...
I called a guy up last week to cover a class for another teacher, who'd fallen down some stairs by accident ... this bloke told me he couldn't come to teach at 5:00, because he was shopping! (It was about 1:30 at this time ...). And he didn't want to insult the other teacher who'd taken him shopping ... twunt

Also, the guy who fell down the stairs? Found out he'd been playing frisbee, drunk, and jumped to take a catch - THEN fallen down the stairs ... so, it kinda WAS an accident, but ...

Another has called in a few times, because she was sick, and she doesn't know why ...
Well, WE all know - she's either been on a 2 or 3 day bender, or she's drunk so much on her first night off, she's STILL sick 2 days later ...

We watched a guy at my last job walk out at the end of the night with a case of beer he'd bought at lunchbreak ... he called in with "food poisoning" the next day.

Nice to see people taking their jobs as "Foreign English Experts" so seriously :)

My excuses are pretty lame.
Easy to use here is, "I have diarrhea (sp?) and I don't want to use the toilets at work."
We have Chinese toilets at work, but Western loos at home, so it makes sense ...)

I used to regularly wag off classes for uni (before I stopped bothering making excuses) by saying I had an optometrists appointment ... had about 30 in one semester.

Not amusing, but just adding my 2 cents ...
(Celerydemon, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 7:30, Reply)

Philosophy Mid-term
Back during my drugging days, a friend of mine and I decided to go get real high before our Philosophy mid-term. We ended up driving around town for a while before stopping in this quiet little neighborhood to blaze up.

Three bowls into it, this incredibly old lady walks outside of her house to water the lawn. My buddy slaps my arm and points, saying, "Dude, holy crap."

It turns out, this old lady has like, the most freakishly long arms I've ever seen in my life. They are almost literally dragging on the ground as she walks. Watching this lady water her lawn was one of the funniest things we'd ever seen (being high at the time), so we just sat there and laughed as she did her lawn chores.

When she finally went back inside, we realized that we'd totally missed the start of our test, so we ran to class as quickly as we could. Stumbling into the classroom, the rest of the class feverishly working on the mid-term, we had to approach the professor, bleary eyed, to pick up our tests. He shoots me this malevolent glare and hisses, "Why are you boys late," as he hands me the test paper.

Too high to lie, I simply responded, "Dude, we would've been on time, but there was this old lady with incredibly long arms. That's why we're late."

My friend and I both got A's on the test.
(Poor Leno, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 7:08, Reply)

Not late for work, but close.
I had another staff member who got so pissed on shift that he 'forgot' to close the bar. When I turned up the next day the entire takings for the night and the safe float were sitting on the bar with the front door wide open.

Where was he?

In the back lounge unconscious with his pants around his ankles, and to top it off - with his cock in hand.
( Silent5, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 5:49, Reply)

One of my staff members sets a record.
I run bars, and as such have a very diverse range of staff who all seem to have their own unique quirks and perversions. There is one standout clown though, who usually turned up half an hour late or so every shift. He took the cake when he turned up 3 days! late for work.

His excuse - "I had a couple of drinks and thought tomorrow was last week."

Winner.

One of his other personal bests - after turning up 4 hours late for shift - "I left the house wearing my missus' jeans and only realised when I was 5 minutes away."
( Silent5, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 5:46, Reply)

why was i late ?
i was busy at home "sleeping" with this hot girl... suddenly the phone rings... so i stride over stark bollock naked with a raging hard on.. pick it up.. it's my teacher

"FUCK" says i, in my mind...

i actually say "hello Mrs Green, how can i help you on this glorios day ?"

at this point my sweet fair maiden walks over at starts whispering into my other ear that she is going to fuck me so hard before she starts sucking me off with great vigor

as my teacher is talking about something or other that i haven't been in for the past couple of lessons i suddenly moan "i'm going to cum" and before i realize what i've done i've shot my load all over the wall , i hang up the phone in realization of what i just said.. i've just told my teacher that i'm going to cum... fuck knows what she thinks i was doing

she didn't call back..........

i asked my dear why she did it her answer ? "thought it was kinky" and she was right it was.

gave her good seeing to the rest of the day

length about 7 inches and soggy
(My name was taken by me Is Sleeping With Your Sister/ Daughter/ Mother On, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 3:27, Reply)

My excuse for calling in sick,
"I can't come in today, I've got some kind of weird stomach flu, I've been in and out of the bathroom all morning vomiting."

It's true, some people would also call it being hungover. Works everytime though.

I know it's a bit off topic, but I've never been late, ever.
(Human, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 3:00, Reply)

Mori... I mean, where I work
Are very strict about you being off.

I've been off sick four times since last September and have been told that if I'm sick again before next September I will be disciplined.

Nice. So as I'm lying there ill, I will be safe in the knowledge that my work hates me and I'm going to be punished.

As for excuses? I have always been easy prey to very sore headaches that result in me throwing up (recently discovered these are migraines) and they sometimes catch me off guard leaving me unfit to move, nevermind work.

When I get back no one believes me. So telling the truth doesn't seem to work.

I'll be keeping an eye out for some choice excuses here and trying them next time my head is exploding!
( vix0r was not Matthew on, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 2:29, Reply)

Bastard
There was this one weird kid Chris, who never spoke
and was never late in school.
One day to our and our teachers shock he was
actually late.
The teacher asked why he was late,
to which Chris replied: "my nan fell over."
We all looked at each other like "What!?"
And it fucking worked!
The teacher was so freaked out
she just said: "ok sit down."
The sneaky bastard!
(Fap Attack, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 2:21, Reply)

Frank Spencer
That post was a bit different was it? I was fully looking forward to ignoring your erotic fiction :(

Anyhoo...my last job was at McDonals'. When i think aboot it now, i do miss it....well, the money. I don't miss going into work.
I remember the once, i hadn't gone into work for aboot 2 weeks straight, for i was wrestling on the weekends and...no idea what i was doing during the week. So there i am, backstage at one show with a noisy lockeroom. I get a phone call, at around 9 pm mind you, from one of the managers (a tiny nightmare of a woman) asking where i was.

"Erm...i'm at home - ill"
"It sounds like you're at a party!"
"No no...ill...at home"

They totally believed it. I then proceeded to ring them up the following week and quit. Luckily, i got one of the nice managers who was fine with it.

All i had too do was take in my uniform, and they gave me all my holiday pay :D Even better, i frequently took weekends off for wrestling,so surely i had already squandered all that pay...


Length? 2 Weeks,read the whole post..
(Twisted Nerve Twisted his erm....nerve, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 1:38, Reply)

Late
I had a hard on and she would not let me waste it!

Raised an eyebrow or two with the office girls!
( fagilliD Fuck I'm good!, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 1:29, Reply)

Being perpetually late I have run the full gamut of excuses now
but nothing I've heard beats this one...

I was working at a small web company. There were only five of us, and the guy who sat next to me was a bit of an odd sort. Half Scottish, half Greek, one of his amusing quirks was that he could never shit in the office bogs, he always had to make the round trip home and back if Mr. Brown came calling. Anyway, he didn't show up for work for two days without any notice or a call, and we were starting to get a bit worried when he showed up again on the third day. When questioned as to where he had been, he said that on his way home he had picked up a spicy sausage from the corner shop for his tea, but on eating it, it had made him trip out and hallucinate for 36 hours straight while he sat on the floor of a darkened room, sweating and gibbering. Three days late due to a psychedelic sausage takes some beating.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 1:15, Reply)

First year at Uni
Wednesdays were hell: an incredibly difficult maths practical at 9am, with Tuesdays being a prime going out night. I never missed said practicas or was late, even after getting back to college at 4am after drinking 30+ units of alcohol. I'd roll up at 9, stinking of cigarettes, beer, vodka, urine (maybe mine), and with bits off hedge in my hair and get on with the work.

Tuesdays were similar with Mondays also being for drinking, except starting at 11. Always on time. Except for the couple of times I didn't go out on the Monday, went to bed early etc, when I was generally about 40 minutes late.

The moral? Get cunted, jump in hedges, get up ten minutes before you're meant to arrive, and everything will be okay.
(Merrep, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 0:32, Reply)

My Crazy Liar Friend
A friend of mine was late for work many times. Once, he got a call from his supervisor asking why he hadn't come into work. He explained he had "epilepsy".

His supervisor's daughter had epilepsy, so she asked what kind of epilepsy he had. He claimed it was "the kind that makes you late for work."

He was fired soon after.
(scrapsmckenzie, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 0:30, Reply)

I followed through....
didn't use it as an excuse though, I blamed traffic.
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 0:00, Reply)

Midweek Boozing = Bad
Thursday night.
"Fancy a few beers?" my mate said. "Yes" said I. Cut to 2am - We're still out on the town.

Friday morning.
Alarms have gone off and been reset. Mobile phone starts to ring around 10am. It's my boss. "Are you coming into work today?" My reply...

"Isn't it Saturday?"
( proteus, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 23:48, Reply)

Not entirely lying,
I'm not often late now that I'm on flexitime, but I did once 'phone in two hours after I was meant to start work.
"I'll be late in today. I'm having kidney problems".

The truth was I kidney be arsed getting out of bed.
(bedsitmartyr : Doctor of Bottles, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 23:35, Reply)

Sorry i'm late...
i hate being late, being a manager i'm supposed to set a good example, but it turns out that i have been late once in one of my previous jobs.

i was in bed and my mobile went off, i answered it half asleep, "WERE ARE YOU??? YOU ARE AN HOUR LATE!!!", it turned out that he didn't know that i had handed in my notice a MONTH before and that i no longer worked there, Twunt!

I hate being woken from my sleep, i'm like a bear, so i told him to "go f*ck himself!", felt good :D
(Squid83, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 23:22, Reply)

I got lost
The believed it.... not bad considering I'd worked there for 2 years when I used it!
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 23:02, Reply)

Obligatory.
They had weapons of mass destruction.



I just died a little inside.
(Alexxx It wasn't me, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 22:33, Reply)

The trick is convincing them...
...that you're carrying out something important. My personal best was when I worked in a brewery, and used to spend all day carrying ice around. If anyone stopped me I would remind them that the ice was melting and my hand was cold. Borrowed from Scott Adams (the guy who draws Dilbert) but, in that environment, stunningly effective! They used to roll over and let me run.

*Pop* goes teh cherry. Now officially a B3tard.

Woos. Yays. Woo Yay!
(BluntM8, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 22:07, Reply)

I never used to turn up on time...
when i was in secondary school, i was always late.(im in lower 6th now). until i started getting this ema. if you dont know what that is, i basically get paid to go to school, like 30 quid a week. i havnt been late since because i wont get paid. so when i am late i just
go home, play pro evo, and ring school pretending to be dad to get me off. always works, cs my parents are divorced and the school doent know !

(standard length joke inserted here)
(papa bouba slap your face, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 21:58, Reply)

I hardly turn up for work on time.
because i'm the boss so, I usually look into the mirror and say i'm sorry then as a punishment I have a nap on my desk. Until my team wake me up about 12ish to do some work.
( Super piat I am the owl, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 21:51, Reply)

the best one anyone ever told me
actually turned out to be true. I'd met this guy, we got on well, and he was supposed to pick me up a couple of evenings later. I waited, he never showed. Oh well, I'd only seen him once before, no big deal.

Couple of days later he phoned with the following excuse:
"After I got home the other day, I had an allergic reaction to something and all the skin fell off my hands. I had to go to hospital and I haven't been able to drive or to use my phone. In fact, to call you now, I had to ask my dad to go through my pockets to find your number, cos I can't put my hands in pockets, and I had to get him to dial your number for me. Do you still want to go out some time? I should be healed enough to drive again in a week or so."

I didn't believe him but decided to award marks for creativity and meet him anyway. Sure enough, the poor sod's hands were in tatters. I felt guilty for having disbelieved him.

A year or so later, same guy, we weren't dating but were still friends and he was going to come and visit while on leave (armed forces). Waiting for him to arrive, the phone rings, "my car is upside down on the M25". Coming from anyone other than him, I would have had my suspicions. As it was, I was simply glad he was okay.
( Batsgirl, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 21:47, Reply)

The only excuse I have ever seen work...
...was the truth.

Whilst a student at a college somewhere in England, oddly enough at the same place I now work, one class was renowned for not handing work in on time. Every student had a different excuse, ranging from the somewhat believable ("I forgot it") to the downright ridiculous ("It caught on fire as I was cooking tea").

The only fable which didn't meet the look of disdain from Teacher was "I didn't do it" by a chap called Simon. He goes down in history for being the only person I know to make that particular tutor smile for turning in late work.

I never said it was funny, or interesting.
(Captain Skippy pooed in a bag and left it on your doorstep, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 21:42, Reply)

late
many moons ago i used to work as a temp in a admin portacabin outside a very prominent engineering firm. back in those days i used to take a lot of drugs and play dark age of camelot until the small hours of the morning. one time in the middle of winter i had go so hammered and played so long that my body clock had broken. now my work was 2 hours on the train away from my house, so one day after getting the train home after work it was already dark and i was already fucked.. as soon as i got home i decided to go straight to bed as my boat was getting out a bit too far... when i awoke it was 6am and still dark so i figured i'd only been out for a few hours and figured it was still safe to sleep on.. 7 came.. still dark.. 8 came still dark... 9 came and it started to brighten up a bit and i'm thinking wwhy is it starting to get lighter so late at night.. musta been a further hour before it hit me.. SHIT.. FUCK... CUNT... off i speeds out the door, to the train station and off to work.. i landed into work at roughly lunchtime.. and of course the inevitable "why are you so late" questions from my boss.. my excuse.. "errr i slept in"
next day i got a phone call not to bother coming back.. fuckers
( Kingtoke was shit at life on, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 21:29, Reply)

I had almost forgotten this...
I once overslept for work because I had fallen asleep after sex. So when I showed up and my boss demanded to know where I had been at opening time, I replied, "Up to my balls in my girlfriend" and kept going.

It was a very long time before he asked me that question again.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 28 Jun 2007, 21:04, Reply)

Powercut
I think i used the 'powercut' excuse a few times at school and it seemed to work, so it was filed away under 'excuses likely to succeed' for future use.

So turning up for work two hours late one day, upon being pounced upon my the total gargoyle of a boss i panicked and pulled the first thing i could find from my excuses file.

"Sorry, there was a powercut in my area and it reset my alarm"

*short pause* - boss reaches for the phone and dails an extension.

"Did we have reports of a powercut last night? hmmm... ok, i see, thanks"

Shit, i'd forgoten i worked for british gas... the people i pay my electricity bill to. busted.
( Shiodome has realised numbers in names aren't cool., Thu 28 Jun 2007, 20:47, Reply)

good old grandad
I used the excuse that my grandad died during the easter hols and that with the funeral and everything I didnt really have time/feel like doing the homework that was set.

I was first in the que to make excuses. The teacher came out and told the others to go away.

Well my grandad did die during the easter hols, so it was a truth, but i used it to get me and half the class off.

Thanks grandad. :)
(i AM that masked man Book him Tonto, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 20:34, Reply)

I'd love to share my best excuse...
But the dog ate it.
(Dr Frank, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 20:32, Reply)

A lad I knew
was always late for work and he was on the final warning about it. He went in to work hours late and his excuse was that a plantpot had fallen off his bedroom windowsill and knocked him unconscious while he slept. He was sacked.
(hazey, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 20:18, Reply)