rather uncomfortable
Right, haveing never played rugby properly before i was picked to play for my school team (this was years ago) the other team were huge, and im not exactly a man mountain so i was rather intimidated.

i was playing on the right wing, and was quite releaved when the ball went out to our left winger at the start of the match!

he got tackled by quite a big fella and dient get up again, he had dislocated his hip! ouch... thats bad enough however when they popped it back in it hurt him so bad he let out a scream that tore a vocal cord!

bit of an over reaction maybe?

dont think so, one of his testicles had slipped into the socket which was promptly shattered when his hip was re-located! gutted!
(viva_le_boosh, Sun 19 Jun 2005, 18:38, Reply)

Snakebite
When I was a kid my mates and I used to play on the local golf course, you nicking golf balls, building treehouses that looked like a shanty town rejects that kind of thing. Anyways, one afternoon I find this snake sunning itself and decide to pick it up. Turns out Adders don't like being picked up by dumbfuck kids and it promptly bit me. Cue much panicking and running 2 miles home. Also not a clever thing. Staggers into my house, at this point high as kite from the venom, and starts telling my dad what happened. He gets really pissed off and belts me square in the mouth at which point I throw up and pass out. Cheers pops......bastard.
(charliesays, Sun 19 Jun 2005, 17:59, Reply)

Once
After a long day of sailing in the hot summer sun without adequate drinking, I became dehydrated.

Severely. The insidious thing about it is that you have no warning, you just get tired and BANG - heatstroke. I was 15 at the time. It wasn't pleasant.

So I decide that I need to get to the hospital, and try to get up, but the heatstroke had given me the co-ordination of a asthmatic elephant in a field at hay fever season and a migraine the size of Texas.

Struggling with my thoughts, as my brain had taken the consistency of a curdled caramel pudding, I somehow latched onto the fact that my bag full of my stuff (including my ID card and wallet and mobile phone) was in the car, which was locked, and my parents had the keys.

As my parents were on another boat, which was late, this was a problem. Unable to move very far or do anything but lie in a crumpled heap against the car wheel, I proceeded to vomit copiously, depriving myself of precious fluid.

It took my parents three more hours to get back. My father found me slumped against the car wheel and shook me awake (as I had fainted again). He was totally plastered.

I croaked out that I needed my bag. What was his caring, paternal response?

"Yes son, here you go. Do you want me to drive you to hospital?"

No it fucking wasn't. It was:

"WHAT?!? THE FUCK YOU TALKING ABOUT YOU LITTLE SHIT? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU YOU STUPID FUCKING CUNT? YOU FUCKING LITTLE DISGRACE OF A FUCK...." ad infinitum.

I didn't need this.

I had heatstroke, severe dehydration, couldn't talk, couldn't stand, was covered in my own vomit and was slipping in and out of consciousness, and my Dad was giving me a bollocking for no reason.

That wasn't the real problem though. Oh not at all.

My interaction with my dad was witnessed by a four year old boy and his grandmother.

That was unnecessary.

My mum rushed me to hospital after I collapsed in front of her, convulsing. After that, I had to wait another three hours in hospital until 2am, when I see the doctor, who told me that had I have waited another four hours to see him, I would have died.

Woo.
(DarkLite swallowed my entire undercarriage, Sun 19 Jun 2005, 17:18, Reply)

Near death penis
When I was about 12 I was happily jerkin my gerkin in the shower when the brilliant idea to pull my foreskin back comes to me. Now I had neer of pulled it back untill then so I had no idea it was too tight to be pulled back. So after much heaving and water I got it back. I then realised that perhaps my bell shouldn't be slowly turning purple and then blue.
A pained and very wet young me then staggers out of the shower staring at his magical swelling bellend. Upon discovering it wont go back for love nor money I staggered into the living room and proceed to tel my mother I have a 'problem'. upon telling her and bareing all She sent my father to try and take care of it.
Now a 6'3 insanely strong bear of a man tugging on your small swollen adolescent penis is not much fun and proceeded to make me scream at a level that makes most trained opera singers look like a member of busted.
After much embarresment a trip to hospital is made. After a 1 hour wait in which doctors spend their time laughing at a drunk that was pukeing in the next bay i got seen. At which point some crazy asian magic man starts to massage my now very dark and soon to explode member and make it shrink. Alas my now shrunk pork sword still would not let the foreskin back down. Eventually the choice was made for an emergency circumcission on the grounds that if they did not act then my penis would die and drop off due to having no blood suplly. Que a day of being sick due you no fasting and several weeks of cowboy walking.

What was'nt needed was after the magic massaging doctor for 3 others to try and a attractive female nurse to be watching.
What really wasn't needed was to then be examined the next day by a doctor and several students.

No apoligies for width, girth or shape.....my girlfriend likes it.
(Wulung, Sun 19 Jun 2005, 17:03, Reply)

Ankle gashing goodness
I managed to fall down my nan's spiral staircase sending me down the stairs and into the wall at the bottom. Not before I'd managed to flick my leg over my head and put a 4-inch gash across my ankle courtesy of the window-sill. Off to hospital.

Now, I dunno about now, but in 1993 the NHS in Chichester didn't have doctors on first thing in the morning in A&E, and when he finally turned up to see me he proceeded to inject an anaesthetic in the wound which immediately squirted back out, before then stitching me up. No Need? Not applying another anaesthetic when i asked because he couldn't be arsed to go and sign another one out...
(Tri99er, Sun 19 Jun 2005, 16:20, Reply)

At college
I sat on a large red bin
A teacher sent a letter home to my parents about it

She likes dido

( betascoo8, Sun 19 Jun 2005, 16:19, Reply)

And I thought it would be fun...
I woke up one morning to my mam saying "You're neice is coming over for a visit today but me and your dad need to go shopping so you'll have to look after her for two hours" ..I think "Fair enough", get ready and when she has turned up (with her friend too) and my parents go off and leave me, I ask them what they would like to do. They said that they'd like to make some food so I said yes as it sounded fun. Basically, they got a giant saucepan and filled it with various crap (noodles, sausages, carrots, soy sauce), they cook it for a while and then dish it up. They then tell me that I have to eat some of it too..so being the good sport I am, I do. They end up force feeding me the majority of it whereas they only have one mouthful. It was foul. AND! To top it all off, I had to wash up but the stuff had burnt to the bottom of the "non-stick" pan and I stood there trying to scour it off for over half an hour. Next time they want food, I'll make it myself.
(mindpoet17, Sun 19 Jun 2005, 15:23, Reply)

The boxer tree
pretty much here in newbury, vicki park we have a ritual of ripping someones boxers off of them whilst thier still wearing thier trousers, unfortuantly this happened to me, i understand the good spirits this was done in, and thats fair enough, but then they went went and stole my fucking trousers. nof cuking need to be walking around newbury naked... no need..
( [DTMX] Fishing hook, Sun 19 Jun 2005, 13:31, Reply)

Skin
Eh-up,
A while ago, having just started a new job, I happened to look down at my hands. They had gone pink and itchy.

Fast forward a few days - my whole body was pink and itchy.

Fast forward a few more days - my skin was falling off.

Fast forward a few more days again - my skin had turned to Parmesan cheese, I had a raging temperature, my face (and the rest of me) was so swollen I could not recognise myself in the mirror and my appetite had disappeared. I became more and more delirious and was (eventually) sent to hospital by the docs.

After two days they worked out I had developed a nasty reaction to medication which I had been taking for a crick in the neck. So, I had effectively been poisoning myself.

I was then put in the geriatric bladder ward for a couple of days.

It took me three months to recover.

Loved every moment. Or, rather, I didn't.
( Parmesan Quality b4 Quantity, Sun 19 Jun 2005, 12:19, Reply)

Any new legislation since about 1900.
(SSSSS, Sun 19 Jun 2005, 10:00, Reply)

The best midfielder in the land screwing up his carrer...
No need.




(Scott Parker and yes im still bitter)
(farmer, Sun 19 Jun 2005, 9:56, Reply)

shakey skakey
Fell off my skatebaord when I was 17, landing full on my face on rough tarmac.Taken to hospital with face in shreds. Amongst other things my nose looked broken and the xray seemed to confirm this. Told not to sleep on my face for a while and come back in a week for a check up.

Come back and see a different doctor, who is sure from the xray that theres no break. He illusrates this by grabbing my scabby nose and using it to shake my head, sending spasms of pain through my whip-lashed neck
(lankygingerfool, Sun 19 Jun 2005, 9:51, Reply)

Not me but a mate.....
Decided to have the snip and prevent his cock getting him into any more trouble with the CSA.
Still under local anaesthetic he saw no reason not to accept the 4 mile journey home on the back of his pals Harley Davidson.
The next few days saw him incapacitated only able to sit in front of the telly, feet up on separate chairs - gonads the size of footballs.
Still - The ice cream man played his tune just before he ran out to allow my buddy to purchace the last as some relief and Dido hadn't started in the music industry
(ElGatodeBarco, Sun 19 Jun 2005, 9:04, Reply)

tripple whammy
My ex-husband left me for our 17 yr old neighbour, 15 yrs his junior, on my 36th birthday. 'Took everything and later realized he had taken some family heirlooms as well. (There's some poetic justice here though. She got him and his oldest, best buddy dumped him.
Ex got quite ill and had to take a medication in the form of rat poison to thin the blood.)
(OGH, Sun 19 Jun 2005, 5:44, Reply)

More fun with hospitals
I was playing (American) football, when a freak accident left me with a fully dislocated hip. After a 30-minute ride to the hospital, the nurses stuck me in the x-ray room and left. For 45 minutes. With no painkillers.

Finally, a nurse came back in and did the x-ray, and then left again. For another half hour. Still with no painkillers.

By this time, I'm completely pissed off. The nurse came back one more time, with the developed x-ray, and proceeds to hang it up and look at it (of course, in a position where I couldn't also see it).

So I ask her, what's the x-ray show?

The nurse just looked at me and said "I can't say, but there's a reason you're in pain."

Let's just say, she's lucky I couldn't get up off the table.

Oh, and I looked at the x-ray later, and it's completely obvious what happened. It was completely unnecessary for her to hide it from me.
(Fiery Weasel, Sun 19 Jun 2005, 5:24, Reply)

Hospital "emergencies" continued...
Have to agree with te_nosce_ipsum about the whingers with non life threatening complaints who think that by going to Accident & Emergency means they need to be treated immediately.
Here’s an example of “Now, there was need for that…” from a paramedics' perspective.

I bought to hospital a three day old child, who whilst being breastfed went into respiratory arrest (and soon after, cardiac arrest). Whilst performing CPR at the same time as telling the nurse and doctor the patients details we are approached by an irate patient complaining that he still hasn’t had his bloodied face sewn up. (He was assaulted – can’t imagine why anyone would do that to him…)
The nurse tells him “The child isn’t breathing, has no pulse and may die. Now go away.” It makes no difference to him and he complains that “I was here before that bloody kid.” He persists with his whinging until a rather large bikie tells him that he will happily render him to the same status of the infant if he doesn’t fuck off.
He later lodges a complaint to the Health Minister about the waiting time and after an investigation at the hospital he received a written apology from the minister. FFS…
(By the way, the child did not recover.)

The above example is not uncommon and the bottom line is that if you are physically able to complain about your wait at A&E, then you may not actually need to be there. And as bad as your genuine pain may be, if you can feel pain then you are doing a lot better than some patients. Give attitude and piss the nurses off and you can guarantee a longer wait also...
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Sun 19 Jun 2005, 3:16, Reply)

Not me, but I witnessed it.
I used to live in Rochester NY in the 80s. For those not familiar with it, the city is by one of the Finger Lakes in Upstate, which means that it gets almost as much rain as Seattle, and during the winter it gets either a hell of a lot of snow or half-frozen nastiness coming down that turns into a sheet of glare ice when it hits the ground.

One afternoon I'm coming out of the grocery store with my week's shopping, It's been snowing and icing lately, so the parking lots are treacherous for walking, let alone driving. I start to carefully go across the sidewalk to the parking lot when I hear the unmistakable sound of rubber sliding over ice.

This idiot in a little hatchback had been driving through the parking lot at the speed you would use on a summer day, lost control of his car and was now sliding across the lot at about 15 mph, spinning in circles as he goes.

And he's headed right for one of those light posts that stand on a three foot tall concrete pedestal.

As it happens, another car had just vacated that space. Because there had been cars there most of the time, and because cars tend to be warm underneath, the pavement was bare and fairly dry in that spot. The little hatchback comes flying into it backwards, the tires grab onto the pavement and he stops about six inches from the concrete pedestal, his car positioned there as if he had carefully backed into the spot.

As this poor bastard and his girlfriend are sitting there with faces the color of old milk and shaking, barely aware that they're still in one piece or that they're both sitting in puddles of urine, we all set our groceries down and gave them a standing ovation.

Yes, it was unnecessary for us to applaud his stupidity and unbelievable blind luck. But wouldn't you have done the same?
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Sun 19 Jun 2005, 2:31, Reply)

Insult to injury
I'm up to my 10th general, and I take the local hospital as it comes. Went in last year for an appendix (by bus, with six books and no clean underwear, severely bollocked by the nurse I'm married to), to get on with starving and being bored. Blood test, poking, finger up arse, so far so good.

Morning following the op, get out of bed. FUCK! MY BLADDER'S MOVING!
Enormous incision, horrendous pain. Surgeon comes round and I ask him what the score is.

"Oh, we found you'ld had a kebab, so we yanked a bit of your intestine out to check it hadn't gone off. Not to worry, everything's fine."

Pause.

"Oh yeah, could you not have the garlic AND chili next time, it made us heave."

Bastards. I paid 50p extra for that.
(all my scars face forward possesses 2.5% of a hyperalloy combat chassis, Sun 19 Jun 2005, 2:07, Reply)

Can I explain a little something here ???
Hi everyone,
I thought I'd give you a little insight into WHY a surgical procedure that probably should take a day is dragged out to 2-3+ days . . . from the perspective of the poor bastard who does the operating:
One arrives at a hospital. There is usually a wait . . . patients are seen according to urgency (if you're not likely to die from what ails you = not urgent).
Yes, you may be seen by a junior doctor (we all started somewhere), and they may need to speak to their senior/specialist. This is a good thing guys; I'm sure you wouldn't rather have the poor newbie guess at what to to do with you (or even worse, send you home?)
Now . . . timing of surgery. This is where people get shitty (rightly so). In an emergency dept, you are fasted so that if you need surgery, you can have it without having to wait the obligatory extra 6 HOURS without food - thank the anaesthetists for that (they decide on timing of surgery). The surgical doctor who sees you (me, if you're bloody unlucky) has to 1. decide whether you need the op, 2. make sure you are fit for an op (inebriated is NOT fit) and 3. find theatre time for an op (this is the fun part.) Emergency operating times usually only use one theatre - which means we all line up our cases to be done. Is someone is unwell (trying to die) - they get done first. If there is a kiddie who needs surgery, we try to do them first too (fasting for a little one is harder than adults). Now, remember, I said normally ONE theatre is open - so what happens if your case isn't done and it's getting towards 1am? Well, we can keep operating all night (which we will if this operatiion needs to be done) or we put it off until tomorrow (and yes, the same thing happens with theatres the next day, although we try to put people who have been delayed closer to the top of the list).
The waiting is shitful for everyone - includng me - arguing with anaesthetists about fasting status, with theatre staff about theatre time, wirth, bed managers about beds for patients (and having to tell the starved, injured patient that they are being put off AGAIN). No one person is at fault here - unless you want to send threatening messages to the local MP for the state of their local hospitals.

No apologies for length/width/height/surface area and circumference - I'm a girl.

PS: if anyone is thinking of breaking something this weekend, could you reconsider? I'm on call, and it's been awful the last few nights . . . ta.
PPS: I have nothing against anaesthetists - most of the time . . .
PPPS: I never play Dido whilst operating . . .
PPPPS: A agree, hospital food is absolute shite . . .
( Mrs Legless . . . belongs to, well, you know . . . :), Sun 19 Jun 2005, 1:25, Reply)

Hmmm.
After a night on the beer, which there was every need for, I get home and make my way to bed. Cue night of freaky dreams, one of which was of filling a shoe with wee (which I didn't recall immediately after I woke up). Bizarre, but dreams are like that. Wake up late but in a surprisingly dry bed. Nice. Bit of a headache, but on the whole things could be worse. Leggit downstairs in an effort to get to work on time to be greeted by a lone trainer in the middle of the floor. Almost as if in my drunken state I had prepped myself for a smooth transaction into work mode.

The squelch as my foot slid in made me realise I was far from that efficient.

Arse.

Pales into comprison to a friend who after a good night's drinking slipped off a kerb and ended up chewing the towing-hitch of a parked car. Probably woulda been OK if he had opened his mouth. Still, I spose his teeth stopped the hitch from punching a hole through the back of his neck......
(Filthy Rich, Sat 18 Jun 2005, 23:55, Reply)

Broke my arm...
Ok, so i broke my arm, won't mention how at about 7:30, get to hospital at 8 in A&E, wait around till 10 (take your time why the hell not?!?!)

Trainee doctor comes; "Taken any painkillers?" Me: "Not yet no, no-one offered"; Him: "Ah you better take some then" off he trots, bout half an hour later returns with some panadol stuff, yeh thanks alot doc, that's gonna help. "So first off you need to take an x-ray"

Wohoo, X-Ray time (half an hour wait -_-, thought someone coulda done that while we were waiting for doctor?!?!) turned out i'd broken both bones at my wrist and one was shattered...

Back to to the trainee doctor; "I'm not really sure i can deal with this, i need to get my senior" hence half an hour more waiting... Senior arrives; "Ok, it's too late for us to operate now, so what we'll do is put you in a temporary cast for the night and operate first thing tomorrow"

Time to get the cast ^_^, so we go in this shabby room, trainee doctor and senior this time; "Ok this may hurt a little" [yanks my arm up so its as straight as possible] Yes it damn well hurt!!! Ok, so now its time to sleep, rite?

WRONG! Now it's time to be turned into a sieve as the nurse tries to find a vein to put me on the drip, i think it was 7 times she tried by the elbow before she moved down to the unbroken wrist, this took long enough...

So i finally get to sleep at bout 1 o clock only to be woken every hour by some nurse checking my pulse...

Wake up next morning, ok, cool, so they're gonna operate today, rite? "As soon as possible" they said, so what? 11'o clock? WRONG, apparently there was no oppurtunity till 4pm!!! great -_-. . .

Bare in mind i haven't been allowed to eat or drink since about 7 o clock previous night, ok so 4 o clock they operate all goes fine... wake up, ok, so i can go home now right?

WRONG, apparently it's stay one night in A&E and get one free night special offer week, so i'm there another night, and get to eat lovely spongey pizza -_-... (Oh yeh, i was also sick after this pizza cos of the anasthetics, just to make it all the moe enjoyable)

Next morning i'm free to go, after another release x-ray that is... Hence another hour waiting, at about 2 o clock i was free to go, and hence i did.

It was only a 40+ hour dilema (surely there was no need for that!??!)
(Aquai, Sat 18 Jun 2005, 20:32, Reply)

Drunkeness
Recently, on a pissup with my mates, went back to one of my mates house. Pretty drunk at this point. Sitting in the garden and pratting around I manage to royally fall...on my face...on concrete...solid concrete. OW!

Now the nasty scrapes I have all up the right hand side of my face would've been bad enough.
Cue another one of my mates, in his drunken panic, running around trying to help me...and then feeding me some painkillers to ease the graze...
painkillers + booze = no no no
Drunkeness increase by about forty times (rough guestimate) resulting in me being bought home (not remembering anything after said painkillers) and upchucking all over the place...and of course falling asleep in the toilet with the door locked naked (for what reason I know not) only for my dad to be worried that I might've...I dunno, died or something, and having to smash the door in to save my bloody, puke stinking, drunken naked mess of a body.

Fortunately no-one played Dido.
(doris_day, Sat 18 Jun 2005, 18:46, Reply)

Pilonidal Sinuses
There's no need to keep posting about the fecking things. This QOTW is bad enough...
(The Machinist, Sat 18 Jun 2005, 17:13, Reply)

bummer.......
my boyfriend had that pilonidal thing now he has an extra long bum crack - permanent builders bum - there is no need for that!
(airyfairy, Sat 18 Jun 2005, 16:35, Reply)

Breast abscess
A few years ago, I had a lump in my breast which turned out to be an abscess. After 3 days of looking like I had a 3rd tit, and the antibiotics not working, I went to the Emergency Room to have them drain it. The doc took one look and told me I needed surgery. Immediately.
They put me on the cancer ward (there was no need for that, but it was the NHS).
They sliced me open at 6am the next morning.
They left the wound open with dressing in it (There was a need for that, to drain the pus)
After I got home, I had a district nurse come round which was going to be a daily thing for a week.
The first district nurse took out a long metal pole and told me he needed to insert it in the wound to see how deep the abscess was (there was no fucking need for that!).

Mind you, the next day, the sent a female. I guess the male nurse had gotten a little scared when I told him I'd rip his balls off if that metal thing hurt me.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Sat 18 Jun 2005, 15:30, Reply)

Oh
I think my boyfriend had that pilonidal thing. I had to clean it out and change his dressings once. I could say there was no need for that but I did offer, caring, nurturing type that I am.
(SusK, Sat 18 Jun 2005, 14:30, Reply)

Bad Story
This pales in comparision to the other stories I've read. But what the hell.

A few days ago, I had the mother of all colds. I felt like crap, I couldn't get home due to my school's inability to keep a medical room open for longer than two weeks, and I had just used my whole tissue supply in an hour.

How could my maths teacher help? Easy. Just give me a feckload of trigonometry to do, refuse to give anyone a calculator, and call me a "Pavlov dog" when I sit up at the end of the lesson. Do you know what the urge to kill feels like?
(00tinytim00, Sat 18 Jun 2005, 14:04, Reply)