I'm not saying I'm neurotic, but...
I don't do late. Turning up any more than fifteen minutes before a scheduled meeting time and I'm starting to twitch. But, ah, the ex-Mr Rakky. A man to whom punctuality was something that happened to other people and for whom the concept of agreeing a time to meet up was merely an illusion. He's the only bloke I've ever met who could miss not one but two trains, whilst actually being on the platform that they were departing from. And who, at the start of our relationship (pre mobile phones) agreed to meet me for lunch and turned up 48 hours late. I just kept popping into the bar where we'd agreed to meet until he eventually arrived, totally oblivious to the fact that he was two days late for our date. His excuse? "I couldn't remember what day it was." Not what day he was going to meet me, no, actually what day it was.

And I'm sat here, almost in tears as I have a flight that leaves on Sunday, and I'm not totally packed yet.

I often wondered why it never worked out between us...
(Rakky (forgot her password) The muffin maverick, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 16:46, Reply)

As mentioned before, I hate to be late.
My sis on the other hand, is the complete opposite to me and has her own time zone. You have to add between an hour to two and a half hours on to whatever time she has told you she will be there, depending on the occasion you are meeting. Take today for example, I have two whole weeks off work -YAY!- but I hate to think I'm wasting time so I still get up at the time I would for work and go out and make the most of the day. I arrange with sis to pick me up straight after she has done the school run and we will go girly shopping til three when the schools come out. So Im up and ready by 8.30, tidy round, do a load of washing, put it in the tumble when it finishes, take it out and iron it when it finishes, have a mooch at b3ta, have a flick through a catalogue and find a bed for my step sprog, compare it on the internet to about a thousand others and finally decide on the first one, order it, etc, etc. What time does she show up? 11.30. Two and a half hours late. The shocking thing is, no-one cares any more, we all expect it, she never has an excuse, and if you ask where she has been or what took her so long, all you get is: 'You know what I'm like.' So not only is she late, but she makes you feel bad for questioning her because you should know by now! Theres an excuse (or not) for you.
( randomwomanwholikespink, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 16:18, Reply)

stuck in traffic
not me but at school they was this kid named Ricky. he was pretty cool and managed to save several megadrive Roms onto the school computer without the teachers knowing.

anyway he was off for two weeks unexplained and when he came back his excuse was

"I was stuck in traffic"

i'll never forget that as long as i live
(commodore modesty, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 15:46, Reply)

My best excuse
Many years ago, I completely forgot that I told my then girlfriend that I'd call her at a certain time on a certain day. With her being my first ever girlfriend, I was unaware of the anger and feminine fury that would erupt when I called her the next day. Rather than admit that I'd purely forgotten, my subconscious decided to tell an outright fib.

The previous night had been very stormy, with really high winds. I told my girlfriend that one of our trees had blown down in the wind and that my Dad and I had to lash it down with rope in order to prevent it damaging other property.

Whether it was the mental image of some muscular, plaid-shirted frontiersman striving in the face of extreme environmental hardship, or just the sheer brazenness of telling a story that was quite obviously fibbery of the highest order, I don't know. But my girlfriend believed every word.
(Fuiru Sting, where is thy death?, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 15:41, Reply)

Excuses Unnecessary
I turned up to work this morning on time after a week off to go to Glastonbury and then two days off sick to recover from the flu/ bad cold that blighted my holiday.

I walked into my boss's office to say hi and she said 'Wow, you look terrible. Go home and rest.'

There's just no arguing with some people. I am getting sick of daytime TV, though.
(clumsyeloquence is a girl, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 15:27, Reply)

Lessons in Honesty, Yorkshire, 1992
When I was a kid, I went to a middle (yes, they had those in the early 90s) school which was right up the top of the hill I lived on. Every morning a bus would traverse the streets picking up kids (never before have I made a bus sound like a pervert, but I digress) to take them up the hill to school.

One particular morning, I was playing a bit too much gameboy over breakfast (warm weetabix *shudder*) on a hot summer's morning and after a bit of an earbashing from my mum ('you'll miss the bloody bus!') went out and waited for the bus. And waited. Well, I'd missed it. Not daring to tell my mother that yes, I had missed the bloody bus, I set off to run up the hill. Even with my ten year old, spritely legs and a belly full of weet-sorry, wheat- I turned up fifteen minutes late to school. I had to think of a lie, the truth would have meant a punishment of maths puzzles.

'Sorry I'm late', I panted to the teacher, sweaty and red-faced, 'the bus was late', I got a lift with my dad' (my dad can't even drive..)

Now. This is the bus that ALL the kids got on. So in theory, if I was late, *they'd* be late. But here is the twist.

'It wasn't late, it didn't bloody come!' swore the (90s, Yorkshire, brash) teacher. I looked from her for the first time for my classmates. I was the only one there!

I sat there for half an hour, hot, sweaty, wearing woolen tights (in summer! why mum why!) parched, pissed off, doing extra maths puzzles (as I was the only one there) whilst all my classmates who had been waiting for the bus strolled in eating mr freeze icepops and looking smug. The devious truthful bastards.

Now when I'm late, I just tell the truth, because I swear, whenever I give excuses, God himself divinely intervenes and makes me look like a plank!
(Northern Lovely, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 15:24, Reply)

Another story on the ex!
I had been separated from my wife for over a year (not divorced yet, but separated) when it came time for my parents' 50th wedding anniversary. Mom decided that what she wanted for the occasion was to take everyone to Disneyworld for four days, and because she was feeling kindly, she invited my estranged along. (Yes, she asked me first, and I said I was okay with it, as the kids would want her there.)

So the night before I agreed to stay over at my former house and sleep on the couch, and use the kids' bathroom in the morning. As I was there and she really didn't want to be in my presence, the ex decided to go out to a bar with a friend.

The flight was leaving, as I recall, at about 7:30 in the mornng, which meant that we all had to get up extremely early. I made sure the kids were all packed the night before and got the suitcases in the car, so when I awoke all I had to do was shower and dress and get the kids moving. No problem- we all got up on time and I fed the kids, and we were all ready to get in the car by 6:15.

Except for the ex.

I had awakened her at the same time I got everyone else going, but it turned out that she had not packed yet. She also had not written out directions for the kid who was taking care of the animals, and was moving extra slowly due to a hangover. So after much chivvying I got her out the door at about 7:00.

The airport is more than half an hour away, if you drive as you should. I got us there at about 7:25.

When we went to check in, we were told that our flight had already left, but another would be going in about ten minutes. So I checked the luggage and sent everyone ahead to the gate while I got the tickets straightened around.

Just as the girl at the counter was finishing that up (and she was busting her ass to get it done fast, no complaints there), my son comes down to find me with a look of urgency in his eyes. "Dad, the plane's about to leave!"

"I know, I know! We've almost got the tickets!"

I got them from the girl and thanked her for her efforts, then took my son by the hand and ran through the airport to the gate. (This was early 2001, when you could still do that.) We ran through the metal detector without a hitch, to be confronted by the ex. Her face was red and her eyes bloodshot as she screamed at me, "Goddammit! We missed that one too!"

I spoke in a very low and terrible voice. "I will only say this once. The kids and I were ready to go 45 minutes before you were this morning. We would have made that first flight if you had gotten off your goddam ass and been ready last night instead of going out drinking. You want someone to blame? There's a bathroom right over there with a mirror in it." And I stalked off to the desk to find out about the next flight.

The guys at the counter had witnessed the entire exchange, and were very nice as they found seats on the next flight- two up front and three in the rear.

Does it end here? Hell no.

We arrived in Orlando, but our luggage was somewhere else at that moment. Dad greeted us at the airport, and I asked him to take the ex and the kids to the hotel while I got the luggage. So when I got the bags together I took the shuttle bus to Disney and got to the hotel, got the key to the room where the kids were staying and took the luggage there.

No one was there. Not a note, not a phone call on my mobile, nothing. No sign of anyone.

I had been up since 5:00, was tired, hungry, and out of patience. I left a note on the table to the effect that I was going to find myself some goddam food and go enjoy myself for a time, and if they wanted me they could call my phone and I might answer if I was calm enough by then. I then went to the nearest restaurant and got a sandwich and three beers, then went and rode the Tower of Terror twice before my phone rang.

So why had I not heard anything? Why wasn't there a note?

"We left word at the front desk where we were going. Didn't you get it?"

No I didn't, thank you very fucking much.

For my parents' sake, I was civil to one and all, even the ex, for the remainder of our trip. But I swear, I could have committed murder and gotten off if I told that story to any sane jury...

And yes, six years later I'm still highly annoyed.

Sorry for the length and lack of humorous punchline- it was a rant that I just needed to get off my chest.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 29 Jun 2007, 15:06, Reply)

Not technically late
because I was injured and signed off work.

I had an alcohol and bouncy castle related incident which resulted in my tearing the tendons which holds my pelvis to my spine. Cue 206 pills later (yes, I have counted them) and some physio, and I'm back at work three weeks later!

I bought my secretary a bottle of wine not so long ago because I was out on the piss one night and got a call on my mobile the next morning a little like this:

Secretary: Where are you?!
Me: In bed.
Secretary: It's half past ten.
Me: Whuh?
Secretary: (in accusatory tone) You're drunk again, aren't you?!
Me: Not any more...

Luckily she told my boss I was at the doctors. She's a gem, with hot tits too.
( M3rx likes the Asian ladies, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 15:03, Reply)

Late coming
A long time ago, I had a top boss, who pretty much let me and the guys get away with murder. One day after a heavy night out, where upon I pulled this cracking German blond who was dirty as hell (And I mean DIRTY!!!!). Of course took her home did the nasty with her and passed out. Woke up the next morning looked over thought oh yeh, she's cracking, day off work me thinks to carry on shagging this cracking bird, so I phoned in sick.

Me: Sorry Justin, I won't be in today, not feeling at all well, got a bug or something.

Justin: Bollocks you lying bastard, I heard about that blond you pulled last night, I bet she's giving you a blowjob right now.

Me: Well... Yeh she is. (And she was to, the dirty bitch)

Justin: Ok mate, have a good time, give her one from me and I'll see you tomorrow.

Now thats a top boss.

Apologies for length, but she couldn't finish me off quick enough
(Globalnote, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 15:02, Reply)

Today I strolled in at 11:28
My boss is in the Paris office, I am in the London one. Even if he calls, I have my desk phone diverted to my mobile.

Piece of piss.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 14:47, Reply)

Why I was late...
Foolishly this morning I decided to try out Idealism, believing there is no actual physical world, just the sensations we experience...this led me to believe that distance was just an illusion, so I didn't think I'd actually need ANY TIME AT ALL to get here...and that's why I left home at the start of my shift...sorry.

Also the snake ate my car-keys
( Extinct Jesus Dossier "...I think it counteracts Hitler's magic...", Fri 29 Jun 2007, 14:38, Reply)

Kinder eggs
Now, in a previous post I mentioned how I would always do my best to get to the school bus on time. The mate I got the bus with was saddly a little less bothered then me. In the short time before going to school, we had decided to go to the shop and buy kinder eggs, mostly so we could make the toys and throw them into the road (I'd say it was the folly of youth, but we were at least 15). I ate and made mine quickly, I forget what it was, but thats not the issue, my mate had gotten a tricky one, snoopy on skis. every 5th step he paused as he tried to force the head onto the torso, which was addmitedly, very hard. This constant hinderence made us late, we saw the bus drive merrily by when we were 30 seconds from the bus stop, I swore and he let out a squeal of joy, snoopys head finaly fit on.

In angry I snatched the toy and threw it at the bus stop, were its head came off and ended up in a garden. how we laughed.

Icing on the cake, stroling into physics 15 mins late and explaining that "snoopy's head woulden't fit his body" still tickles me today.

Length? A head shorter then before we got to the bus stop.
(Mong goose, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 14:31, Reply)

Coat hanger
"Sorry I'm late but I've managed to whack myself in the eye with a coat hanger and I can't actually see."

True story too :-D
(angelica666, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 14:24, Reply)

Not me but...
When I was at college one lad arrived about 10 minutes late for the first lesson of the day. His excuse?

"I had a police car behind me all the way"

This meant he couldn't do his usual and speed to arrive on time (or nearer to on time that it wouldn't matter)
( le brian, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 14:14, Reply)

tree poo
Whilst working as a liftie in Breckenridge Ski resort, one of the other Brits didn't show up for his afternoon shift. When he did finally get there and was asked why he was so late, he replied "I was snowboarding down to the lift when I fucked up and hit a tree so hard I pooed myself"

Worst thing was, he wasn't lieing.
( skivesagain is now no longer in Australia., Fri 29 Jun 2007, 13:33, Reply)

My best friend
is always (and I mean, every single fecking time) late when meeting up for a drink with me our other other mutual best mate. He's late meeting his family, meeting other friends, going to lectures/tutorials etc.

Except he's never late to work. He generally gets there 15 mins early, just to make sure he's awake and ready to start.

This pisses me off: he gets to work early, but doesn't respect anyone else, who isn't actually paying him to be there, enough to try to meet them on time. It's now common practise to arrange to meet everyone at 8pm, except for him, who we meet at 7.30. One day he will wise up to this, and we'll have to move it forward to 7.15.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 13:32, Reply)

Some days you just can't make it up...
Time and Time ago, when such things were possible*, I managed to get my hands on some particularly fine acid. As one does I called up a chum who would appreciate such things and we wandered around the Egyptian hall of the British Museum watching the stone statues of Sehkmet breathe and luxuriating in the wonderful texture of the walls.
After which we went back to my place and I spent some while counting all the freckles the dear girl posessed. We drop a few more tabs, wile the night away in various pursuits and eventually fall asleep.
Wake up the next morning only to realise that Im still seeing little stained glass people climbing the walls and that the girl I'm lying next to looks mouthwatering with the skin of a bejeweled lizard.

After a few tries I managed to get my huge brick of a phone to autodial the office and spoke to my boss.

"Sorry, not going to be in today. Still twisted from the drugs. May be in tomorrow."

Blank silence, "What ?"

"I've taken too many drugs and I can't even see straight never mind write decent code. I should be ok again by tomorrow"

"Oh, Ok..."

Headed in the next day and get gently asked if I was ok afer my overdose...


*Not like these modern days when it's either E's or nothing
( DukeEuphoria Comes highly reccomended, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 13:25, Reply)

Because i was pregnant!
LOL!
(Snailfighter Mk VIII MASTER of the bits underneath the ledges on fences, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 13:22, Reply)

An ex-colleague of mine
kept his watch set permanently 15 minutes fast, yet he was still always 15 minutes late for every meeting. He used to arrive all hot and flustered, which is hardly surprising as by his watch he was half an hour late.

He really needed to get up half an hour early one morning, just to put his life back on schedule.

Personally, I can't live like that. I prefer to go by the old agricultural tradition:

Early to bed, and up with the cock in the morning.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 13:18, Reply)

Maybe I do have a problem then
It's a bit off topic but I do like this story. I think this guy was/is a comedian but I can't remember his name. Anyway it's about the moment he realised that he probably did have a drinking problem. Went out with his mates for a few beers in Manchester and woke up on a beach in Brighton! He telephoned his wife to apologise for not being home last night. "Last night?" says the wife, "No one has seen you for three days!"
(Euan Oos-army Josh, dad's found your scooter!, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 13:18, Reply)

Lateness
I prefer to tell the truth. It's a fine line between judging it appropriately and makng a howler.

To my boss who thought I was the bees knees and envied my GF.

'Sorry I was late, XYZ got the horn and I'll be honest, we had a quickie that made me late.'

'Sorry I was late,I overslept' - I hadn't overslept, Iit was summer and I had a pre-work round of golf.
(The Lithe Panther, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 13:08, Reply)

Further to below
I used to work for a hotel chain associated with drunken american sluts (not mentioning any names here!), and towards the end, I just got bored of the late shifts, long hours, no appreciation, yada yada yada.

So i used the below excuse a couple of times, "the RAF called me in for duty" (as I was a student pilot in the RAF at the time), to plain "when I last looked at the rota, I wasn't meant to be on. Who changed the rota, and why wasn't I phoned?!".

I missed that many shifts that I got a letter from HR saying "You've not worked in weeks, let us know whether you want to still work here or not?" I phoned them up and said "of course I still want to work there, schedule me some more shifts these next 2 weeks", which I worked 1/6 of, and then handed in my notice!

Bunch of arseholes!

Agreed, length jokes are shit, but mines longer than below
( DavyBoyInGravyJoy Grey Goose Vodka on Ice, nothing finer, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 13:01, Reply)

Work in the food industry?
Have a twitchy HR department?
Want the day off?

"I ate something funny last night, and I'm pumping Diarrhea!"

Thanks to Health and Safety laws and Food Hygiene laws, they won't bother taking the risk of having you in!

Worked muliple times with the Hotel I used to work at!
( DavyBoyInGravyJoy Grey Goose Vodka on Ice, nothing finer, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 12:57, Reply)

Damn those pesky kerbs
A long-since departed intern in our department made it clear early on in his internship that he didn't really want to work here and was pretty much running the clock down until he could bugger off back to Uni. As a result, his punctuality was somewhat casual.

He trumped his stellar record for lateness on a particularly frosty morning in December, when he called to say he'd be late in.

The reason:

"The car park where I left my car is so icy I can't get up the ramp to drive out. I'm going to wait for the sun to melt it a bit first"

Brilliant. And he would've got away with it too, if it wasn't for a colleague's brother-in-law being this guy's next door neighbour who had easily driven his van out of the same car park hours earlier. Tit.

He left the company shortly afterwards.
(titusyouclown, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 12:56, Reply)

bandwagoning...
never be early or on time as there is never anyone there to appreciate your arrival.




Although 60 percent of the time I'm 100 percent on time.
(i anglepoise, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 12:49, Reply)

As a six year old
my brother was late back to class at school after lunch. The excuse? He missed his teddy bear so walked the mile back home only to find the door locked as mum was at work.

The school called mum and she drove home to find him on the doorstep patiently waiting for someone to come along and open the door.
( Kroney, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 12:45, Reply)

Sick leave pay policy
My GF used to work for a franchise of Shittylink couriers who had a very odd policy on pay for sick leave.

If you were sick they didn't pay you the first day, this was their way of weeding out the people blagging a single day off.

However if you were off for 2 or more days you must actually be sick so then the government pay scheme kicked in and you would get statutory sick pay.

SO, if the GF ever skived a day off she'd have to make it 2 days. On one occasion she went back to work and was asked by her boss why she had been off for 2 days....

She replied "Well, I really only wanted Monday off but had to take Tuesday off to make sure I got paid"... she put her notice in the following week and we moved to Devon.
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 12:41, Reply)

Hairy snow
Reading about snowdrifts reminds me of an amusing tale from my childhood which takes place at the time of the early nineties in around six inches of snow. My school was barely three hundred metres away so me an my brother walked it: that day we encountered our friend Hairy at the end of the road climbing in and around a skip filled with snow.

"Why aren't you coming to school?" we ask, to which he replies:
"We're snowed in."

Nice.
(ManekiNeko loves horses, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 12:36, Reply)

Seagull
My best excuse for being late to work was:

"Sorry I'm late - I was walking in this morning when a seagull shat on my head and I had to go home to wash my hair and change my shirt."

If a seagull has ever shat on you, you will know how copious, gooey and fishy it is.

Only ever used it once, though.

Dr S
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 12:36, Reply)