Alex Turner
(wanted to post this for the Heckling QOTW, but didn't register in time)
I saw popular beat combo Arctic Monkeys at Cardiff Barfly in June 2005. Great gig, I was up the front the whole time, and, seeing as I was high on adrenaline and wanted to make an impression, I shouted the following at Alex Turner in between songs:

"You've got lovely eyes!"

he said "What?"

so I said

"You've got LOVELY EYES!!!"

at which point he turned away, a look of genuine fear in his eyes, and didn't look in my direction for the rest of the show. I hope he remembers me

incidentally, I'm a bloke, and straight. But I probably still would
(The Deeper Well watches your kids sleeping, Mon 29 May 2006, 16:03, Reply)

Celebs ? I've met a few
Quite a few in fact...

I stuck my arse accidentally in Suzi Quattro's face
Have worked with the Wildhearts and consider some of them good friends.
Bought Quentin Tarantino a drink (nice chap)
Got rat-arsed with Thunder
Been on tour with Therapy? and was drinking backstage with them just last week
Know Metallica's sound engineer (the infanous Big Mick)
Have worked with guys from Wolfsbane
Shared a plane with Feeder
Ligged backstage with people like Jimmy Page, Amen (Rich Jones who used to play with them is a mate), The Murderdolls, the Darkness, Velvet Revolver, The Bloodhound Gang and many more
Photographed officially Alice Cooper, Janes Addiction, the Libertines (shit) and many others
Had a certain fairly well known band stay at my house, and watched in awe as the female bassist snogged the merch girl on my double bed (Ace!), and also got on stage with them once and exposed myself to the entire audience
Got drunk with Tim Healy (Dennis from Auf-Wiedersehen Pet)
Had a few beers with Ken Morely (who played Reg Holdsworth in Corrie)
Had breakfast last week with Phil Parkes (ex-West Ham goalie legend)
My mate's daughter was married to Patrick Kluivert, but never met him yet
Had Mark Owen from take that ask me what band I was with (thouroughly nice chap - even let me finish his wine as he had to shoot off)
Used to bump into Jimmy Greaves a lot in the village where I lived
Did a gueard of honour for the Egyptian Prime Minister when I was in the Army

And there are more I am sure, but my memory is a bit hazy. Most of them have been lovely I must admit - its their "assistants" that I find are the true cunts.
(Waynster James Joyce is fucking my sister!, Mon 29 May 2006, 15:59, Reply)

Thom Yorke
on the train from London to Cardiff. I was pathetically tongue-tied, but he was very nice, and shook my hand. I felt touched by God (even though I'm an atheist)




*(first post, be gentle with me)*
(The Deeper Well watches your kids sleeping, Mon 29 May 2006, 15:56, Reply)

He's not MY bloody hero...
In the wintery months, A couple of mates and I go to Kallbadhuset in Malmö (cold bath hose) out in the sea. It consists of a few saunas, and some enclosed(ish) sea areas, and open sea that you can dive into. We only really bother to go in the winter: the water hits minus 3, and you need to smash the ice before plunging butt-naked into the water..

You can make as many jokes about blokes being naked together as you want... Only someone who is totally secure with themselves can strut around after having frozen thier nuts off.

I digress.

Sat chilling in the sun one warmish day, Per-Ola and I noticed a guy with an "I've worked out too much" body appear in green speedos. This is rather rare at Kallis, most people walk around naked, or with a towel. People stared.
He parked himself near the known "male-appreciation" boys, and proceded to do a wierd workout. Until I saw this guy produce one, i NEVER thougth that people had the "roller on a stick abs-workout machine". He produced one, and poceded to roll himself up and down infront of the hairy bear-boys. They looked appreciative.
He then danced around for a bit, and produced a latex rubber bandish thing, and proceded to do some more chest-puffing stuff.
Until that Day, I'd never seen someone make a simple workout into a show-off routine.

Sat out in the cold, Peo and I sat gigglnig at this self.absorbant display, and wondered if the guy was TRYING to turn on the cuddly gents behind him.

A few minutes leater, sat in the 95 degree sauna, we were discussing the ludicrous actions of the guy in question, when he walked in.

"fuck me" says Peo... It's Peter Siepen. He's famous.



He's a faily famous bloke here in Sweden, infamous for being annoyingly eccentric, full of self-love, wearing crocodile-skin boots, daft hats and feathery earings etc... Try this Google Search to get an idea

There is a band of 3 tiered benches in the sauna, you sit looking out to sea through the triple-glazed windows. It's quite sublime and relaxed. In the event of no space, you can take the tiny single-seat that is infront of the window. This allows you to spot the next guy to leave, and take his place.

There was plenty of room on the benches... Yet Siepen chooses to sit opposite us all, on the single bench.

Now.. the next bit is a kinda male thing: if you can sneak a peek, you do. you HAVE to know how big the next dude's tackle is. Don't deny it.. evey time you're in a public shower, you end up having a subtle look at the other people there. Now.. sat in the sauna I guess most people so have a look. They DON'T however do what Mr S did... sitting infront of everyone looking from crotch to crotch. His face didn't flicker til his eyes met my with slanty-eyed mutton gun. I have 2 piercings, both clearly obvious in the sauna. He stared, and STARED. Peo even tapped me on the shoulder and said "Dude, Peter Siepen's staring at your winkie"

The seat next to me then became clear.

Yup.

He came and sat next to me.

Though I thought it was impossible, he proceeded to stare more.

So... there's now a TV series called "Rocky & Drago" on in Sweden... A wierd kind of "Micheal Palin goes aroudn the world" thing, but with Peter Siepen and some vacuuous bimbo who screams alot.

I wonder if he talks about the day he saw a wierd dude with Steel in his dick as much as i talk about the day that Siepen stared at my Winkie...

Celebrities... some are nice, some are assholes, and some simply stare at your genitals too much.


**************************************
Yes, I know it was long... but it *was* 95 degrees C...
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Mon 29 May 2006, 15:23, Reply)

Sigmund Freud
We were separated by several feet of dirt, but I think he would have wanted it that way.
( KersaI Missive Free Michael Shields! with Monday's Liverpool Echo, Mon 29 May 2006, 15:12, Reply)

Chuck
I met Chuck Palahniuk (Fight Club author) at a book signing in Waterstone's in Oxford Street. Chatted for a bit, and signed all my books. Class act and super nice.

Worked on a radio show and went to some trade show on sex (to get some material) where they had porn stars signing poster and lord nows what. There was a porn star named Nicky Taylor. She looked attractive with the right lighting on screen. Up close she was scary looking with quiet bad skin. She was quite nice though.
(alexdelarge, Mon 29 May 2006, 14:10, Reply)

you're fucking shit
just remembered another story about a mate.

my friend Paul got conned into going to see pseudo-metal band Amen when they played in Oxford a few years ago.He didnt like them, had never heard any songs, and generally had no knowledge of who they were. Deciding that the drinks in the club were too expensive, he and the people who conned him into going went over the road to a pub to have a few swift jars before they went in.

whilst in there, Paul said a tallish, heavily tattooed man walked up to the bar while he was there and commented Paul on his exceptional beard-longhair combo, to which Paul relied "I like your tattooes". The tattooed man then asked if he was going to go and see Amen later, to which Paul replied with sincere honesty, "Yeah, I am, I'm not really a fan but some friends are going and I thought i may as well. In fact, I think Amen are pretty shit to be honest". The bloke left pretty promptly after that.

Come gig time, everyone went mental when Amen wealked out. Except Paul. He looked a little shocked then burst out laughing.

"hahaha! that's the bloke is was talking to at the pub!"
"Paul, that's Casey Chaos"
"Who?"
"Lead singer of Amen"
"Oh. I told him Amen were shit earlier."
(A Good Egg, Mon 29 May 2006, 14:07, Reply)

Peter O'Toole
he asked me directions in leamington spa once. and bernard sumner filling up his massive 4wd at leamington spa's top of town garage
(Jimmy Splash, Mon 29 May 2006, 14:01, Reply)

Pete Doherty and Kate Moss
Met them quite unexpectedly at Glastonbury last year. Was walking along one of the raised wooden walkways (to avoid being up to your waist in mud), when suddenly a car pulls up right next to me, and I step down into the mud so the passenger window is where my face is. I glance in, and there are good old Pete and Kate, who both look directly at me. Being Glastonbury and being me, I'm wearing a big blue fuzzy hat and have mud on my face - basically a very happy, if a little demented, hippy.

Being at a complete loss for anything to say, I do the first thing that comes into my head - I stand stiffly to attention and give them a great big salute, twirly hands and everything.

Kate just looked a little scared, but Pete, bless him, grinned and ripped off a perfect copy of my salute. Then the car drove off again. What a nice bloke.

Then I went to find the beer tent.
(fox_handybread, Mon 29 May 2006, 13:52, Reply)

Sorry, another nice celeb
Many years ago I was having a drink with some friends in the Warwick Castle on Portobello Road when I noticed a bloke on his own with an Adidas sports bag. I walked up to him and said "Excuse me, are you Alex Cox?". He replied that he indeeed was so I said how much I loved the movie Repo Man and asked if I could buy him a drink. His response: "No man, let me buy *you* a drink". What a nice guy, bought a round of drinks and sat down with our little group and nattered about stuff for about an hour. When asked what he was working on he produced a tatty script for "The Pope Must Die" from his sports bag and told us about it. 10/10 celeb.
( electric_goat, Mon 29 May 2006, 13:50, Reply)

micheal jackson
i was so excited when i met him but i also think he was pretty excited, he only lasted 5 mins bigest disapointment of my life he wasnt very big either.
(fwack bang on it, Mon 29 May 2006, 13:19, Reply)

Xylophone
I've met Patrick Moore on numerous occasions, as my dad is in the astronomy business and sometimes even appears on the sky at night.

Anyway, He's a top bloke, genuinely nice, if a bit facsist, in a harmless sort of way. He's even let me play his famous xylophone, and played me the entertainer on the piano when I was about six.

Completely contrary to the topic, I know, but the world needs to know that not all celebrities are icy, selfish bastards with no time for the common man.
(WarneMarsh My priority for frivolity begets quality jollity, Mon 29 May 2006, 13:09, Reply)

Otter sex toys
Whilst on a visit to Inverness I decided to check out the local pet shop. On opening the door out barged a lanky, balding and sweaty Terry Nutkins with what looked like a box full of otter sex toys or something.
He seemed to be in a hurry.
(fannyface, Mon 29 May 2006, 12:41, Reply)

Maxim?
A few years ago, a friend of mine asked me to do some charity collecting with her at Reading festival. We were the guys at the entrance rattling the buckets. However, when the afternoon came, we were allowed go and watch the bands. However, as we had special "Guest Crew" wrist bands, we decided to see how far we could go into the backstage area. Turned out we could go everywhere!!! Other than the Prodigy's party tent. However most of the celebs spent there time outside it anyway. So on said weekend, we met Liam Gallagher (who gave me a cigarette), Mark Lemar (who was checking out a girl i was with), NOFX, Amen (Casey Chaos said i looked like a rockstar and what band was i with), Dave Grohl, Brandon Boyd Slipknot without the masks!! (They seemed quite normal). However after the Prodigy was on we saw Maxim, I knew this, however a couple of my friends kept saying it was "Leon", I was like "it's Fucking Maxim", but they kept on, and i got drawn in, so low and behold...

"Leon, can i get a picture with you?"

"Who the fuck is Leon!!!"

"Uhhhhh.."

"Maxim, can i have my picture taken with you?"

He did, but was a bit huffy after that!!!

Oh and the Appleton sisters and Danni Behr were there!!
(Bernie, Mon 29 May 2006, 11:48, Reply)

I am a rather large punk fan, and
yes I know it is dead, stale and full of emo's now, but when I saw the Misfits in Brighton a few years back, I was walking down the beach and bumped into Marky from the Ramones, I was shocked, and he was old and rather dull, still he gave me an autograph and that was that.
( Neon Blue Ah ha ha haa! I feel positively capital!, Mon 29 May 2006, 9:14, Reply)

If you remember 'Dad's Army'
you'll know that Captain Mainwearing was a pompous old trout with too great a sense of his own importance.

A work colleague of mine, many years ago, recounted the story of her meeting with Arthur Lowe, who played Captain Mainwearing.

She was waiting to be served in a south coast newsagent's shop, with several people in front of her, when Lowe walked in, barged straight to the front of the queue and demanded to be served.

When the other customers protested, Lowe turned to them and said 'Don't you know who I AM?' and resumed his bullying of the newsagent.

He was served first and strutted out triumphantly with his Daily Express and packet of Polos.

The whole cowed shop then indulged in a collective grumble about what a rude, stuck-up old twat HE was...

We used to hear the story several times a year, and shake our heads in disgust. Well, what d'you expect! Jumped-up old trout, thinks he really IS somebody, looks down on us common people...

Then when Lowe died, I read that he was actually a kind and generous man who shrewdly realised that the Great British Public love villains as well as heroes.

He'd deliberately act like the Mainwearing character in public to wind people up, and it is perfectly possible that the newsagent and most of his customers were in on the joke, which was on my colleague and everyone she told.

RIP Arthur Lowe - comedy genius!
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Mon 29 May 2006, 8:35, Reply)

Celebrities from small to big
There's a girl back in my hometown that everyone seems to know. Drop her name (Kate) to nearly anyone, and you'll get the response "Oh yeah, I have a friend who dated her." And it's a city of 1 000 000. I had three personal close friends date her that I know of.

She is from a Mormon family and her dad is a different kind of local celebrity. He does the far-right-wing pundit speech on the evening news every day. I'm told he mentions his daughter in code a lot, "My neighbour's daughter" or "The daughter of a friend of mine..." She herself rebelled from him and became Wiccan (as well as the city bike).

Anyway, her 18th birthday was approaching and my friend was worried because he'd start seeing her in bars soon. So I decided it was up to me to play a prank.

I registered a new e-mail account based around her father's name, but not exactly the same name (Brian instead of Bob but usually only uses the initial). Then I found some lists of celebrity e-mail addresses and sent the word out to every ironic celebrity I could find, asking them to wish my daughter Kate a happy birthday. I must have sent out over 50 e-mails, but the only one--the ONLY ONE--who responded was American conservative pill-popper pundit Rush Limbaugh. He actually responded only minutes after I sent it.

His response to me was that he'd be delighted to send an e-mail, anything for a young fan (I think I said she was turning 12). He even CCed me his letter to her.

A couple years later I spoke to Kate. She had a feeling I was behind the Rush letter because pretending to be people I'm not is a signature prank of mine. But there was one complication: she thought that Rush Limbaugh was the fake, and she apparently sent him an e-mail back saying "Who the fuck are you? I know for a fact that my dad has no respect for you, you fat fuck!" And he responded "Well if I had known you were such a bitch, I wouldn't have written you this letter!" I wish to fuck I had a copy of those e-mails.

Maybe I'm the reason he started taking those pills. I feel no guilt.
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Mon 29 May 2006, 4:41, Reply)

Not a hero at all, but none of the others are either
My girlfriend helped out with her filmmaking teacher's film last year. She was working as a script girl down in Gwangju, Korea. One of the actresses showed up with that familiar "Do you know who I fucking am?" attitude. Her only credential was that she'd been in one commercial in her entire life. But in Korea that's a big deal. I've since seen her on a commercial but I don't know her name and I doubt you'd care.

And then she sat on my girlfriend's sunglasses. Sunglasses I'd bought her for about 2 pounds at a market. She fled the scene of the crime but someone told my girlfriend who'd done it. When she approached the actress, the girl started counting out money, "Alright, how much were they worth? 50 pounds? 100?"

Rather than take this woman for some money, my girlfriend decided a cheap shot was in order: "Save it so you can bribe another director into letting you on another TV commercial."
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Mon 29 May 2006, 4:28, Reply)

I saw Jarvis Cocker wandering up the road one morning
he was dressed like a tramp and pushing a pram.
I was so very, very fond of him when I was younger that I will let it pass this once.
( 100% kitten better than ever, Mon 29 May 2006, 1:41, Reply)

I met Ken Dodd once
not what I'd consider a 'hero' persay, but I thought he was funny enough for a dodgy old geezer. Anyway, he was doing a christmas lights opening in Crewe one year and he began to tell the old joke "what is green, has 6 legs and can kill you if it falls on you?" and looked around the audience. I was a bit high on something or other, so naturally I shouted out the answer. Ken looked straight in my direction, then teetered a bit as he tried to focus. He laughed, recovered his flow and as he was leaving the stage failed to realise he was wearing a clip-mic, so i was quite capable of hearing him mutter "Get that fat bastard out of my sight". What a twat

oh and by the way, the answer was 'snooker table' for those of you who are slightly slower at reaching a punchline than dear Ken.
( Dazz - In Your Base, Killing Your Dudes since, Mon 29 May 2006, 1:18, Reply)

Yes Drum man
Alan White, erstwhile drummer in prog-rock overlords Yes, used to own a house in a village a few miles from where I live. Me and a bunch of mates went over there once and, after peering over the hedges for a while, actually prompted the man himself to show. He was a lovely bloke, he showed us around his garden which had some of the Roger Dean sculptures from the Topographic Oceans tour. My mate asked him if he wanted a spliff. He politely declined.
(Drum, Mon 29 May 2006, 0:19, Reply)

David Bloody Jason
Not a hero by any stretch of the imagination, but..

My friend Will happens to live rather near to the aging Only Fools and Horses 'star'. He, I and another friend decided to venture forth to his estate to see if we could meet the old fellow in person.

Gathered around his front gate (excessively large, if you want to know), with a video camera concealed in Will's shirt, should we be graciously granted some Jason-time, and pressed the buzzer on it. We pressed it twice, yet no reply was forthcoming. We waited a while for any semblence of activity.. nothing.

Discouraged, we were all ready to give up (or climb over the gate) when a voice clicked into life from the speaker. The elusive Mrs. Jason!

She, sounding somewhat irritable, asked us what we wanted. We replied (respectful, like) that we'd just like to be able to have a chat with David Jason, if that would be possible. Her reply?
"Yes, well, a lot of people want to talk to David Jason". Her voice clicked off. Now highly let-down, we turned to leave, and were a couple of footsteps away when the speaker crackled back into life. Had she re-thought? No. She wanted to berate us for 'holding the buzzer down' for ages, while she was 'on the phone'. We did no such thing, and were speechless at these accusations. Besides, if someone rings at the doorbell, isn't it at least customary to give them a 'could you hold on? I'm on the phone' so that they aren't left hanging about like a bunch of lemons?

Not so much a disappointment with a celebrity than with his pissy wife, then.

Besides, Will says that his Gran was walking her dog down the path near D.J.'s house once, when his car pulled in, with him in the passenger seat. Upon seeing her, he ducked down to avoid being seen. Sorry, Dave, you're not THAT big a star.
(Nash Odyssey is a nasty, nasty man (or possibly woman), Sun 28 May 2006, 23:54, Reply)

The drummer from Radiohead
I met Phil Selway at Glastonbury a couple of years ago. We chatted for a bit while watching Damien Rice. I suggested he take advantage of his drummer cool and hook up with Nelly Furtado, who had just performed that day. I quickly retracted the statement, remembering that England had just been kicked out of the European cup and it probably wasn't a good weekend to start dating a Portuguese girl. Either way it didn't matter, as his wife was standing next to him.
(Tristram_zx81, Sun 28 May 2006, 23:12, Reply)

I scare Olympic gold medalists
When I was a wee one (well, in Primary School at least) my family and my friend Chris's family had an annual tradition of going to the Commonwealth Trials/Olympic Trials/Transgender Knitting Trials or whatever else was going on at the Alexandra Stadium in Birmingham that year. The best part of this for me as a kid (even better than a picnic with Curly Wurlys) was going outside after the events to get autographs from the athletes. I'd had quite a few successes in my time (I once snuck into the athlete's section while Chris distracted the guard with tales of needing to go wee-wee and got Linford Christie and Colin Jackson at the same time) but this one time I saw the prize. My idol. Sebastian Coe (now Baron Coe of Ranmore in the County of Surrey).

Now to those of you who know him as a bit of a smarmy wanker (aka a Tory MP) you have to realise that to me this man represented everything great about being British. The plucky spirit, the grand tradition of lanky white men beating the world at middle distance (in the days before the Kenians and Ethiopians spoiled it by being able to run faster), Roger Bannister, Chariots of Fire, stiff upper lip, Empire, the Queen, scones and jam, all that shite. And here was the man himself in the flesh.

Unfortunately what I failed to remember is that Mr Ranmore in the County of Surrey had actually lost his trial. By quite a margin. So he was a tad peeved. As a result when a weedy voice, tinged with hope and expectation, piped up "Seb! Seb!" he bolted. Boom, like that he was gone. I found out that day that a heartbroken 11 year old's legs simply can't compete with a trained athlete's.

To this day I can't help but look on that day and feel a deep pang of regret.




I should have shouted "why couldn't you run that fast inside the stadium you daft twat?"
(Captcheese, Sun 28 May 2006, 23:00, Reply)

David Jason
I met David Jason once, there was a village fate and he was there to open it and judge the "best pet" competition. Seemed quite ordinary and boring to be perfectly honest.

BatDyke is my Heroine though:)
(ardouisur, Sun 28 May 2006, 21:11, Reply)

Debbie McGee asked me for directions
Paul Daniels and Debbie McGee (in the MAG1C car, no less) once asked me for directions as they were doing their act in what I assumed was the crappy little theatre opposite Asda. Didn't know the decent one had been refurbished and was opened, so when they asked me for the theatre, I ended up sending them to what was more or less a knackered little bungalow with "theatre" on it. Still, if he was really magic, he'd have known the way, or should at least invest some of that wedge in a GPS unit.
(stoat on the road to nowhere, Sun 28 May 2006, 20:45, Reply)

Grooverider
What an utter cock. Went to congratulate him on a good set at Bristol Academy (actually it was shite, but anyways...) and he just went 'whateva...' in true Vikki Pollard style and fucked off. Knob.
( Damien's Hearse, Sun 28 May 2006, 19:50, Reply)

I grew up in a village about 3 miles from Noel Edmonds' mansion.
He used to drive into town in his 4x4 to buy papers while I was spending all my lunch money on sweets. Bit of a cunt and alledgedly a wife beater but not sure how much of that's true...

I also sold Jennifer Saunders some posh biscuits when I worked in Spar, which wasn't very exciting.
( Damien's Hearse, Sun 28 May 2006, 19:48, Reply)

Irvine Welsh
Even balder than I thought.
( KersaI Missive Free Michael Shields! with Monday's Liverpool Echo, Sun 28 May 2006, 19:20, Reply)

Sir Davids Attenborough and Frost
Met them when I and my friends made an appearance on "Frost on The Weekend" or something on LWT. I was dressed entirely in blue with blue hair. David Frost said he liked it. Actually, they were both quite nice.
There was someone else.. a transexual Bond girl... I don't remember her being nice though.

I've made a habit of meeting semi-famous people, mainly musicians. Kelley Deal (Breeders), Tanya Donnelly (Throwing Muses, Belly), Ian McNabb (Icicle Works), the list could be pretty long. Cradle of Filth were utter cunts though, especially Danny.
( mr horrible up yours, dickface, Sun 28 May 2006, 19:11, Reply)