1st Mistake
100% True:

I have never done this. Huff huff huff! (As I wink at the computer and make female readers do a Honda Gush)

Apologies for length of my 2.2l Japanese Import Saloon.

Many moons ago, before my penis fell off due to the overware of constantly being solar plexus deep in supermodel virgin muff, I was standing outside Greggs.

This 6ft 6 guy came up to me and without any reason tried to punch me. Luckily my Honda Accord earrings took most of the blow, thus I didn’t drop my Steak Bake.

He said to me “Listen hear you Jive Turkey, You’d better get out a Pappy Joes ‘Ho Go Slow before he pimp slaps you into the time where LP Records will play in an automobile sucka!”

I brushed off my Armani suit with studded detail and said to the wall of meat “Dear fellow, you appear to have ‘crumbed’ my polyester twosie, now …feel…my…WRATH!”

I did a double backflip through the sunroof of my Accord, keyless starting meant I was ready for Justice at the press of a button. I revved the car and let off the hand break, making the car roundhouse the hitman upside the ears and sideboards.

He dropped some massive drugs on the floor… I noticed that they had a label that said “…for kids. Good ones too”…Nothing makes me want to rev my car and have a threesome with a Victoria Secrets model more with rage than a drug dealer who likes to get kids hooked into Meow Meow Woof Woof Bark.

I got out of my car and with one punch I knocked him out twice. I grabbed him by his nose and sucked all of the burps out of his lungs, I then added some more of my burps and then breathed all of this back into him.

This above statement didn’t serve a purpose.

I then pulled him into my Accord, sitting him on the passenger seat whilst screaming “DUAL CLIMATE CONTROL BEEATCH! I KNOW YOU’RE ROASTIN’ RIGHT NOW HOLMES BUT I’M 14c AND COOL AS AN ACCORD’S BOOT LINING!!! NOT GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HONDA YOU FACKIN’ YOGHURT!!!!”

He limped away looking like a sellotape wrapped baby, crying and cursing himself that he chose to try and mug a Honda driver.

By now a large group of supermodels had gathered around my car, curiously moist by what had been occurring. I wound down the windows and flopped my penis out for them all to have a gander and a stroke. I KO’d 4 of them when it twitched like a stretching dog after a 10 hour sleep.

“Jump in girls, it’s Accord Timez! Stereo Volume set to ‘Crumpet’!” I gargled as the massive bass biffed them all up inside their Gucci clad caves, making them flump milm all over the upholstery. “Don’t worry about the stains jutting out of your pobbers, it’s fackin’ leather and wipe clean, Barry Scott has got nothing on me! Bang and your Pelvis is gone! GRAK GRAK GRAK GRAK!”

The supermodels all laughed at my amazing joke and we all drove off into the sunset, Literally. They all set on fire but I was ok because I was driving the Accord, thus making me invisible and a master of Jeet Poon Do.

The End.
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 15:29, 27 replies)

DEEEEEEEEEEEG!!!!
how the hell are you??
( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 15:31, closed)

I yam gud
Just bored so thought I'd post a true story.
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 15:49, closed)

DG!
Wow long time no see. :)
( M o D, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 15:35, closed)

I know, ain't been here for ages,
Good to see that the same good people are here and also the less liked rotund jabber virgins.
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 15:50, closed)

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 15:44, closed)

Lies

( WormuIus, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 15:44, closed)

"keyless starting meant I was ready for Justice at the press of a button"
wetting myself.
( WormuIus, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 15:45, closed)

I heard you once put a conker up your bum to make it harder as your anus contains so much vinegar
is this true?
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 15:51, closed)

I heard that your arm-bones are made from layers of wet newspaper and you used to get your Mum to wank you off because if you did it yourself you gave your cock a Chinese burn.

( WormuIus, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 15:56, closed)

I heard that your head looks like someone put the end of a hockey stick inside a shirt.
Your torso is so weak that you once swallowed too much air and you had to go to A&E.

When they evaluated you, they said that you're lucky to be alive since it's theoretically impossible for an abortion to live outside the womb for 26 years.
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 16:07, closed)

Tears, in my eyes.

( Wildheart Baby. Drunken Mess In A Good Way, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 0:34, closed)

This is really rather good
*clicks*
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 16 Sep 2011, 15:46, closed)

Christ.
I hurt from repressed giggles.
Thanks.
(PERSONALITY HORSE Graham Tapes - free download album - coming soon, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 15:56, closed)

Tell BaldMonkey that he look like a fart caught in cling film.

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 16:09, closed)

Like an encapsulated brown ghost?

( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Sat 17 Sep 2011, 2:15, closed)

Liked the shorter version last time round.
Love the longer version this time round.

*clicks for great justice*
( .Yeti., Fri 16 Sep 2011, 16:04, closed)

This is fucking brilliant
If it wins QOTW will implode.
( Wet-chinned bag shanker Cannot parse Wogan, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 16:06, closed)

That wasn't too long,
and I most certainly read, and enjoyed, every word of it.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 16:14, closed)

I'd like to be able to click this more than once.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 16:29, closed)

Stereo Volume set to ‘Crumpet’!
Awesome, if a little Lord Flash Heart.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 16:58, closed)

It made me cry.

( girlinthehole, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 20:42, closed)

This man is NOT a cunt.

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 22:43, closed)

This is a work of genius.
"I grabbed him by his nose and sucked all of the burps out of his lungs..."

A very odd kind of genius, I'll grant, but genius nonetheless.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 10:24, closed)

I liked it. I felt a bit sorry for the supermodels though.
(Kazza , loathing myself so you don't have to, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 10:58, closed)

Wow
infinitely better than me cumming in my own pyjamas.
( dazbrilliantwhites has been meaning to change this..., Sat 17 Sep 2011, 11:33, closed)

I call lies
I mean really... Steak Bake?
(ParaSitius is an Optimistic Pessimist, Mon 19 Sep 2011, 8:45, closed)

this is genius
YOU FACKIN' YOGHURT!!!!
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Mon 19 Sep 2011, 19:49, closed)