Alright roomy people
You're in an interview, they ask you to tell a joke.
What joke do you tell?

Serious answers only please, I've been warned that this is liekly to happen in an interview soon.
( WormuIus, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:09, 90 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Just shout
'Yer mum!' at the person interviewing you.

It'll get a right good laugh.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:09, Reply)

Thank you for your application Mr DogFucker
Unfortunately there have been a very high number of applicants this year and you have not been selected to attend a further interview.
( WormuIus, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:10, Reply)

Well if you think 'Yer mum!' is likely to be too obvious a joke then maybe we could change it.
What job/industry are you being interviewed for?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:11, Reply)

Law job

( WormuIus, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:13, Reply)

What do you do if you see a lawyer drowning?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:14, Reply)

I don't know, what do you do if you see a lawyer drowning?

( WormuIus, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:15, Reply)

and so forth and so on, it'll show that you can laugh at yourself
1. Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!

2. Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

3. Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

4. Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

5. Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

6. Q. What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?
A. A Lobotomy.

7. Q. How do you save five drowning lawyers?
A. Who cares?

8. Q. What do you call a block of cement containing ten lawyers?
A. A waste of cement.

9. Q: Do you know how do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A1: Shoot him before he hits the water.
A2: Take your foot off his head.
A3: No? Good!

10. Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:17, Reply)

I take issue with Number 2

( WormuIus, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:20, Reply)

the lawyer could be a she
?
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:21, Reply)

the codes of conduct for Barristers and Solicitors prohibit lying
its a fundamental principle of being any sort of lawyer, or indeed any professional fullstop.
( WormuIus, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:24, Reply)

It's too late for trolling today
You're not a lawyer anyway are you?
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:27, Reply)

I have a law degree

( WormuIus, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:28, Reply)

I'll have fries with that as well please

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:29, Reply)

and an art degree

( WormuIus, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:31, Reply)

I've seen the results

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:33, Reply)

and an Art MA

( WormuIus, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:33, Reply)

Have a nice day!

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:40, Reply)

degrees, degrees everywhere and not a drop of work

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:33, Reply)

Not true, we've all seen the Devil's Advocate

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:27, Reply)

How do you get gay man to fuck your girlfriend?
Shit in her cunt.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:11, Reply)

This joke riffs on the well-know fact that homosexual men don't like to have anal sex.

( WormuIus, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:16, Reply)

BINGO

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:18, Reply)

What's red and invisible?
No tomatoes
(PsychoChomp, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:12, Reply)

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman
none, no potatoes.
( WormuIus, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:13, Reply)

What dessert makes chef's the most money?
Profit-eroles.
(PsychoChomp, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:14, Reply)

What type of cheese can be used to entice a hibernating grizzly from its cave
Camenbert
( WormuIus, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:15, Reply)

Why did the baker have brown hands
because he kneaded a poo.
(PsychoChomp, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:16, Reply)

I saw a bishop the other day
fucking fraud, he didn't move diagonally once.
( WormuIus, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:16, Reply)

How does wormulus change a light bulb?
He just holds it in place and waits for the world to revolve around him.
(PsychoChomp, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:19, Reply)

How does PsychoChomp change a lightbulb?
He invoices himself from his business supplying office fittings and claims back the VAT when he does his receipts that weekend whilst browsing OKcupid without any pants on.
( WormuIus, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:21, Reply)

I keep my pants on tyvm
don't want to catch my balls on the waist high layers of empty crisp packets and beer cans.
(PsychoChomp, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:23, Reply)

what;s green and invisible?
this cabbage
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:22, Reply)

the one about the crab who gets a new job at work.
He goes from head of sales to head of marketing. A sideways move.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:15, Reply)

A man decides to throw a fancy dress party, and the theme for the party would be emotion.
The evening comes around and he hears the doorbell go. Opening the door he finds one of his friends wearing green clothes, green skin and green hair.
"Great what are you?"
"I'm green with envy.
They both have a laugh and he's invited in. Minutes later the doorbell goes again, he opens it to find a woman wearing a pink bikini with a massive pink feather boa wrapped around herself.
"Fantastic what are you."
"My dear I am tickled pink!"
They laugh and she's invited in. Soon enough the party is in full swing and the doorbell goes again. The bloke opens the door to find two Jamaicans standing there, one naked with a pear on his knob and the other also naked with his prick dangling in a bowel of custard.
"What the fuck are you?"
"Well I have cum in dis pear and my friend is fuckin dis custard."
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:16, Reply)

no no no
It's

'I'm deep in dis pear and he is fucking dis custard'
( WormuIus, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:18, Reply)

Couldn't be bothered to type it out so c and p'd it

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:19, Reply)

I say "What's this?" and start revving my ear, like a motorbike, with appropriate accompanying sounds.
After a few seconds stop, and proclaim loud and proud "It's an engine-ear!"

Then leave.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:17, Reply)

never to return

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:18, Reply)

In what cheese can you hide a horse?

( Kroney, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:18, Reply)

Mascarpone.
What cheese should you eat with caution?
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:18, Reply)

Caerphilly

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:19, Reply)

What did the cheese say when it saw itself in the mirror?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:19, Reply)

Hello me

(PsychoChomp, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:21, Reply)

any if it's big enough
mascarpone.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:20, Reply)

two aerials got married, the ceremony was shit
but the reception was brilliant.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:21, Reply)

This is ok
I'm sticking with Chompy's 'Why shouldn't you stand behind the devil in the post office' gag atm.
( WormuIus, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:25, Reply)

it's got to be the Tessa Sanderson joke really
although it does mention farting
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:22, Reply)

It's a great gag.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:23, Reply)

What is it?

( WormuIus, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:24, Reply)

Man walks into a bar
orders a pint of bitter and asks the bartender to make sure it has an ample head on it.

While the pint is being poured the man nips to the toilet and comes back to find his pint on the bar, but with no head.

Asking the barman what happened he was told "you see that big muscly looking woman over there in the corner? She came over here and broke wind over your pint, blowing the head right off"

Thinking to himself that he wouldn't take any of that he marched over to the woman and said "here, you fart in my Whitbread?"

to which she replies
"No, I'm Tessa Sanderson"
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:26, Reply)

Beat me to it!

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:27, Reply)

Oh dear

( WormuIus, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:27, Reply)

unfortunately that is the least offensive of the non-shit category of jokes that I know
the others are things like

What's the fastest thing on land?
Stevie Wonder's speedboat
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:28, Reply)

'Did you hear about the black Jew?'

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:23, Reply)

No

( WormuIus, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:24, Reply)

It's not very funny and wouldn't get you the job.

I like this one:

Q: Who started the Pedants' Revolt?
A: Which Tyler
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:26, Reply)

Haha, that's awful
Not a patch on Noddy Holder, though. Worst. Joke. Ever.
( Kroney, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:29, Reply)

You are so, so very wrong.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:46, Reply)

what's yellow and smells of bananas?
monkey sick
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:23, Reply)

what do you call a black man flying a plane?
....*awkward silence*

The pilot, you racist!
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:24, Reply)

I'm sorry I've not been able to contribute more to this thread.
If ONLY I knew some really shit jokes.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:24, Reply)

www.racist-jokes.com/
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:24, Reply)

A woman had three daughters, Rose, Petal and Wardrobe.
Best joke in the world.
( Kroney, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:25, Reply)

fridge

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:26, Reply)

haha
I tell it with Blossom, Buttercup and Fridge.
( WormuIus, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:26, Reply)

what's black and white and red all over?
a nun with a knife in her throat.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:27, Reply)

"I just had a wank and shot the cat"
Second-best joke in the world.
( Kroney, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:28, Reply)

Al Qaeda planned to bomb Ritz!

Are they crackers?
(888777555, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:28, Reply)

What's red and creeps up your leg?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:29, Reply)

Homesick period?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:29, Reply)

Homesick abortion.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:30, Reply)

why did the girl fall off the swing?
she had no arms
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:29, Reply)

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
because it was dead
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:30, Reply)

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was stapled to the first monkey
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:31, Reply)

Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
He thought it was a game.
( Kroney, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:32, Reply)

*monkey fives*

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:35, Reply)

You: What's this?
*throws a small note book in the bin*

Interviewer: Dunno

You: Anne Diamonds family allowance book
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:31, Reply)

Why did the chicken cross the road at rush hour?

(888777555, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:31, Reply)

To get to the conservative party conference where Ian Duncan Smith would be reading the Rivers of Blood speech?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:32, Reply)

To commit suicide.

(888777555, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:33, Reply)

What's brown and runny?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:33, Reply)

A stick
Linford Christie
With a knife
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:33, Reply)

Nope.
Kelly Holmes.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:34, Reply)

Still fitter than Maggie Gyllenhal

( Kroney, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:34, Reply)

I bought this record at the weekend
The A side was was just a collection of wasp noises, was pretty shit.

The B side was excellent though
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:33, Reply)

Just took my confidence test .
but I'm not sure if I passed.
(888777555, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:35, Reply)

How do you make 5lb's of fat look sexy?
Stick a nipple on it
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:37, Reply)

how many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
That's a hardware problem!
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:37, Reply)

What's pink and hard?
A pig with a flick knife.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:51, Reply)

Q.What’s the ultimate in trust?
A.Two cannibals doing 69.
(The Luggage is haunted..., Thu 16 Jun 2011, 19:04, Reply)