According to the the advertisements on the tellybox this week, colossal bell-end and fat-tongued Mockney twat Jamie Oliver* has set up some sort of class-room experiment for kids who didn't want to learn.

Art is being taught by Rolf Harris and PE is being taught by Daley Thompson.

What teachers do you wish you had when you were at school?

Alt: Dinner/Evening plans.

*I'll watch it, because as much as his campaigning annoys me, I do actually believe his heart is in the right place.

EDIT: A full list of teachers can be found on his website www.jamieoliver.com/tv-books/jamies-dream-school
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 18:45, 94 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

I reckon that Brian Cox would make a good science teacher
and Ainsley Harriott for Home Ec, he definitely wouldn't invade the personal space of the sixth-form girls. Stephen Fry for history, Hugh Laurie for drama and they'd be great together in the end-of-year gig. Rolf Harris could teach art and Daley Thompson would be great for PE.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 18:49, Reply)

I like him and I don't care who knows it.
I've just had fresh spagetti with crab and chilli. Nomnomnom.
( girlinthehole, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 18:49, Reply)

Murdering crustaceans now are we?

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 18:50, Reply)

They were already dead.

( girlinthehole, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 18:51, Reply)

Next thing you know you'll be standing over a dead cow with a pickaxe in one hand and a griddle pan in the other.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 18:52, Reply)

Nah! the cows have lovely big eyes.

( girlinthehole, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 18:53, Reply)

And tasty behinds.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 18:54, Reply)

just like your wife

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 18:55, Reply)

Younoesit.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 18:58, Reply)

have you ever fed a cow?
scary beasts
( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 18:54, Reply)

I leave that to the farmer.

( girlinthehole, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:00, Reply)

What if the farmer wants a wife?
Would you help then
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:10, Reply)

I'm too sophisticated to be a farmer's wife.

( girlinthehole, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:11, Reply)

are you saying that Madame Poulet isn't sophisticated?

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:14, Reply)

She is sophisticated. That is why she is no longer a farmer's wife.

( girlinthehole, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:22, Reply)

bah
you and your "facts"
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:29, Reply)

what sort of animal lover are you anyway

( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:24, Reply)

A sensible one.

( girlinthehole, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:28, Reply)

that is among my favourite dishes
good job. maybe there is a future for us after all...
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 18:51, Reply)

GET IN!!!!

( girlinthehole, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 18:52, Reply)

don't mind if I do!
*unzips*
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 18:55, Reply)

Your dinner makes me think of this
www.youtube.com/watch?v=OosYFs3cyZ8&feature=related
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 18:57, Reply)

You're a strange man.

( girlinthehole, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 18:59, Reply)

I'd quite have liked to have teachers who weren't colossal cunts to be honest
although I reckon Brian Blessed would make a brilliant teacher. You'd never be bored in his class, although you might have tinnitus in the class after.
No dinner plans. By the time I get home I will probably be too knackered to do anything other than dip ritz crackers in to a tub of dairylea. /sigh
(berk, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 18:55, Reply)

Who would you want teaching Home Economics*?
*Or whatever it's called these days.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 18:59, Reply)

Germaine Greer.

( girlinthehole, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 18:59, Reply)

I bet she can't cook for shit
and she is annoying

I'd want Heston Blumenthal. or Gary and George from Masterchef Australia.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:01, Reply)

She's a famous feminist.....hence the joke I was making.

( girlinthehole, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:02, Reply)

I am aware of that Chompy

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:03, Reply)

THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU LAUGH.

( girlinthehole, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:03, Reply)

I'm laughing on the inside

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:06, Reply)

Do a haha just for me.

( girlinthehole, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:12, Reply)

haha

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:13, Reply)

Fanku!

( girlinthehole, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:23, Reply)

I don't need anyone to teach me home ec
*sniffs haughtily* I know all that shit already.
(berk, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:03, Reply)

But what if there was some cookery-type-bod you could learn more from?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:13, Reply)

I'm sure there is
but I don't think that would come under the heading of 'home ec' though. I would actually quite enjoy being a proper chef I think, I can make cake and cook a decent meal but there's definitely room for improvement.
(berk, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:20, Reply)

I'll bet you'd love it if Mr Kipling was the teacher.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:22, Reply)

Nigella maybe
I'm not remotely gay but I totally would.
(berk, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:25, Reply)

I would roger her so hard.
my mrs can't stand her and can't understand why anyone would.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:29, Reply)

The chances are
Your Mrs can't stand her as she fully understands why people would.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:30, Reply)

no, she is usually very honest about that sort of thing
she finds nigella very annoying and doesn't think she is good looking
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:34, Reply)

She is a very pretty lady
is clever and can cook and looks like a proper filthy minx. What's not to like?
(berk, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:31, Reply)

also, she's quite minted

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:34, Reply)

I wouldn't mind being taught to sew/dressmake/embroider properly.

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:31, Reply)

First you must practise your crochet :)

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:41, Reply)

My old maths teacher was ex-army (engineering corps) and you could hear him two rooms away.
He didn't shout, he just a loud delivery.
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:18, Reply)

so far this evening I have done some work
and caned it up and down the pool. I concluded that I haven't been swimming hard enough, and so have done 50 odd lengths tonight as fast as possible. As a result I am a bit wibbly.

Dinner will be a surprise again because I'm in Dorset.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 18:57, Reply)

Looking at it, that school looks fucking AWESOME.
Robert Winston? Fuck yeah! Simon Callow! David Starkey! Jazzie Fucking B!
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:04, Reply)

Cherie Fucking Blair though?
jesus christ.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:09, Reply)

Let's hope the students harrangue her till she cries.

( girlinthehole, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:12, Reply)

cries herself to death

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:12, Reply)

What is she going to teach?
Fiddling expenses, history according to Tony, dentistry, how to talk scouse. These are all things I could have done with at school.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:13, Reply)

being a useless fucking bitch
and ugly to boot
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:14, Reply)

I bet the interview for becoming a judge was a tricky one.
"What does your husband do?"
"He's the prime minister."
"What colour robe would you like?"
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:21, Reply)

hahaha

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:23, Reply)

'How to get someone with previous for fraud to act as your estate agent' is her specialist subject.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:14, Reply)

Where's Hutch?
Oh...Starkey...
( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:25, Reply)

I really like Jamie Oliver, I would love to be his mate or get involved with him work-wise in some way or another. I really truley would, he would be an amazing mentor. Like a big brother or something.
For dinner I was making a pasta sauce, done it a few times, using mustards creme fresh and chives. Normally I have it with peas, sweetcorn and aspagous. but this time I added blue cheese to it and OMG, it would be so amazing with steak, I wish I was having steak with it now, it's too strong for the pasta.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:09, Reply)

sounded good until you mentioned blue cheese
I find it too strong and not pleasant and for that reason I'm out.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:11, Reply)

I was wrong about the steak, this is awesomely nice, really fresh and has that sweetness.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:27, Reply)

good stuff
I've come to the conclusion that I appreciate other people having good food almost as much as I appreciate having it myself.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:35, Reply)

I totally agree, even more so, I love making people happy, and seeing people happy with something I've made.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:52, Reply)

definitely
*firm handshakes*
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:56, Reply)

I would have loved to have been taught by some of these celebs.
But where is the celebrity metalwork teacher?
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:17, Reply)

I reckon James Dyson would be good for that sort of thing.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:21, Reply)

Yes, or, if he could be raised from the dead,
Fred Dibnah.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:22, Reply)

Of if you live on a sink estate and the school has no budget at all
Handy Andy and Tommy Walsh.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:24, Reply)

So long as they bring Dimmock'c charleys They can start tomorrow.

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:27, Reply)

Major Dick Strawbridge

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:31, Reply)

Of course, I forgot him.

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:33, Reply)

I thought that

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:33, Reply)

yup
famous people will always be the best teachers. Although rolf harris would have been a very cool art teacher, as would tony hart. They were my biggest artistic influences when I was a kid
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:28, Reply)

Is that italic irony?

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:28, Reply)

yes

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:32, Reply)

Evening miserable member of the teaching community.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:29, Reply)

evening
I am not miserable, just tired. Also bored of boring meetings and paperwork
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:33, Reply)

Haven't you just had a week off?

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:35, Reply)

in which I marked and did paperwork
Don't get me wrong, I did some chillin, but when you get back the number of 'emails with a list of things they want you to do now' seems to double. I wish I could just teach
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:36, Reply)

I do sympathise, my partner was always prepping and marking during holidays.

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:41, Reply)

It's not so bad
I like it way more than office work or shop work. Mostly because when I am teaching I have a trapped audience for my shitty jokes and rants
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:45, Reply)

In today's celebrity culture driven society I guess anything is worth a try to engage kids in subjects.

( girlinthehole, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:31, Reply)

Passion and knowledge of a subject can shine through
but, the teacher needs some teaching skills as well.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:31, Reply)

exactly
also, I bet they are shit at paperwork
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:32, Reply)

Maybe they've been vetted to some extent and they do have some skills in that direction.

( girlinthehole, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:33, Reply)

Perhaps
I just imagine they'd teach them for a very short time, then bugger off. NOt that I've read the link or anything, I'm being reactionary
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:35, Reply)

I guess it is just a TV experiment but one that might shed light on how best to engage kids.
Or it might just be a pile of toss. *shrugs*
( girlinthehole, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:37, Reply)

I think it probably is a good thing, really
especially if they use it to make unpopular subjects a bit trendy.
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:40, Reply)

Jenna Jameson Sex education

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:30, Reply)

Jenna Haze
mmmm
( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:32, Reply)

Extracurricular activities would be popular, I'm sure.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:33, Reply)

there is a guy on Come Dine With Me.
I want to destroy him.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:38, Reply)

watch something else?

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:45, Reply)

I'm too committed to it now

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:47, Reply)

Steady on there, I thought that was Darths forte

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:48, Reply)

haha you bastard

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:49, Reply)

My only zing of the day

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:50, Reply)

it was well executed
kudos
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:52, Reply)

fanks

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 19:53, Reply)

I dog-sit some fucking naughty dogs who shit more brains than Jamie Oliver
I have spoken yo
(Alfonso Bongo BELL AIRE HORSE EXTRAORDINAIRE, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 23:48, Reply)