Sweet Jesus
Do you ever stop talking like your living in some yuppie wet dream.

No one gives a fuck, but the ladies are too poilte to say so, and the chaps endure it in the hope you'll gaz them a pic of your freshly waxed (at a top salon, costing £120) clopper.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 8:30, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

I must defend Swipey's shallowness.

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 8:31, Reply)

In my defence
I frequently point out that she talks an awful lot of shit.

Do you have anything that is interesting to contribute?
(Bazongaloid, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 8:32, Reply)

he's going to contribute a picture of his freshly-waxed clopper.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 8:36, Reply)

He waxes his face?

(Bazongaloid, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 8:36, Reply)

Woohoo!
Hi sexy!
( girlinthehole, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 8:38, Reply)

Good Morning
how are you today?
(Bazongaloid, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 8:41, Reply)

Bad mood.
Speeding summons, I've missed invoicing a job from ages ago which my dad will bollock me for and no messages from lonely men.
( girlinthehole, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 8:43, Reply)

Boo.
I got to do a speed awareness course rather than take points, I'm waiting for them to tell me how to book it.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 8:47, Reply)

I'm not sure I want to do a speed awareness course.
I always know what speed I'm doing : )
( girlinthehole, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 8:49, Reply)

I knew what speed I was doing
I just didn't know that the speed limit for my van was 10mph less than the speed I was driving.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 8:50, Reply)

I also knew what speed I was doing last time
I merely didn't think that the speed limit was sensible for the car concerned, the road and the conditions. Turns out the court doesn't think that's a viable defence, strangely.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 8:53, Reply)

The speed limit has changed for the road I was on about 5 months ago.
Why is anyone's guess. There's been no accidents that I'm aware of.
( girlinthehole, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 8:53, Reply)

there's a stretch of dual carriageway in Edinburgh
that has come from 50 to 40 to 30 in the 5 years I've been here. To protect people crossing the road. It's a dual fucking carriageway, with fences. If I kill someone trying to run across that rather than use the underpass or the crossing, it's bastard Darwinian.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 8:56, Reply)

Calder Road?
Is that down to 30mph now? Christ.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Thu 24 Mar 2011, 9:53, Reply)

Ask dchurch
he will explain about how it's all a conspiracy by the banks and the government.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 8:56, Reply)

It's not a conspiracy.
However the general move to keep absolutely everybody safe, even the really stupid, all the time, has gone way too far. See also: spending millions on adverts telling people that unmanned level crossing might just be dangerous. If you can't work out that two metal tracks occasionally contain hurtling piles of heavy death, then you're lower on the evolutionary scale than an Irish Setter and why excatly are we wasting our time and money keeping you alive against all the odds?
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 9:05, Reply)

it's to prevent disruption to the train
not to protect the idiots
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 9:22, Reply)

excuse me
Irish setters are not dim, as commonly believed - just as single minded as swipey on the pull
(CheatingRabbit, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 11:25, Reply)

what sort of van and what sort of road?

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 9:21, Reply)

Transit Connect
Dual Carriageway. Limit is 60mph if you vehicle has a gross weight of over 2000kg.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 9:38, Reply)

that's a bastard
I intend to get a VW T5 at the end of the year and turn it into a camper, but don't think I am going to meet the criteria to get it reclassified from a van by the DVLA. So will have to bear those speed limits in mind
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 9:43, Reply)

Will my freshly waxed arsehole do?

(Cancer Joy was short lived, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 8:38, Reply)

oh, I dunno. That's not what I was bidding for.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 8:39, Reply)

musky

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 9:02, Reply)

Anything interesting to contribute?
Hmmmmm, let me think.

Well, my sister in law got headbutted by her rugger bugger husband at the weekend, and had him arrested. But he got away with it, lack of evidence, no witnesses etc. She is now swithering about forgiving him etc, despite the mass protestations by her family.

So my question is, if there are no witnesses, do I have carte blanche to kick his fucking head in and get away with it?
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 8:37, Reply)

Don't leave any DNA and you will be OK.

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 8:39, Reply)

Since that's basically impossible
I'd suggest "no"
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 8:40, Reply)

Probably not legally
but morally, yeah why not.

He'll still get you arrested though and it's far more likely you'll get charged.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 8:41, Reply)

But, going by the Police's own mantra
No witnesses equals no charges.

Or does domestic abuse have a different set of rules?
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 8:43, Reply)

But that isn't the police's mantra,
you're just being facetious. Presumably if your SIL is talking about forgiving him, then she isn't pressing charges. And if she isn't pressing charges then there is nothing the police can do.

But if someone ends up in hospital who wants to press charges then they can more easily get enough evidence to charge you. It's not certain by any means, but it's more likely.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 8:46, Reply)

No, it doesn't
and they don't need witnesses. What they need is solid case. They obviously haven't got one. Shit though might be in this case, there's no point blaming the police. We have a balanced justice system for a reason. If the CPS won't press then there is limited chance of a conviction.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 8:46, Reply)

She did press charges.
But like you say, not a strong enough case.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 9:10, Reply)

So she's going back to him, despite seeking a formal charge against him for assault
Is it any wonder that the Police aren't willing to pursue the matter.
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 9:14, Reply)

Never said that.
I said she was 'swithering'. Her resolve isn't as strong as we had hoped. But she is an intelligent girl who has the support of her family, so hopefully she will see it through.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 9:39, Reply)

it would serve you right if he hit her so hard that she bled to death in a crushed little heap
and then your wife got so depressed at losing her beloved sister that she realised life is too short to be stuck with a mean-spirited insufferable cat-killing cunt and left you though.

is that less tedious?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 9:53, Reply)

That's awful but no reason to pick of Rswipe.
If it's you're sister-in-law, doesn't that make her husband your brother?
( girlinthehole, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 8:42, Reply)

I was thinking this
Unless it's his wife's sister, of course.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 8:43, Reply)

Ah yes!

( girlinthehole, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 8:44, Reply)

She is my wifes sister
And he is a navel gazing cunt.

In my defence I wasn't picking on Rswipe, merely pointing out that her vaccuous posts are incredibly tedious.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 8:45, Reply)

Only to you. Most people like to hear her tales from the upwardly mobile set.
Although I should imagine she expects to be riled for her yuppie lifestyle like I expect to be riled for my Bridget Jones waffling.
( girlinthehole, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 8:47, Reply)

As things to have the piss taken out of you go,
"You're so fucking rich" beats the fuck out of "you're gay, needy and whiney"
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 8:54, Reply)

To be fair, we don't take the piss out of her for being rich
we take the piss out of her complete lack of self awareness that she is in fact very rich, and yet thinks she's almost on the breadline.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 8:55, Reply)

Actually, I take the piss out of her for moaning that she pays too much tax.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 8:57, Reply)

and I take the piss out of her for being fucking daft

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 9:14, Reply)

I was under the impression that she was well aware that she was very rich
and likes to play on this. But you've known her longer than me and have had more chance to develop memes
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 8:58, Reply)

Well, pretending that you were being ironic is a very easy defence to thow up on the internet.

(Bazongaloid, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 9:04, Reply)

Good point
Very difficult to claim I'm being camp in an ironic fashion
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 9:12, Reply)

You can't really claim your obesity is ironic though
No more than I can claim my chins are.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 9:24, Reply)

Don't forget whiney

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 8:56, Reply)

and needy

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 8:56, Reply)

You're adding them faster than I can update
Thanks for the reminder though. What would I do without you
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 8:57, Reply)

Oh, I could go on all morning treacle

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 8:59, Reply)

That's not what I've heard
But graffiti is an unreliable source at the best of times
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 8:59, Reply)

zing.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 9:02, Reply)

Nice

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 9:03, Reply)

Morning mate
Sleep any better last night?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 9:05, Reply)

I did actually
Cracked open a nice bottle of red and that helped I think
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 9:19, Reply)

That sounds fucking lovely
I would give anything to be sat outside right now with a glass of wine, listening to TMS.

God I'm old.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 9:21, Reply)

That is not old
It is class!
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 9:24, Reply)

Thank you!
Hang on, surely you don't like cricket - it doesn't exist in your part of the world, does it?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 9:32, Reply)

Apart from the mighty Durham?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 9:32, Reply)

*cough*SHITE*cough*
Forgive my arrogance, being from Nottinghamshire has certain advantages at this point in time
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 9:35, Reply)

We haven't done too bad in recent years
I've only been to about 2 or 3 games and thoroughly enjoyed them.
Sitting in the sun drinking beer whilst occasionally perusing the sport seem exceedingly English
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 9:39, Reply)

It used to be a favourite pasttime of mine
Then I moved to Norfolk where cricket is viewed with suspicion as a new-fangled invention
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 9:46, Reply)

Liking the edit

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 9:04, Reply)