearly i failed to put any thought into the logistics of my career choice. Wanker.

Length? Girth? All of the M4, 3 lanes wide! Oooh yeah!
( The Pollitt chooses to listen to Enya on, Wed 4 Jul 2007, 17:16, Reply)

franskpencer
I almost believed that.

until I saw who posted it :)

I was late for work today.
No funny story behind it though.
(UnstableDan Bah, Humbug! ooooh, humbugs, nyom!, Wed 4 Jul 2007, 16:53, Reply)

Absolutely true
I was working on the Greek island of Cephallonia at the same time they were making that pisspoor Captain Corelli's Mandolin film. John Hurt, Penelope Cruz and Nic Cage were staying in my small villlage, which had only a handful of restarants and one bar. I saw them most mornings as I got my breakfast from the bakers.

Once a week, I had to drive to the main town of Argostoli to meet the boss and tidy up any paperwork. It was an hour drive and I always set off early in case I was held up by sheep on the road. I always made it on time - except on the occasion that I ran Nicolas Cage over.

I saw his mercedes with the blacked-out windows a few hundred metres away. It was parked at the side of the road. Naturally, I slowed down to see if I could catch a glimpse of him snorting coke or humping Cruz in the back, but at that moment he stepped out from some olive trees into the middle of the road.

He'd been taking a piss and hadn't heard my car rolling in neutral. I couldn't brake in time and he went over the bonnet, hitting his head on the windscreen. At first, I though he was dead. He just lay there in the road, unconscious. I was shitting myself, thinking "Christ, I've killed Captain Corelli!"

I dragged him to the side of the road and tried slapping his face a few times. Finally, he started to come round. He gazed at me with those piercing eyes and asked me what had happened. I told him that some bloody Greek driver had winged him and that I'd stopped to help.

He gave me his vintage Vacheron Constantin watch in gratitude. It's worth about £18,000. Still got it.

Oh, and I was 20 minutes late for my meeting.
(frankspencer, Wed 4 Jul 2007, 16:42, Reply)

Schools believe the weirdest things..
Well after me and a few mates decided to see how many of us 13 years olds we could squeeze into a phonebox (9 of us..who then promptly all fell on me hence a 2 weeks stay in hospital in traction)
I could use the "I've been at the physio therapist" excuse whenever the teachers asked me where I'd been.(playing pac man in the local cafe with the other waggers)..which quickly backfired when one teacher tired of the excuse and asked me what I had therapy on...for which I stumblingly replied "My bum muscle" They never believed me after that?!?

Length? Gusset splittingly large, ok average then..sigh...tiny...oh god i'm so alone.
(THJahar smell my fingers, Wed 4 Jul 2007, 16:15, Reply)

Gimp Mask
spent 2 years in a job constantly being late because I found it very easy to sleep right through an alarm... also had very bad memory and concentration levels.

anyway after serveral unofficial warnings, a couple of official ones my employment was haging by a thread so to speak, and along with much nagging from the missus about VERY loud snoring, i paid a visit to my docs, and was referred to specialist who gave me some cool equipment to do some home testing while I sleep...

reading the data from the machines next day the specialist immediatly diagnosed "obstructive sleep apneoa" where I stop breathing upto 400-500 times a night buggering up sleep patterns and brain function.. (read memory and concentration) and he booked an in 2 days appointment to be fitted with a pressure mask and air pump machine to use as I sleep. The masks are awful things, looks like full fire department 'BA' gear with forehead rests, multi link straps big hose coming from it (google image search for 'CPAP MASK'

for this appointment I took the whole day off, i hadn't told my boss my condition at this point however i had once again been late the day before and the boss was in a bad mood, so just after arriving home from my mask fitting i get a call from him demading I be in his office in 30 minutes for a disaplinary meeting (quite possibly the last me thinks) ... i told him i'd be an hour cuz i was an hour away (lies) and used the spare time I had to make a few cardboard cut out attachments for the mask... dig out the camoflage cream and combat jacket from old war games/paintball events..

i thundered into his office in all this get up and the look on his face was priceless... i think he was a little scared until he recognised me.. then i took the mask off and explained the situation showed him medical references and letters... the sacking was cancelled.. but he left the warnings in place becuase I "should have done something about it sooner" twunt... i left 3 weeks later...

length ? it comes with 3 metres of hose
(maxumus HEY!.... diddly dee, de de de de de de, Wed 4 Jul 2007, 15:54, Reply)