Post office...
Just remembered..

I was about 4 on the IOW, and I went with my mum to the post office. I wanted some sweets but my mum says I couldn't as rats poo on them.

The old lady serving asked me if I was having any sweets today. I replied the above.

That taught her.
( Fronkle99, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 16:57, Reply)

Yes...the icecream one...
..but all i really want to do is get on the radio show.
(alexnessie \o/., Fri 16 Jan 2004, 16:43, Reply)

College
My parents told me that I wouldn't achieve anything by going to college to study rock music. Liars. I achieved nodules on my vocal chords from doing Cannibal Corpse covers, and I spent the entire year off my head.
(V3lvetPresley, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 16:43, Reply)

water bugs and cloud makers
my mother told me that if i left food in my room water bugs would come and eat my flesh while i was sleeping
and my father told me that the chemicals that come out of factories were cloud makers, i believed him till i took a science class.
(Polkaspots, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 16:39, Reply)

My Parents..
..For some reason, would lie to me when they weren't quite sure how to explain something. Take the A-Team for example. Many of you probably grew up on the A-Team, taking the examples set by B. A, Face, Hannibal et al, and applying their good natured banter and skewiff politics to your adult life, making you generally well rounded with an affinity to repeat 'I pity da FOOL' every six seconds.

Not I. No, I was not allowed to watch the A-Team, because of the sheer violence and blood in it. Now, being a child, I watched it anyway at my friends houses, and until last year, I was completely baffled as to my Mum and Dad's explaination of why I couldn't watch it. Last year they admitted that it was because it wasn't realistic enough! They would have preferred me to watch Barberella (which they sat me down for when I was 7 - I was terrified) than have a slanted view of the effects of violence (one example - A helicopter crashes into the side of a mountain. Both passengers and the pilot get out, cough, brush their clothes off and wander down, using their guns to aim at everything BUT the A-Team.)

I see their point, but why deprive me of a childhood essential?

edit:apologies for the massive post and lack of humour.
(V3lvetPresley, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 16:38, Reply)

I once asked my Mum
what rape was. She told me that it was when a man made a lady go do the shopping when she didn't want to.

I understand shielding your children from bad things, but that's going to far!
(V3lvetPresley, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 16:31, Reply)

Parental lies
When I was little we'd get about 6 or 7 different icecream vans that would visit at various times. We were told that only one of them washed his hands so that was the only one we could use.

A friend of mine was told that if the ice cream van was playing it's jingle then it meant it had run out of icecream.
(heppy23, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 16:27, Reply)

My Parents.....
around the age of 3-5 used to tell me i had turned into pair of scissors and that if went near them i would cut them up.

cock knockers
(James_chaka, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 16:27, Reply)

rain stop
i thought my dad had magic powers!
i thought my dad could stop and start the rain. we would be travelling in the car and he would say 'rain stop', low and behold it would, he then said 'rain start'. wow i thought! for years i thought he could do this, until one day i realised he would say this as we drove under a bridge.
i felt such a fool that i was so gullable and that i didnt even notice that my mum and dad were pissing themselves at my expense.
i still get reminded of it to this day, the gits
(starbabe, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 16:15, Reply)

Tartan
When I was a litte kid, my mum took me and my brother to buy our first kilts.

She picked out a tartan, and told me that was our Clan tartan. Fully chuffed, I wore my kilt with pride.

Fast-forward twenty years: While preparing for our wedding, my mum phoned up to ask how it was going.

Me: "Good, Mum. Just organising the kilt hire."

Mum: "Oh, good. What tartan are you going to have?"

Me: "What do you mean? The Gordon, of course! The family tartan!"

Mum: "What are you talking about? We don't have a family tartan!"

Me (identity wailing into the depths): "What? It's Gordon. You told me it was the Gordon! We're in the Gordon clan!"

Mum: "Don't be silly, son. That just went with my dress at the time. Anyway, what about the flowers?"

Me: "whimper"

Some people on here say "I believed this until I was 7/6/9". I believed her lies until I was twenty-bloody-six!
(weedom, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 16:15, Reply)

My Mother is Evil
My mum told me that the gunk you find in your eyes in the morning was Bird Poo!

She went on to describe the way that birds could find their way into your bedroom at night and leave their little droppings behind! This has disturbed me ever since..
(Ginger_tart, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 16:10, Reply)

mmm mmm crap
One time I asked my mom what she was making for dinner that night. She said she and dad were going to pop me into the microwave, and I would be dinner. I thought she was serious too. I cried.
(pk, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 16:06, Reply)

semi-on
I once heard the term "semi-on" on a comedy programme when I was little. I asked my parents what it was. They said it was a kind of boat.
(Mystery Woo Yay Boy, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 16:03, Reply)

Yeah right...
"You'll thank me for it one day..."
I still bloody haven't, and never will. Lying bitch.
(Poofssaywhat, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 16:00, Reply)

Birth Control
When I was little, I asked my mom what birth control was. She said it was eating healthy foods like salads and vegetables.

She'll deny it to this day, but she's lying.

Good thing I'm ugly or I would have made a lot of girls pregnant by now.
(Version20, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 16:00, Reply)

graffitti
my mum told me that graffitti was written by very poor old ladies who couldn't afford pen and paper to write their shopping lists on the wall.

it never occured to me that you could get "errol is a nob" at tescos...
(dtnl, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 15:48, Reply)

Why Mother, WHY?
My mother told me, when I was around 7 years old, that men could have babies, but they come out the bum and it was very messy on account of all the poo.
What the hell is up with that?
(Smell eep!, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 15:39, Reply)

Society made me lie
My 3 year old came back from nursery full of all the Santa hokum. I don't want to lie to the wee guy about anything. But on the other hand I didn't want to make him the most miserable kid in school by telling that the fun stuff all the other kids are excited about is just a myth made up by toy manufacturers.

What could I do?

(on the other hand my guilt is assuaged by some of the stuff I've read here. I'll promise I'll never pull the ice cream van trick)
( calgacus Non sum qualis eram bonae sub regno Cynarae, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 15:39, Reply)

Televisual Deception
My mother told me we couldn't get ITV on our TV so that I didn't watch any uneducational nonsense with adverts (that my friends all watched/talked about daily).

I believed her.

Till I was five.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 15:38, Reply)

my dads mate
eats kids.
(doktored, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 15:07, Reply)

Yummy Food
My Mum told me that I wouldn't like certain foods, and I believed her until I was about 16. Believe it or not these included pizza, burgers, kebabs, curry, and bolognese!!!

Once I went to Uni at 18 they pretty much made up my whole diet.
(Scroatey, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 14:56, Reply)

Bicycle pumps
One dull afternoon, a friend and I were playing in the street outside his house, seeing who could make the best fart/squeek noise by putting the end of a bike pump in his belly button and pumping.

His mum came out and told us off saying "you will inflate your bellies and might die". Needless to say we saw the lie for what it was and went elsewhere to continue our [non-gay] pumping.
( Bonce, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 14:39, Reply)

Rabbit? No dear, you must be mistaken...
That's not rabbit stew. It's underground chicken.
( Sausagegirl, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 14:29, Reply)

Brussel Sprouts 2

Fairy Cabbages? MY MOTHER said "Just try and eat them, they're good for you and you'll like them." SHE LIED but I think she eventually got the message when I puked all over the dinner table.

Also, at that moment (thirty years ago) I vowed I would never ever eat another one, and I bloody haven't...

Ho Ho Ho.
(SproutsAreEvil, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 14:23, Reply)

'Jungle Bunny'...
...means a rabbit that lives in the jungle. (As told to my step-brother, aged 6, by my step-mum after he asked her what the phrase meant.)

(BTW, apologies from me for even mentioning this racist taunt.)

Also...

The angry farmer will get you if you go out the back gate. (As told to me, also aged 6, by my Dad. Our house actually backed onto a light industrial park.)

Wasps won't sting you if you stay still. (Again, my Dad. It would appear that saying this at some point is in the general Dad contract that all fathers sign.)
( Amish Information Systems hates misplaced, commas, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 14:22, Reply)

Babys
i asked my dad "were babys come from?" as soon as i asked him he said "they come from a moms mouth!" " now go no more qustions!"
(adordiamond, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 14:20, Reply)

My ickle Lie
I used to like the Kenny Everett Show. On that show was a character called 'Cupid Stunt'. I asked my mom what a 'Cupid Stunt' was (being 5 years of age at the time), she told me it was a name for Punk Rockers. A couple of days later I was with my mom when walking down the street came a mohican sporting Punk Rocker, to which I shouted "Look mom its a 'Cupid Stunt!!!!'
(Wook13 Been away but is now ducking a fuck on, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 14:19, Reply)

My mother
told me that there is a god.

She's a fucking liar, if ever there was one.
(Brian Blessed, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 14:02, Reply)

Brussel Sprouts
My brother and myself hated brussel sprouts. WOuldn't touch them. What we *did* love, however, were 'fairy cabbages'. These little, teeny tiny cabbages, made byt he fairies that were place don our plates by magic. It was so wonderful an idea that we lapped them up.

It was only when we were about twenty that we discovered that, in reality, fairy cabbages were, in fact, brussel sprouts!

Note that none of this makes any sense, as we hated cabbage as well, but what can I say, we were only little...
(Bellman, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 13:56, Reply)

Telling lies...................
Makes your tounge turn Black. Try telling the truth after 20 blackjacks!
(Adaminho, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 13:55, Reply)