Dropping the kids off at the pool
When work used to be right next door *shudders*, I used to leave it right to the last moment to get ready for work, and theoretically still get to my desk on time...

...Only this never happened. There was a pub just down the driveway from where I live and worked.. which got frequented every evening until kicking out time or off to town and and gawp at student types... yum!

...anyways, I'd sometimes decide to have a bit more of a lay in or just forget to set my alarm due to having the odd pint too many and use the excuse that I had chronic bowel movements, which because it was quite grim, never got frowned upon as the other option would be for me to use the office's toilets, which then stinks the whole office out...

Thus! I could get a little extra shut eye and couldn't get bollocked for it, especially when the bosses had paid for the beer I had the night before!!

Though happily I'm always on time these days.. the company has moved several miles away (so I now drive there so no heavy drinking the night before) and I rarely drink so karma has done it's thing and balanced everything out :)
(Mr_Squiffy mostly I'm farting in a bag to give to the needy, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 20:05, Reply)

At college
A guy turns up in the last five minutes of the day, about 4:30pm or there abouts,
says "i slept in" then takes his seat, as soon as he does the lecturor says "well thats all for today you can all go home",
i asked that guy about it, he really did sleep in late.
( SolidGoldChimp, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 20:04, Reply)

laxly
psht that's nothing, I was regularly late for a 2 o clock lecture I had because I used to over sleep.

My excuse in general now for if I'm ever late is the fact that when I was going out with one of my exes he was so regularly over an hour late (it was basically all the time) that I never used to go to meet him on time and I kinda got used to it.

edit: and as I lived on campus it was about a 5 minute walk at most to the lecture :)
(lei, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 19:51, Reply)

Late
Mate of mine has no shame....
Excuses include:
Reincarnation ritual overran
Choked on someone elses vomit (Spinal tap)
Vomited diarrhoea
Couldn't be arsed.
All for bone fide jobs, all left the next day.
(DustyD, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 19:50, Reply)

A few years back
I worked in a call centre, I was due to start at 12pm (yes midday!), I woke up at 12.30pm, phoned up work...

Manager - Why are you late?
Me - I overslept
Manager - It's 12.30 for fucks sake!
Me - I know!!!

Walked in an hour later, no moaning or anything, no one believed I'd did it
(Laxly, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 19:38, Reply)

Oh my
A qotw made for me! I am the king of bad excuses, well, I was until I deposed myself. This was thought to be an excuse, but it was in fact a true story.

I rolled in at a former place of work (PlusNet) with the following (true) reason. In the night, there had been a power cut. In fact, this had happened to me the day before making me two hours late, as it had knocked out my mains-powered alarm clock. So, to get round this, the next day, I took a battery-powered alarm upstairs with me. Smart idea, you would think. Apart from one problem- I am quite the restless sleeper. In the night, there was another power cut. And in my sleep, I had knocked off my other alarm clock under my bed. Two hours late again, and now you can see why it was my former place of work.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Thu 28 Jun 2007, 19:33, Reply)

Having attended a girls school...
Fantasise later, I have a story to tell.
Anyway, as I was saying, having attended a girls school, the excuse of period pain to get out of class had worn a bit thin. Female teachers wouldn't take a bar of it, and the few male teachers would do their best to pretend they didn't hear what just happened.

During a detention (an hour in silence, with 30 teenage girls? Hah!), a friend and I were chattering away in the corner while we thought the teacher wasn't looking. Of course, he'd noticed and boomed at me, "And what do you think you're doing, Miss is0lati0n? Do you want to be suspended?!"

"No sir, I was just asking if she had a tampon she could give me. You understand, don't you, sir?"

He nodded sheepishly and sat down.
is0lati0n: 1
Teacher: 0
(is0lati0n, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 19:13, Reply)

Train Trouble
Not me, but a couple of years ago a colleague arrived about 2 hours late for work. Being in the City you get used to the tubes being crap once in a while, so the bosses tend not to mind too much.

Apparently the train driver/guard had said "I have to apologize for the delay to your journey. I realise it is June and you wouldn't expect leaves on the line to be a problem, but in this case it's quite severe as the leaves are still attached to a tree".

Apparently no-one on the train could get pissed off about being late as they were all too busy laughing. Apparently eye contact was made between strangers in London on public transport - a first maybe?

Length? not sure, seems to work though. Be gentle, I'm new.
(Calamity wetter than a fish's wet bits - bloody rain on, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 18:52, Reply)

not as elaborate as some
but i find it has a timeless quality and guarantees you a day off, especially if you work for a male boss
one morning driving along the M5 to work, listening to kerrang, i decided to enter the competition to see supergrass live at the studio
amazingly not only did i get through, i won, Whoop
one drawback, the gig was the next afternoon, a Wednesday! bum thought i
as i hated my job and had run out of skiving excuses
until i remembered the timeless classic i hadn't yet used, a smear test! they cant deny you, and most blokes, as soon as you mention it, turn puce and dont ask questions! sweet
i went to the gig, it was only okay
although i must have had about 10 smear tests that year, thick cnuts
(kellogg going slowly insane, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 18:42, Reply)

"I was woken up at 2:30am by my next door neighbours participating in noisy sexual intercourse"
...and couldn't get back to sleep until 7am, whereupon I fell asleep until 10.30 - 90 minutes after I was supposed to be in work.

True story. Last week :)
( Mike Fishcake teamfishcake.co.uk - better than your mum's face, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 18:39, Reply)

Walked into school a half hour late.
My excuse, "Sorry sir, but I'm hungover"

"ok sit down"

length - couldn't tell in my "inebriated" state the night before.
(Maccy Divided by 0 on, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 18:34, Reply)

The truth.
I was late this morning, and used the excuse of "my shower broke."

In reality, I got lost in deep thought while sitting on the toilet. I was thinking about UFOs.
( Digeridude Lord Wellington's Beef Trapeze, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 18:14, Reply)

Animal magic.
Not mine, but given by a pal who's life was cut short last year by a twat of a 17 year old who was driving without having taking his test.

Mate walks into class late, and declares there was a horse loose on the road. He elaborated the story, and the teacher accepted the excuse.

Rest in peace AJ. *sheds tear for dead friend and sharpens axe for twatty outh*
(ToysForBigBoys would spread her legs for Nick Clegg., Thu 28 Jun 2007, 18:07, Reply)

A-Levels
i was a skiving little shit who still liked/managed to get a's. my friend vi worked her arse off and also liked to get a's.

just before our history a-level mock, i had done no work whatsoever. vi had just met her first serious true love (first of many as it turned out!) and had also, most uncharacteristically, done no work.

i drove a 1970s beetle which was beautiful but also very unreliable. so on the morning of our history mock, i spent ages persuading vi that we needed more time before this exam. eventually she cracked and we rang the school, said we were stuck at the side of the road, and went to the pub. three more days to revise. bargain.

both of us blitzed the mock as a result and we forgot all about it.

until the morning of the real thing.

when we got in vi's brand new 3 day old micra...... and it wouldn't start. now there's karma for you! we got there by the literal skin of our teeth, sweaty, tearful, verging on the hysterical and swearing never to lie again...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 18:04, Reply)

Moped
When I was in the 6th form at school, I had a very leaky old Negrini moped, which was an excellent excuse for getting out of Saturday mornings at school.

Honestly, P.E, Maths, double free period. On a Saturday morning. I ask you.

So, skivers of the world, unite. On a moped.
( Amish Information Systems hates misplaced, commas, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 17:51, Reply)

Well, not some fabricated excuse, more the real deal...
Back in the mists of time (about '98ish), I walked into my art history 'A'level class, where my tutor set upon me in front of the whole class, about how I had missed the previous week's lesson.

She went on for about 10 or so minutes about commitment, how there is no excuse, that I should make up the time as the rest of the class had bothered to turn up etc. etc. (bear in mind that I wasn't a skiver, and had a pretty much flawless attendance record until that point).

So she finished her rant, and looking extremely proud at herself, said in a clear and loud, commanding voice:

"So what IS your excuse?"

I simply tilted my head very slightly, looked her in the eye, and maintaining my calm composure, replied in just as clear a tone as she did:

"I was attending my Grandfather's funeral."

Normally people turn red when embarrassed. So far, myself, scientists and artists alike have not been able to describe in words exactly what colour she turned, but believe me, whatever amazing shade of red it was, that was the happiest I had been for those last few weeks!

Length? Perhaps too long, a funny shade of red, and quite embarrassing.
( theoriginalsteve <this space intentionally left blank>, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 17:23, Reply)

Oops I did it again.
Back when I was a little is0lati0n, sitting quietly in a classroom filled with other 6 year old monsters, the door opened.
Standing timidly in the doorway was a classmate, late and obviously scared of incurring the wrath of our (alcoholic, as it turned out) teacher.

He wandered quietly to his chair and sat down, when Mr Teacher Sir yelled at the kid as to why he was late.
In tears, he cried back that he had diarrhoea.

...And then there was complete silence as the boy let out a particularly wet fart.
Wet enough that he drenched his pants, chair and the floor.

At least the teacher had proof that it was a genuine excuse. Pity he scared the poor kid into shitting himself.
(is0lati0n, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 17:08, Reply)

I wanted the day off so....an excuse was needed
I made the enevitable phonecall...

Me: hello boss .. I'm Sick

Boss: You don't sound sick?

Me: (*thinking fast*) well.... I'm F*****g my sister....that sick enough for ya!

needless to say i got the day off ...and the rest of my contract!
(harmetheous, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 17:01, Reply)

Bloody fucking cold, that's why!
I went to forestry school in the mid 80s at a tiny college in the northern Adirondack Mountains, and was living in Saranac Lake NY at the time. (Google for it to see where I'm talking about.) One of the things I had to get used to there was the extreme cold- on a normal night during the winter it would get to be about -20 to -30 F, and it was not uncommon for it to hit -40 F.

At the time I drove a 1977 Toyota Corolla, colored about like Guilden's Spicy Brown Mustard- kinda babyshit yellow, and incredibly ugly, but it ran. Kinda. (Actually, it was a maze of rigged improvisations by the time I got rid of it, to the point where I suspect that the engineers who designed it would have shot me in cold blood. But that's another story.)

So one morning I had an 8:00 class and had to drive to campus. I get to the car at 7:30, well before the sun had a chance to touch it, and managed to get it started- but then I saw that it was just about out of gas, and wouldn't make it on what I had. So I cursed and went to the gas station, where I went to open the gas cap- and found that it was frozen shut.

This being the mid-80s, we had had the so-called Energy Crisis only a few years before, so the previous owner had put a locking gas cap on it to prevent siphoning. And now, when it was -40 F, the damn lock was solid. And, of course, it had to be on a morning when I had class with a teacher who would take points off if you showed up even one minute late to her class.

I went into the gas station and got them to give me a pitcher of hot water, which I then poured over the gas cap until I could insert the key and turn it. Once the tank was open I filled it- but now that hot water had turned to ice which made it impossible to put the cap back on the tank.

I walked into the class ten minutes late, incurring an incensed glare from the teacher. Wordlessly I walked to the front of the classroom and put the gas cap on her desk, key still frozen in place, and took my seat.

It took her a minute to figure it out, but then she at least had the decency to laugh.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 28 Jun 2007, 16:43, Reply)

i suck part deux

I hadn't completed a university assignment that had to be sent via email in time, so instead I opened a jpg in notepad and sent all the crap from that instead.

Next day my lecturer asked wtf I had sent and I just shrugged and said 'hmmm, must have corrupted, I'll send it again tonight.'

Which gave me time to finish it. ;)
( Regger, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 16:29, Reply)

One of my old university lecturers
used to come in late to virtually every lecture with some excuse about why he wasn't on time. Eventually he gave up making excuses and just got on with the lecture when/if he arrived. We used to allow him 15 minutes to turn up then, if he hadn't, we'd leave.

The real reason for his lateness, and we all knew this, was that he was an alcoholic, and used to come in pissed even first thing in the morning. Shame, really. He was a decent bloke and extremely bright.

He's now late in the other sense, having ended his life as a down and out.

Apologies for lack of humour. I was trying to think of ways to make this story funny, but couldn't.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 16:29, Reply)

i suck

I was an hour late meeting a very important client so I smashed my briefcase against a wall, ripped my shirt and scraped me face with a rock.

Then I arrived and told them I got hit by a cyclist.

I got a cup of coffee out of sympathy.
( Regger, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 16:20, Reply)

My excuse
I had to get my finger surgically removed from the F5 button.
( Zuowan, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 16:15, Reply)

Err, what?
I worked with a guy for more than two years who it would be fair to say wasn't the quickest of guys. His explanations of being late or missing work altogether seemed, in his mind, to make perfect sense. The rest of us were never so sure.


Example 1:

Him: "I'm late because my mum was hearing things."


Example 2:

Him: "I wont be in work today unless you come round my house?"

Boss: "What?"

Him: "I've locked myself in my toilet and I need someone to come and open it for me."

Boss: "But the lock's on the inside, isn't it?"

Him: "Yes but I can't remember where I left my key."


Example 3:

Him: "I don't think I can come to work today, I have no front door."


Example 4:

Me: "Why are you late?"

Him: "Yesterday the manager said I smell."


Other such excuses were "I was on the phone", "My mum wants me to go to Iceland", "this girl keeps sending me pictures", etc... etc... etc... 'Blithering idiot' doesn't do him justice.

Length? Suitable for pole vaulting.
( Imhotep is Invisible - Consider this a divorce, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 16:05, Reply)

I'm quite proud of this one.
When I was a telesales monkey I woke up one morning and just couldnt face going in. Not "eww work I cant be bothered", I mean properly couldn't face it, walking in the work direction made me dizzy, I physically couldn't do it (this was at a very dark time of my life, and I wasn't cut out for that kind of work, obviously). So I took a left turn, went to my brothers house and we proceeded to waste the day away. The next day I was called into the managers office for "a chat", apparently my targets were "dissapointing" and they felt I could do with some "motivation" to "increase my potential". When they asked me why I hadn't been at work the day before, I hit a bit of a block. I didn't care enough to make up a proper excuse. So I said the first thing that came to my mind.

"Umm....it's a bit personal actually. I'd rather not talk about it, but I had to go to the doctors..."

"Oh, ok then SugarSpunSister. Now, your current performance...."

I couldn't believe it. I didn't actually have to give an excuse at all. Bloody brilliant! So I did what any normal reckless 21 year old would do, I spent the next few weeks having time off whenever I damn well felt like it, and the next day I would always be greeted with a very sympathetic "Are you ok today?".

Of course the odd day turned into a week without a phone call and I got the sack. Never ever ever gone back into sales again and have absolutely no plans to. Turns out I'm quite reliable when I actually enjoy what I do. Hurrah!
( SugarSpunSister Yeah, whatever, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 15:53, Reply)

A Winter's Tale
"My front door has frozen shut, I'll be in later if I can thaw it out with the hair dryer".
( wangmaster2000, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 15:40, Reply)

My best mate wins the prize for best excuse I've heard
Back in Lower 6th (or Year 12 as some might know it) we were sat in our Philosophy class, which was the first class in the morning.

20 minutes into the lesson my mate Wilkie barges into the room holding a GAME bag which clearly contained something he'd just bought from said retailer.

Before our teacher Mr. Johnson could even blurt out the famous "Why are you late?" line, Wilkie shouts out "Sorry I'm late Sir, my bus was being a knob".

Even Mr. Johnson couldn't hold back the laughter at that beaut of an excuse.
(kinky jon, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 15:40, Reply)

bad blags
I always used Malignant Apathy if the boss was too stupid to work it out then i got away with it...

or failing that bogus religious holidays

Length ? short and sweet
( Trollman, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 15:39, Reply)

Shit yourself
I was just showing the guy who sits next to me some of the nasty posts (ie Franks knitting needle experience - nice).

He tells me he used to work with a compulsive liar... apparently the guy's excuse one day was that he'd got to work early (before anyone else), shit himself, cleaned up and then returned home to finish the clean up off... and that was why he was ringing them - cos he'd just finished cleaning the shit out from between his toes....

My question is if you're gonna lie - why use that scatological excuse???

Maybe I answered my own question.

My own experience: in my last job a guy phoned in late (late 75% of the time but was a local govmnt so no-one gets sacked EVER)

3 hours after he was due to start... and his excuse?

He forgot to come to work... it was a Tuesday.
(Grolus, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 15:32, Reply)