Mornin'
I am on a new health drive. Well, a drive that preferably means I am not slowly killing myself.

This means bran products for breakfast and not grilled or fried pork products. Is bran the worst breakfast ever?

Alt: Weight loss tips that involve no effort or sacrifice?
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 10 May 2011, 8:21, 66 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Tapeworms.

( girlinthehole, Tue 10 May 2011, 8:23, Reply)

On toast or with milk?

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 10 May 2011, 8:26, Reply)

Just slip it down your throat. They're quite slippery with mucous.

( girlinthehole, Tue 10 May 2011, 8:30, Reply)

Sounds yummy.
I had All Bran this morning which tastes like wood shavings.

What does a trim, discerning lady like yourself do to keep so fit?
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 10 May 2011, 8:33, Reply)

I go to the gym.
Then I go home and undo all my good work with a bottle of wine. Although I have cut out the pizzas.
( girlinthehole, Tue 10 May 2011, 8:35, Reply)

Got it.
Wine and pizzas.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 10 May 2011, 8:37, Reply)

To be honest I've got to the stage where as long as I'm fit and healthy then that will do.
My belly has been with me for so long that it's refusing to go and unless I starve myself nothing will change.

And I like a drinky poo.
( girlinthehole, Tue 10 May 2011, 8:40, Reply)

How fat are you?
Are you a fat sweaty mess that takes up two seats on the tube with an impenetrable fug of BO about you? Does your wife complain that she is no longer comfortable with being seen with you in public?
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 10 May 2011, 8:32, Reply)

Not quite.
Currently 6'3" and 16 st 9lbs. Need to lose about a stone and a half.

The tube is not a nice place in the summer for the larger gent.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 10 May 2011, 8:35, Reply)

You're in heart attack territory that's for sure, that summer heat on the tube will really pile the pressure on
Stay strong, but for goodness sake stop raiding the fridge after your wifes gone to bed and gorging your fat gob.
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 10 May 2011, 8:40, Reply)

Oh Rory!
You're such a sweet guy to care.
( girlinthehole, Tue 10 May 2011, 8:41, Reply)

*weeps*
Thanks mate.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 10 May 2011, 8:46, Reply)

It won't be a pretty sight, he'll have keeled over and be thrashing around in the aisle gurgling for his life, whilst the dispassionate morning commuters look on thinking Christ I hope they don't delay this tube because of that fat cunt

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 10 May 2011, 8:46, Reply)

I love you like a fat kid love cake
/50
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 10 May 2011, 8:51, Reply)

Speaking of fat cunts.....
There's this fat girl that goes to my gym. AND SHE NEVER SWEATS!! I leave the gym looking like I've been dumped in a barrel of water and she just has a slight sheen on her face. Bitch!
( girlinthehole, Tue 10 May 2011, 8:51, Reply)

Botox

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 10 May 2011, 8:58, Reply)

She's one of the fat cunts that turn up, get changed, wander around the exercise area whilst surreptitiously munching on a mars bar or five for the 'energy' and then goes home lauding her gym achievements
Don't worry bgb she'll always be a fat cunt
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 10 May 2011, 8:58, Reply)

This^
I used to see loads of people at the gym doing this
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 10 May 2011, 8:59, Reply)

They seem happy enough

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 10 May 2011, 9:01, Reply)

Not when they had to pull their fat fucking pie-filled faces up the stairs after though

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 10 May 2011, 9:02, Reply)

Annoyingly I have a link to a fat lion picture
I was waiting for the perfect storm of Rory and a fat thread to use it and now it's arrived and the link is on my home PC. Curses!
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 10 May 2011, 9:22, Reply)

Aha!

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 10 May 2011, 9:30, Reply)

That's my cousin Alfonso, or fat cunt as he's known behind his back

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 10 May 2011, 9:39, Reply)

*Champs back at ya*
Make your own museli to eat of a morning. Go to one of the Food WeighHouse type places and get lots of the things you like to eat (dried cranberries, nuts, raisins, etc.) and a load of rolled oats, bran, etc.

Chop all the fruit and nuts up small and mix them all together. A metric fuckton tastier than fucking All Bran and you will be more likely to continue eating it. Cheap as chips too

What do you have at lunchtime? I lost 3st by simply bringing one sandwich instead of two and eating more fruit.

Get off the tube one stop earlier and walk for a bit. Only takes 10 mins extra but that is 100 mins extra exercise a working week
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 10 May 2011, 8:50, Reply)

I tried making my own museli but it doesn't taste as nice as Alpen, and I have the no suger version.
I just get Alpen, take the raisens out and add chopped nuts.
( girlinthehole, Tue 10 May 2011, 8:53, Reply)

You can also "zing" up shitty cheap museli the same way

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 10 May 2011, 8:59, Reply)

Nice advice.
A lot less sugar in the muesli I bet.

Earlier tube stop is good advice too.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 10 May 2011, 9:01, Reply)

The fruit tastes better than the sugar in museli
You can also eat more!
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 10 May 2011, 9:02, Reply)

Gin and slim
The gentleman's dietry aid
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 10 May 2011, 8:52, Reply)

Best advice yet.
Drink this until you forget to eat
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 10 May 2011, 9:00, Reply)

It also contains 1 of your five a day in a slice of lime

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 10 May 2011, 9:01, Reply)

It costs a fucking fortune on a night out though!

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 10 May 2011, 9:01, Reply)

Well if you diet hard enough and don't eat before you go out you can counter act this

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 10 May 2011, 9:03, Reply)

No, no, no
You drink G&T through the day instead of food. Drink normally on a night out
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 10 May 2011, 9:03, Reply)

I used to eat Subway most days, I simply changed from sandwiches to salads, but still getting the same meat on it
Lazy as hell, and it helped me lose shitloads of weight. Also, for the laziest weight losing method I had, change any potato products you have with tea for either a jacket potato, or, if you only have a small oven tray, cook waffles, as you can only fit so many on, so they're easier to regulate than chips or waffles.

Strange ones I know, but my weight dropped when I started doing both of those.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 10 May 2011, 8:53, Reply)

This is the strangest advice I've ever read

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 10 May 2011, 8:56, Reply)

Where's your mate today?

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 10 May 2011, 9:01, Reply)

He got banned
So I'll never get my name back
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 10 May 2011, 9:02, Reply)

Sadtimes, still it sounded like a variant of Baldmonkey, or did that ever cross your mind?

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 10 May 2011, 9:03, Reply)

I don't know his style well enough to guess

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 10 May 2011, 9:06, Reply)

EGGS!! CATLEGS!!! WAKI WAKI WAKI!!!

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 10 May 2011, 9:09, Reply)

You was it then?
B.E.R.T.?
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 10 May 2011, 9:04, Reply)

Damned by his silence

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 10 May 2011, 9:10, Reply)

I meant who not you

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 10 May 2011, 9:15, Reply)

Yep, but it works

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 10 May 2011, 9:07, Reply)

Campbells meat balls are supposed
to be good if you are on a diet as they contain nothing nutritionally measurable.

But they taste of dog food. I imagine.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 10 May 2011, 9:03, Reply)

The ones in tomato sauce are actually OK

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 10 May 2011, 9:04, Reply)

This is exactly the wrong idea
You need nutritious food that is low in fat, saturated fat, simple carbohydrates, salt and sugar.

simple
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 10 May 2011, 9:05, Reply)

Thank you professor doctor McKeith

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 10 May 2011, 9:09, Reply)

*offers poo*

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 10 May 2011, 9:11, Reply)

Just eat less and exercise more.
And do it before you hit 40 because it's a fucker to shift in middle age.
( girlinthehole, Tue 10 May 2011, 9:11, Reply)

This is the worry tbh.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 10 May 2011, 9:22, Reply)

I'm going to go on a walk every day. At least three miles
My fitness level is that of a chain smoking overweight 26 year old
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 10 May 2011, 9:13, Reply)

Tis a good idea, I try to walk back from work everyday, and it's about that distance

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 10 May 2011, 9:16, Reply)

New dog = two extra walks for me a day

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 10 May 2011, 9:16, Reply)

aww walking with dogs is more fun
But I need to break my new walking boots in. So I think I shall be nosing at peoples houses :p
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 10 May 2011, 9:21, Reply)

We have loads of open ground just near our house to lots of places for Charlie to have a good sniff
/montylols
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 10 May 2011, 9:22, Reply)

I sware down I'd better not find you rooting around with my bins

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 10 May 2011, 9:35, Reply)

nah
your bins were boring
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 10 May 2011, 9:45, Reply)

I shred everything
/tinfoil hatter
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 10 May 2011, 9:51, Reply)

Right I have to go and do some work today
If you see me here tell me to piss off
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 10 May 2011, 9:15, Reply)

Piss off.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 10 May 2011, 9:15, Reply)

Just like normal then?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 10 May 2011, 9:16, Reply)

I'm 5'10" ish
and I was 13st 13lb when I joined the gym. I got down to 13st 1lb in 12 weeks and 18 months later I'm 13st 2lb. I am mostly eating healthier now but I still have too much pizza and booze.

I suspect this is where a personal trainer would help, actually, as they push you to exercise harder than you would otherwise and tell you off for eating crap.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 10 May 2011, 9:29, Reply)

I'm 6'1" and 14 stone
Built big it would seem
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 10 May 2011, 9:31, Reply)

99% of the guys who go to my gym are shorter than me and I'm only 5'10".

( girlinthehole, Tue 10 May 2011, 9:45, Reply)