Why are parents incapable of understanding that...
...no-one gives a shit?

Not even other parents; they're just pretending to give a shit, so when it's their turn to bollock on about their own kids, the other parents will also pretend to give a shit.

All the parents involved secretly think that their kids are the best at everything, and that everyone elses kids are ugly little shits that should fuck off... and they're all half correct.

Fact is, squeezing out another useless human is really easy to do... the only thing you need is 9 months, and a blasé attitude to contraception. Anyone who thinks they're special for having a kid, needs to understand that they are genetically programmed to do exactly that regardless of the wisdom of doing so; so, congratulations for following a deterministic behaviour pattern, programmed into you before birth, but please remember that you've removed yourself from the pool of interesting humans, and you are now, by choice, in the mundane category of "parent of your own tedious little moment of joy".
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Tue 28 Jan 2014, 12:35, 55 replies)

Why do you and the other puppies have such an obsession with this?
For every post someone makes about their kids, you cretins post 10 'nobody likes your kids' replies, or in your case, a whole new thread.

We get it. You don't care about our kids.

But get this - nobody give a fuck what you think either. Sorry you're infertile and have never had sex, but don't crap the board up with this please. It's highly unoriginal, and very tedious.

Thanks.
(username failed moderation, Tue 28 Jan 2014, 12:43, closed)

You complete and utter parent.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 28 Jan 2014, 12:46, closed)

Well, the difference is that the stories without kids are actually interesting.
Every story about kids is just "I love my kids... they're really cute".

Well, that's fine, but it's a fucking truism. We know you love your kids. If you didn't, THAT would be unusual... and, in fact, WAY more interesting... so tell us a story about your son who you hate, who is a little retard, and who you really hope falls down the stairwell at school and dies? At the very least it'll gather more clicks than the current dross the parent squad have been spamming out.

Why must someone without kids be infertile, or celibate? That's the usual retarded response from people with kids, who assume that anyone without must have failed to have them, despite trying. Anyway, I don't claim my post not to be tedious and shit... it clearly wasn't intended to entertain, or inform people, or bring a warm glow to anyone's heart, unlike all the parenting stories that that attempt to (but wildly miss the mark).

Maybe we should have a new question: "Do you have kids? Do you think anyone else gives a shit? Post your tedious stories about your kids now, to get that boring shit out of the way."
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Tue 28 Jan 2014, 12:52, closed)

I take it stories about grandkids are exempt.
We didn't do anything disgusting to get them and we can hate the little fuckers if we want to.
We don't though because they're brilliant, every single one of them.

(Yours may not be).
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Tue 28 Jan 2014, 13:09, closed)

OK. So they're brilliant.
Why are all the stories about them so shit then? Am I to conclude that whilst the kids are actually awesome, their parents are total dweebs?
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Tue 28 Jan 2014, 13:23, closed)

To be fair the only adults you've met have been on here.

( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Tue 28 Jan 2014, 13:38, closed)

tl;dr

(username failed moderation, Tue 28 Jan 2014, 13:10, closed)

Thought as much.
You did your best, I guess.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Tue 28 Jan 2014, 13:20, closed)

Christ you're thick and dull.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 28 Jan 2014, 13:26, closed)

lol bitter virgin
/ac
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 28 Jan 2014, 12:46, closed)

Lol.
But I know you really agree with me.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Tue 28 Jan 2014, 12:54, closed)

lol but I've done a sex in another human being

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 28 Jan 2014, 13:09, closed)

Working your way up to a live one.

( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Tue 28 Jan 2014, 13:10, closed)

I'm working my way through this dead one.
I'm just up to a runny bit that probably used to be the liver.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 28 Jan 2014, 13:20, closed)

I know you're trying to bait me into an indignant response,
where I desperately try to save face and attempt to convince a hostile forum that I've put my willy in someone.

So instead I shall point out that I put my willy in your mum repeatedly, and both of us hate you.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Tue 28 Jan 2014, 13:18, closed)

lol she's dead

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 28 Jan 2014, 13:19, closed)

Thats what attracted him

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Tue 28 Jan 2014, 13:21, closed)

I was mainly attracted to the idea of being Shambo's Dad.
That really turned me on.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Tue 28 Jan 2014, 13:27, closed)

You do realise Shambo's only seven.
Paedo!
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Tue 28 Jan 2014, 13:42, closed)

Were you genetically programmed to blather inanities?
or was it something you've had to develop independently?
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Tue 28 Jan 2014, 12:49, closed)

Are you saying it's inane
to point out the cognitive bias at the heart of every parents delusional world view?

Or are you recycling the use of a word that you don't understand correctly, because you heard it used in an insult once and would like to appear eloquent when attempting to engage in argument with someone of vastly greater intelligence and education than you?

To you, what isn't inane, exactly, so that we can get a handle on where you draw the line.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Tue 28 Jan 2014, 13:31, closed)

Not inane, but
fucking obvious.

So, obvious, has been said a million times before on this board, adds up to boring.

Were you actually planning on saying anything original at all this week?
(username failed moderation, Tue 28 Jan 2014, 14:38, closed)

Oh... originality. What a heap of bullshit that is.
Do you realise that every single one of the the greatest artists we've ever had on this planet were inspired by people who came before them?

I'm not comparing myself to them, I'm just pointing out that if your entire argument is that "only truly original things are interesting and valid" then we might as well just shut down b3ta and commit suicide.

There is no such thing as originality, and if you think you're being original that simply means you are ignorant of the person who said what you said, but better.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Tue 28 Jan 2014, 14:48, closed)

No need to get upset.
AB will put you in his list if you don't calm down.
(username failed moderation, Tue 28 Jan 2014, 15:16, closed)

You read it, imagining an upset angry voice.
Re-read it, but this time in an incredulous voice, tinged with mild contempt.

Also, I note that you've resorted to "tl;dr" and "upset on the internet" so far in this thread... and (bizarrely) you appear to have attempted to threaten me with someone else's opinion...

I can only conclude that you're really really thick.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Tue 28 Jan 2014, 15:19, closed)

That sounds really pompous.
At least what you write is sometimes funny, in a laughing at you kind of way.

Really, don't take it so seriously. Getting upset is just a waste of time. Go for a walk or something.
(username failed moderation, Tue 28 Jan 2014, 15:25, closed)

Pompous, I'll accept.
I am pretty fucking pompous, fair enough.

But seriously... not upset... just confused why someone would bemoan originality on this website of all places... where memes are constantly rehashed, and nothing is ever remotely original.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Tue 28 Jan 2014, 15:27, closed)

a cat an entire message board
(username failed moderation, Tue 28 Jan 2014, 15:30, closed)

Shame you can't man up and admit
how terribly fucking thick you are.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Tue 28 Jan 2014, 15:31, closed)

you dropped a question mark
you facile idiot.
( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Tue 28 Jan 2014, 17:51, closed)

synonyms of inane:
silly, foolish, stupid, fatuous, idiotic, absurd, ridiculous, ludicrous, laughable, risible, imbecilic, moronic, cretinous, unintelligent, witless, asinine, pointless, senseless, frivolous, nonsensical, brainless, mindless, thoughtless, vacuous, vapid, empty-headed

I could've really take my pick here and it would have been just as apt. your rebuttal has only confirmed it. The cheese sandwich I'm currently eating shows greater insight than you. But since you seem to have hard time processing inane, how about if I just refer to you as an asinine, fatuous, insipid blowhard with a fourth form grasp of human relationships and opinions to match?
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Wed 29 Jan 2014, 12:06, closed)

You are currently at the very bottom of the argument pyramid.
So, despite the breadth of your vocabulary (and your ability to visit thesaurus.com), you're simply the worst kind of arguer there is.

Sucks to be you.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Wed 29 Jan 2014, 13:48, closed)

Can't you do better than that?
I'll tell you what, I'll give you another go just to be sporting. Remember to use your words.
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Wed 29 Jan 2014, 14:03, closed)

You've just made yourself appear very foolish.
If you manage to elevate yourself beyond responding to tone, I might bother to actually reply to you again, otherwise you can hoot your trap off.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Wed 29 Jan 2014, 14:21, closed)

luckily I'm a man with a lot of time on his hands. let me deconstruct what you consider an argument
"the difference is that the stories without kids are actually interesting." - this is a facile statement more indicative of your own twisted preferences (and i really don't want to know anything about your neuroses)than an analysis of storytelling quality

"Not even other parents; they're just pretending to give a shit" - this supposition only reveals to me that you either know little about being a parent (as you tend to become more interested in kids in general when you have kids, and better at relating to them), or you are anecdotally basing it on your small and obviously damaged social circle, or again this is just you projecting your child-hatred onto other people that your don't really understand

"All the parents involved secretly think that their kids are the best at everything, and that everyone elses kids are ugly little shits" -
It's true that the majority of parents OPENLY love their own children, and this love and attention is rewarded in the child's development and a lifetime's social bond, but this doesn't translate into hating other children as you do.

"Fact is, squeezing out another useless human is really easy to do ... the only thing you need is 9 months" - no, it isn't. conceiving, pregancy, and managing your lives up to and after the birth is one of the more difficult things you will undertake, and that's if everything goes without problems. fertility treatment, eclampsia, gestational diabetes, sciatica, managing your stalled career, testing for downs syndrome, new rooms and furniture. Your statement shows a juvenile understanding of a common yet very difficult adult experience.

"understand that they are genetically programmed to do exactly that" - no biologist would make a statement using language like this. We are complex animals with complex behaviours and social rituals who interact and respond to the environment, not a fucking java program with a printout. Statements like this are common in people with a passing yet inadequate understanding of evolutionary theory who think evolution is some goal orientated process rather than an emergent statistical phenomena. The fact that more woman than not are going childless demonstrates how wrong your supposition is.

"you've removed yourself from the pool of interesting humans, and you are now, by choice, in the mundane category of "parent of your own tedious little moment of joy". - the only thing that we've really established here is that you have a lot of poorly thought out opinions coupled with a disturbing hatred of parenthood. your inconsequential arguments seem like that of an overgrown child who rather than experiencing life and maturing, has let his repressed jealousy fester in impotent undeveloped rage.
I feel "blathering inanities" was all too accurate
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Thu 30 Jan 2014, 11:37, closed)

So... (paragraph by paragraph)
1)...being disinterested in someone elses children is a "twisted preference"? How odd of you to think that.

2)..fair enough... I guess there are a lot of people with high tolerance for boredom, who are genuinely interested in other peoples kids stories. Pity the end result is a shed load of dull stories on qotw. I don't hate kids, btw... I've never said anything of the sort... I find parents pretty fucking tedious however, and I have no particular respect for people who adds to the overpopulation of this planet, then imagine that their little one is special and that they are deserving of some kind of special status because of it (which is a most parents, especially the ones that mention their kids a propos of nothing).

3) Again, you've assumed I hate children. No - I hate the parents who behave as if their average child is some kind of amazing thing, when it isn't. It's simply a normal child. Quite a lot of the problems in society today are caused by kids with such parents, who have no grown up to believe that they are somehow better than everyone else (when in fact they often under skilled and under educated, yet hugely entitled). The kinds of parents that go on and on about their kids, are the kind of parents that ruin their kids in this way.

4) Certainly, raising a kid WELL is difficult. Most people cannot do it. So, those that do manage to do it are deserving of at least some respect. But that respect is contingent on them actually doing it properly. Simply spawning a child is NOT difficult (and don't pretend it is).

5) Sure, I simplified, and sure, behaviour is not 100% deterministic based on evolved traits. But let us be fair, evolution through natural selection is entirely dependent on reproduction. Any gene which encourages procreation will have a strong positive selection applied, and any gene which discourages procreation will have strong negative selection pressure applied. It is absurd to try to suggest that the instinct to procreate is not an incredibly strong force that shapes the majority of human behaviour, just because some people are capable of overriding it... because most people are not capable.

6) Again you have fallen back on conjecture, casting baseless aspersion, without saying anything other than reiteration of your earlier opinions.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Thu 30 Jan 2014, 14:56, closed)

Having the baby is the 'easy' bit
It's the next 18 odd years is the killer.
You are kinda boring with this rant, though.
(SpangoTheWonderBadger is brewing beer, Tue 28 Jan 2014, 13:15, closed)

It wasn't meant to be interesting.
I'm just attempting (probably fruitlessly) to stem the tide of boring kids stories, which get posted regardless of the QOTW topic.

Seriously - anyone who disagrees with me, I challenge you to find a kids-related story on this topic that wasn't utterly dull. Go on... have a go, and be honest... link one that is amusing, or interesting in any way, and I shall relent and agree that I've been completely unreasonable.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Tue 28 Jan 2014, 13:27, closed)

Although its not this qotw, its kinda kid related.. ish.

jelly.b3ta.com/questions/darwin/post367250
(Freakmandu, Tue 28 Jan 2014, 13:42, closed)

OK, so that story is excellent.
But importantly:

1) it's not actually about kids... the child is mentioned once in passing, with no adjectives in the way.

2) someone other than the parent is telling the story, so it keeps all the funny bits, and doesn't get sidetracked by some discussion of the posters feelings towards said child.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Tue 28 Jan 2014, 13:48, closed)

I tried :\
(Freakmandu, Tue 28 Jan 2014, 13:54, closed)

You do realise that this bias towards children by parents is genetic
and is essential for our survival?
The fact that as a non parent, you can't see this, is proof.
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Tue 28 Jan 2014, 13:47, closed)

Yes I know it's genetic.
And I'm all for parents loving and caring for their children to the best of their ability.

I'd just rather they understood that it's not special, it's not funny, it's not interesting, billions of other people do it (most without going on about it), and crucially it is not an appropriate answer to every single QOTW.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Tue 28 Jan 2014, 13:51, closed)

I think you're right and you're a beautiful person.
We're all proud of you Son.
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Tue 28 Jan 2014, 14:30, closed)

I get the point that you are not interested in children, that's fine.
But it's not really about kids, it's about subject matter.
I'm not interested in many things such as mountain biking, hip hop music, juggling flaming hamsters whilst dressed in a tutu, just to name a few.
But I'm not going to get the burning cross out and rant to high heaven that QOTW this week is full of juggling flaming hamsters stories.
If you don't like it, move on, else you're in danger of sounding like a child yourself.
If you've got a story to bring to the table, all well and good, but there's been a culture on this site of hamming people down when at least they've got something to say.
Bring back Spankeyhankey, Legless and the rest of them I say, they may have been full of bullshit but at least they could spin a good yarn.
(SpangoTheWonderBadger is brewing beer, Tue 28 Jan 2014, 14:47, closed)

I quite agree... those guys could tell a story (regardless of it being obvious lies).
I also agree it's about subject matter: if someone posts a story about football, a subject I find very dull, I wouldn't post a rant about how boring it is, because it is easy to conceive of some 3rd party (whose hobbies include football) finding the story interesting.

But "other peoples kids" is not a valid hobby/interest for 3rd parties to have... in fact, it's totally weird and unsettling if you are particularly interested in such things. It is not, therefore, appropriate to expect other people to wish to read such stories.

Also, you think anyone on b3ta is worried about sounding like a child? That's like jumping into a swimming pool and worrying about getting damp.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Tue 28 Jan 2014, 14:55, closed)

I disagree, whether you have kids is irrelevant, they could be of interest.
You're spot on with your last point though!
(SpangoTheWonderBadger is brewing beer, Tue 28 Jan 2014, 15:09, closed)

Which is irrelevant.
The question is not about peoples kids, it's about moments of joy.

You've projected it into what you're ranting about. It was never what you are arguing it shouldn't be.

People with kids have moments of joy with their kids. They're answering the question.
(username failed moderation, Tue 28 Jan 2014, 15:29, closed)

I never said they weren't answering the question.
I said they were fucking boring answers to the question.

Anyway, I'm bored with your inability to add anything challenging to this thread, and I have shit to do, so I'll just settle for calling you an terribly tedious, todger-titted, toss-testicle, and then go about my day.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Tue 28 Jan 2014, 15:32, closed)

Oh good grief...

(SpangoTheWonderBadger is brewing beer, Wed 29 Jan 2014, 10:44, closed)

I'd thought that jaffas were juicy,
not bitter.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 28 Jan 2014, 13:28, closed)

I hope your mum and dad are members here.
And then they could post a story about how their child is a pompous prick, thus disproving your theory.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 28 Jan 2014, 15:35, closed)

Your hypothesis, while interesting, is false.
My theory is intact.

Pompous prick? Fair enough.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Tue 28 Jan 2014, 15:36, closed)

yawn

( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Tue 28 Jan 2014, 23:37, closed)

Have you ever managed anything non-shit?
At least shambo, brayndedd etc are actually funny.. you're just rubbish.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Wed 29 Jan 2014, 13:57, closed)