Keep it a secret then tell EVERYONE.....
As a teen I enjoyed living in squalor and whenever I wanted to invite a friend or two around she would bugger my lug about cleaning my room up. "What will people think" she used to say "I won't have people know you live in this filth", so I would slave away for hours getting it squeaky clean and perfect, then my mates would come around and while we were dossing away our time she would come in to the room, scan it top to bottom with her radar eye then announce loudly "Oh I see you've cleaned your room, because it's usually a SHIT TIP"

Thanks Mum, just tell everyone why don't you.
Bless you. x
(Daisho Arseholes everywhere I turn., Thu 18 Feb 2010, 12:48, 1 reply)

Gayers
Many years ago, I was on my way out of the house wearing a red t-shirt, when my mum stopped me and said:

"Be careful tonight, you know that red is the colour of the gays"

Not being of that persuausion, I'm not sure if this is true, or how my dear old mum came by this pearl of wisdom..
(mejt, Thu 18 Feb 2010, 11:29, 5 replies)

It's my first post, please be gentle
My brother, dad and I all love my mum dearly, and even more so when she says or does something crazy. I suspect it is because my mum doesnt like silence, so if no one speaks, she will continue to do so until someone takes over, even if this brings her to say the most random or stupid things.

Pitcure this, I am moving abroad for a while and invite the rents round for a bye bye dinner.

Mum: "So, er, do they have internet in Japan?"
Daft: "Of course they do, they are a pretty high-tech country."
Mum: "Yeah I knew that, but does facebook reach(?) all the way over there is what I mean."
Daft: "...yeaaah, facebook is pretty much anywhere the internet is."
Mum: "Ah right, right... so, er, do they have... washing machines in Japan?"
Daft: "...What??... No mum, they all smack their clothes against rocks by the river."
Mum: "Really??"
Daft: "No mum."

(the questions continue for an hour)

While away I set the rents up with a skype account so we could chat every so often. One time, I catch my mum while she is home alone. She has been talking frantically for the last ten minutes about her new wallpaper boarders or something like that, then stops suddenly, and begins to frantically scan the ceiling with eyes wide like a squirrel on E.

Mum: "Oh my God!... is the roof leaking?!?!"
Daft: "....?"
Mum: touches her forehead "Oh it's ok, I'm just sweating."

You could literally hear my laughs on the other side of the world!*


She is also a total chocoholic, but I will save that also a devious chocoholic, but I will save that for another post.

*Technically via skype, I'm not that loud
(DaftenDirekt, Thu 18 Feb 2010, 9:09, 2 replies)

This qotw is making me sad.
I is very drunk right now, and Sunday is two years since mum died.

My eyes are leaking...would give anything to have had that one last hug.
But we knew I couldn't go back to the UK no matter what. As mum told me 'it's my future now, I know how much you love me and I love you. Don't jeopardise it for me, live YOUR life'.

Exactly a month to the day after she died, I was approved for my green card.

Thanks mum, for looking after me from up there xx
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Thu 18 Feb 2010, 8:14, 3 replies)

Everyone who enters my Mum's bedroom
is struck down by Ra. It's the curse of the mummy.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 18 Feb 2010, 6:27, Reply)

Angel of Mercy
Quick story here. My apologies in advance for the lack of chuckles.

My Mum is quite literately terrified of blood of any kind so growing up as a rambunctious (and very clumsy) sproglette I learned at an early age not weep red coloured goo where Mum could see lest I end up picking her off the floor (not an easy task as she is not a small woman by any stretch).

On one fine summer day my brother and I were playing doubles tennis when, after doing my famous Andre Agassi after Thalidomide act, I managed to trip, fall and stumble my way into said brother's backhand, causing an enormous gash above my left eye. Blood was pouring down my face, blinding me in one eye and causing my brother to turn white as sheet and start gagging. As we as a family had just recently move to the US and knew next to nobody we were forced to call Mum, knowing her reaction was not going to be pleasant. 5 minutes later after a squeal of red-hot brakes and tyre smoke came Mum. Running, cloth and God's own bottle of peroxide in hand, hair net and housecoat flapping for all and sundry to see. Not a pleasant sight to anyone but me. Somehow she managed to clean me up enough so I could see then quite literally carried her 15 stone son to the car and steer with her knees whilst clamping a hand over a weeping and woozy child and shifting with the other, all time while I was pouring blood over me, her and the car. To this day I have never figured out how she did it. Got to spend the night in A&E due to a magnificent concussion and 17 stitches.

She waited until the Docs had stitched me up before passing out cold on the A&E floor.

Thanks Mum.
( venezuelan beaver cheese is mortally afraid of spoons, Thu 18 Feb 2010, 2:10, Reply)

The Pros and Cons
First the cons.

Aged 18, drunk, came home, Mum still awake*, greets me in the kitchen as i rummage for foods. Find some frosties, go up to my room, mum follows. We are talking/she is talking at me, i finish the packet of frosties, ball up the empty packet (the plastic bag inner), she offers her hand, i say nah and throw the rubbish in the vague direction of the bin. She lose it and shouts at me. I rolled over to go to sleep, she take of her slipper and starts hitting me. I think i may have started laughing.

*My mum has claimed for numerous years, that she can not "sleep" if i am not home, this has lead to phone calls** etc. I have come home before now and silently, like a drunk ninja, entered the house, climbed the stairs and retired to my room. Her light was on and the TV was on, she was trying to stay awake!! I do remember her calling me, i was in bed and had been for over an hour.

** On one occasion, not helped by the fact my phone was fucking up and only did incoming calls, did out going sms tho. She called to find me walking home from Leiden (about 8km from where i live) she was very annoyed at me. Prolly didn't help i had sent my mate home with my keys without me. What can i say, the chance for a shag offered itself and i took it. She stated "I always do this", was the first time.

My parents have separated, which my mum has taken badly, not helped by the fact my dad is now with someone only 2 years my elder. It was Xmas, we were at the grandparents, my dad was giving me a lift home the next day. 1am i get a call inquiring when my dad would be picking me up. This then lead to "will SHE be with him" and then some abuse. I hung up. The phone went again, we argue, i hang up, i have no problem with my dad's choices in life, it is his to leave. I get home. She picks a fight, which resulted in me very very angry/upset, my, dear departed, sister's diary being brandished with "see you sister didn't like her either", both my grandparents in tears begging her to leave me alone. It all started to calm down, my nan was offering to pay for a taxi in the morning, so dad wouldn't come to the house and i said "for you nan i will happily meet he else where" (or words to that effect), my mum the butts in "Why won't you do that for me". If she had simply, from the start, said "i don't want you to be picked up here" i would have arranged a different location, but instead she picked a fight with me, which went on for 3 hours.

She will never let things go. EVER.

She can be very spiteful with her words. This has taken me a long time to get over, and i am not yet. But when i was younger i remember her saying, on more than one occasion, "I wash my hands of you". The last time she tried this tact, i said fine, if you force me to choose i know who will choose, and only because YOU are making me choose.

The Pros

I know that if i ever need her, she would be there for me. She is currently 400 miles away, i could call right now and she would jump in the car and drive straight here.

I know she loves me, even if she is one of the few people who can get me from calm to glowing red with anger in 0.001 seconds.

The amount of crap she has put up with over the years, caused by me. For instance, when i was 21 i was arrested for trying to steal a bicycle. After a night in the cells, i got home and she told the news rather well, told me i was an idiot and even paid the fine for me ( i was a poor student)

If i am broke she will give me money, even if she doesn't have any.

She will, still to this day, do my washing and seems disappointed that i haven't brought any with me.

Basically she will would move the world for me if she could.

So i do love my mum, even if, i forget a lot of the time.

Funnily, although most of my friend knew both my parents and had a lot of respect for my dad, they would be more afraid of my mothers wrath than my dad, and she is only 5'2"
(StyX is staring at you, yes YOU!!!, Thu 18 Feb 2010, 1:20, 1 reply)

My Mum's brilliant
When I was a kiddywink she somehow managed to not only run her own floristry business but also do all those Mum things like make train shaped birthday cakes and be there with a kiss and a magic rub whenever there was a cut or scrape.

Later on during my teens she worked multiple jobs and kept us safe while also riding the fine line between giving us our freedom and keeping us safe.

Now that I'm all grown up she is one of the few people in the world I can talk to about almost anything and has been nothing but loving and supporting, especially in the last year or so which has been tougher than usual.

No jokes I know but reading the answers this week both positive and negative more than anything has made me realise I haven't ever thanked her for all of this, I'm calling her tomorrow.
(bill, Thu 18 Feb 2010, 1:09, Reply)

The curious case of my mothers nose
My mother has the strangest of motherly talents, She has the sense of smell similar to a wolf. On many an occasion she has smelled weed, beer, women's perfume all sorts (even when I've masked the smell with copious amounts of aftershave/deodorant).

So I can't go out and have a beer and the touch of woman, because mummy will find out.

sorry not exactly hilarious just feels good to share, my personal dilemma.

=) That is all
(Original Badman Is easily amused by the word chumbawumba, Thu 18 Feb 2010, 0:28, 3 replies)

first post
on my way out of the house to play a manly game of togger
(football) with the guys when, just as i reach the door my mum shouts out:

"dont forget your drinky bottle!" .......................

i was 25

(cries)
(fribbleshank, Wed 17 Feb 2010, 23:23, 1 reply)

Travelling to Liverpool on a bus...
...to see my sister who was at uni there, probably about 4 or 5 years ago, studying drama, my mum turns to me and says "Joanna's new play's showing at the Empire"
Now, I'm quite surprised, seeing as I've only ever seen my little sis act in tiny venues, and proceed to get excited about what a big deal this is, mum gets excited too. The journey continues.
About ten or fifteen minutes goes by...
"...oh no, it wasn't Joanna, it was Clare Sweeney"
(whatktdid, Wed 17 Feb 2010, 21:57, Reply)

My mum's lunch.
I caught my mum packing a full size, glass, caffetiere, in her lunchbox before leaving for work today.

She's a bog standard policewoman.

In Gosport. (we're from Fareham)

Her defence was, they have one at work, but it's not big enough!

I spent the remaining time before she left for work coming to terms with the fact that my mother is oh so very posh. I thought we were normal.

Is this normal?
( The Flaming Ibanez Awww, c'mon, Japanese girls do it!, Wed 17 Feb 2010, 21:02, 3 replies)

TRAPS
My mum is ever so slightly OCD. When I am home and she heads off to work she tends to leave me a little note, asking to hoover, dust e.t.c

Now I'm not a huge fan of any form of housework, so generally I make it the last thing I do before she gets home. I use the Jo Brand method of hoovering "Fuck it, that'll do"......

However, even if I were to spend an hour pushing the Dyson around the living room, I always get the same response form my mum.

Mum: Did you hoover?
Me: Yes
Mum: No you didn't, don't lie
Me:.....um
Mum: I know you didn't
Me: How? oh wise one.
Mum: I left traps!

Yes, my mum will spend at least 10 minutes before going to work, leaving little piles of crumbs in obscure places. Behind the sofa, under the rug...... She needs a hobby

Apparently she is allergic to cat hair and heavily asthmatic, which makes it understandable. But our cat died 6 years ago.

Just to add a few more.

I am not allowed to use the washing machine in case I break it
I am not allowed to take any washing unless it has been ironed, this includes socks
I am not allowed to drive over 30mph in the car
I get told off for opening the fridge as
a) it wastes electricity
b) I eat too much (despite my friends being force fed when they come round)

Oh, and I was once sat down on lectured on the misuse of drugs after my mum found filters in my room and a can of red bull in the bin.

Im 22 ladies and gentlemen

I love my mum :)
(The Urban Badger Pressing the wrong button since 1987, Wed 17 Feb 2010, 20:55, 1 reply)

Jokes
My Mum only knows one joke. To be fair, it goes on a bit. There's a cast list, and she does the voices and everything. The thing is, the only funny bit of the joke is that she's laughing as she tells it, and you only know it's over when she stops talking. Watching her tell it cracks me up each and every time.

I haven't managed to get her to tell Pink Goddess the joke yet, after five years of trying. Wish me luck!
(purplegod counting down for Christmas!, Wed 17 Feb 2010, 18:36, 2 replies)

I...
Love fucking my Mum...

Sorry, no, I meant I fucking love my Mum.
(beatpig understands subliminalesbianmessagaying., Wed 17 Feb 2010, 17:00, 2 replies)

My mum, weary of me 'messing around' as she would tell it...
Turned to me one day and started on about the "When are you going to settle down and find a wife..." speech (at this point snee's eyes glaze over) and added "and I don't mean someone else's!"

100% true...
( snee held his breath since, Wed 17 Feb 2010, 16:45, 2 replies)