Hello, good morning and welcome.
On Sunday, my daughter goes to Spain for three weeks. This, coupled with Lusty's job in the hospitality industry (and therefore frequent evening and weekend work), leaves my weekends worryingly empty.

Can you please help me to think of some cheap and healthy things I could do to prevent my doing Bad Things Which I Cannot Afford? I will of course 'fuck off' and 'kill myself' so no need to pass on these helpful tips. I will also already be 'doing' 'your mum' as well as 'my mum' etc. etc.

Alt: my friend texted me last night to tell me that he's bought me a pair of German Army sneakers (actual Army issue ones) and wants no money for them. When did someone last suprise you with their generosity and how did they do this? And yes, I said 'sneakers' - do you want a fucking fight about it?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 8:21, 205 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

At the risk of being called a cunt.
I see that your daughter will be out of the country on FATHERS DAY.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 8:26, Reply)

Tough shit on me innit.
Again.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 8:33, Reply)

Pftt! You know where I am.
I'm cheap and healthy too.

And Aber is having a party weekend after next. Come and join the fun!

Edit: Also, having googled German army sneakers, I can't see what all the fuss is about.
( girlinthehole, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 8:26, Reply)

You're everbody's healthy option.

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 8:29, Reply)

Innit.

( girlinthehole, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 8:29, Reply)

I like them.
They're quite obscure, not one of the big brands and they are free. I am a trainer nerd (retired) and hadn't heard of them before.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 8:32, Reply)

Free is always good.

( girlinthehole, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 8:33, Reply)

Not necessarily. I once got crabs free*.


*well, I think I may have exchanged them for a couple of drinks
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 8:34, Reply)

This is a joke. I have never had crabs.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 8:34, Reply)

Hahah!

( girlinthehole, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 8:36, Reply)

Quite an achievement given some of the many poor penis-based decisions I have made in my life.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 8:38, Reply)

Me too!

( girlinthehole, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 8:39, Reply)

Thanks.

( wanderlust, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 9:10, Reply)

Haha!
oops
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 9:11, Reply)

Oh don't tell me you have a penis.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 9:59, Reply)

Yes - yours

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:09, Reply)

Where is Abo these days? Not still 'oop North'?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 8:37, Reply)

Check your gaz box.

( girlinthehole, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 8:37, Reply)

Follow women round the park, whilst occasionally 'tying' up your laceless trainers

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 8:44, Reply)

...carrying a hammer.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:00, Reply)

Cook!
make elaborate stuff and freeze portions.

Admittedly I'm saying this because I just put a lamb stew in the slow cooker and I want it to be all about me.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 8:46, Reply)

This is a good idea

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 9:07, Reply)

I concur
everything should be all about me, I'm glad we're on the same page.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 9:40, Reply)

*trigger fingers*

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 9:44, Reply)

You can come and help me kickstart my garden makeover.
I have rakes, shovels, dibbers and even an electric hoe, which probably sounds more exciting than it really is.

Found a bag of balls on my doorstep last week, ooer.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 8:47, Reply)

See how many times you can mastrubate over a weekend, and then try and beat it the next weekend.
I reckon I could get up to 3 times in the 48 hour period.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 8:55, Reply)

Hahaha!
Why only over the weekend?
( girlinthehole, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 8:56, Reply)

3 times in 48 hours
Must try harder
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 9:09, Reply)

David N'Gog
Must try harder
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 9:11, Reply)

Fuck yeah
Big nosed fucking useless cunt
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 9:15, Reply)

Well you do need a striker
Sorry, you STILL need a striker. David N'Gog is as much a striker as I am a convincing heterosexual.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 9:16, Reply)

This^
with pink sparkly tassles on
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 9:44, Reply)

*points and laughs at Sportscow*

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 9:26, Reply)

I agree
He is the worst player I have seen in the Premier League - and I support Sunderland!
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 9:44, Reply)

You can give yourself an exertion headache that way
then every time you go at it you get a crippling headache. It's not fun, especially the "no exertion for 7-10 days MIGHT cure it".
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 9:42, Reply)

Come and have dinner in Oxford
no Bad Things You Can't Afford up here. Barring that museum time!

Alt: nothing recently, sad times.
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 8:58, Reply)

That sounds marvellous. And I can get to Oxford v cheaply.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 9:49, Reply)

Go for a jog under the Thames, that doesn't cost anything
Visit each stop on the Monopoly board IRL in the quickest time possible with a group of other people called Monty and film it for a Dave Gorman-like one-off 'comedy' special called 'Montopoly'.

Alt: My youngest son is very generous, any sweets or crisps he has he'll always automatically share with whoever else is around.
( Bill Clay a.k.a. Claudio, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 9:01, Reply)

Is this a nice way of saying drown yourself?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 9:07, Reply)

No, for reals. Even though Monty did say he'd burn my house down with me in it
There's a foot tunnel under the Thames near the Cutty Sark, it's really cool.
( Bill Clay a.k.a. Claudio, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 9:14, Reply)

Nice tip.
I live pretty much on the Regent's canal which is a good running route.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 9:50, Reply)

Go for an evening stroll somewhere different each day while the weather is nice
Healthy and free
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 9:07, Reply)

That's already been covered Sportscrow

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 9:09, Reply)

Where?
*crraaarrrmmoooo*
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 9:10, Reply)

I'm going to be a health nut cunt and suggest jogging too
You did mention that you went for a run the other day, so you're aware of its rewarding and invigorating properties. And you don't want to develop the "settled relationship stomach" that seems to be happening to a surprising number of my formerly thin, formerly single friends.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 9:13, Reply)

Clean your flat.
It's free and moving around your collection of books should be pretty decent exercise.
( wanderlust, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 9:14, Reply)

with the bonus of possible finds (maybe not even MDs)

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 9:17, Reply)

Last week I opened a drawer in the livingroom to find 'Ali G in Da House' on VHS.
Who knows what other delights lay in store?
( wanderlust, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 9:21, Reply)

Hahaha!

( girlinthehole, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 9:21, Reply)

That's pretty embarrasing.
Any more goodies that he would rather we not know about?
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 9:23, Reply)

I hate to say it, but probably not.

( wanderlust, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 9:30, Reply)

I find this hard to believe.
Some Tesco Value lager, perhaps.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 9:32, Reply)

Look it was the series, not the full-length film, OK?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:04, Reply)

It was like that moment in Partridge where Lynne finds his jazz-mags in the drawer.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:16, Reply)

The mind boggles as to the contents of said jazz-mags
Bangkok Chickboys may have only been the tip of the iceberg
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:21, Reply)

FUCK
First my fucking phone won't save my jog route from this morning so I can't bask in the self-satisfied glow of having run 9 miles (which is why I'm telling you now), and then the spike disappears off the back of my scaffold bar. Am bracing myself for the third bad thing to happen now
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 9:22, Reply)

We can never be together Darth.

( girlinthehole, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 9:22, Reply)

I'd sort of assumed that already babe
But I appreciate the thought
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 9:28, Reply)

Thought I'd better get it out the way while your were already down.

( girlinthehole, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 9:32, Reply)

Your delicacy is gratefully received
Is this because you think I'm a gay?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 9:35, Reply)

No.................................it's because you keep prattling on about football.

( girlinthehole, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 9:38, Reply)

And cricket!
You like cricket! You're geographically compelled to!
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 9:47, Reply)

Only because my nephew loves cricket.

( girlinthehole, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 9:52, Reply)

He is wise beyond his years

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 9:56, Reply)

Cricket is the business
My GF has just bought me a new bat. She's crazy like that.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 8 Jun 2011, 9:59, Reply)

Good morning Reverend
Can you account for your whereabouts, specifically pertaining to the England dressing room at Lord's, at around 3pm yesterday?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:02, Reply)

Good day to you young Darth
I was pissing myself laughing at the BBC internet text commentary on the 'WindowGate' furore. Lolarious.

At our game on Saturday the other team had a batsman who was a complete helmet. Shouting 'fuck' at the top of his voice all the time, belittling his batting partner, etc. Re-taking his guard after every ball. "Is that off-stump?"...."Is that off-stump?"....etc. What a tool.

When we got him out he went over to the scorer to find out how many he'd got.

"29? 29? Is that all? That's fucking shit!" he bellowed at the young lady doing the scorebook. He then proceeded to hit his bat off anything and everything on his way into the dressing room.

My GF apparently used to go to school with him. He had big ginger hair back then and was bullied relentlessly.

We were all for taking him back to his school days round the back of the pavillion, the spoilt little arsehole.

So how's you mate?
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:12, Reply)

What a quality fellow
I knew many like him at school, they were mostly the bullies though. Very sad when a child can be harrassed so much that he wishes to become like those who abuse him *cough*Rory*cough*

Very well thank you sir. Tell me of this bat your GF has kindly bought you.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:16, Reply)

He's an only child, spoiled by parents, then beaten shitless at school as a result.
And it's not taught him any lessons at all. How he's made it to his late 30s without getting a cricket stump up his rusty sheriff's badge is quite beyond me.

Edit: the parallels with Rory seem uncanny, come to mention it.

She bought me a Kookaburra Kahuna 300. Over a hundred quid's worth. She does crazy shit like that. She bought me a load of kit for my last birthday - new boots, kit bag, pads, gloves, the works. She's nuts, but actually awesome.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:21, Reply)

A Kahuna 300?!
At the risk of exceeding the acceptable level of geekery, surely that's the Firebolt of the non-izarding world. You are a lucky fellow. Although you realise she'll be buying herself a better one soon enough.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:24, Reply)

Funnily enough,
She's bought herself some kit as well! She's been in the nets a few times, and played a couple of times as well. Sunday was the first time she'd batted though. She was out for a duck bless her, but she hung around for a couple of overs.

She's bought quite a cool 'ladies' bat. It's a Newbery Chic or something like that. Quite girly with a pink handle - you'd love it! ;-)
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:27, Reply)

KP uses a pink handled bat too

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:30, Reply)

And often bats like a girl.

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:34, Reply)

Unfair
He never bats like a girl, he always bats like a bloke. Sometimes that bloke is an absolute dickhead, that's all
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:37, Reply)

Well that's true - I was just being flippant
His technique is essentially flawed, and he's not really addressed it.

Ally Cook had technical failings, addressed them, and hasn't looked back. KP would do well to learn from that.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:39, Reply)

Cook is batting superbly at the moment
On current form he must be the best opening batsman in the world, if the world were reconfigured to not include India. And you're quite right about KP, he seems to have deemed the most simple lesson of batting - leave the good balls, punish the bad ones - unimportant to a man of his considerable gifts.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:45, Reply)

Exactly
If this was his first year in international cricket he'd have been dropped before now, but because he's "established" then he gets away with it.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:51, Reply)

And there are very few middle-order batsmen in the world, let alone England
who can score runs like he can when he's on form.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 11:02, Reply)

Yes but his periods of form are becoming few and far between.

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 8 Jun 2011, 11:07, Reply)

Agreed
He needs to re-evaluate his batsmanship if he wants to claim a place as one of the game's greats. And I think we all know he does.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 11:12, Reply)

Howzat?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:02, Reply)

Not out
My closet is fucking huge
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:06, Reply)

huge empty now I have left it
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:06, Reply)

*sigh*
That was the joke, dear. Not out... of the closet
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:13, Reply)

I have been up since 4am
This is my excuse for everything today
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:18, Reply)

Including David N'Gog?
Sorry mate, one of our strikers is on his way to join the filth, I'm feeling unkind
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:24, Reply)

"Get back in the hut"
As our skipper would say. Our perhaps kennel in your case Jeff.

"Hot's on the left, cold's on the right."
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:06, Reply)

It's hutch. Get back in the hutch.
Your skipper is a FOOL. But we'd previously established this, I believe.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:09, Reply)

Well yes, he is. Most captains are.
My lad played for us on Sunday for the 1st time. He scored 6 not out. He was brilliant. I was so proud of him.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:14, Reply)

Superb!
How old is he?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:18, Reply)

He's 13. He's only had about 4 or 5 goes in the nets
and this was his first game. So much to try to teach him, there's only so much you can pass on in the nets though. Most of the learning is on the job, and you never stop learning.

He fielded really well as well. He was wearing my old whites, and they were only slightly too big for him, but you would hardly notice.

The skipper was full of praise for him - as well he should be, he scored 6 more runs than he did!
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:25, Reply)

Hahaha!
Good stuff, that'll keep you busy for a few years then mate
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:31, Reply)

I hope so, but he's at his mother's every other weekend and he plays a lot of other sports as well
But I'll try to drag him along as much as I can.

So what's new with you? How often you running these days? Is it a full marathon that you're training for?
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:36, Reply)

Did 9 miles this morning as it happens
I'm training for a half marathon this year for sure, and whether or not I end up doing a full one depends on how lucky I am with the ballot for the London 2012 marathon. Ms Foxtrot has put in for it too, but she is fucking dreading being selected!
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:38, Reply)

Well I think we can all guess what's going to happen
Darth - unsuccessful, Mrs Darth - oh shit.

So will she actually go ahead with it if she's successful? Or will you be donning a blonde wig and comedy breasts to take her place for the event?
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:42, Reply)

Hahaha... NO
If we both get in, she'll work fucking hard so we can do it together. If it's just me, I'll give it a go. Just her, and she'll skip the country for the whole of April
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:43, Reply)

That's a disgraceful attitude
If she gets in on her own she should just go for it. Who am I kidding, I'd run a fecking mile. Just one though - another 25 would be ridiculous.

I can't really fathom long distance runners. There's a guy who plays five-a-sides with us who does marathons - he's out running all the time, at the gym etc, obsessed. However, he runs the length of the hall at fives and he's bent over wheezing like Monty first thing in the morning. What's that all about?
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:48, Reply)

Belting down a hall is a different prospect from running long-distance at your own pace
but nonetheless, if he can run a marathon he should be fitter than that.

I have little interest in long distance running per se, but would quite like to have a marathon under my belt. I'm just doing it to lose weight
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 11:01, Reply)

Ah I see
I'd maybe give a 5 or a 10K a shot, but essentially running bores the hell out of me. This is my main problem.

I'd rather play cricket, footie, basketball etc, and occasional trips to the gym.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 8 Jun 2011, 11:04, Reply)

I quite agree, in principle
but the gym costs money and team sports require a team!

The keys to enjoying a run are good tunes, nice scenery and sunshine.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 11:12, Reply)

I live in Scotland, so 2 out of 3 of those are off the agenda!

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 8 Jun 2011, 11:14, Reply)

Nonsense
Scotland has some good bands...

*struggles to think of good Scottish band*

You can listen to non-Scottish bands!
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 11:19, Reply)

Idlewild?

( Kroney, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 11:23, Reply)

They were alright
A long time ago
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 11:26, Reply)

Darth Foxtrot:
Won't be helped.
( Kroney, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 11:28, Reply)

come to bris, we can go swimming

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 9:22, Reply)

Did you treat yourself to a new pair of verruca socks?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 9:52, Reply)

If not, no way Jose.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 9:54, Reply)

I know.
Start a thread on OT and then answer the first couple of people who reply, and then JUST FUCK OFF.

Alternatively, you could watch that episode of 'The Cook Report' I linked for you. May take less than 3 weeks to view
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 9:36, Reply)

*waves*
Morning my little canine puppy fiddler.
( girlinthehole, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 9:39, Reply)

*Waves back*
Good morning yourself!
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 9:40, Reply)

Get a room, you two.

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 9:41, Reply)

stop being such a bitch
Or Jeff will hump you
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 9:43, Reply)

A worrying prospect.
For Jeff, that is.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 9:48, Reply)

We're internet married.
We don't need a room.
( girlinthehole, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 9:51, Reply)

We could have a chat-room!

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 9:53, Reply)

Hurray!
*Buys cushions*
( girlinthehole, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:01, Reply)

*Puts the kettle on*

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:02, Reply)

Sorry, work got in the way momentarily.
I see Happybara's gone into advertising:
www.telegraph.co.uk/travel/picturegalleries/signlanguage/8559778/Sign-Language-week-155.html?image=5
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 9:53, Reply)

Haha!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 9:58, Reply)

I'm not going to tell you about surprise generosity
I'm going to tell you about surprise cuntness

I did a favour for a mate of mine, putting myself out greatly and saving him quite a bit of money and he sat in a house surrounded by alcohol and did he even offer me a drink? Did he fuck!
( Peej, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 9:55, Reply)

I wish I had a female friend who would put out and give me quite a bit of money.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 9:57, Reply)

Regardless of the favour you did, not offering someone a drink when in your home is bad manners.

( girlinthehole, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:03, Reply)

This^
First thing you do!
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:03, Reply)

At the very least you could open a can-can
*Bad Manners lolz*
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:04, Reply)

Hahaha

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:11, Reply)

...of 'Special Brew'

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:11, Reply)

Lip up!

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:13, Reply)

ALT:
As an IT chappie, I am forever fixing stuff on people's PCs.

Surprise gratitude for this came over Christmas when the snow was about 6" deep. Ring on the doorbell brings the bloke whose PC I rebuilt and upgraded with a case of Stella in a sledge!
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:03, Reply)

I'm going to give you a pathetic, girly answer
Make up a scrapbook for your daughter filled with all your memories of things you have done together. Write down how awesome she is and how proud you are of her and how she makes you feel when you are together. When she comes back, you can go through it together and she can tell you how she remembers the same things you did. Then you can add her text to it as well.

You will probably need to keep it at your place so the mental ex doesn't get her mitts on it. It may also stand you in good stead later for proving what a good relationship you have with Little'un.

Alt: I don't think I can remember the last time anyone did something surprisingly generous for me, as I generally tend to attract huge cuntiness. However, Bobby was very helpful recently in helping me with my CV - does that count?
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:05, Reply)

OR get that app for Facebook that spams the page with constant updates
about how your "Little Einstein" is doing.
( Kroney, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:07, Reply)

Someone on my fb feed has just had a baby
and she had that update thing. It continued all the way to 40 weeks, even after her c-section and the arrival of the baby.
I am not interested in other people's children. I'd barely be interested in my own, if I had any.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:10, Reply)

If I still had a Facebook account, which I don't.
I strongly suspect I'd immediately de-friend anybody who did that. I certainly did it with people who changed their avatar to a baby picture.
( Kroney, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:11, Reply)

My nephew gave me a hug the other day for absolutely no reason.
It was lovely.
( girlinthehole, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:07, Reply)

No reason...
So you've not just taken him on holiday and got him a new DS game then!
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:08, Reply)

He's already hugged me for them.

( girlinthehole, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:10, Reply)

I'm just teasing you silly.
Maybe he has completed his DS game and wants another one
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:11, Reply)

It's ideas like that which caused your buisiness to fail.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:08, Reply)

"I generally tend to attract huge cuntiness"
Thanks for proving my point, twatface.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:13, Reply)

Suck it up, anti-nonce

(PsychoChomp, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:15, Reply)

I'll leave the suckingto people who are better at it, thanks pal.
Like.... oh, I don't know.... you?
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:17, Reply)

Suckingto, was always my least favourite X-Man

(PsychoChomp, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:18, Reply)

And you are my least favourite b3tan
so that's fine.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:21, Reply)

This is a really good idea!
We made a scrapbook for Mrs Cow's daughter for our trip to Dublin as this was what she wanted for a Christmas present. We had everything we had done in it, and I had also kept all the flyers, receipts, etc.

We tried to make it a bit silly as she likes that kind of thing. She has just done the same for her friend's 21st brithday present
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:08, Reply)

Anyone in my family gets a scrapbook made up for a big birthday, and they always go down really well.
Except when DJ turned 30. I was under strict instructions not to make one for him.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:11, Reply)

That's quite a sweet idea.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:10, Reply)

I'm quite a sweet person, Monty.

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:11, Reply)

You're quite a sweaty person, b3th.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:13, Reply)

It's cos you make me so hot, Monty.

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:16, Reply)

*punches air*

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:32, Reply)

There's like a million museums in london
and parks and shit.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:05, Reply)

It's the night time that causes me the problems though.
Hanging around parks at night round my way is not a good idea.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:08, Reply)

You're welcome to come up and do bletchley park,
I have two friends who are almost as much WW2 fetishists as you are, and they're all pretty good at making curry and drinking beer.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:10, Reply)

Oh nice.
I've been meaning to see Bletchley Park before it all falls down - it's in a right fucking state, unless this has been fixed recently...
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:13, Reply)

It's been done up loads, actually a decent museum now.
They're building posh flats on the grounds, my friends put an offer on a flat in Turing Lane.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:14, Reply)

Excellent news.
I couldn't believe how neglected it was given its historical importance.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:17, Reply)

They've just finished rebuilding the Tunny Machine
www.theregister.co.uk/2011/05/26/bletchley_park_tunny_rebuild_project/
(PsychoChomp, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:22, Reply)

Any article that refers to 'Glorious pipe-smoking boffinry' is OK with me.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:31, Reply)

Alt: b3th's arrival has reminded me of her extaordinary generosity
in sending me an Earth Alliance pin badge and a copy of her Randomburn in the post. I'm not sure I can say I was surprised per se, as she is well known to be fucking awesome.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:08, Reply)

Damn fucking right.
Morning you.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:15, Reply)

Morning gorgeous
Thank you again
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:18, Reply)

Anyone noticed it yet?

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:22, Reply)

Yes actually
One of my colleagues gave it lingering, puzzled glance as I arrived. It was a look that said "I know I recognise that from somewhere, but I daren't ask lest it be really fucking obvious"
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:26, Reply)

It's a good way to weed out the people worth talking to.

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:29, Reply)

So are guns

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:31, Reply)

You've left it a bit late
But home-brew is the answer, make your own wine and ale and get spannered for a fraction of the cost.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:12, Reply)

My brother used to brew his own beer. It was rank.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:17, Reply)

Well make beer that is better than the piss your brother made.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:18, Reply)

Oh no it wasn't piss, more like meths.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:21, Reply)

Museums are still free.
Menu of your design for all meals over the weekend.

Fine wine.

Still significantly cheaper than MD's.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:24, Reply)

I think you underestimate how much debt he's in.
He'd be better off with Vimto.
( girlinthehole, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:26, Reply)

Doesn't have to be expensive grub sweetie.
Shoddy cuts=cook longer=sniff my ghoulash.

Sub wine with Merrydown.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:27, Reply)

Sniff my goulash?
*stealing that*
( girlinthehole, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:29, Reply)

SMELL MY CHEESE!

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:30, Reply)

Ew!

( girlinthehole, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:31, Reply)

Fine wine is one of the contributors to my current parlous finances...

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:34, Reply)

Emerging fine wines?

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:43, Reply)

Having been to quite an exciting tasting last Friday I am all about the emerging fine wines.
Quite a few of them were emerging from the front of my trousers after a bit. No spitting out into a bucket for me. Fuck that shit, fuck that shit.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:45, Reply)

Too right Mr Boyce.
Spitting wine out? That's for silky boys.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:46, Reply)

Appreciating fine wines is to me
getting a ten quid rioja on half price offer at Sainsbo's.

I've already had normal coffee ruined for me after trying whole bean coffee, so I daren't go to any wine tastings.
( Kroney, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:47, Reply)

Good enough.
Go to Majestic. You have to buy 6 bottles but most of it is a step up from the supermarket.

Get you. Sainsburys.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:50, Reply)

Sainsbury's for the staples and Waitrose for the fun stuff.
Waitrose shoppers tend to be horribly snobbish, but the stuff they stock doesn't seem to appear in other supermarkets.
( Kroney, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:52, Reply)

I like the cut of your jib.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:55, Reply)

Competitively-priced pig-based fatty goodness (well, one out of two ain't bad)
Get two or three of these: pig
Rub'em in plenty of salt and pepper and some woody herbs (sage, thyme, basil, rosemary) and stick in airtight container and refrigerate overnight, then pack fairly tightly into heavy casserole.
Melt a few of these over the meat: lard
Put in a 120 deg C oven for five to six hours.
Eat, trying to keep the fat from dribbling down your chin. Alternatively, home-made rillettes are a possibility.
Goes well with cheap(ish) red too!
(BrianHequator was stretching owls, on, or around, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 11:00, Reply)

Needs MOAR fat

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 11:07, Reply)

I'm always looking for sensible suggestions ... do tell?
It's jolly good with Sainbury's Morador Malbec, not bad for about £7.
(BrianHequator was stretching owls, on, or around, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 11:17, Reply)

I like wine that I can knock back a bottle of of an evening and still be fine for work the next day.

( girlinthehole, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:52, Reply)

Buckfast?

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:54, Reply)

Hahaha

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:56, Reply)

Pfft!
Valpolicella is nice.
( girlinthehole, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:57, Reply)

Hardys Crest Shiraz
Normally £10 but they always have offers on for two for a tenner. Fucking lovely stuff
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:55, Reply)

Douros is 2 for £10 at Tescos just now
fackin' laaaarvely.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:56, Reply)

I shall look it up at the weekend
I have about £20 of Clubcard vouchers to spend on goodies
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:59, Reply)

'they always have offers on for two for a tenner'
This is because it's only really worth a fiver and that's all they expect to get for it. This is also true of Kumala and all those other 'always on offer' supermarket wines. It's a con in exactly the same way as those sofa warehouses are. Yes, legally at some point they're 'full price' - just long enough to fulfil the legal requirements, then then 'discount' them to what was their projected selling price all along.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 11:00, Reply)

I happily pay £5 for it but wouldn't pay a tenner for a glug on a night

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 11:01, Reply)

It's perfectly drinkable and, at a fiver, fairly priced too.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 11:04, Reply)

Decent beers are starting to cost too much now
hence the switch to wine. My gin levels are starting to dip alarmingly now though. I need to test out other spirits.

I had a Jack Daniels the other night but I'm not a fan. Any ideas?
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 11:06, Reply)

Likewise the 3 for 2 deal in (the sadly missed) Threshers
They just over-priced everything by a third.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 11:04, Reply)

Oddbins was my favourite wine shop - now also gone I believe.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 11:04, Reply)

Supermarkets have killed the high street offy chain.
Budget Booze isn't good for wine.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 11:16, Reply)

On the subject of supermarkets
does anyone know one that does Provolone? Even the big Tesco near me doesn't, and nor do Waitrose or Sainsburys it appears.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 11:10, Reply)

Sign up to become a special constable
There's a woman in our office who did it and passed the training a couple of months ago, she's just found out she's on duty at Glastonbury on the Sunday.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:55, Reply)

There may be a drugs test
Monty would score 100%
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 11:00, Reply)

I was trying to think of a witty comment to make regarding my suggestion
But I figured I'd let it stand on its own and someone was sure to come along.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 11:08, Reply)

I'm still waiting for a witty one though TBH

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 11:10, Reply)