THE ONE ABOUT THE ICE CREAM VANS...
I've seen it so many times on here now that if and when I ever do have kids, I'll just tell them this. It doesn't mean he's run out of Ice Cream, he's got loads of the stuff. What the chimes do mean is that HE'S A SCROUNGING GIT WHO USES THAT CHEAP RECORDING OF GREENSLEEVES TO GET YOU KIDS TO PESTER THEIR PARENTS INTO GIVING THEM MONEY!!! AND YOU'VE JUST HAD YOUR TEA!! AND IT'S JANUARY, IT'S BLOODY SNOWING OUTSIDE, AND YOU WANT ICE CREAM?? EH?

See, don't lie to your kids, tell them the truth and maybe they will see the EVIL of the ice-cream van and his greensleeves, playing all day and all night. Get a real job, git. If you want to drive a van all day, see if DHL are recruiting.

Rant over. Mine's a 99.....
(fourplusone, Thu 22 Jan 2004, 18:37, Reply)

my mum is so dirty...
when I was little my mum and my aunt had great fun playing with my gullibility...
once at the seaside we bought some winkles, prawns and jellied eels from one of those little mobile stalls. I, being curious, asked what winkles are and she replied that they were prawns willies, and they cut them off and sold them seperate because they were the best part.
she also used to pick all the whole bits of squid out of paella and show me the beak, telling me it was a squids willy.
Of course, while I understood what a willy was, having been told about where babies come from properly at the tender age of 4, it did leave me with some strange ideas about what men had in their pants for quite a while...
(weenerfoetus, Thu 22 Jan 2004, 18:01, Reply)

When I was little I had a fish.
He died. My parents consoled me and informed me he had had a proper burial in the garden. They even told me whereabouts he was. However, several years later I discovered he had in fact been unceremoniously flushed down the toilet. This panicked me slightly when the rabbit died.

One day my nan's mascara and eyeliner had gone a bit flaky, and, being little, I asked her what the black around her eyes was. She told me that Grandad had punched her. Thing was, I happily accepted this without question, even though my grandad is a sweet old man.
(Dr. Zoidberg, Thu 22 Jan 2004, 17:42, Reply)

Vegetarian Ham
I became a vegetarian at the wise old age of 11. My dad used to buy "vegetarian ham" for me when I stayed with him. I even remarked that "it tasted just like real ham". It was only when I was 27 that he pointed out that there was no such thing (well, not back in those days anyway).
(Fuzzy Mornings, Thu 22 Jan 2004, 16:29, Reply)

Ice Cream Vans
Yes Clendrix is right. Only in my dad's version you get stabbed in the eye with a 'biro' as well...

Fair enough I think you'll all agree.
(SproutsAreEvil, Thu 22 Jan 2004, 16:11, Reply)

I was at my ex gf's once
and she put on some up-and-coming indie band's cd. i looked at the sleevenotes and said "this track's written by justin timberlake". she believed me. briefly.
(hnnrs, Thu 22 Jan 2004, 16:02, Reply)

Jelly
My dad was making individual jellies for a birthday party in clear plastic cups. he was doing it in layers, green red and purple.

I was little about 4 or 5, and asked him what the red layer was.

He told me he had cut his finger, and it had bled in the jelly.

I refused to eat any jelly at my birthday party :(

He also had a plastic press thing, that you put hard boiled eggs in and it made them square. he used to tell me he had square chickens at work that layed square eggs. For years I believed that.
(Flower has a new job!, Thu 22 Jan 2004, 16:00, Reply)

ice cream vans
My Dad once told me that if people ignore previous posts regarding vans, music and the like, and instead persist in regaling us with unecessarily similar tales, a large man with a stick will visit them in the night and beat the crap out of them.
Let's hope that not everything out of a dad's mouth is a lie.
( thealternativefact, Thu 22 Jan 2004, 15:37, Reply)

...
He's not technically a parent, but Friend A did manage to convince the girlfriend of Friend B that the album they were listening to was his band's new demo (the album was 'Abbey Road').

He's also fond of telling people about his job at SignFM, "the radio station for the deaf."
(el_chimpo, Thu 22 Jan 2004, 15:14, Reply)

ice cream van music
we must be up to about 40 ice cream van music posts. that's two per page people, you have to be blind or stupid or both.

THIS IS A STANDARD LIE THAT LOTS OF PARENTS TELL THEIR CHILDREN, WE DON'T NEED TO HEAR IT ANY MORE TIMES THANKS VERY MUCH.

sorry.
( wingphil, Thu 22 Jan 2004, 14:28, Reply)

Ice cream vans
Read the fucking posts, I've had enough of the ice cream one.

retards
(Sid, Thu 22 Jan 2004, 14:11, Reply)

A lie I told my girlfriend
Apart from all the obvious ones that boyfriends tell, I once told her that "vol-au-vent" was French for "death package". She believed me.

I also told her the collective term for (computer) mice was "meeces", "because calling them mice would be stupid".

I can't wait to have kids.
(wilesy, Thu 22 Jan 2004, 14:03, Reply)

yuppie dog blah
How we laughed at the yuppie being a kind of dog story....not!
(katiepickle, Thu 22 Jan 2004, 13:44, Reply)

lies my grandpa told me and my cousin
My grandpa had some skin problems for which he had to put thick layers of white cream on his face every night. This we didnt know. When I was was sleeping over with my cousin he came down one night, with his white, cremed face, wearing a large towel wrapped around his head, and his bathrobe on. While we were watching tv he was yelling at my grandma, "Ma, where did you leave my circus shoes?! You know I have to be there in half an hour to do my show! Now im running late!".

My cousin and me were both shocked and could do nothing but stare at what was going on, our grandpa was a circus clown......
(brbr, Thu 22 Jan 2004, 13:24, Reply)

Not mine, but a mates
A friend of mine, when younger was in the car with his Dad when he saw a "GB" sticker on a car. He asked his dad what it meant, and his dad asked if his son knew what a Red "L" meant. My mate recalled it stood for Learner, so his dad explained the GB meant "Getting Better"
(Waynster James Joyce is fucking my sister!, Thu 22 Jan 2004, 13:14, Reply)

I was told by my auntie
that a yuppie was a kind of dog...took me ages (and several misunderstandings) to work that one out.

...ice cream van music means they've run out blah blah fucking blah...
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 22 Jan 2004, 12:36, Reply)

Lies your parents told you...
I was at a friends house when I could here the music of the ice cream van getting closer and closer. My friends kids started jumping up and down and freaking out for their mum to go treat them, she just looked at them and said that she would but the ice cream man only plays the music to tell everyone that he has run out of ice cream. Now they never bother her when the ice cream man visits their street! Classic!
(katiepickle, Thu 22 Jan 2004, 11:41, Reply)

how about lies your teachers told you
our chemistry teacher - in order to reinforce the "waft and sniff" method when smelling chemicals - went up to my friend Gary with a bottle and said "have a sniff, it's perfume". Gary has a big whiff and falls off his stool. "That was ammonia," says teacher as Gary's eyes are streaming and he's gagging on the floor, "so remember to waft it with your hand rather than sniffing it directly."

Mind you, Gary did let the locusts out of the locust box, so he had it coming.
( shavedchimp something something oranges something, Thu 22 Jan 2004, 11:13, Reply)

aged 4 or 5
me mam told me that Thunder was the sound caused by clouds bumping into each other. Cut to Sixth Form Geography and meterology, some idiot gave the reply to the same question.

Thunder is not caused by clouds bumping into each other.
(cottonreel, Thu 22 Jan 2004, 10:39, Reply)

pour homme.
When I was about 7, I remember my dad going to do a job in America(Americans suck with a capital S). He's a joiner and he was fitting some cabinets in a perfume shop. He was away for about 3 days and came back bearing glorious gifts. He had loads of little sample bottles of purfume which i guess the shop gave him(chances are he nicked it)
Anyway...me and my mum recieved loads of differnt samples and I found one that I really liked. It was called Joop. So for ages I wore it untill it ran out. I had some funny looks so i asked my dad if it was aftershave... "Dad, is this aftershave?"
"No, why?"
"Doesn't matter." heard nothing of it untill..
In year seven when I started to study the subject of french. One day we were learning about men and women and oh the irony when my teacher said "Homme means MEN"
Then i went into a flashback... I remembered myself looking at the bottle of Joop...main text saying JOOP and then underneath that it said...POUR HOMME! OH MY GOOD GOD! *END*
(amy_metc4lf, Thu 22 Jan 2004, 10:29, Reply)

Deaf?
When walking past a shop that sold hearing aids, my Dad came up this this little pearl of wisdom:

"Do you know why they write the sign in large letters?", pointing to the name of the shop over the window.
"It's so deaf people can read it."

Hmmm.
(minister of heresy, Thu 22 Jan 2004, 8:47, Reply)

The Queen's a Methodist
My dad once told me the Queen was a Methodist. He got (still gets) years of mileage out of that one. I've never truly forgiven him...
(Ju-Ju, Thu 22 Jan 2004, 5:28, Reply)

I just find the number of
young teenagers on here that think they're cool 'cos they got drunk before they turned 15 is highly amusing.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Thu 22 Jan 2004, 5:12, Reply)

i went to the lake with my mum and dad once
and my dad had goosebumps and i was told he was turning into a goose. made me cry. i was only three.
(You're a Superstar..., Thu 22 Jan 2004, 2:10, Reply)

I hate turkey.
As a kid, and even now, I really never liked Turkey. Only during Thanksgiving do I eat the stuff. One Thanksgiving forever tainted my Turkey cravings. We usually cut the turkey and bring it to the table instead of carving it at the table. When I was around 9, I reached for the juiciest, most appealing piece of turkey that caught my eye, which at the same time the rest of the family avoided. As I was munching away happily, I noticed my two demon brothers laughing away in the corner. My godmother told me "Don't mind them, mija, the FUNDILLO is the best tasting part", "umm... what's the fundillo?" My brother piped up: "THE TURKEY'S ASSHOLE!!!"
(Morgenrot, Thu 22 Jan 2004, 0:37, Reply)

When I'm at work in the supermarket....
Mums will often warn their kids not to misbehave by saying "that man over there..." (i.e. me) "..will tell you off if you keep doing that."

NO I BLOODY WON'T!!! I'VE GOT BETTER THINGS TO DO THAN HECTOR OTHER PEOPLE'S SNOTTY KIDS!! It's a lie junior, don't believe her. Just keep on climbing up that shelving, there's a good boy.... I'm not even gonna say a word to ya.
(fourplusone, Wed 21 Jan 2004, 23:58, Reply)

Lies Your Parents Told You
...and I once obsereved a baby in a stroller asking mum for 'lol-lol' (lollies), and the mum promising some when they got home if bubba was well-behaved. Nothing amiss there, until the mum turned to me, winked and said "I've only ever given him dry crackers, and just told him that's what a lolly is." ...That's right up there with saying the world outside the garden is full of poison gas....
(poolpartymcguyver, Wed 21 Jan 2004, 23:41, Reply)

Lies Your Parents Told You
When I was 15 and the school band had just formed, I wanted to sign up to learn saxophone (as you would). My parents looked me dead in the eye and said with grave faces that the saxophone produced a saw-tooth soundwave, and would therefore send me deaf... AND THEN TRIED TO TRADE ME OFF WITH THE CLARINET, No.1 UNCOOL INSTRUMENT CHOICE OF CHILDREN PLAYED OUT BY PARENTS WITH RECORD INDUSTRY STYLE NEGOTIATION TECHNIQUES. I spent the next few years putting my hands over my ears as protection everytime a band busted out the sax...
(poolpartymcguyver, Wed 21 Jan 2004, 23:37, Reply)

One more for the road...
This isn't a lie anyone told me, but it was my own little made-up theory. One time my mom told me that we were having "city chicken" for dinner, so I automatically concluded that it meant we would be eating pigeons.

A while laterr, I was with my Aunt and she too mentioned city chicken. I told her that she would be eating pigeons and she laughed at me. I refused to believe her when she told me it was really pork.
(pk, Wed 21 Jan 2004, 23:04, Reply)