Not that pathological...
For most of last year at Uni I told my family that I'd been going to all of my seminars and lectures and as far as uni knew I was ill or some other excuse. I'm now re-sitting my second year because of this.
On a side note, perfect song for this QOTW - House of Cards by Madina Lake.
(OzEden is probably clinically insane, Tue 4 Dec 2007, 19:52, 2 replies)

back in the 80s...
A guy in school called M*** (name obscured to protect the guilty) was the proud owner of a ZX Spectrum and as was the case in those days, people would cram a C120 full of about 100 games and run off copies on tape-to-tape machines (Amstrad's single best contribution to popular culture). Sure, lots of people had Speccies, but he had to have all the games. ALL the games. Oh yes. You had it, he'd already finished it. It wasn't out yet, he had it on loan from a computer magazine like ZZAP! who were using him as a secret game tester. I was out of this arms race as I had a BBC (educational value computer etc) but the others in our group soon got a bit fed up with this. Eventually they laid a trap for him...

Friend 1: Hey, M***, have you seen that new game 'Deadly Dwarves?'

M*** : Oh yeah, finished it already , last night, stayed up till 2...

Friend 2: (turning up the heat) Have you seen what's coming out next week? 'Sperm Jet 3D'

M*** : Ah that's my favourite game this year, really realistic graphics

Friend 3: (even more sarcastic) I've just seen plans for the new graphical adventure game, 'Randy Bastards'

M*** : I helped design three of the levels you know.

Otherwise a perfectly nice guy, although when I saw him after the first year of university he was sporting a beard like The Kings Of Leon (and this was back in 1992...)
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Tue 4 Dec 2007, 19:21, Reply)

An Illustrious career
A bloke down my local tells the most ridiculous lies, completely stone faced, and expects us to lap it up.

We all started cottoning on to the fact after a while and laughed about it when he wasn't there. Eventually it came up in conversation and he still maintained that it was completely true.

For instance, he has been a hairdresser, an IT expert (helped set up help desks) and also a database administrator, a bar manager, a chef, a karate instructor, an actor... I think there were more, but they've slipped my mind.

He went on about how long he did each job for (seeing as they all require a reasonable amount of training). One of the guys sat there quietly the whole time, listening, then at he end piped up with - you must be about 120 by now then...

This had him a bit stumped, but apparently he did them all at the same time...

erm.. yeah, whatever.

When I started grilling him about when he was a DBA, i thought i'd trick him by asking a few technical questions. I started off with a fairly simple one... what does SQL stand for?

"It stands for Sequel" with a big smug grin.

me: "yeah, that's how you say it, but what does it stand for?"

This continued for a while until I finally told him what it really stood for, and he claimed that it's not the kind of thing a DBA would know about.

I could go on, but I'm even boring myself now.
( HoratioFellatio Taking the the out of psychotherapist, Tue 4 Dec 2007, 19:00, 1 reply)

It wasn't me...
It was the one-armed man.
(scentless_apprentice takes two bottles into the shower!, Tue 4 Dec 2007, 18:32, Reply)

Bruce Lee
This did the rounds at my school and we soaked it up,
"Bruce Lee had a one inch punch, he could floor you with it."

which became,
"Bruce Lee had a one inch punch, he could kill you with it."

Which progressed to,
"Bruce Lee didn't need to punch you, he would punch the air so hard the air would hit you and floor you.

eventually,
"Bruce Lee just had to think about punching you and your head would explode."

.
(sparks , oh, I don't know., Tue 4 Dec 2007, 18:27, 1 reply)

mines better than yours
I knew someone who always had have a story a bit better than your, and normally exaggerated a their story somewhat. I don't have a problem with that as most people do it a bit. But this person took it to new levels.

Like a story where a mate of ours told us, where his borhter managed to lose 14 phones in a year. I thought that sounded a lot, but I did know his brother and he was a dozy bastard so I thought that it was possible.

Then the person mention above pipped up with "Well I lost 55 in a year!"

Really?

This was after uni so we'd known her for over 3 years and she'd never lost a phone. But before we knew her she obviously had a very good insruance.
(Hello?, Tue 4 Dec 2007, 18:23, Reply)

How about lies we tell our kids?
There is a park here in Richmond called Maymont (http://www.maymont.org/) that has various wild animals on display, with a sign next to each identifying it.

One of these is the enclosure with the bobcats in it. According to the sign, a bobcat is a Felis rufus. So one day when one of my kids asked me if the bobcats had names I replied "Sure, one's Felix and the other's Rufus." Quick and easy answer to the question, I thought.

Last year my son, aged 16, came home from Maymont told me that he had informed his girlfriend and their friends of the names of the bobcats- only to have them laugh at him and point out the sign.

I embarrassed him without even being there. I'm a pro, I am...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Tue 4 Dec 2007, 18:03, 2 replies)

I was
definitely not driving a white fiat uno in Paris in 1997. I was on the moped.
(kickstandrich last had sex with your mum/sister/wife/daughter on, Tue 4 Dec 2007, 17:33, Reply)

Jamie M
Guy called Jamie at school, clever as fuck, but twice as naughty. Hacked into the schools BBC network and fucked it over many times.

Used to lie about having an Archimedes cmputer at home (look it up kids) but he didn't.

Also he mysteriously left school at 15 before his GCSEs which he would have sailed through.

Heres why:
catless.ncl.ac.uk/risks/12.12.html#subj1

Un fucking believable but actually true.

He is a fucking legend.
(SPLUFFMYPANTS, Tue 4 Dec 2007, 17:26, 3 replies)

I cant lie
I just cant lie, I cant do it. I cant ethically lie.

So when Id arrive work at late, my reason would be that "I was delayed on the Train".
They were very understanding!

No the train wasnt late, i was!
(Miggyman, Tue 4 Dec 2007, 17:21, Reply)

Drills! SAS! HELICOPTERS!
The biggest liar I have ever known is John P. He is not a 'pathological' liar in the true sense of the word, no. Just a bad one.

There are many but here are a few choice ones:

1. after overhearing in the pub that someone had just bought an expensive new drill. He pipes up that there was no need as he has an attic full of brand new ones, exactly the same. His bluff is called and the bloke takes his new dril back o the shop for a refund. John then goes out and buys the chap a drill so he doesn't get found out. Everyone knew he was lying from the start.

2. Used to be in the SAS but doesn't like to talk about it. (no not fucking much eh John)

3. This is the best by far. He was once engaged to a beautiful American girl. Unfortunately she was already seeing a huge black GI. Its a bugger when that happens I know. The tragic part is that when he confronted the pair of them as it was all about to kick off....... a passing helicopters engine FELL OFF and killed the pair of them. I know. What are the chances of that happening. How unlucky. No..wait BULLSHIT JOHN, YOU LYING CUNT.

Cheers
(SPLUFFMYPANTS, Tue 4 Dec 2007, 17:20, 2 replies)

Not a lie in the sense the question was asked, but definitely malicious.
Last summer I worked in Dallas. A girl there told me that American women believe anything we Tommys say as our accent makes us sound educated. Moo hoo ha ha ha!

So I told a ditzy-looking blonde that water in the UK was around 30% wetter that in the US. She seemed to get stuck in a loop in which she went: "really? How can that...? No. That's not... really? How can that...? No. That's not... really? How can that...? No. etc."

Poor lamb couldn't rationalise what I'd said at all, but had to beleive me because of my accent. I had to let her in on the joke before her head popped in an Austin Powers Femmebot style moment.
( rollthetroll el presidente, Tue 4 Dec 2007, 16:44, 1 reply)

I was ...
... the man on the balcony !
(Biff..., Tue 4 Dec 2007, 16:27, Reply)

All Londoners are pathological liars.
As most of the ones I know of insist that their public transport is somehow inadeqaute.

*checks watch to see if I've missed the only bus for two hours, that leaves you with a 50 minute wait for the connecting train from town*
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Tue 4 Dec 2007, 15:55, 3 replies)

Snake??? Really???
Just remembered this....

(well, I left school a loooong time ago)

A boy at my Primary school, smelly, holey jumper, none too bright. Claimed to have been bitten on the hand by a "pit viper" (which seemed odd because Scotland's not exactly teeming with venomous snakes!) at the weekend. He told us this on the Monday.

He'd fought off the effects of the venom and made a recovery so miraculous that he might even be on telly some day! He showed us the "bite mark" and everything - two wee red puncture wounds on the outside edge of his hand.

One of the lads was a cynical bugger even then, and mosied over to where our villain's older brother was hanging around. He came back near hysteria.

"Smelly Nelly" for that was his nick-name, had in fact been mucking around with a stapler and had somehow failed to notice, before squeezing it with his left hand, that his right hand was under the stapling bit (or whatever you call it). How on earth do you not notice that? Shallow end of the gene pool, for sure!

He was henceforth known (until we all left school at least) as Snakebite - which he took as a compliment!
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Tue 4 Dec 2007, 15:38, Reply)

whoops
the below rant should have been on a reply board
london underground 2
(bugboybeast, Tue 4 Dec 2007, 15:26, 1 reply)

In my opinion
When I become fascist dictator overlord of the entire universe (just a little matter of fine tuning my anti-matter ray,), I shall make th efollowing proclamation.

ALL public transport supervisors and managers are not allowed to own private vehicles and thus have to get to their highly paid jobs by public transport. Maybe then they will place sufficent resources staff etc to do a passable job.

End of rant - back to tinkering with my anti-matter ray
(bugboybeast, Tue 4 Dec 2007, 15:24, Reply)

Saull - Human Extraordinaire
This sad fucker Saull was 40 sumthing and hung round at the local skatepark smoking GoldenV and doin the odd little shit-trick on his 'well good' skateboard or bike he just bought (each costing well into the thousands, all custom, spared no expense)
and he would tell the most fantastic whoppers ever:
- he was a drug lord for 10 years in spain and sat in a hot tub with topless birds, smoking rockie and shooting sheep (wtf?)
- he was a world renown body builder for 10 years, but quit bcuz he got too muscly and it got too easy (despite him being a short skinny goblin)
- was a world renown DJ for 10 years and knew all the major club owners
all in all from the rest of his adventures we chalked his age to 80 years.
once slept with a 16yr old and said "its ok, i told her i was 25" no its not ok.
some of the stuff wasnt even worth saying, like the new gun the army had and he'd got one. was brilliant, 3 barrels for 3 different size bullets, grenade launcher, the works.


was a fun day when we found out he lived in a caravan in his mums back garden
(Joe Guevara is well known for stealing your biscuits, Tue 4 Dec 2007, 15:16, Reply)

3 Balls
I can't claim this one but it was very good. My chum Zafar asked his mate (when they were both 15) if his third ball had dropped yet. Not wanting to look out of place his pal responded "Well yeah... obviously... about a year ago. Catch up!".

Gosh, people will say anything to fit in.
( Captain Fabulous is what Willis was talking 'bout., Tue 4 Dec 2007, 15:06, 4 replies)

Reminds me of a childhood lie I once told
When I was in Primary School, I once told a fellow pupil that my brain was switched with that of an American man, and "proved it" by putting on a shockingly awesome American accent, and he totally bought it. How random!
(Roll Fizzlebeef enjoys a good Cleveland Steamer, Tue 4 Dec 2007, 14:48, Reply)

my little sister
Claimed to remember the 1987 hurricane in the South of Britain, which Michael Fish famously failed to forecast. She was born in 1989.

Oddly, she didn't admit to lying when I called her on this, I can't for the life of me remember what her reasoning was.
( catness, Tue 4 Dec 2007, 14:43, 2 replies)

I never 'got'
When I was very young, my dad always used to tell me 'if you ask, you don't get'....it wasn't until I was in my late teens that I realised that wasn't the way the phrase went...and that I never 'got' anyway.
:'(
(!sis, Tue 4 Dec 2007, 14:24, 2 replies)

One girl in school
Told us her hair was naturally purple, despite it being a dirty blonde the week before.

Also told us she'd got out of the shower and her dog got randy and fucked her, and now she was pregnant.

Also told the whole school that a girl with cancer (and was now bald due to chemo) had actually got nits, and shaved her hair off. She got bollocked for that one.

Then the (scruffy) girl at school who did get nits and took clippers to her hair ended up being stuck up for by said liar by saying she had cancer, despite the #2 stubble and eyelashes/eyebrows being intact. Also got bollocked for that.

Told us she'd had a knee replacement and couldn't do PE. No scars, no fresh wounds, no nothing.

Told us (after I was called in assembly to explain my 'disability' AARGH) that she'd had a heart operation. Sliced her chest open. When asked to see the scar, there was nothing there. She said it'd healed COMPLETELY. Considering she'd had it 'done' about 2 years ago, this is impossible.

Wonder where she is now?
( Methylene Blue - electrohead, Tue 4 Dec 2007, 14:13, 2 replies)

How did he even think we would believe him
Back in the mists of time, well, the early 90's anyway, there was a young chap who I shall call Chris Cole (for that was what he claimed his name was).

His stories were reknowned for being the biggest bunch of horse tripe going.

For example.

1) He was in the air cadets, he claimed that while on some sort of Air Cadet week away to a RAF base he got to fly in a Tornado jet. OK, unlikely but plausable I hear you mutter. When I say "fly in" I actually be "fly", this was the cause of his bad back as he claimed to have crahsed it doing a loop-the-loop, but the RAF covered it up.

2) Again, related to air cadets, he claimed that he had been over in the middle east for the 1st gulf conflict, helping load laser guided bombs onto jets. This was so obviously a lie due to the fact he is a year younger than me and I WAS 14 WHEN IT KICKED OFF!!!!

3) His parents owned an apartment in New York, above Yoko Ono's. I should mention the fact that his parents lived in a bungalow and ran a local florists in a small seaside town. They also drove, IIRC, a Lada. The only reason I can think that they did this while having a swanky apartment in New York is that the property taxes must have been crippling and they had to save money by living in a crappy little seaside town in Kent.

The last I remember hearing about him, was something along the lines of his making his parents florists go out of business becuase they let him run it, and instead of actually running it like a business, he took loads of money out of the till to buy DVD's.

The twat.

(insert cherry popping joke here)
(fuck you, it's cold in here)
(Pinko_Commie, Tue 4 Dec 2007, 14:12, 2 replies)

I swear on my mum's life that every word of this post is true... O_o
Many years ago, I worked for a small sales company, and we took on a chap by the name of Ron Frudd as a rep. (That's not his real name, I've changed it to protect the innocent, ie: me).

Ron was a good laugh, and a good rep, and lived near me so started coming to my local, got friendly with my mates and the (small) part of my family that came to the pub too.

He was so full of shit though, I mean did he believe what he was telling us, or did he just try and sell us anything to see if we'd swallow it? We all knew he was bullshitting but since he was a good laugh (and it was mostly* harmless) we let it slide...

Amongst his gems were:

"Yeah, I used to have a Ferrari, it was great but if you drove it hard the engine needed rebuilding every other week"

"Ron Frudd's not my real name, I put a drug dealer in jail and he swore that when he got out he'd kill me and my family"
(this after a long speech previously about how proud of his name he was and how glad he was that he had a son to carry on the family name).

"Well yeah, I can turn pain off at will"

"I'm quite envious of you getting a tattoo, I could never do it coz I couldn't stand the pain"

"I've got a tattoo - I'm not proud of it, I'll show you one day"

(Can you see how those last three link together quite nicely?)

He was also constantly referring to his time in "The Regiment" (for those of you who don't know, that's apparently how ex-SAS members refer to the SAS), and telling us how his wife spent the whole of the first Gulf War on the phone to John Major saying "No no NO Prime Minister, he's served his country and you CAN'T have him back!"

The biggest lie though, was when he denied that he'd shagged my Mum O_o

Length? I hope I never find out...


*I did say "mostly harmless"
(Marvin Kettle is boiling, Tue 4 Dec 2007, 13:47, Reply)

I told everyone at work
that Jed Watson former lead singer of Ash and now member of the Audiobullies was the last person to win Knightmare off the telly when he was 13.

It's not true.

I even made the guys name up and there is no connection between Ash and The Audiobullies.
(Mickeyburns, Tue 4 Dec 2007, 13:39, 4 replies)

ex colleague
used to work with a bloke called Paul (who subsequently got sacked for being pissed at work) he lived in a complete fantasy world and fabricated some unbelievable stories. they include;

1) he once went to lunch with Oasis and Kate moss, and they were all doing lines of coke off the table.
2) he once went ot watch the TVr world series and one of the drivers dropped out so he was asked if he wanted a go. he accepted and ended up beating Tiff Needell
3) years ago he once did exports for TVR and had to deliver a part to head office, he went into the owners office and was asked, "paul, what do you think of this plasticine model, it's the design for the new cerbera" Paul proceeded to change it and now claims credit for the rear quarter panels on the TVR cerbera.
4) He also used to play for QPR and Paul Gascoigne once commented on what an amazing goalkeeper he was, i googled his name and it came up with absolutely nothing!
(boosh, Tue 4 Dec 2007, 13:38, 1 reply)

Paxman, Elvis et al.
1) When I was in the SAS in the 1980s I knew a bloke who swore blind his dad was once a roadie for the Rolling Stones.
2) Anyone who trained to be an astronaut on the Space Shuttle Columbia (luckily, I was invalided out due to a injured knee) will remember the techician called 'Paxo' because he insisted he'd met Jeremy Paxman in a pub.
3) I used to play golf with Bill Clinton. We used to amuse guests in the club house by getting the barman to recount his frankly ridiculous story about how his sister was a female Elvis impersonator.
(Cameltoad, Tue 4 Dec 2007, 12:53, 1 reply)