Neville just wasn't concentrating;

"We, the German Führer and Chancellor, and the British Prime Minister, have had a further meeting today and are agreed in recognizing that the question of Anglo-German relations is of the first importance for our two countries and for Europe.

"We regard the agreement signed last night and the Anglo-German Naval Agreement as symbolic of the desire of our two peoples never to go to war with one another again."
(roysin, Fri 7 Oct 2005, 12:18, Reply)

Brin
'Cause she was abroad....

Fair question though...
(Bobo148, Fri 7 Oct 2005, 12:15, Reply)

Bobo148,
Why didn't she just use the mobile she'd receive the text message on?
(Wallilay has been bored of this shit since, Fri 7 Oct 2005, 12:11, Reply)

what's in a name.
when you're parents choose your name, you'd hope and assume that they'd pick a name that wouldn't actively encourage the bullying and embrassment of their offspring.

Not for me. My name's B J Snell.

B J Snell. Laugh it up.

How the hell can this happen?

Well, my mother clearly doesn't know what B J actually means since when she sends me mail it always says "Mr. B J Snell" in big letters, and she once said to me (no shit) these very words:
"B J. I like that. It sounds nice don't you think?"

Uh. Cheers, but no. You're my mother. Inappropriate.

My dad strikes me as considerably less innocent. So I'm just left to assume he didn't have the heart to tell the other meaning of that wonderful name she'd chosen for me. It's not something I feel I can ask him about directly, y'know.

I see the funny side now. Went a little red at that job interview yesterday tho. *sigh*.

Apologies for le
(17,000, Fri 7 Oct 2005, 12:10, Reply)

Brother
My brother insists on using the term "slut" as a derogatory term, for instance "that Jade Goody is a slut". I think he is confusing slut and slag, as I (and maybe some of you) am quite partial to a bit of sluttish behaviour from the laydeez.

That is all
(urgle-splurgle molesting small goats since, Fri 7 Oct 2005, 12:04, Reply)

Teabags
I was in my local supermarket the other day, basically having a sketchy moment, too much coffee not enough food. I was getting teabags and biscuits for the office, and looked up at the teabags and looked at the front of a 250 bag of tetley that said "deaf" in italics. I stood there and thought "teabags for deaf people....whatever next".......Decaf.....DOH!
(original_b_boy, Fri 7 Oct 2005, 11:56, Reply)

Accents
My wife was in the process of being made redundant and was hoping for gardening leave. I suggested she should act weird and/or offensive to try and pursuade her bosses to get her out asap. Because her office was moving to india I said she should go in to work and talk in her worst indian accent.

Baffled I was, as she replied "Yarr Man," in her best Bob Marley.

Worst indian, not West Indian ffs
(Boney N left a cake out in the rain, Fri 7 Oct 2005, 11:56, Reply)

Flashes of Fire at Breakfast
This morning, I went to make a sandwich, and found that the butter (wrapped in silver paper) had all the spreadability of a lump of granite. Since I had to leave the house in 10 minutes, I couldn’t just leave it to soften in the air. So I stuck it in the microwave for 10 seconds on full blast to accelerate its softening.
Got on with making coffee, PING, microwave finished. Checked butter – butter still rock-hard – and put it in for 20 more seconds. After five seconds, the microwave started flashing and buzzing in a disconcerting way. Rushed over to the microwave. Saw white flashes inside. Opened the door. Found that the silver paper that the butter was wrapped in was on fire. Panicked. Quickly blew out the flames, before any damage could be done. Took slightly warmer block of butter out of the microwave, and found that a small amount had melted enough to be spreadable on bread without tearing the bread to bits. Get in! Wiped up the burnt bits, made sandwiches, ate sandwiches, went to lectures happy, made a note-to-self not to put silver paper in the microwave.
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Fri 7 Oct 2005, 11:55, Reply)

Worst fare ever apparently

Its incredible how much 'Camden Town' can sound like 'Canning Town' to an illegal taxi driver at 4 in the morning and how uncomfortable the silence can be, on the journey to Camden, after discovering this hilarious coincidence.
(cakemaster, Fri 7 Oct 2005, 11:48, Reply)

Text Message Joke
Remember that text joke going around a while ago "I'm stuck in London, can you ring this number and ask for Liz", only to get through to Buck Palace.

Well an Aussie mate of mine sent it to his mother while he was living in Ireland. Little did he know that she was in NZ on hols, and thought he was in trouble. She turned around and drove 3 hours to the nearest phone to dig him out.

Needless to say he was not popular...
(Bobo148, Fri 7 Oct 2005, 11:46, Reply)

Foreigners inspire panic
Garbled message on the phone from crazy belgian who at the time was rather lacking in English:

"Rosi... car... smash. Emma bag stolen... gun... head!"

Cue me and friends at a party panicking that said friends had been robbed at gunpoint after a car crash. When they all turned up half an hour later, it emerged that what had actually happened was that someone had smashed Rosi's car window and stolen Emma's bag, which contained the expensive "hair gun" (used for putting in extensions).

No car crash. No gunpoint holdup. No reason for the utter distress of a roomful of people. Jesus!
( wangmaster2000, Fri 7 Oct 2005, 11:42, Reply)

Crazy woman
Whilst in london on a short trip me and my friends woke up early and decided a mcdonalds breakfast would be a good idea

So we get there, all the employees are foreign (im not being racist - they just were)

Got to the counter, asked my food. Despite it looking like she didnt understand i actually got what i ordered (quite rare in any mc d's)

Realised i had no straw for my drink and couldnt find them anywhere, so i hop back to the front of the {now massive} cue and say

Me: Where are the straws?

Foreign lady: You want poo?

me: (laughing) the straws

Foreign lady: You want poo?

Thankfully someone who did understand me gave me a straw, at the same time as the foreign lady directing me to the toilets of that particular establishment?!

Still baffles me now
(bustedcheeseboy, Fri 7 Oct 2005, 11:35, Reply)

I pride myself on learning the local lingo....
...whereever I go. I lived in Germany for a year and spoke the lingo quite well, live in Holland now and get by pretty well, and also speak smatterings of French, Danish, Norwegian and some Spanish, Japanese and Finnish at a push.

A few years back on a trip to Norway we had stopped at the ferry point on the northern tip of Denmark, and though it was 10am me and my mate were still on the sauce, so the only place open we could find was a truckers cafe where my mate order up two rather low alcohol Tuborgs.

After they were supped I told him I would go get them in as speaking some of the local lingo like I did I could secure us some proper ale. So Up I go to the counter and in my not very good Danish say "Hej.Tu Øl, vær sa venlig". The woman reaches for the two gnats pee-esque Tuborgs from before and I shot "Nej!" and start gesticulating at the dingy brown bottles of Tuborg next to them. Bemused, the woman serves me and I return to my chum pleased at punch at my language skills.

My mate takes a swig as I look on expecting a joy, and he does reply how refreshing this Tuborg is. My problem was I didn't realise they made fucking lemonade as well.
(Waynster James Joyce is fucking my sister!, Fri 7 Oct 2005, 11:35, Reply)

Mother swearing problem
For some reason from when I was about 13 to about 16 my mother got into the habit of calling people silly 'Twats'. At the petrol station, 'you silly twat'; to my elderly uncle'you silly twat'. You get the idea.

Thing was the way she said it was if there was nothing wrong, and I thought it was hilarious as I got the impression that she'd didnt understand what it really meant.

I was right.

One day after spending the day shopping, and her coming out with it several times I asked her did she actually know what it twat means?

She thought it was the same as calling someone a twit. When I pointed out that it actually refers to a ladys unmentionables she took on a rather pained expression and was subdubed for the rest of the day.

Instead of just keeping quiet about it though, the next time she met people she'd been calling twats for the past couple of years she proceeded to apologise to them for calling them twats, when she actually ment twits and promised not to call them twats again. This was just as shocking as she'd collar people when they were with their kids, family ETC.

Misunderstood? Shes a bloody menace.
(If it could happen to me like that i'd shit my pants, Fri 7 Oct 2005, 11:28, Reply)

I thought the loved me.....
My first day working in Switzerland, my first name is Morgan. I walked into my office building and next thing everyone is saying 'Guten Morgen' or just 'Morgen' with a slight nod of the head.
I thought to myself, that is so cool. Someone must have sent an email around explaining that I was a new guy who'd joined who was foreign and didn't speak any Swiss German. Please make him feel welcome etc.
Started to get suspicious when this was still happening on my 3rd morning. Then someone explained it meant 'Good Morning' or just 'morning'.
Looks like my initial impression that the Swiss were a right stand offish bunch of c*nts was spot on after all!
PS: TIP: If you're at a meeting in Switzerland with Swiss people and a Swiss person is late arriving and someone asks ' I wonder what's keeping him?'. Do not answer 'He's probably polishing the jewish gold'. In my experience, a genuine tumbleweed moment.
( sneep used to date Freddie Starr's hamster, Fri 7 Oct 2005, 11:17, Reply)

recipe of life
Not me but my dear old mum, whilst wondering past somebodys desk at work she commented "I didnt know you were pregnant, is it a girl or a boy" while pointing at the desk, despite several baffled looks she wanders over to the pc to pick up the ultrasound scan picture, the jopyous picture of new life turns out to be a worn photocopy of a sausage casserole recipe.

To be fair she does wear contact lenses and glasses, but ffs a sauasage casserole recipe!
(chrismo, Fri 7 Oct 2005, 11:09, Reply)

When I was a kid..
.. my parents asked if I'd like a recorder for my birthday.. YES ! I replied thinking that I could tape and play music like the older kits..

oh was I not glad to see this flute like device appear on my birthday !
( Signify, Fri 7 Oct 2005, 11:09, Reply)

when i was a kid the family was sat having dinner one night
when my younger sister, aged 12, suddenly announced "I'm pregnant." There was a shocked pause and me and my Mum and Dad simultaneously exclaimed "you're pregnant??!?" to which my nonplussed sister replied "no, I said 'pass the ketchup'."

I don't know how we all misheard her so completely. But all three of us did.
( brianftang www.brianftang.co.uk, Fri 7 Oct 2005, 11:08, Reply)

Rant Mode On
I am often left bemused by people who use words incorrectly. One particularly leaves me flabbergasted and “gets my goat”.

“I’ve got the pacific one that you told me about”

Pacific = The Pacific Ocean
Pecific = No such Word
Specific = Fully and clearly expressed, leaving nothing implied. Explicitly set forth and definite.

Rant Mode Off
(Bertie Dastard Wax on, wax off, Fri 7 Oct 2005, 11:07, Reply)

My girlfriend doesn't understand me...
Maybe that's because I'm a mumbling, stuttering arse who's always staring at the ground (looking for money or fewmets, I'm not sure, I confuse easily, what was the question again?)

How do you spot an extroverted software engineer?

When he's talking to you, he stares at *your* shoes...
(Wascally Weasel now with 100% fewer jokes., Fri 7 Oct 2005, 11:00, Reply)

In a nightclub once,
I approached a rather stunning girl and asked her for a blow job.
Instead I got the shit kicked out of me by her boyfriend.

I am absolutley certain I made myself clear with my initial request; I definitley asked her for 'a blow job' and not 'please can you ask your boyfriend to stamp on my face.'


The mind boggles, it really does.
(nappy rash, Fri 7 Oct 2005, 10:55, Reply)

I managed to break some cutlery once
and had to go and get bits replaced. Only problem was, when I asked for new fork handles...

he seemed to think I was living in the stone age, and got me four candles.

Twunt.

RIP Ronnie B!
(The Wigmeister, Fri 7 Oct 2005, 10:50, Reply)

I got chilli on my cock


Oh, wait, I misunderstood the question.
( Bob Todd whee, Fri 7 Oct 2005, 10:45, Reply)

Language problems
We were on a trip to Austria in the small town of Hallstatt where they have a church with the skulls of long-dead villagers piled up in a room, since the graveyard is full. I told my 8 year old daughter about this and was intrigued; she can speak German fluently (she's grown up there) and English very well but she doesn't know the English word for everything.

Cue daughter later in the day asking when we were going to see "the boneheads."

Was quite cute really.
(Skipthewhip, Fri 7 Oct 2005, 10:27, Reply)

I was asked if I could perform a small part of the service at my Nan's funeral, but I was a bit hungover.
*censored for all manner of legal and ethical reasons*

...it was at this point in the proceedings that the Vicar burst in, red-faced and spluttering, and croaked "m...m-my God...I thought you said organist...!"

*cough*
( grey kid is breakdancing to save a community centre, Fri 7 Oct 2005, 10:14, Reply)

Sunday Warship
OK, so it wasn't me, it was my cousin. And he wasn't misundertsood, he was doing the misunderstanding, but hey ho.

Many, many moons ago, my cousin jumped from his bed early Sunday morning so he could run downstairs and get to the tv before the programme about the warships started. Convinced it would contain great big ships, exciting battles and other things little children enjoy to watch, he got comfortable and turned on the television. Imagine his disappointment when Sunday Warship turned out to be Sunday Worship and he was confronted with old folk singing hymns.
(tallulah kittiwake, Fri 7 Oct 2005, 10:04, Reply)

Japanese
These two Japanese phrases could quickly get you in the shit.

I don't like it -- Kirai desu
It's beautiful -- Kirei desu

I really hope I remember them by next month.
( Terry Oblong There's nobody here but us chickens on, Fri 7 Oct 2005, 10:02, Reply)

Lost in translation
I live in the Netherlands, and although I speak reasonable Dutch, some of the local idioms leave me a little confused.

An example: My cat died and I'm all sad. I told my friends about it, who put her arms around me and said "What a pity, peanut butter".

I let it slide, until the same thing happened later in the day with another collegue. And then again...

Finally, I admit I'm confused and ask a mate why everyone keeps offering me peanut butter when I tell them my cats died.

Turns out the Dutch words for Peanut Butter (Pindakaas) and "Oooh, that's a shame" (Helaas) rhyme in Dutch, but just sound utterly stupid in English.
(Chumphry, Fri 7 Oct 2005, 9:53, Reply)

Oh dear.
My ex wife was looking through a medical book about pregnancy while she was carrying my daughter. She kept looking at the list of words in the index and whincing and cringing at their meaning. Suddenly she said,"Ewww what in God's name is a meanous?". It sounded awful so I had to take a look. I looked up the page number, turned to her and sympathetically replied, "You stupid fat ugly cunt, that's MENUS"
Fuck-a-duck! Are pregnant women thick or what!"
( Captn Hood-Butter is not dead yet., Fri 7 Oct 2005, 9:53, Reply)

A not E
Schoolfriend of mine once gave a talk to an economics class littered with references to "the effluent society". (He meant one with lots of cash, not lots of sewage.)
( calgacus Non sum qualis eram bonae sub regno Cynarae, Fri 7 Oct 2005, 9:47, Reply)