My mates are all absolute flange magnets.
Or so they seem to believe. I'm a gullible sort, so one particular friend of mine had me wondering how he managed to accumulate such a wealth of stories about sordid bonk-fests. I think I was lulled into believing him by the fact he had a horribly unhappy relationship with an absolutely stunning stripper, and also because I once woke up on my friend's couch while he was busily poking the life out of a drunk lassie behind it vigorously enough to shake me awake.

I'm useless with women, so I shrugged and put it down to one of those things I'd never understand. That was until I saw him in action!

I was baffled as to why women found the sight of him and my other mate, stamping about pissed as lords and shouting the words to Gold at the top of their lungs, absolutely irresistible, but there they were, chatting up two women at the end of the night. And they came with us to the kebab shop, so I assumed this intangible attraction they held must be working it's magic. I plonked my arse down on a bench outside the shop and waited for them coming out, and a few moments later one of the "ladies" fell sideways out the door. She looked a bit impatient as her friends were standing chatting just inside. She opened the door and shouted "Come on, before those fuckin wankers get back or we'll never get away!"

The smug grin I had on my face the next day as that regailed me with tales of how gagging for it those lassies had been. Smashing.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Fri 30 Nov 2012, 16:53, 1 reply)

Our MD
He'd been single for many years until 2010, when upon hitting his 50's lost three stone in weight and made a real effort to see more of the world, especially lady parts. He met a woman who he now lives with.

Unfortunately, he's regained the weight and a little more, developed a perfectly circular bald patch, allowed his new beau to cut the rest of his hair, died the grey out and has taken part in Movember.

No-one has the heart to tell him that he looks like a gay paedophile monk.
( Muns, Fri 30 Nov 2012, 16:50, 3 replies)

When I travel between Bradford and Halifax I have no idea where I am.

(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Fri 30 Nov 2012, 16:46, 5 replies)

Mrs SLVA
and I were in Tesco as she was looking for a cheap top to wear for a night out she wasn't that keen on going to. I picked up a white top with long sleeves trying to be helpful and show a modicum of interest.
"What about this?" I asked impassively.
"Long sleeves? It's piss ugly for a start, and it's July. Why would I wear long sleeves", before turning round and seeing a woman wearing the exact same top not 5 feet away and certainly within earshot.
With a horrified look on her face, my missus dashed off whilst I just burst out laughing.
She had a point though, this other woman did look bloody awful in it.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 30 Nov 2012, 16:27, Reply)

I have a fur coat
It's made from, to use it's latin name out of sheer pretentiousness, the Callorhinus ursinus.

I believe that it's a one of a kind, which suggests to me that there is a lack of seal fur wearers.
( Muns, Fri 30 Nov 2012, 16:15, Reply)

I only learnt today that Will Ferrel played one of Santas assistants!
I kind of wish that this was true.
( Muns, Fri 30 Nov 2012, 15:51, Reply)

I keep driving past my local petrol station.

( Muns, Fri 30 Nov 2012, 15:50, Reply)

Noel Edmonds and Will Self, eh?

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 30 Nov 2012, 15:47, Reply)

I AM TOTALLY UNAWARE OF THE EXISTENCE AND WORK OF RENOWNED AUTHOR AND BROADCASTER, WILL SELF!!!!!!_!_

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 30 Nov 2012, 15:43, 1 reply)

I was a wimbledon ball boy in my youth
And Bjorn Borg let me keep the ball he used to play his last unanswered serve when he won his fifth consecutive singles title. Even autographed it for me.

Many collectors of memorabilia have tried to tempt me into parting with it over the years, but I always tell them, NO SELL FOR WIN ACE.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 30 Nov 2012, 15:19, 1 reply)

I have absolutey no idea
whether the author of Dorian, an Imitation is in the same vicinity or not.
(thefuckestuppest cheapened this, on, Fri 30 Nov 2012, 14:48, 2 replies)

Peter
New(ish) guy in our office at work. He's just turned 60 and has been in the trade for most of his working life - the boss hired him into a sales job so he'd be able to milk his extensive contacts book.

Except he's got no self-awareness. So, he spends his working day coughing and sneezing and sniffing and generally sounding like he's about to keel over shortly after giving the rest of us a dose of flu. He loudly and regularly congratulates himself on completing each part of the particular task he's working on, then proceeds to talk us all through exactly what he thinks he needs to do next. Of course, he's really just summarising it for himself so he can get to grips with it, though the rest of the business manage to do that without opening their mouths.

He grunts and groans and moans in those old-man-type ways every time he moves. He's even leaned over onto one buttock, while sat at his desk, the easier to fart, loudly. He didn't even make a joke of it, and betrayed no indication that he was consciously aware of what he'd just done, he just carried on tapping away at his keyboard.

If we were all boys together it might have some kind of locker-room humour value - he's a lot funnier to think about than he is to work with, however, and the rest of the office staff ('cept me) are women, who for some unaccountable reason find him personally quite disgusting.

On the plus side, he's totally useless at his job* and is actively damaging to the business every day he turns up here, so - assuming he doesn't manage to alienate every prospective customer and supplier - won't be around to inflict himself on us for much longer.

*That's another thing he's completely unaware of. In his own mind - which he speaks freely all the time, as I've mentioned - he is the pinnacle of competence and is beset by poor management, bad systems, slow computers, etc. Nothing that goes wrong is ever his fault, nobody knows how to do anything better than he does, etc.

He's an amazing example of human self-delusion and I wish he'd just go away.
( shinyshinyscalp less a man, more a way of life, Fri 30 Nov 2012, 14:44, Reply)

DFS have a sale on!
New sofa warehouse.
(ubergeekian, Fri 30 Nov 2012, 14:32, 3 replies)

I've heard that the Earl of Wessex feels a little queer when his wife is away
No Sophie weirdness.
(ubergeekian, Fri 30 Nov 2012, 14:31, 2 replies)

I won the "Best Kept Nostrils" prize at school.
Hooray for nose health awardness
(ubergeekian, Fri 30 Nov 2012, 14:30, Reply)

Being a typically middle class family
... one weekend my sister came home from university completely skint, in search of a loan off my father.

She and I had chatted about it on the Friday evening, and on the Saturday morning she was quite the professional, made a nice cup of tea, and sat dad down in the kitchen to ask him formally if she could borrow the money, prepared to take the blame for how the situation arose, amend her ways, and work out a payment plan to return the cash.

My father is a kindly man, and of course did not want to see his daughter in financial trouble - sure she's been an idiot - what student in their early 20s isn't? But it wasn't a request anywhere beyond his reach, and it was an opportunity for her to learn a valuable lesson in life.

My step-mother, however, saw it rather differently.

"YOU need money?!" she suddenly screamed, "YOU need money?! I haven't had enough to buy any clothes for months!"

And with this, started stripping.

To her bra and knickers.

All the while, chanting "CLOTHES! CLOTHES!"

In this state she then ran out of the house, through the village, through two neighbouring villages, and into the nearby town, where she was finaly picked up by the police, and returned home, much to the delight of all our neighbours.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 30 Nov 2012, 13:27, 15 replies)

My dad was a keen sailor and would frequently take part in yachting races.
Sadly, he was an awful cheat and would do ANYTHING to win, no matter how against the rules it was. He had No Sail Fairness.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 30 Nov 2012, 12:48, Reply)

This young chav was unaware that as soon as you turn your mobile phone on in Tenerife you get a welcome SMS from the foreign Telco.
..as we were approaching the customs guards he was somewhat surprised when his phone bellowed at full volume "YOU'VE GOT A FUCKING MESSAGE!"

"shit shit shit..."
( Airman Gabber Living life like a 70's BBC presenter, Fri 30 Nov 2012, 12:40, Reply)

Fucking rudeness.
The path to the station near my house is wide enough for two people. Walking up there recently with my husband, we saw two women and a small child approaching: we automatically dropped into single file, and assumed they'd do likewise. Nope. They remained resolutely side-by-side, and the small child veered across the path into us, necessitating an ungainly hop-and-skip to prevent him barging into our knees.

Woman: "'Ere! What the FUCK do you two FUCKING FUCKS think you're doing, you RUDE FUCKS! You just nearly walked into my boy! You're SO FUCKING RUDE!"
Me: "Madam, the path is wide enough for two people. We moved aside as much as we could, perhaps you and your son could do the same".
Her: "You FUCKING RUDE BITCH! How fucking rude can you be? You need to move aside for my boy! I can't believe you were so FUCKING RUDE in front of my son!"
Me: "..."
Her: "BITCH!"
Me: "... and you have the temerity to call *me* rude?"
Her: "..."
Her: "YOU'RE FUCKING RUDE, YOU COW!"

We shrugged and continued on our way, leaving the woman screaming loudly to her friend about the "fucking cow" who was rude in the presence of her child. Whilst said child was standing next to her and learning all sorts of naughty words.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Fri 30 Nov 2012, 12:16, 27 replies)

My GP is very keen on promoting the work of the ENT clinic.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 30 Nov 2012, 12:12, 5 replies)

NOEL'S SO FAR WON THIS

( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Fri 30 Nov 2012, 12:01, Reply)

My old boss had been divorced for several years..
..and had let his personal hygiene slip somewhat. The damp sweaty smell from his office was toe-curling in summertime.

One hot summers day he walked in front of a desk fan that had been blowing air onto my colleague, paused and stretched his arms out.

My colleague started retching and quickly had to sprint out of the office... nasty stuff.
( Airman Gabber Living life like a 70's BBC presenter, Fri 30 Nov 2012, 11:59, Reply)

Noel Edmonds hired an elite group of soldiers to fight against a criminal operation that was raising seals and then killing them for their fur.
They're known as NOELS SEAL FARM WAR VETS
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Fri 30 Nov 2012, 11:56, Reply)

As an attempt to perhaps get QOTW back on track - have a pea of the opposite of self-awareness - a text I had the opportunity to send to friends recently while on the tube:
"I am sitting opposite the very definition of a 'Fuck-Haired Twat-About-Town'. He has a big Elvis quiff, Buddy Holly glasses, a blue naval jacket, pink pedal pusher trousers, and "Vegetarian Shoes" leather-effect sandals. He is playing on a music-making programme on his iPad (Bose headphones) - I know this because he's sitting at an angle and leaning that far forward that we can all see it."
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 30 Nov 2012, 11:52, 4 replies)

Noel Edmonds sailed around the world to raise awareness of degenerative neurological diseases.
NOEL SAIL FOR MS
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Fri 30 Nov 2012, 11:44, Reply)

You all need to grow up.

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 30 Nov 2012, 11:43, Reply)

Noel Edmonds stumbles across nudist camp
NOEL SAW FELLA WEAR NOWT
( Kroney, Fri 30 Nov 2012, 11:42, Reply)

I've read a few of his prophesies, but I think they're a bit shit.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 30 Nov 2012, 11:39, 1 reply)

Noel Edmunds done a wank onto the late Peter Seller's head.
NOEL SELLERS HAIR MESS
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Fri 30 Nov 2012, 11:38, 3 replies)

Noel Edmonds in failed scrap merchant business venture
NOEL'S SELL FERRO WHERE NAUS?
( Kroney, Fri 30 Nov 2012, 11:38, Reply)