I won a pound on a scratchcard.
I used it to get another scratchcard and didn't win anything.

Basically I won a refund and then lost a pound.
(Thor McLegend FUCK SHITPANTS PAC MAN, Tue 28 Jan 2014, 18:50, 4 replies)

'Fail' videos on YouTube
Don't get me wrong; in order to find something good, you first have to wade through a vast tide of shit. A poonami, if you will. (bindun, surely)
Most of them fall into the following categories:

- 'oops i failed at doing a simple thing' - Yes you did. Not funny though.
- 'oops my dumb idea didn't pan out' - No it didn't. See above.
- 'HOLY SHIT I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE DIE' - self explanatory

The ones I crave a beautiful moments of sheer happenstance and simple elegance. Actions that were dumb to begin with, but turned into something greater than hopes and dreams dared to tread.

Some examples include:

- Two men face each other with linked hands, as if to catch someone falling. Man 3 then conveniently falls onto their linked hands, dragging them down and making them headbutt each other.

- A remote-control buggy is being drive around a skate park with a bowl; like a hole, but with rounded sides you can skate up and down on. The car zooms up the side, hops off the edge and hits a kid square in the man package.

- A man launches a 4-foot wide glider in a country field. The plane leaves his hand, soars up into the air... does a complete 180 and disintegrates against a gate, a mere 4 feet from where it was launched. The whole ordeal lasts about 3 seconds, not including the pilot's dumbstruck silent stare.

Of course, these things have to be seen rather than described. Is it worth watching hours of people falling through roofs or laughing because they didn't expect to slip on a platform of solid cunting ice?

Yes, it is. In fact, I would argue that the effort makes the reward all the sweeter.
(Rollerbone The sauciest opossum, Tue 28 Jan 2014, 17:22, 8 replies)

Popping bubblewrap.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 28 Jan 2014, 16:36, 4 replies)

Warning! May contain children! Warning!
Roasted peas.

Background:
The wife and I decided some years ago that we didn't want to do the baby thing but still wanted a family, so we decided to adopt. The whole process is a bit of a nightmare is actively designed to put you off (men are considered kiddie-fiddlers until they can prove otherwise) and it can take some time.
So after 18 months of Interesting Times we get to meet the two boys (Bert & Ernie, ages 5 and 3) and they move in, it sounds simple but trust me it is not. That was a year ago and it's been interesting... We always knew it would be as adoptive kids usually come bundled with a whole heap of software problems.

One of weird things about adopting is that you don't really know much about the kids before they come to you, no idea about what they've done, no clue about their favourite films etc. So it can be a bit of a muddle as you work out what works and what doesn't. You sometimes assume things about their experiences and now and again you get caught out, for instance when my wife and I took them to a fireworks night. Bert the eldest thought it was the best thing in the world, he'd never seen fireworks before. At the time he was 5 years old.
5 years old and had never seen fireworks, FFS.

Okay, onto the daft bit.
The Main Story:
So we went to Bristol recently, parked the car in a multi-story, down the stairs, look around, food, look at boats, had a nice day etc.
Time to go back to the car.
Get in lift, off we go, then get out. And Ernie (the youngest) stops.
Me: What's up, kiddo?
Ernie: ..... (looking around)
It's different.
Me: Eh?
Ernie: It's different Dad! It's magic!!! (lot's of smiling)
Me to the wife: Eh?
Wife: He's never been in a lift before...
Me: Ohhhhh....

The little fella now thinks lifts are the best, bless him.
Note. This story is from a few years ago and he now doesn't think lifts are magical but he does take every opportunity to go in one.
(SpangoTheWonderBadger is brewing beer, Tue 28 Jan 2014, 16:32, 13 replies)

I can still orgasm 5 times in 24 hours. At my age.

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Tue 28 Jan 2014, 16:10, 13 replies)

SOCKS
I maintain that there is no better non-sexual feeling than coming in from the cold and wet, discarding your besodden articles and slipping on a pair of clean, dry socks - it's just fucking marvellous.

Thank fuck I discovered masturbation, otherwise I'd just be doing that all day long instead I mean no I don't masturbate all day...
(Rollerbone The sauciest opossum, Tue 28 Jan 2014, 15:34, 7 replies)

ASOS have nicked Sheep's Cat anim on their social media
original pic here:
b3ta.com/board/11045133

some of the comments are fucking golden:
Brandon Patrick 6:11 AM
Sooo.. does anyone else see the greenscreen-ish effect that shouts out fake?

Christina Andersen 6:30 AM
+Brandon Patrick yeah.........also the cat's face looks plastered onto a regular cat walking in kind of a weird way.
( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Tue 28 Jan 2014, 14:58, 2 replies)

Someone else likes something that I don't like and that makes me upset and I know it's not answering the question because I'm not talking about something I myself like but I just want to have a little rant and WAAAAAAAHHH

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 28 Jan 2014, 14:53, 1 reply)

The monumental relief
and euphoria you feel when emptying a full bladder, thus breaking the seal after a few pints.

That and waving goodbye to Ron Sharthelm.
(Deskbound You insignificant speck of dust, Tue 28 Jan 2014, 14:20, 6 replies)

You know what used to make my smile?
Pushing a double buggy, and running it in to people. Happy days...
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 28 Jan 2014, 13:53, 9 replies)

it's the little things in life that make me laugh
like your penis
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Tue 28 Jan 2014, 12:54, 5 replies)

Seeing people fall on the ice in Winter.
Seeing people get soaked by passing traffic.
Seeing brollies battling with the wind.
Animal attacks.

Pretty much You've Been Framed.
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Tue 28 Jan 2014, 12:41, Reply)

I'll tell you what would give me a little moment of joy
If someone could link to the original, actual Honda Accord post.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 28 Jan 2014, 12:36, 27 replies)

Why are parents incapable of understanding that...
...no-one gives a shit?

Not even other parents; they're just pretending to give a shit, so when it's their turn to bollock on about their own kids, the other parents will also pretend to give a shit.

All the parents involved secretly think that their kids are the best at everything, and that everyone elses kids are ugly little shits that should fuck off... and they're all half correct.

Fact is, squeezing out another useless human is really easy to do... the only thing you need is 9 months, and a blasé attitude to contraception. Anyone who thinks they're special for having a kid, needs to understand that they are genetically programmed to do exactly that regardless of the wisdom of doing so; so, congratulations for following a deterministic behaviour pattern, programmed into you before birth, but please remember that you've removed yourself from the pool of interesting humans, and you are now, by choice, in the mundane category of "parent of your own tedious little moment of joy".
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Tue 28 Jan 2014, 12:35, 55 replies)

my baby ate a kitkat with no wafer while tripping up a fat person

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 28 Jan 2014, 12:16, 5 replies)

when i bit into a kitkat
and it was pure chocolate, no nasty wafer in sight.

bliss.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 28 Jan 2014, 11:59, 17 replies)

I once corrected someone
then I had a wank.
(McChinaman banned, Tue 28 Jan 2014, 5:40, 7 replies)

I knew the answer to final Jeopardy!
I was watching Jeopardy! with a friend, and the final Jeopardy! category was British Government. I started yammering some trivia about the British Government, and said the PM is the first lord of the treasury and the Chancellor of the Exchequer is the second lord of the treasury. Then I mentioned that the exchequer originally was a checkered tablecloth. The Chancellor of the Exchequer would lay his checkered tablecloth on a table, then put counters and coins in different boxes, and that was the first spreadsheet.

When the actual Final Jeopardy! answer came around, it was something like: "This position refers to a tablecloth with boxes which was used like an abacus."
(Barticus, Tue 28 Jan 2014, 5:32, Reply)

Nicked
Whoot Whoot this is my first time back since I had my baby.

2 weeks ago I nicked an A3 sized piece of crinkly silver plastic sheet (its like the silver marathon runner's cape) from her play group. My child is now 12 weeks old and she loves it, I couldn't deny the tiny child shiny crinkly tummy time fun. She can now lie on tummy propping herself up on her arms.

For those of you who aren't or are not yet the parent of a tiny child, this will mean nothing. For those who are or have been I think I am mother of a tiny genius. I'm not the slightest bit sorry for what I did. Fuck yeah, I'm going to be a Tiger Mum.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Mon 27 Jan 2014, 23:03, 10 replies)

Get the same lottery numbers every week. Forget to get a ticket.
Check numbers to see what you've effectively 'lost'- HAH! On the ticket I forgot to get, my numbers didn't come up.

Technically I've just 'won' £2! :-D
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Mon 27 Jan 2014, 21:22, Reply)

I farted in my car
just before getting out and to go do some shopping.

when I returned the smell was waiting for me
( Reme Philips laid an epic dump on, Mon 27 Jan 2014, 21:12, Reply)

A child did an unremarkable thing.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 27 Jan 2014, 19:58, 12 replies)

Last weekend a bunch of us went driving in the desert.
It was a nice little drive with great scenery as Jebel Hafeet loomed in front of us and the plants were about as green as they ever get. We went over dunes, one or the other of us getting stuck now and then and having to be pulled out by the rest. Lots of joking around and cheering each other when we did something a bit challenging. Pretty normal stuff for the most part.

Then our marshal (the person in the lead, scouting the way) broadcast over the radio, "Okay, please don't follow me. Go about thirty meters to my right and don't laugh as you go by."

As I passed I saw why- she was halfway over the crest of a dune, and directly in front of her was a small jungle of scrubby plants about as tall as her vehicle. She was committed and had no choice but to drive through it.

I got to the bottom of the dune and called out "Now we get to see Marina diving into a nice thick bush."

When she got to the bottom and got out of her car to check for damage she said something in her thick Scottish burr that I couldn't quite catch. (Probably for the best.) Then she giggled and commented, "A good thing me husband wasna here. Me diving into a bush would hae been more than he could stand."

I'm not sure she'll ever let me live that one down.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Mon 27 Jan 2014, 17:40, 13 replies)

Sprout farts and Asparagus wee.

( skeltonator Needs some new daps., Mon 27 Jan 2014, 17:32, 2 replies)

my 11 month old son...
holding onto his walker/trolley thing and walking across the room past me with an enormous cheesy grin on his face...

AWWWWWWW
( bigmeuprudeboy is using powerpoint or paint...have MERCY, Mon 27 Jan 2014, 16:14, Reply)

seeing a shadow picture of the moon
... made by cosmic rays hitting Antarctic ice.
(haberman is singing in the changes, Mon 27 Jan 2014, 16:07, 1 reply)

I suppose that time I helped the local community by ridding them of one of their main drug-dealers was quite fun.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 27 Jan 2014, 15:21, 7 replies)

rule 32
silly things make me happy, like sliding down a snow-covered slope on a bin-lid, having an impromptu water balloon fight with your friends or neighbours, splashing in puddles when nobody's looking or even singing into a hairbrush.
Tallahassee was right, enjoy the little things.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Mon 27 Jan 2014, 15:19, 8 replies)

I watched medics bring a guy back to life last week, it fair took my breathe away.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Mon 27 Jan 2014, 14:44, 5 replies)