I got handed this flyer, for an "art" show:

"In ELECTRODE, an anal electrode connected to a muscle sensor registers the activity of Ploeger's sphincter muscle. Ploeger will fake the orgasm of an anonymous subject who took part in an experiment into the nature of the male orgasm in 1980. He will attempt to replicate the subject's sphincter muscle contraction pattern, which was registered during masturbation and orgasm in the experiment. The muscle data is projected onto a screen in the form of graphs and used for electronic sound synthesis."

Well, I've heard of Art Wank, but that's a whole 'nother level!

"The show will be in fulfillment of the practical requirements of Ploeger's PhD research project at the University of Sussex."

Riiiiiigghhhhhht....

Doctor of what, precisely?
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 13:57, 2 replies)

Ignore 2.0

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 13:51, 1 reply)

Balls
I had to take my cat Norman to the vets at the weekend for his jabs. I walked into the surgery feeling hungover and wanting to get out of there as quickly as possible. After the vet had done his duties he picked up Norman to do his usual checks at which point he started laughing.

I asked the vet what had caused this chuckling and he exclaimed that my young feline companion has one white testicle and one black testicle.

The sight of Norman's multicolour scrotum kept me amused all day.
(CasuallyObscene, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 13:47, Reply)

Duck
I live near a canal. This week it froze over and I was treated to the sight of a duck trying to eat a bread roll. Every time it went to peck it the roll would go skidding off across the ice, at which point the duck would follow it, slipping and sliding with determination, picking up speed only to fall down. The best one was when the duck picked up a fair bit of pace only to go into a full-on nose (beak) slide, shooting right into the bread roll and sending it shooting away at high speed.

I now know what a duck swearing sounds like.
(Sivvus trolley collision in the fruit aisle led to a jam, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 13:36, 3 replies)

Hohohoho, it's those "black eyebrows and white hair"
Poor poor Max
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 13:29, Reply)

In which grandmasterfluffles has an amusing autocorrect disaster


This happened less than 24 hours ago. Mr Fluffles has already made several references to rodgering my sticky pudding since then. I will never hear the end of this...
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 13:24, 5 replies)

My kids, almost every day
And yes, I'll spare you the details since the same little things that make parents laugh will make everyone else fall asleep with boredom.

Bottom line, I can recommend having kids. They'll wear you out but they'll also crack you up. Or make you laugh out of insanity and sleep deprivation :-)
(spinoza, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 13:20, 7 replies)

A twat in a white Range Rover Vogue (the car of twats) getting their comeuppance
My car's shit. It's a blue Nissan Micra that's been on the telly and I have to drive it to work every morning through the usual bottlenecks and traffic jams. You take what you can get from your daily commute, so...

The other morning as I settled for my place in the queue waiting to join the A33, along came Range Rover Twat. Despite not having flashing blue lights on the top of his car, or any indication that he was carrying transplant organs, he attempted to nip to the front of the line by powering along the wrong side of the road. As you do, like a twat in a white Range Rover Vogue.

Imagine the hilarity, then, as he came up against White Van Man coming the other way. White Van Man had no intention of getting out of Range Rover Twat's precious way, making him reverse all the way the back of the queue and beyond, where he sat seething in a farm gateway, before buggering off in the opposite direction.

Those exhaust fumes that filled the air as he over-revved in fury: Smells like VICTORY.

Full 12-inch version with offers of beer money and sex HERE. I'm so lonely.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 13:17, 2 replies)

pictures of cats on the internet

(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 13:17, 1 reply)

del boy falling through the bar.

( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 13:10, 1 reply)

my evil plan

(roysin, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 13:09, 1 reply)

I fell off a sofa...
Which, I am led to believe, means you have to laugh.
( Ya What Skiddlyboop, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 13:08, Reply)

Oh yeah
and this: www.youtube.com/watch?v=LX30rK-lCOc
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 13:07, Reply)

Goth
Driving home last week I spotted one of those young goth chaps, grumpily walking down the street. He was sporting a full on Kiss Batface causeing me to point, laugh and hit the kerb.
(BiggestNizzy your company name here pm for rates., Thu 6 Dec 2012, 13:05, Reply)

this
www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/4682487/Woman-keeps-100-dead-cats-in-her-fridge.html
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 13:00, 1 reply)

I was standing in the carpark arguing with this guy from the car rental agency over whether we had to pay a cleaning fee, when a passing seagull shit on his head
I didn't see it until the missus behind me started laughing, but it was a fair blob of fishy mayonnaise. My two year old even joined in when she heard the rest of the family laughing. Ok, I know it's not the funniest anecdote in the world, but I'm easily pleased, me
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 12:59, 3 replies)

Checking some faults this morning which have been raised to our department
and I was working through a list to see if any of our customers we have attempted to reach already had called back. On checking one particularly aggressive bastard of a customer who had been heavily and needlessly abusive to our team we had an update on his account from another department, advising that he will not be continuing with his fault as unfortunately he had just died.

LOLS!
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 12:54, 2 replies)

Dead stop before applause....
A while ago now, but it still makes me smile when I think of it.
A few of us went to a gig at a small venue (holds around 1500 people I guess), I forget the band (might have been the Quierboys - could it really have been THAT long ago?), but it's not relevent.
You know some songs, when played live just simply come to a dead stop at the end of a song? Can hardly fade out I suppose.
Well, this was one of those songs, the song built up to a load crescendo and then just....bang. Dead stop.
Usually, there's the briefest of moments, while it sinks in to the alcohol addled brains that they need to start clapping...and this was one such occassion.
Instead of the clapping, however, a chap about 5 bodies away from me burped. Incredibly loudly.
The entire croud fell about laughing, as did the band. To their credit they thanked him personally for his 'applause' and then continued to the next song....that one DIDN'T end quite so abrubtly!
(dchurch bah, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 12:53, 3 replies)

Urban legend, I think not.
Working in IT support doesn't grant me a lot of laughs. Although occasionally, it's the only appropriate response. To wit, a call I took the other day about a user who kept on losing her email, every three weeks, without fail. Confused as to why this was happening, exploratory question revealed to me the cause of this. She was using the deleted items folder in Outlook to file her emails. I politely suggested she set up personal folders (.pst files) and showed her how to do this. She called back a week later, still losing her email. It turned out she'd sort of followed my suggestion, but not completely. She'd set up a bunch of folders, right enough. In the deleted items folder.
(The Luggage is haunted..., Thu 6 Dec 2012, 12:52, 3 replies)

a guy at work lost his hand in a cement mixer
can you imagine! he won't be getting that back.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 12:50, 1 reply)

Muff diving collapsing man
I'm on a train between Sheffield and I forget where, theres a man walking down the aisle and he gets thrown about as the train rattles round a bend, falling pole axe style straight into the lap of a large lady.

He sprung back up like lightning glancing anxiously around while everybody looking in his direction failed to contain their laughter.
( Locus213 Slightly to the left of Bakunin, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 12:48, Reply)

There's a company up the road that employs chinbeardponytails.
They all wear long black coats and clumpy boots whatever the weather. I followed a matching pair in the ice yesterday. One skidded and grabbed the coat of his twin. They both executed perfect icy, cape-flowing spins and ended in a face-to-face embrace each on one knee. It was beautiful, man. They even demonstrated a rudimentary sense of humour when I said "Ta daa!"
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 12:44, 11 replies)

Street evangelist
I saw a street evangelist do a proper slapstick comedy banana skin-type slip on a pile of dogshit yesterday.

Legs went way up in the air and he landed on his back in the dogshit which smeared nicely over his jacket.

Just gutted none got in his hair.
(magic the cat will someone please think of the kittens, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 12:25, Reply)

At the rugby the other week
Wales v. Australia in Cardiff, watching two teenage lads get themselves so drunk that even a Welsh rugby crowd thought they'd gone too far.

They were hammered when they turned up and got stuck into the beers. By half time, they could barely stand up but kept trying to when Wales did anything, which resulted in one of them falling over sideways like a felled tree and landing on the laps of the guys next to him. They took exception to this and he talked to them for a bit then got up and climbed over to an empty seat in the row behind.

This left him, unfortunately, sitting in front of a family with a little girl, and they duly complained when he bellowed 'The referee is a cunt' at the top of his voice. He was very apologetic and got up and turned around to shake the Dad's hand, at which point the pint he held in his left hand tipped forward and tumbled over the little girl, who started crying. his mate realised there was a bit of an exchange going on and tried to climb over the seats as well to join him on the row behind. By this time one of the stewards had come over to tell them to sit down and shut up or leave, but Oaf 2 was too hammered to realise that the steward was holding his coat from behind and was stood there, limbs moving, unable to work out why he wasn't able to climb over the seats.

After a protracted exchange with the stewards, they promised to sit down and shut up. As we left later, they were struggling to get out of the row as someone behind had discreetly tied the corners of the flags they were wearing around their necks together at the back, tethering them to one another like mountaineers. They couldn't work out what was going on.

Ah, the joys of youth.
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 12:25, 1 reply)

didn't make me laugh but maybe it will you...
Bought second hand Sky HD box to replace old white one.

after many calls to Sky and forum browsing it still displayed incorrect viewing card message.

It was only when the last guy mentioned a number on the underside of the box on the opposite side to the flap that a horrible realisation came to me.

I had my card in the interactive slot not the viewing slot.

And I call myself a tech guy.

Length; 40 mins or so if you include the system resets and updates
(Samantha Bricks Better half done a poo on, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 12:14, 3 replies)

I just spent half an hour coming up with a brilliant reply to the 'no self awareness' QOTW
only to post it mere seconds before the question ended. Laugh? I laughed so hard some wee squeaked out. Shat a little bit, too.
(Paolo Nutini's Bikini Better than Frederick Fleet's optometrist, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 12:14, Reply)

Everything makes me laugh!
Sometimes I just laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh!

Sometimes it seems like the only way I can stop laughing is to scream! At the top of my voice! Screaming! To stop the laughter! Hahahahahahahaha!

(John - I'm only dancing 'cos it turns me on!)

Hahahahaha!
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 12:13, 1 reply)

Second. Damn.

(Vigilante Man weeps because you're stupid., Thu 6 Dec 2012, 12:10, 1 reply)

First lol

( Pig Bodine., Thu 6 Dec 2012, 12:08, Reply)