To my son, born 28th February 2010
To my darling beautiful son,

It's been a week and a half since I gave birth to you, and I just want you to know just how proud I am of you. How much I love you. How perfect you are.

You have your dad's face, you know that? You should know, I told you a million times, I'm sure. But my nose. You were always going to have my nose - there's no way you were getting out of it. It's a good nose. Your perfect little arms and legs, all long and gangly, they're your dad's. Your feet, your hands... Perfect.

I cherish every moment of my pregnancy, every little kick I felt. Even the times you would scare me by not kicking for a while, then trying to karate-chop your way out of me when I got too worried. I even cherish the heartburn you were responsible for!

You're so loved, little one. I spent the whole two days we were in hospital after you were born stroking your little face, amazed by your soft skin. Your dad had a lot of cuddles when I could bring myself to give you up.

I'm not sure I'll ever understand why your heart stopped beating while you were inside of me. Even if all the tests they did on the two of us show a medical reason, I'll never know why I was fated to be the mummy of a stillborn child. I'll never know why I had to plan a funeral for my baby when I was meant to still be pregnant.

I'm happy I was able to give you life inside me, that you seem to have died happy. At 32 weeks, you would have discovered dreams recently. I hope they were nice, baby boy. Did you dream about me like I did you? Could you hear me planning for your birth? Are you as proud of me as I am of you?

I'm glad we were allowed that time with you - I never knew that I would be allowed to keep you in the room with me after you were born. I'm glad we got a lot of photos of you. Do you know that the photographer that came and took your photo is putting some up for selection in an exhibition especially for pictures of sick or stillborn children? Your dad and I are so incredibly proud of that fact - even someone who sees a lot of children all the time knows how beautiful you are!

I was so scared every time someone would come into the room, thinking they were coming to take you away from me. Having to walk away from that hospital room was the hardest part of my life up to that point - it's now been succeeded by having to place the lid on your coffin.

I can still see your little face when I close my eyes. I hope those images never fade away. I hope I never forget the feeling of your sweet soft skin under my fingertips. I hope I continue to smell your scent in quiet moments. I know I'll never forget you.

It's been a week and a half since I gave birth to you, and I'm sure you know how proud I am of you. How much I love you. How perfect you are, even in death.

Love always,
Your mummy.
(EasilyRecognisable I’m back baby, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 14:26, 31 replies)

I'm so sorry
*hugs*
(Petite chien is going to do science to it, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 14:29, closed)

Thanks :)
It's really therapeutic being able to write things down - this is just a short version of how I'm feeling because I'm pretty tired right now.
(EasilyRecognisable I’m back baby, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 14:41, closed)

I'm replying to my own post so it can be high up on this page
But thank you to everyone who's commented, or even just read this.

Unfortunately it is true, but as I've said above, it helped being able to type it all out. Never has a QOTW been so appropriate for me, I wish it had been better circumstances...
(EasilyRecognisable I’m back baby, Wed 10 Mar 2010, 12:31, closed)

(Crying)
I salute your bravery for posting this, the most private part of your lives. I hope and pray that you are blessed with a living child; a brother or sister to the one that can never be replaced.
I've held too many dead children in my hands, that's part of the career choice I've made. Your bravery makes it easier for people like me and for that I thank you.
(stygof, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 14:40, closed)

*click*
This is very beautiful and touching.
I can't begin to imagine how you both must feel - your bravery and strength at being able to write such a wonderful tribute so soon after your loss is amazing.

*hugs and clicks*
( fastcar, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 14:48, closed)

No words,
just hugs.
( Blind Meach Cautiously optimistic, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 14:49, closed)

Horrible
I can't imagine anything worse.

Good luck.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Tue 9 Mar 2010, 14:53, closed)

Beautifully Written...
He'll be so proud of you...
If only every parent was as good as you...
This has moved me so much..
(acerboyz, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 15:03, closed)

Please

Let this not be true.

I've no idea what to say except I'm sorry.
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 15:14, closed)

I am so sorry for your loss.

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 15:25, closed)

Beautiful.
(paddysawyers music whore, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 15:29, closed)

I really hope this is entirely theoretical

and if not, you have my deepest, most heart-felt sympathy. I hope the joy he obviously brought you stays with you once the pain has receded. So very, very sorry...
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 15:44, closed)

Oh My
I have tears in my eyes right now. This is one of the most heartfelt things I have ever read.

You make me want to go home right now and hug my kids

I'm sorry for your loss
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 16:02, closed)

Me too
I'm leaving work early to go and do just that.

I'm so sorry. I hope... I don't know what I hope for you after a story like that. I hope you remember all the beautiful things about him.
(flimflam_machine, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 16:37, closed)

Hugs
You are incredibly brave.

I've just had a cry in the office.
(TAZ220 Not giving a toss since, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 16:34, closed)

I'm so sorry for your loss
Thank you for sharing and writing so beautifully.
(Puddle of Sugar was still wallpapering on, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 16:48, closed)

Writing this took courage
I hope you get your strength back soon and... well... I'm actually pretty speechless. Have a *click* not because I like, but because I admire. Cheers.
( SpankyHanky, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 16:54, closed)

Fuck. Just fuck.
I thought handling multiple miscarriages was hard (including twins).
Better luck next time and tea and sympathy for this.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Tue 9 Mar 2010, 17:18, closed)

*I Like This* has never been so inappropriate.
I'm so sorry for your loss.

Fuck!

xxx
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 17:45, closed)

Don't like but *click* with hugs.
(8oo8s, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 18:00, closed)

*clicks*
And *hugs*. So sorry for your loss xx
(allthatglittersisglitter, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 19:28, closed)

oh shit :(
:(
There really is no words that can be said to review this post.
I stopped my music and had a minutes silence for you and your baby.
(Miggyman, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 20:13, closed)

I've just done the same
and the last time I cried was 15 years ago, I've got no words for this post but a lump in my throat and wet eyes.
( edz314 smelled the glove on, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 20:46, closed)

It's hard not to repeat what's been said already...
but I think you're so incredibly brave, and strong. It must've taken so much to put all of what happened and what you feel into words. Lots of hugs, xx
(Lucoire tutted and shook her head in disbelief on, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 20:49, closed)

I'm a miserable cynical grumpy old git who would't shed a tear at anything
I do however seem to have dust in both of my eyes at the same time.

The click sends you a squeeze but don't tell anyone in case they think I've turned soft.
(randomstupidname would really like this signature field to be bigge, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 20:52, closed)

No like this
but clicked anyway

And speechless too. So Sorry FWIW
(CheatingRabbit, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 21:18, closed)

You poor things
I know it's early days, but when you both feel like trying again, be brave and go for it. You're wonderful parents already.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Wed 10 Mar 2010, 7:58, closed)

everyone else has already said it
*teary click*
( bluemeat has been best of all the animals since, Wed 10 Mar 2010, 15:07, closed)

Good for you
bonding with him after birthing him. Good for you not pushing it all back, but instead feeling it and coming through with a bit of happiness. Click.
(Ejaculantern was caught desecrating pumpkins on, Thu 11 Mar 2010, 4:38, closed)

...
... ... OMG. *wipes tears from eyes*

I know I can only reiterate what has been written already but I am so sorry. God I'm speechless. You are truly brave for what has happened in the last 2 weeks.
(satanstolemyteddybear Mu hõljuk on angerjaid täis, Thu 11 Mar 2010, 8:58, closed)

Our first daughter died at 3 days old (lack of oxygen in the later stages of childbirth). She died in our arms. She would be 13 years old now. Your eloquent letter brought back the rawness of those early days. I was sobbing at my desk at work reading your words and forwarded your letter to my wife. Even though we have gone through a similar experience I still cannot find any words to comfort you. All I can say is that we have two lovely children now and they know all about their beautiful older sister. Take care.
(rodmunch99, Thu 11 Mar 2010, 10:57, closed)