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This is a question Near Death Experiences II

Freddie Woo says: I was once caught right in the middle of in an early morning high-speed 30-car pile-up on the M3, but emerged from the chaos in the only car not to have suffered a dent. My trousers told a different story, and learned that you *do* empty your bowels as Death's icy grip reaches out for you. Tell us about your audition for the Final Destination films.

Suggested by Just a Vagabond

(, Thu 15 May 2014, 12:55)
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From the last time this question was asked...
Motorway Madness

September 1995...

Bombing it up the M1 back to uni in Leeds. Junctions 1 to 46 - 180 miles of pure, pristine tarmac. Fast lane all the way. 19yrs old, overtaking any motherfucking thing that moved. Averaging 115mph. Speed cameras still a thing of the future. Had to beat my record. London to Leeds. Last done in 2hrs 24min.

New motor. 'G' reg Daihatsu Charade GTTi. Pioneer headgear. Alpines embedded in the parcel shelf. Sub-woofer taking up most of the boot. 300w amp drilled under the passenger seat. 'Retrospective of House 91-95' rinsing through that system. "To the beat of the drum. Bang! To the beat of drum. Bang Bang!"

And me. Lit Marlboro Red hanging from my lips. Shades on. Desperate to return. Desperate get back to 'Back to Basics'. 'Vague'. 'Hardtimes'. Party time!

Like I said. Daihatsu Charade Gtti. Hottest hatch around. A twin-turbo monster that flew. Only 998cc under the bonnet. Genius quirk of Japanese engineering. That thing would never get made today.

I'm in the zone. Red-line all of the way. Leaning forward on my seat. Flashing my lights. Burning up coaches and caravans. If I'd seen myself today, would have called the police.

And then. From nowhere. An almighty. A colossal. A world-ending sonic BOOM smashed into my ear drums.

Sound barrier being broken? No.

Bass-bin blowing up? No.

Front left tyre exploding at 120mph? Yes.

Then everything went quiet. Tunes faded into the background. I knew I was having an accident. I registered that. Part of me fought with the steering wheel. Part of me tried to push all three pedals at the same time. And a bigger part of me braced himself and awaited the immense, inevitable pain, that was certain to follow.

The car turned. Yanked left out of the fast lane in a blur of screeching metal and burned rubber. In milliseconds the rear end had flipped out to the right. And for one perfect moment. For one clear as day, intoxicatingly frightening moment, I was facing the wrong way down the M1. Oncoming traffic seemingly inches away. I swear I caught the eye of a gobsmacked HGV driver.

Then time caught up with me. The Daihatsu had continued it's arc across all three lanes. As quickly as it had started, I'd spun a full 360 and was facing the correct way again. But this time skidding sideways at a terrifying rate. Towards the hard shoulder. Towards the trees. Towards the ditches. Towards the pain.

And then it was over. I was facing forward. Car not upside down. Just wedged at the far left of the hard shoulder, slightly in drainage ditch. The huge metal posts of a motorway sign just inches in front of me. The hard as fuck trunk of a mammoth fir tree just inches behind me.

Soon. I don't know how long it took. But soon a cop car had pulled up ahead of me. Light's flashing. The officers jumped out and sprinted over. They pulled open the door. They could not believe I was unharmed.

'Saw the whole thing,' jabbered one of them, 'we were ready to call in the air-ambulance. Would've bet my salary you were a gonna!'

The other one looked me up and down.

'Do you know you've got a fag burning a hole in your jeans?'

He was right. My Marlboro had been happily smouldering in my crotch for god knows how long. Jeans were burned through. Yet I felt nothing. Must have been the adrenaline. But that's when I broke down. Tried to get out the car and dust the fag butt off. I didn't make it. Fainted there and then on the hard shoulder.

Came round in the back of an ambulance. The coppers had changed my tyre. Was soon on my way again. Classic FM and never topping 60.
(, Thu 15 May 2014, 14:34, 38 replies)
I have driven on the M1.

(, Thu 15 May 2014, 15:07, closed)
Me too.
I understand it's quite a popular highway.
(, Thu 15 May 2014, 15:16, closed)
Prefer the A1 now since they got rid of the majority of roundabouts on that route.

(, Thu 15 May 2014, 15:19, closed)
I remember '95.
Coppers were famous for punishing dangerous driving with a new tyre.
(, Thu 15 May 2014, 15:07, closed)
I also know that 180 miles divided by 115mph does not equal 2 hours and 24 minutes.

(, Thu 15 May 2014, 15:08, closed)
By strange coincidence, the previous record breaking effort,
ALSO involved stopping to singe his pubes in front of some startled coppers, but for different reasons.
(, Thu 15 May 2014, 15:18, closed)
I don't suppose anybody will point out that they had mobile gatsos on the m1 before 1995.

(, Thu 15 May 2014, 15:21, closed)
Never mind that, pre the forth lane being built
getting above 60 would be a notable acheivement, in and of itself.
(, Thu 15 May 2014, 15:30, closed)
whoa there, hoss!
I hope we're not suggesting that little billy bullshit can't even be bothered inventing new lies for a new question
(, Thu 15 May 2014, 15:35, closed)
Heaven forefend!
I believe every word he has ever typed. Indeed, I pride myself on my credulity.
(, Thu 15 May 2014, 15:39, closed)
wanna buy a coffee machine?

(, Thu 15 May 2014, 15:54, closed)
If it is made by Jura I will consider it.

(, Thu 15 May 2014, 16:03, closed)
it can be made by whoever you want it to be, hunny

(, Thu 15 May 2014, 16:06, closed)
Can I please order the Ferran Adrià Gaggia

(, Thu 15 May 2014, 16:15, closed)
Gaz me your bank details and mother's maiden name and a recent picture of your shaven balls.
(, Thu 15 May 2014, 19:07, closed)
My credit card has a "valid from" date of July 2024.
Hope that's acceptable.
(, Thu 15 May 2014, 16:12, closed)
seems legit

(, Thu 15 May 2014, 18:47, closed)
Plus pretty much constant roadworks and contra flows at various points for the last 30 years

(, Thu 15 May 2014, 15:30, closed)
I see what you are doing, you are making a story up. You card.

(, Thu 15 May 2014, 15:15, closed)

(, Thu 15 May 2014, 18:30, closed)
See ... this is how you tell amusing lies.
If only Club Dreary could take some tips.
(, Thu 15 May 2014, 18:47, closed)
I told you smoking was dangerous.

(, Thu 15 May 2014, 15:16, closed)

(, Thu 15 May 2014, 15:39, closed)
So let me get this straight
The cops 'saw the whole thing' - including you driving at 115mph. So they swapped your tyre for you, and sent you on your way. Very decent of them.

It was simpler times then. Doing 115mph on the M1, groping 12 year olds...the cops just used to turn a blind eye to minor stuff like that.
(, Thu 15 May 2014, 16:14, closed)
120! get it right, son
120 in a car that the interweb reckons had a top speed brand new of 110. Weighed down with a chav-load of audio gear and with five years of heavy-footed teenager on the clock.

This isn't poxy 115mph Tesco Value bullshit, this is M&S bullshit.
(, Thu 15 May 2014, 16:21, closed)
I was wrong. I see that now.
Hold me.
(, Thu 15 May 2014, 16:45, closed)
I believe a tyre exploded.

(, Thu 15 May 2014, 16:56, closed)
that bit is probably true
although given that it's billy bs it wouldn't surprise me if even that but is second hand
(, Thu 15 May 2014, 17:07, closed)
- and a car that was not a twin turbo.
needless embellishment.
(, Thu 15 May 2014, 18:59, closed)
I reckon he'll pull the legless defence by tomorrow afternoon

(, Thu 15 May 2014, 19:22, closed)
To answer your valid queries:
1. 180 miles at 115mph does not equal 2hrs 24mins - impossible to maintain that speed all journey, roadworks, traffic etc.

2. There were categorically no speed cameras along the M1 in 1995 - in fact it is only now that speed cameras are even being thought of for motorway use www.telegraph.co.uk/motoring/10613388/Motorway-speed-cameras-to-be-rolled-out-to-stop-those-driving-faster-than-70mph.html but if you can prove otherwise...

3. The police saw the accident but were not monitoring my speed - they did indeed change my tyre, had a laugh at me fainting and buggered off.

4. My car could easily do 120mph - as proven quite effectively here www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZfUBB1UDk9U

But don't this keep you from your abysmal pizzas and oh-so-hilarious otter-posting.

A x
(, Thu 15 May 2014, 18:10, closed)
Hey man, leave the Otters out of this.

(, Thu 15 May 2014, 18:36, closed)
^ upset

(, Thu 15 May 2014, 18:52, closed)
dunno why
this witless fantasy was demolished within minutes the first time he dribbled it on here


tl;dr - little billy knows as much about hot hatches as he does about property investment
(, Thu 15 May 2014, 18:54, closed)
Less 10% speedometer error
and 20% bullshit error
(, Fri 16 May 2014, 7:55, closed)

(, Mon 19 May 2014, 17:00, closed)

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