Dear Mary, wife of Joseph, Nazareth
Listen up sweetheart, are you sure you've thought this through properly?

Just because your hubby can't meet your needs and you've been balls deep in goat herders the last few months doesn't mean you can make up any old bollocks now that you're up the duff. What happened to simple honesty? why not just tell him the truth? One thing is certain, if you persist in telling people that ridiculous story about being impregnated by the "holy spirit", there will be consequences.

Love, Atomised
(Atomised teabagged your mum on, Sat 6 Mar 2010, 12:53, 4 replies)

Dear B3tans.
Thank you for keeping me entertained with your short stories, crazy tales and petty arguments. Thank you for your various approaches to lifes problems regardless of how simple or complex they may be.

Thank you for sharing your tales of woe, hardship and snippets of personal tribulations, touching stories of family and friends left behind, or moved to worlds beyond ours.

Your childish photoshops and animated GIFS never cease to amuse me, Your puns never fail in giving me the occasional chuckle, or a stifled groan.

Thank you for trolling other users, and entertaining me for hours by amusing me with your literal crossfire, sarcastic one-liners and argumentative snipes. The resulting cascade of flame keeps me rosy and warm in my Yorkshire shed of a house during the bleak and miserable winters that last until June.

Since I have been a regular member of this site, which has'nt been long - I have been educated, entertained, outraged, and saddened by such a vast and complex amount of information, it has made me see things differently in myself and others.

Oh, and for introducing me to terms such as clunge, fucksocks, cunt you in the fuck, and *click*

My Saturday mornings nursing last nights hangover have never been the same - Brilliant.
(danniekavanagh did nothing constructive on, Sat 6 Mar 2010, 12:41, 4 replies)

Dear people who wear your hats sideways.
Will Smith , who is infinitely cooler than you will ever be, tried this look back in the nineties and it made him look like a cock.

You do not look "street" You do not look "hip". You look like the kid who eats worms, has to keep a spare pair of trousers in the nurses office and has never yet learned how to dress himself.
Stop it.
love

Big D
(Big D, Sat 6 Mar 2010, 12:38, 1 reply)

Dear fuckwit
My car was not in the way, there was a whole lot of other road for you to drive in.

Thanks to you, I had to spend my Saturday morning getting it fixed and paying £50 for the privilege. That £50 could have got me a few CDs, a new lightmeter or anything that isn't a bloody wingmirror!

I hope something mildly inconvenient happens to you, like bumping your head really badly, then getting a papercut and tripping up your own laces in public. Then you go to that important meeting and you've got blood on your tie and you don't realise, so you make a bad impression, which loses you your job which turns you to drink, which makes you bump your head really badly on something.

I hate bumping my head on things

have I lost focus in this letter

maybe

yours
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Sat 6 Mar 2010, 11:53, 1 reply)

Dear Apple
I like the idea that you're promoting simplicity when the website design to apply for repairs is the most baffling thing I've ever encountered. I just want to mail my ipod to you, to get it fixed!
(Sivvus trolley collision in the fruit aisle led to a jam, Sat 6 Mar 2010, 9:35, Reply)

Dear Woman who just phoned and got me out of bed
As I said, I will pay the electric bill over the counter as always. No, I do not want to make a payment now - how can you accept cash over the phone?
When I said "I don't have a bank account, let alone a credit card, and I think paying utility bills by credit card is foolish." I meant it.
So, I'm not sure why you asked me to set up a direct debit to pay in the future - I DON'T HAVE A BANK ACCOUNT as I mentioned. I don't care if you 'offer a discount' by paying this way - the benefits of not having a bank account outweigh your puny discount every time.
If the bill was late, I could excuse you getting me out of bed on one of the two days I get off work per week, but alas, your employers greed and lust for money I cannot.
Therefore, as inkeeping with big firms and banks these days, I am charging you £35 for the error of interrupting my sleep, and when I pay the bill OVER THE COUNTER as I explained about 5 times, it will be exactly £35 short of the amount on the bill.

Yours,

Pissed-off-sleepy-man-you-just-got-out-of-bed-for-no-reason.
(dchurch bah, Sat 6 Mar 2010, 9:05, 49 replies)

Dear you (sorry for traces of Emo),
I love you. I always have. I love everything about you. I enjoy the time we spend together, I enjoy lavishing my attention on you, I enjoy the trips we take together, I enjoy everything.

So why must you make it so difficult for me? Every time I decide to try to do something nice for you, you kick me in the balls. Is it attention-seeking? Do I not give you enough? The amount of money I sink into you just to keep the status-quo is sickening and really puts me off buying you any genuine presents. This last little episode of yours is going to put me 700 pounds in hole just to make things right again. Granted, it could be partly my fault this time, but it keeps happening! You'll be needing new shoes next and they aren't cheap, either.

I swear to God, it has to stop soon or I'll be buying a new car and you'll be for the fucking scrapyard.
( Kroney, Sat 6 Mar 2010, 8:17, Reply)

Dear HOOVER
It's called a 'vacuum cleaner' not a hoover.
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Sat 6 Mar 2010, 8:15, 1 reply)

To My Mum
I miss you. 9 years since you've died and I miss you everyday.

I hope you like my wife to be, she's amazing and you'd love her too.

I hope you're proud of me.




(Sorry for lack of funnies but I'm working through stuff right now and this felt right.)
(Jack the sparrow dodger, Sat 6 Mar 2010, 8:05, 1 reply)

To any men who punch women
Shame on you - you utter cunts.

Here's hoping karma comes back and destroys you, you utter bastards... Why would anyone raise a fist to a beautiful woman is beyond me, unless of course your insecurities and your failures are brandishing some form of ego fuelled violence.

Fuck you ... Cowards.
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Sat 6 Mar 2010, 5:52, 21 replies)

Dear English-speakers,
出典フリー百科事典『ウィキペディア（）』移動ナビゲーション, 検索

ウィキペディアには現在この名前の項目はありません。

という項目を新規作成する。または執筆依頼する。

既存の項目からを検索する。

姉妹プロジェクトのウィクショナリーに項目が存在するかもしれません。
この項目へリンクしているウィキペディア内のページを探す。

もしこの項目を作成したことがあるのにこのメッセージがでる場合、データベースの更新が遅れているために表示できない可能性があります。項目を書き直す前にしばらく待ってから、キャッシュを破棄してみてください。

上部に削除記録が表示されている場合、この項目は既に削除されています（即時削除の方針に削除された理由が記載されているかもしれません）。

に全角英数字・半角カナ・ローマ数字・丸付数字が含まれている場合は、それらを半角英数字・全角カナ・半角英字による代替表記・半角数字に置き換えた名前で項目が存在するかもしれません。
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 6 Mar 2010, 5:49, 6 replies)

To the guy who thought it was funny to randomly lash out at a stranger in a pub
Yes mate... you might be twice the size of me, yes you might be surrounded by your mates... Yes you might have homo-erotic, psychological disorders...

But fuck me man, if you're going to punch me from behind - at least make it it hurt, because you fucking fail at life if you can't even knock me out.

Cunt.
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Sat 6 Mar 2010, 5:43, 3 replies)

Emma
I fucking love you.

Why do you take so much pleasure in hurting me?
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Sat 6 Mar 2010, 5:38, 3 replies)

My dear vegetarian friend
No one wants to fucking shove meat up your ass so stop jumping two miles whenever I bring a plate of beef near you. Stop reading the ingredients on each and every Oreo packet you faggot, they do NOT change the fucking ingredients so often.

You sir, are a cunt. It serves you right that someone fed you prawn crackers. You even said it tastes good. Admit it moron. You are a bloody fucking hypocritical herbivore who has OCD.

Cheers
(Archeleus hates cabbage, Sat 6 Mar 2010, 2:00, 2 replies)

One summer's afternoon,
I was browsing through my friend's grubby mags and spotted an advert for a doll. Not your average blow up things but a lifesized anatomically accuate model of a beautiful woman. It had adjustable speeds for the buzzers built in to the three available holes and the pubes were real pubes shaved off a top porn actress. It was advertised for £2000 which seems a bit steep for a plastic shag.

I did what anyone reading this would have done and whipped out my visa card and ordered one. I can't say I was all that pleased as this letter explains.

To: The Managing Director, The Lushous Latex Lovelace Doll Co, 70a Balls Pond Road, Egypt.

Dear Sirs, I am returning the doll I purchased last Wednesday. In the user manuel, it clearly shows in fig c. the cleaning plug situated on the carse shows the arrow in the up position. I set the arrow on the plug facing up as shown and after a somewhat disappointing ride I blew my beans which shot out of the plug and landed into my gusset.

I would also like to point out that the clunge is not made to accomodate persons of larger appendage like myself. It's not far off but another inch would result in a nuts deep session.
As for the blurter. How tight is that? I couldn't even get my bell in the poo chute.
The mouth is a joke. OK you can get right in but then that annoying vibrator kicks in and it reminds me of my sister who always gagged and made funny vibrating noises which tickled my chap.
Now as for the publes. If they were shaved off a porn star wouldn't they smell of Gillette Shaving Gel and not a cross between a wet dog and a crab stick? This is somewhat disturbing.

Finally I draw your attention to the stabillity of the device. I am only 18 stone yet the doll was unable to take my full weight during a session doggy style. As you can see on page 7 fig. 15 it clealy shows the doll bent over with the gentleman holding onto the waist. I tried this which resulted in me falling forward lunging deep within the muff striking my bell on a piece of loose wire or a shard of plastic from the power supply. This made me jump backwards striking the wardrobe with great force. The poor design of the vag did not permit it from detaching itself from my cock. Being made from rubber in then catapulted itself towards me striking virtually every inch of my body causing severe bruising before falling off of my now flacid knob and falling to the floor in a rubbery lump. My entire collection of 60 & Over then fell from the top of the wardrobe striking me on the head, chest and toilet areas. This was a very unfortunate event I would not wish to repeat.

I would either like a full refund or these problems put right and my friend Colin wants to know if you make them in black.

Yours
Captn Horatio Hood-Butter III (ret)

( Captn Hood-Butter is not dead yet., Sat 6 Mar 2010, 1:31, 1 reply)

Dear The World..
STOP MAKING SHIT SO HARD FOR ME IT'S NOT FAIR.

AND I BET THIS WON'T MAKE THE NEWSLETTER EITHER.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Sat 6 Mar 2010, 1:18, 2 replies)

Dear Internet loser...
I know you won't actually read this; you might see it, but your pathetic arrogance will ensure that you don't think it's about you.

But it is. It's about your annoying bullshit posts. It's about your twee alliteration and supposedly hilarious sexual descriptions that are favoured only by the unimaginative and the sycophantic. It's about the obvious lies that you tell, either because your real life is so crushingly boring that you have to make shit up to impress a load of people you've never met, or because you think that such lies will provide entertainment to your 'fans' (despite the story being essentially the same every fucking time), or because you think you have some kind of literary flair and that your posts are somehow more than just ill-conceived and poorly written pabulum written on an otherwise entertaining site.

They're not. They're fucking rubbish, and they're the main reason I am so apathetic about this site these days. If you want to write shit stories that make you out to be something you're clearly not, start a blog. Leave the QOTW for those who genuinely have something interesting to say.

Maybe you will actually read this letter. Who knows? After all, you're so vain that you probably think this post is about you.

With regards,

Captain Crackerjack
( CaptainCrackerjack live trout, slow motion, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 23:53, 37 replies)

Dear Tiger Woods
This is what you should have said:

To my wife, I'm sorry. I fucked up but I'm not changing so you'll either need to put up with this shit or I'll stroke you the check I agreed to in the pre-nup....sorry.

To my fans, get over it. Where I stick my dick is none of your business. I don't need any of you in order to make 10 times in one year what you'll make in a career. I promise to continue to hit 4 irons from 210 yards to within 10' of the hole and drop puts that you couldn't read in a million years. If that's not good enough for you, go watch tennis.

To the media. You cocksuckers are the only ones more two-faced than I am. Kissing my ass for all those years and then ripping me every chance you've had since Thanksgiving. Fuck y'all. I'm glad I don't have to take the time to sit and answer the same bullshit questions over and over again.

To the other golfers. Kiss my ass! You motherfuckers come out ripping me when I've put more fucking money in your pockets than you could count. You think anyone's been paying to see Jesper-fucking-Parnavik? Give me a fucking break. I'm almost tempted to give up golf just to punish you guys but I think it's going to be more fun to practice for the next few weeks and get back to making you all my bitches.

That's all I got today folks.....see ya at Augusta! ....Oh and Bambi, if you're listening I'll meet you at the Ritz in 45 minutes.

(from a chain email doing the rounds, but it's worth doing).
(McChinaman banned, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 23:42, 5 replies)

Dear parents and educators,
Don't tell children that math is hard or uncool, or something that they'll never have to use. I know that math is a subject that people love to hate, but teaching this attitude at a young age is just chickenshit. It imprints ideas that are hard to unlearn on your own. Let kids figure it out for themselves.

My mother brought me up well, the day I came home from school excited that I had learned addition she pulled out a muffin pan and showed me how to do multiplication. I was never taught the "math is bad" idea, and I didn't hear about it from my peers until I was nine. At that point I understood math and thought it was fun, so I didn't jump on the math-hating bandwagon. This made me uncool.

I heard lots of parents encourage their kids to hate math. Parents made jokes about how they hated math and struggled through it, then never used it in real life. Even my teachers (primary school through high school) told students they probably wouldn't have to use it, that they just needed it in case they decided to go to college. These attitudes lead a lot of my peers to complain about math classes more than any other subject, and dismiss its importance. And yet no one complains that they'll never have to know dodgeball later in life...

Fun fact: math is important unless you want to look like an ignoramus. Math isn't an abstract field with no interaction with other subjects. Mathematical concepts are used in majors you might think were math-free like philosophy, geography, mineralogy, architecture, geology, anthropology, psychology, ecology, and political science. Even if you aspire to a career with McDonald's, you should be able to do the basic addition necessary to give me correct change. Or if you want to stay home all day watching t.v., understanding the basic concepts of statistics will help you evaluate claims made on the news or the Tyra Banks show. Shit, even sports-fans use math for player statistics and rankings. And, of course, you should understand how interest and percentages work if you have a credit card or a loan.

I recently discovered that an estimated 70% of bloody primary education majors at my university are utterly confused by the following problem: if this ten-inch line (imagine it) equals 100%, then from the left end mark off 35%. Not so hard, right? (Mark should go at 3.5 inches, if you're daft).

Not only do I consider this an inexcusable failure of the American education system, I also hold parents and educators responsible for propagating negative opinions of math. Pull your head out of your ass and stop discouraging kids from learning.

Thanks,
Exempt
(Exempt OH WOW, VICODIN, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 23:36, 17 replies)

Short.
Dear Arthmelow,

Stop spending so much fucking time on b3ta.

love,
Arthmelow
(mmmm curry doesn't really understand this sig lark, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 23:30, Reply)

dear brother
Sorry I annoyed you so much. Sorry that we never got to hang out as we got older. Sorry that you couldn't see who I became. Sorry that you never got to meet B or come to the wedding. Wish I'd got to know you better and we hadn't had all the stupid sibling fights. Sorry for every time growing up I said I hated you. You kicked ass really.

Still think about you daily-even though it's been over a decade now.

Miss you so much bro,

xx
(pooster found out how long a piece of string was on, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 23:18, 2 replies)

Pissed Letter
While pissed I sent this to Gordon Brown.

And no I didnt get a response.

Gordon Brown MP,
10 Downing Street,
London,
SW1A 2AA
23rd March 2009

Dear Mr Brown,
I am writing to you after hearing that you praised Jade Goody as a “courageous woman” which is an incredible error of judgement on your part. Jade Goody was an overweight foul-mouthed illiterate racist who milked her disease for monetary gain and epitomised what is so bad about modern British society. She, and her publicist, cunningly exploited papers and television channels to extract the maximum revenue possible while ensuring her two little boys were forced to watch the death of their mother through the uncaring glare of the media.

Contrast this with Jane Tomlinson who when diagnosed with terminal cancer in 2000, raised almost £2m for cancer charities via competing in marathons, the Ironman Triathlon, and the Great North Run. She received threatening phone calls after becoming victim to a tabloid smear campaign, but ignored these and the pain of her treatment to cycle across the 4,000 miles across America and raising an additional £¼million in the process. Her son collected her posthumous CBE two months after her death.

As a taxpayer, and therefore your employer, I believe you should be working to remedy the dire mess you and your party has made of the economy through chronic mismanagement and not trying to pander to readers of OK! Magazine who have been brainwashed into believing Jade Goody was some sort of second coming. She was simply a pointless moron who shot to fame by being foul-mouthed, racist and considerably more unintelligent than the average Labour supporter, a feat that I am sure you will agree, is extremely difficult to achieve!

I trust that you will consider your public statements more clearly in future.

Yours sincerely,

J Harding
(jdharding, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 23:02, 4 replies)

dear cuntsack neighbour
i know you've only lived here a few months, but you've managed to really piss me off. i gave you the benefit of the doubt the first few weeks, but you've taken the piss. i am sick and tired of your boozed-up mates knocking on my door at 3 a.m, because they can't tell the difference between my house, which is next to an alleyway(entry to my fellow northerners), and yours, which isn't. i like pink floyd, but i don't want to hear it FOR SIX HOURS EVERY FUCKING NIGHT whilst you and your goon-looking brother sing along. on the subject of your goon-looking brother, i don't care if he beats the living shit out of you, i just don't want to hear either that or him trashing your furniture when he's annoyed. don't get pissed off when i take the bag of empty stella cans you dumped outside my gate and put them outside your gate. also don't get pissed off when i use a stick to flick your dog's shit out of my garden and into yours.
you can get pissed off when you get the eviction notification, but by then, it'll be too late. hopefully, whoever moves in after you will share my "don't fuck with me and i won't fuck with you" recipe for a happy and friendly neighbour relationship.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 22:13, 8 replies)

Australian Owl
I'm sorry for driving into you. When I traveled around the world, I didn't mean to go on a wildlife killing spree.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 22:12, 4 replies)

Dear Friend.
Thank you for taking me to my first Martial Arts class two years ago. Ever since then I have enjoyed it ever so much.

However in the last one year and six months. You, somehow, have grown your ego to the size of the sun. You refuse to do the techniques show, you'd rather talk about not doing them rather than trying them, and despite training for two years. Are still unfit as fuck, and decided to sit out after being tapped cos it hurts.

Man up or fuck off.

Yours Lovely,
Dante.
(Dante licked your nipple on, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 22:12, Reply)

Dad
I don't care if mum was able to forgive you. I never will. Never.

p.s Apologies for the whiney suggestion/answer.
(reducedfatLOLcat, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 21:53, 1 reply)

Dear mates.
You've put up with me through all the shite I've went through. You've listened to me bitch and whine, and through it all you've took me out, got me drunk and helped me laugh til it didn't hurt any more.

You're my mates, and I'll never tell you. But without all of you, I don't think I'd be here now.

I sincerely hope I never have to do the same for any of you, but if I have to, I will.

You cunts :)

I actually found that cathartic :D
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 21:37, 1 reply)

Cat
I'm sorry, cat. For sicking on that bush you were sleeping in, and making you run out scared
( moogman, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 21:35, 5 replies)

Dear Drama Queens...
Please get a little bit of perspective, just because you are embroiled in your latest emotional crisis it doesn’t give you the right to broadcast it to all in sundry. Just take a bit of time out to consider how important it is in the long term and you’ll find that punching the wall, crying pointlessly or generally acting like a cunt is just wasting your time and mine. Don’t get me wrong, I’m, not a Zen or Yogi master, I get angry, I get fucking furious. I’ve had a galactically shit year that would push most people over the edge and listening to you bitch and moan about your latest problem really doesn’t help, I make the effort to be personable, and yes, it is an effort. I manage to maintain a polite, light hearted conversational style on a daily basis without losing it so why can’t you? Your petulance and inability to cope with everyday life is insulting.

There are a number of things you do that really hack me off. For instance, if you have an allergy to nuts and someone offers you something that may have once been in the same universe as a peanut then simply say ‘No thanks’. Don’t swoon and with great gusto say ‘ooh, nuts I can’t have nuts, I’m allergic you know’ then continue to describe various unsavoury symptoms, I don’t want to hear them and you’re putting me off my Tracker.

At least the allergic have something actually wrong with them. If you’re not good at something then don’t make excuses for it by making something up. If you’re fat, let’s face it, it’s probably not your glands, asthma or that you’re big boned, it’s because you eat too much and do too little. The law of thermodynamics is simple, energy in, energy out, whingeing about it won’t help. You need to actually do something instead of expecting some magic quick fix. If you have a failing then at least be honest enough to admit it. Don’t say you’re aspergic if you habitually treat people like shit or dyslexic if you have never picked up a book in your life, Shut up, grow a spine and come back when you’ve got some real problems, we’ll have a chat, it’ll be nice.

- Jam

Ps I’m really not usually this judgemental but it has been a less than desirable day…
( JamHamster My eyes, my beautiful eyes!, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 21:29, 18 replies)