Ahh... Britain...
The last bastion of freedom in the European superstate? Where it's perfectly legal to think that someone's a complete cunt. Even if calling them a complete cunt will get you arrested for "public disorder".

The only country in the civilised world where a burglar can sue you for tripping over and injuring themselves when they're ransacking your house.

The only country in the civilised world where you can get shot on the tube for being a Brazilian electrician.

The only country in the civilised world where an innocent news seller can be accidentally murdered by law enforcement.

This country sucks - but the problem is, what's the alternative?
(RabidRodent I'm the person your mother warned you about, Mon 7 Oct 2013, 13:20, 60 replies)

France

( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Mon 7 Oct 2013, 13:26, closed)

Beat me to it.

( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 7 Oct 2013, 15:15, closed)

he went to france, he had sex with some kid. but people called him a nonce. he didn't like it.

(AWESOMEB0T meddling prick, Mon 7 Oct 2013, 18:10, closed)

I like how you list a handful of 'unique' examples for which equivalents could be found in any developed nation on the planet.
You've certainly made a coherent and edgy point there. Yup. I bet you could even spell 'bastion' if you concentrated
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 7 Oct 2013, 13:34, closed)

I think the worst thing about this country is how you can be a copper-punching sex offender and get let off.
b3ta.com/questions/purefury/post2107021
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Mon 7 Oct 2013, 13:36, closed)

I do hope that Paul Dacre is reading.
This is BROKEN BRITAIN at its finest.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Mon 7 Oct 2013, 13:38, closed)

Oi, you!
You calling me a nonce?

Outside. NOW!
(RabidRodent I'm the person your mother warned you about, Mon 7 Oct 2013, 14:45, closed)

Fuck off, nonce.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 7 Oct 2013, 16:16, closed)

Fuck you, bitch.
I'll write a proper reply when I've finished fisting your mum with a leather glove covered in bull semen.
(RabidRodent I'm the person your mother warned you about, Mon 7 Oct 2013, 17:37, closed)

Bulls live to between 10 and 14 years of age.
NONCE!!!!!
(AWESOMEB0T meddling prick, Mon 7 Oct 2013, 17:52, closed)

Sorry. She doesn't do that sort of thing with nonces, nonce.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 7 Oct 2013, 19:03, closed)

Bad news
His mum's over 18.
(Eukanuba, Mon 7 Oct 2013, 21:56, closed)

That is an accepted slang term for one who fucks underagers, so, yes.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 9 Oct 2013, 10:56, closed)

Oi Badger, I'm talking to you!
You even think about laying a finger on my cousin (even though she's 17 now) and I'll peel your skin off like an onion. Then sprinkle with vinegar. Then remove your eyes with a blunt gimlet.

Then I'll pull your tongue out and remove it with a blunt knife.

And finally, I'll invert you, shove a funnel up your anus and pour boiling oil into it. [1]

[1] Which is what they did to one of the Henrys at Berkeley Castle, so history records.
(RabidRodent I'm the person your mother warned you about, Mon 7 Oct 2013, 14:57, closed)

Erm...don't you mean 18?
There's something not quite right here.*

"So, where's the sexual fantasy come into it? Only some kind of nonce could read a sexual fantasy into that situation.

So, research clearly indicates that 1. you can't recognise a joke when you see one (see earlier link) and 2. you're a fucking nonce who got a boner when I mentioned my 10-year-old cousin. Who, btw, is now 18"

^your comments from the noncepunch thread

*You're a nonce
(The Magic Number is neither magic nor a number, Mon 7 Oct 2013, 16:02, closed)

17. She's 18 in about 3 weeks. Close enough dammit.

And I'd still kill any fucker that laid a finger on her.
(RabidRodent I'm the person your mother warned you about, Mon 7 Oct 2013, 17:36, closed)

Don't do it, you have too much to live for!

(AWESOMEB0T meddling prick, Mon 7 Oct 2013, 17:57, closed)

I'm pretty sure 'close enough dammit' won't hold up in court, just so you know.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Mon 7 Oct 2013, 18:18, closed)

I doubt it.
I'm sure you'd be overcome with jealousy but you sound like a massive fucking damp melt. You'd probably just hide somewhere and sniffle into your cardigan sleeve. You nonce.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 7 Oct 2013, 19:36, closed)

Actually I'm an expert in martial arts...
I'm a black belt in origami.
(RabidRodent I'm the person your mother warned you about, Mon 7 Oct 2013, 20:12, closed)

No, I looked on wikipedia and bastian is is a German short form of Sebastian.
As a surname, Bastian may refer to:

Adolf Bastian, a 19th century anthropologist
Ali Bastian, an English television actress
Bruce Bastian, an American computer programmer and businessman
Fritz Bastian, an American tennis player
Gert Bastian, a German military officer and politician
Henry Charlton Bastian, an English physiologist and neurologist
Mary Bastian, a Tamil Human Rights activist
Michael Bastian, an American fashion designer
Noah Bastian, an actor

Clearly this is what he meant.
(AWESOMEB0T meddling prick, Mon 7 Oct 2013, 14:16, closed)

My spell link chequer is broken on Firefox...
and that's how they spelled the kid's name in The Neverending Story.
(RabidRodent I'm the person your mother warned you about, Mon 7 Oct 2013, 14:44, closed)

Can't you stop thinking about kids for one minute?

(Dr Doctor Can't you see I'm burning burning?, Wed 9 Oct 2013, 11:10, closed)

I'm recording this post on my phone, in my pocket.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 7 Oct 2013, 13:38, closed)

With your jap's eye

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Mon 7 Oct 2013, 13:40, closed)

Which burglar tripped up and sued someone?

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 7 Oct 2013, 13:47, closed)

The imaginary one, who was later arrested by the imaginary police force from his earlier post.

( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Mon 7 Oct 2013, 14:14, closed)

Check snopes.
It's nicely rubbished there along with other 'criminal sues' stories, like the woman who trips over her own kid successfully suing a shop, someone who fell out of a bathroom window getting away from a bill successfully suing a restaurant and the burglar slipping on a polished floor successfully suing. These have been sent applicable to every story, but none have any proof to back them up.
( Muns, Mon 7 Oct 2013, 16:31, closed)

And what's worse is, fucking under 16's isn't even legal.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Mon 7 Oct 2013, 13:48, closed)

Yeah but I heard there's a loophole that means you can get away with it if you punch a copper in the face.

(AWESOMEB0T meddling prick, Mon 7 Oct 2013, 14:02, closed)

It is in Portugal
and France, Spain, Hungary...

See, it says so on Wikipedia!
(RabidRodent I'm the person your mother warned you about, Mon 7 Oct 2013, 14:46, closed)

always the go-to guy when it comes to information of nonce-friendly jurisdictions

( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Mon 7 Oct 2013, 14:49, closed)

Isn't it subjective?

( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 7 Oct 2013, 15:24, closed)

You seem to have done a lot of research into this.
Nonce often, do we?
( Muns, Mon 7 Oct 2013, 15:14, closed)

I think we need INTERNETLAWYERMAN to shed some light on all of this.
You complete cunt
(AWESOMEB0T meddling prick, Mon 7 Oct 2013, 14:03, closed)

Also to your other points, I'm pretty sure the reason they shot him was not 'for being a Brazilian electrician' but more for acting suspiciously at a time of heightened terrorism awareness and then running from the police.
And innocent people get shot by cops around the world and it's usually called 'involuntary manslaughter' if it's an accident, not murder (I think, although again maybe INTERNETLAWYERMAN can help me out with that one).

You complete cunt
(AWESOMEB0T meddling prick, Mon 7 Oct 2013, 14:06, closed)

Dunno about sus...
The media spin on it was that he was shot for a. being brown and b. being in a slight hurry for the tube. Perhaps the fact that he wasn't galloping full speed to catch the tube was the sus bit.
(squigbobble existed, Mon 7 Oct 2013, 17:40, closed)

This is some of the most paranoid shite I've read this week
Congratulations, you massive flid.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Mon 7 Oct 2013, 14:07, closed)

The only country in the civilised world where 80,000 users can 'like' your story and it still doesn't get archived for all time as the qotw winner.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Mon 7 Oct 2013, 14:12, closed)

Now something weird just happened to the reply count.
MODS! STOP INTERFERING!!!
(AWESOMEB0T meddling prick, Mon 7 Oct 2013, 14:52, closed)

It's another one of the great 'features' of this site
If the original post is edited, the reply count goes wrong.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 7 Oct 2013, 14:57, closed)

MODS! INTERFERE TO FIX THIS IMMEDIATELY!!!

(AWESOMEB0T meddling prick, Mon 7 Oct 2013, 14:58, closed)

TO FIX THIS with a dog
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Mon 7 Oct 2013, 15:39, closed)

BREAKING NEWS!
A senior figure in the UK legal system today introduced the concept of "accidental murder", confining centuries of jurisprudence on malice aforethought, reasonable foreseeability and recklessness to the dustbin(1).


(1) See Capybara LJ in R v. Fuck-knuckle [1997] 1 WLR 427 et seq. on prosecutions brought under s. 18 of the Staying About Act 1985.
( .Yeti., Mon 7 Oct 2013, 14:15, closed)

section 5, paragraph 3, line 7, 9th word - the.
I rest my case.
( Ya What Skiddlyboop, Mon 7 Oct 2013, 16:50, closed)

Have you considered leaving the country?
Please?
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Mon 7 Oct 2013, 14:20, closed)

Looking at it
He's probably waiting to see if Spain raise the age of consent from thirteen before considering that.
( Muns, Mon 7 Oct 2013, 15:45, closed)

13's too low
for one thing most 13-year-olds haven't grown a decent set of tits yet.
(RabidRodent I'm the person your mother warned you about, Mon 7 Oct 2013, 17:42, closed)

Well you don't want to rule out
those that do though, eh?
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Mon 7 Oct 2013, 19:17, closed)

I hear Somalia's nice.
Off you go, then.
(hadr0n Craic whore, Mon 7 Oct 2013, 14:43, closed)

Actually, let's respond on a point by point basis.
1) It's a bit more complicated than this, but simply calling someone a cunt won't get you arrested.

2) They could sue you, but they'd never win. This bollocks has been doing the rounds for ages. You have no responsibility to trespassers, unless you do something deliberately designed to cause harm. Think Home Alone.

3) Someone put it much better than I did. If you're acting suspiciously and then decide to escape a police questioning by running during a heightened state of alert due to terrorism, then more fool you.

4) I sincerely doubt that it's exclusive to the UK, and the way you described it is just sensationalism at its best.

5) Because I know you wanted to write it but opted not to: - The age of consent is fine as it is and should not be lowered to match France. The fact that you have to go on weekend breaks to get your way is irrelevant and a bit creepy.

6) The alternative? According to your list, I can see four that would suit you down to the ground as long as you're willing to learn the lingo. Although the nonce-punch may not be a valid defence to criminal proceedings in those countries.
( Muns, Mon 7 Oct 2013, 16:28, closed)

Isn't being sweary and offensive in public an offense, then?

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Mon 7 Oct 2013, 16:38, closed)

It all depends how you go about it.
If you use a megaphone, shout it repeatedly or cause some other form of public nuisance, then it will be.

If you do it quietly to someone and if nothing else comes of it, then fine. If it leads to something else, such as a fight, then it would be affray, although you instigating it by calling someone a cunt would be frowned upon.
( Muns, Mon 7 Oct 2013, 16:46, closed)

Is Brutus v. Cozens still law?

( .Yeti., Mon 7 Oct 2013, 16:48, closed)

Fuck knows.
I only deal with civil litigation, and I deal with it quite badly at that. The only precedent I know and ever refer to is Arkell -v- Pressdram.
( Muns, Mon 7 Oct 2013, 16:52, closed)

Arkell v Pressdram is a landmark case.
The correspondence received in connection with it should be cited in every single courtroom, all the time.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Mon 7 Oct 2013, 19:50, closed)

For any fuckwits who don't know Arkell v Pressdram:
The nature of my reply is as follows: fuck off.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Recurring_in-jokes_in_Private_Eye
(RabidRodent I'm the person your mother warned you about, Mon 7 Oct 2013, 20:20, closed)

I don't think they shot him because he was a Brazilian Electrician.
I mean, that's some pretty selective racism...
Now if he was Peruvian, he'd have been alright
( Ya What Skiddlyboop, Mon 7 Oct 2013, 16:46, closed)

You missed one.
The one about being locked up for reading the wrong thing.
(squigbobble existed, Mon 7 Oct 2013, 17:42, closed)

I wrote this a few years back
It's more amusing than the OP.

www.thespoof.com/news/uk/12338/jesus-christ-shot-dead-by-anti-terrorism-police
(Eukanuba, Mon 7 Oct 2013, 21:59, closed)