What's this double glazing malarkey?
And is it worth the install price of $250000 with only 10% deposit down now in cash?
(shitposter from the anals of posteriority on, Thu 2 Apr 2015, 12:44, 4 replies)

When Suzi Quattro sang "you gotta can the can", what do you think she meant?

( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Wed 1 Apr 2015, 22:22, 32 replies)

pearoast
sort of works for this QOTW...

On the Tube last week
I watched as a bloke ran on to the train on the northern line. The doors were already closing, but not wanting to wait another 3 mins for the next train, managed to fit an arm through the door before they closed, then forced them open. He then squidged himself on. Much to the dismay of the cramped passengers on the other side of the door.

The doors then slammed shut behind him.

I then noticed his beige rain mac hadnt made it through the door as well as he had, and was sticking a clear 1-2 foot out into the air. I giggle, we all giggle. Twat man has had his day.

He then sees us all giggling and with a smirk on his face begins to pull his coat through the doors... until it jams... Why had it stopped? because there was a great big brown button jamming it on the outside - preventing it from being pulled through.

Then I heard the whine of the motors start up and away he went...

His coat was still 1 foot clear of the train sticking out. As it ran down the platform it would waft past and slap people knocking peoples newspapers.

God knows what state it was in by the time he got to the next station.
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Wed 1 Apr 2015, 14:25, 5 replies)

a little while ago i hadn't gotten around to renewing my oyster card, so i was in the queue to top it up
there were 2 machines, and i wasn't sure if the 2 people in front of me were together or not. i leaned forward to ask, at which point the man behind me sighed loudly and barged past me to use one of the machines. i was furious enough to break the code of the tube, and spoke out loud.

"what do you think you're doing? there's a queue."

"you were taking too long," he shrugged.

"I WAS BEING POLITE. SOMETHING YOU COULD DO WITH," i seethed, and went to use the other machine as it had come free. 1 minute later, i had finished. to my glee, the twat was still struggling to complete his transaction.

"now that's taking too long," i said sweetly, and left him stewing and still struggling to shove his manky coins into the machine. the words "fuck" and "off" may have followed me down the stairs to the platform, but that was one more fuck than i gave.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 1 Apr 2015, 14:11, 17 replies)

An Announcement
It is with great sorrow, sadness and regret that I make this announcement: I am leaving B3ta.

The reasons behind this are personal and need not concern you. Suffice to say it has been with a lot of careful thought and sleepless nights that I have come to this decision. The decision to leave B3ta after many years of fun, after many wonderful stories, and much, much hilarity.

One matter I think I must address before I go. The matter of my identity. I am not 'Dr Skagra', of course; and I could reveal to you my true identity - but I am a prominent figure; I'd even go so far as to say a household name, and any connection with this site would harm my shining reputation.

So it just remains for me to say, goodbye, 'sweeties'. Goodbye, friends.

It's been fun.

Goodbye.
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Wed 1 Apr 2015, 11:25, 14 replies)

Lit till's Vicks stories.

(McChinaman banned, Wed 1 Apr 2015, 10:25, 1 reply)

I got so upset by someone being silly on the internet I made a passive-aggressive post about them.
Needless to say, the last laugh was MINE.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Tue 31 Mar 2015, 21:16, 10 replies)

I had such a grudge
against the members of a popular website, that I kept a record of all their failures for years to use against them. I had my victory when the amusing (even if embellished) stories mostly stopped, many regulars left, and tumbleweeds blew in.
( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Tue 31 Mar 2015, 21:13, 3 replies)

When I moved haouse a couple of years ago
I was surprised to find that in between me viewing the property and the previous tennets moving out a shed had been put up in the back garden that had double glazing.
( Reme Philips laid an epic dump on, Tue 31 Mar 2015, 18:52, Reply)

While out driving last week I saw my old school bully walking down the road.
Stopped and had a catch up. He seems to have grown up to be a thoroughly nice bloke, good for him.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 31 Mar 2015, 17:45, 22 replies)

Just got home to find instead of a bar stool Argos have delivered a nice new bike.
Well I say delivered, it was Yodel so they dumped it up the side of the house. I phoned to let them know and they are going to pick up the bike, send us the bar stool and credit us for it so its free. Bonus.
( Peej, Tue 31 Mar 2015, 16:58, 9 replies)

Corporate Shit. Literally.
I work in a big multi-national. As befits a company that ‘values innovation and risk-takers’, the company values neither. Naturally, progression is made by covering your back and sucking up to the right people.

Nevertheless, being the blooded-minded fool that I am, I joined the Innovation Forum - mostly because it looked good on my end-of-year review (another tragic truth of today’s working environment is that you need only be mediocre at your actual job; doing unimportant and unrelated tat is seen as going beyond the call of duty, apparently).

After a lot of badgering, I finally managed to get a suggestion through the claustrophobic layers of management. My amazing suggestion? That inviting clients to see your shiny new showcase head office is not much good if you then direct to ‘freshen up’ in cesspit bathrooms built in the 1950’s for 50% fewer staff.

Forthwith, the shabby bathrooms (with their gross yellowed walls, fouled bogs and overflowing drifts of used paper towels) were replaced by the latest in shiny, new ‘rest facilities’.

But was this my minor victory? It was not.

As with all big multinational that will cheerfully waste millions, it will surprise no-one that they penny-pinch in the dumbest ways. The cheapest contractor was hired for these new ‘rest facilities’ – one which didn’t bother to properly align the doors on the new bogs, meaning the bolt couldn’t be shot into place.

And being an ‘innovative’ company, the rest of the sheeple simply didn’t have the wherewithal to try – for example – sticking their foot under the gap of the door and lifting it slightly, thereby letting the bolt slide neatly into place.

Therefore, for months, I basically had my own executive toilet.

That was my little victory. And it was bliss.

The roomiest, newest cubicle in the building was all mine! No longer did I suffering the strange, sphincteral offerings of my barely house-trained colleagues, who seemingly had an arsehole designed to spray their revolting goo everywhere but down the pan. No more odd hair, no more bastards using the bog as a urinal, and spraying piss all over the seat (why do people do this?).

I could swan into ‘my’ cubicle with complete confidence of both cleanliness and peace, guaranteed that the seat of my throne had been graced by no-one’s butt-cheeks but mine. Honestly, tiny though it might seem, its difficult to describe the sheer satisfaction of taking a dump in such environs.

I was crushed when my reign ended, and the doors were fixed.
(IChewCandlewax, Tue 31 Mar 2015, 13:40, 19 replies)

I persuaded my son to wear some smart trousers to a christening with no fuss whatsoever.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Mon 30 Mar 2015, 22:24, 7 replies)

This particular victory was a glorious one.
I AM A FUCKING HERO.
Or I would be if this happened
IT DIDN'T HAPPEN.

A long time ago I was in the pub, meeting up with my ex-wife/supermodel's dad and new wife. God, she was such a fucking WHORE BITCH, first thing she did was undress me with her eyes, next thing was to buy me a drink. I'd already had six cans of spesh by then so I asked the FUCKING WHOREBAG to get me a triple scotch.

Fuck me, they were arseholes. They bought me more drinks and asked me back to their house, by now FUCKING WHORE BITCH was sucking me off with her eyes and it was really fucking annoying, with barely contained rage I accepted.

I'm not going to tell you what happened next but lets just say the FUCKING DICKHEAD FATHER got all shirty and that. After I'd pulled my trousers back up he asked me to "please leave."

As I stood outside on the lawn, swaying, red-faced and screaming YOUFUCKINGSHITWHORECUNT, I swore I would have my revenge.

AND I DID.

Through many improbable and un-specified means I gained entry to their house and played a few light-hearted japes on them. JUST TO SHOW THEM WHO THE FUCK THE BOSS IS!!111!1!1!!!!

1) I bitch-punched a goat to death in their basement and hung its intestines like FUCKING BUNTING.

2) Made copies of their keys and posted them to every address in the WORLD, so any fucker could come round and do what they liked.

3) I shat in their boiler 384 times. HAVE FUN WASHING YOUR HANDS BITCHES.

4) Rigged their shower so it would spray blue dye over them. I admit, I may have watched Private Benjamin a few times. GOT A FUCKING PROBLEM WITH THAT YOU NONCE?!?!?

5) Put cobras in all the radiators, hungry cobras with FUCKINGWHORECUNT sprayed on them with cobra blood. Have fun regulating your heating now! LOLOLOLOLOLOL ROFL.

6) Repeatedly fired an Elephant gun at the mains water system, so it would leak and no-one would know why.

7) Placed paintpots filled with acid above every door in the house, leaving the doors slightly ajar. YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED NEXT YOU CUNTS.

8) Squashed kebabs into every light fitting in the house. Filled every wall cavity with Kebabs, fuck I even shoved kebabs up their eldest daughter while she was asleep.

9) Took all the taps out the house and replaced them with knobs I tore off children's corpses in the local morgue. SO EVERYONE IN THAT HOUSE IS A NECRO-NONCE.

10) Fill every lock in the house with fire ants. Real fucking angry fire ants. I told those fire ants that THEFUCKINGBITCHWHORE hated ants and always called ants GAYS.

and the one that clinched the deal...

11) Re-programmed a sky satellite to only spew out low grade Albanian porn to the house before firing A DEATH LASER at them.

as it turned out they were SO FUCKING STUPID they didn't even realise what happened. THEFUCKINGWHOREBAG cried every night, and the FUCKING DICKHEAD FATHER had a massive heart attack, brought on by cobra venom.

THAT'LL FUCKING TEACH HIM TO TELL ME TO GET OUT OF HIS HOUSE FOR TRYING TO GIVE HIS FUCKINGBITCHWHORE WIFE WHAT SHE SO CLEARLY WANTED!!111!!111!!11!!!!!

if you think I am a cunt then click "I like this"

I'M NOT A CUNT THOUGH CAUSE THIS WAS A WHILE AGO AND I WENT ON A ROLLERCOASTER AT ALTON TOWERS AND HAVE GROWN 1 INCH SINCE THEN.

FUCK YOU ALL YOU CUNTS.
(McChinaman banned, Mon 30 Mar 2015, 21:58, 17 replies)

Someone actually stayed about from my bins the other night.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Mon 30 Mar 2015, 21:58, Reply)

Place I'm going on holiday to has a saltwater pool which is almost certainly larger than 44,000 litres.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Mon 30 Mar 2015, 21:50, 8 replies)

I once bought some 'solid glass double glazing'.
Cunts tried to palm me off with something that had a thin bit of glass both sides and nothing in between.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Mon 30 Mar 2015, 17:01, 1 reply)

Sacked
I went thru a bad period in my life (divorce and depression) and the large corporation I worked for helped me out no end by engineering a reason for my dismissal (basically, they trolled through my inbox and found about 25 'personal emails' in over a decade of work, which they said was a clear breach of policy and a security threat).

After two horrible months claiming JSA, I decided to go freelance.

This financial year I made £5,000 more than my salary when I was sacked, doing something I enjoy, getting out of bed when I want, not having a commute and not having to play stupid office politics.

Tis lovely.
(iwrite4u, Mon 30 Mar 2015, 16:59, 8 replies)

We ordered new kitchen
Kitchen called "Solid Oak" but when it arrived clearly wasn't. I went back to the store and showed them my quotes that said solid oak only to be told that "Solid Oak" is just the name for the kitchen. I was asked "You wouldn't expect the white ivory kitchen to be actual ivory would you?" I told them that I would if it were called solid ivory, that solid oak was what we wanted and requested and to come and take the kitchen back as we didn't want it. I asked them how they could get away with it and was quite brazenly told that there was a disclaimer in the catalogue. After a couple of calls to Citizens Advice they buckled and offered to replace the side panels, doors, plinths etc with the solid oak at no extra cost. I asked if they would collect the old stuff and they replied that anything we don't unpack we can return for a refund. So I did. We ended up with a solid oak kitchen for half the price of a shitty laminate one.

TLDR: Solid Oak
( Peej, Mon 30 Mar 2015, 15:56, 15 replies)

Relatives
I successfully persuaded my wife recently to mistreat our nieces and nephews, so that I could announce on here that she's a cunt aunt.
(mallyjoe, Mon 30 Mar 2015, 12:50, 1 reply)

My house also came with double glazing. And a full range of high end kitchen appliances and a 70 inch plasma TV with surround sound.
And the people who owned it before were mental Germans so we regularly receive various bizarre magazines that they had subscribed to. Result!
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Mon 30 Mar 2015, 12:34, 8 replies)